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Loveisonlyformovies

Some background info:

I met my boyfriend online 2,5 years ago. First time we met he sort of raped me, though my fear of loneliness made me stay. We almost broke up shortly after as he lied to me about his ex gf (he lived there when we met although he said she was just a roommate and had never been anything else) and claims they broke up long before though.

 

I got pregnant shortly after and we stuck together. I got severely depressed during and after having a child. I guess it's worth mentioning that my support system is zero - no friends and my family dont care about me.

 

In May i discovered that he was chatting and complimenting a girl he used to be in love with many years ago, although he promised me to never talk to her again. I forgave him. In august i discovered him chatting with another girl who had no clue that he had a girlfriend and a son. There was a lot of flirting, mainly from his side. It broke my heart to find out that he's been talking to her and sending pics of himself to her during our entire relationship.

 

Even when we went abroad together he wrote to her how much he misses her and stuff. Her side is more harmless than his, he's the one randomly talking about masturbation and how he wishes she was in his bed.

 

He then promised me to not talk to any other girl online again until regaining my trust. Shortly after he starts talking to someone from his studygroup (he's doing distance). He clearly cant talk to a girl without asking about her appearance, mostly hiding the fact that he has a family and he posts pics of himself with comments that are clearly fishing for compliments.

 

I'm absolutely heartbroken. No job due to my depression and no way to support myself i'm stuck with him. The girls he speak to live far away, mostly abroad and as far as i know there hasnt been any physical cheating, but the emotional one hurts even more. When confronting him about it, he denies it, lies and constantly giving me new versions; the latest being that it's my fault as i'm aggressive and depressed and he wants someone to talk to. He claims it was attention and not emotional and i dont believe him. He just wants me to forget about it and go back to normal. I've said he need to fight for our relationship because we cant go back to normal, only building something new instead.

 

I have no one to ask. Please give me some advice? I dont know what to do. It hurts so so bad but i cant imagine living my life without him. Will he actually stop or keep falling back to cheating? Has anyone managed to overcome it and managed to get a happy relationship together? Or is it too late to fix things? :/

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I'm sorry to hear this. You say your relationship started out with him raping you and lying about his ex. He has since cheated on you repeatedly, promised to stop repeatedly, and lied about it repeatedly.

 

This is clearly not a good person. I'm sorry to tell you this, but he is not going to stop. There are two main reasons. Firstly, because this is who he is (the lack of remorse and corrective action proves this). Secondly, because he knows you are dependent on him and will keep taking him back no matter what he does. Cheaters get validated when you let them get away with it, and once a pattern establishes itself firmly as in this case, there is no going back.

 

I see from your profile that you are in Sweden. From what I've read, Sweden has a reasonably well developed social welfare programme. Benefits available include housing and income. I would suggest that you go to the authorities and request help getting established in a new home, on welfare. Is your partner committed to being a parent? Ideally he should be willing to contribute towards the child's care even if you're living separately.

 

It's also not good for your mental wellbeing to be so isolated. We're stuck with the family we have, but friendships can always be formed. You have a child. Why not get involved in child-based activities with other parents? Get out and about, talk to people, stay active. It's important to have friends to talk to in difficult times.

Edited by sdraw108
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Sdraw gives excellent advice.

 

Your boyfriend has shown from the very beginning that he does not love you, so don't expect him to fight for anything as far as you're concerned, outside of lulling you back into a stupor so he can continue with his cheating.

 

I think that you should do whatever you can to get your depression addressed because of the breathtaking disregard for your emotional wellbeing demonstrated by your boyfriend, he most likely will one day leave you and attempt to take your son because you don't work and cannot support him.

 

If for no other reason than to not show this example of how a man is supposed to treat the woman he loves/mother of his children to your impressionable son, you have to take hold of yourself and take part of the social services for which your country is world renown and get away from this man. If you give up on yourself, then what hope does your son have for a happy childhood?

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Loveisonlyformovies

The welfare sounds better than it is. I'd not get much money from it at all, I'd not be able to support myself or my son on it. I'd risk getting homeless and have my child taken away from me instead.

 

He's a crap boyfriend but a great parent, but he has not much of an income so that support wouldnt help much

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Are you able to receive monies through Försörjningsstöd (sorry if the spelling is wrong..Swedish Keyboards are not a big thing in Illinois)by the city you live in in Sweden? Or do you not qualify? I mean it is given on an as needed basis, I figure your predicament would be a textbook case of needing it.

 

I am no expert on Swedish Law, but know enough to probably get me into more trouble than enough to get me out of it.

 

Being a Good Father is fine and good, but remember this is going to be a lifelong committment on his part. Do you really think he has the stones to live up to all of that commitment?

 

I don't. Sorry...get rid of him. You can do better on your own.

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The welfare sounds better than it is. I'd not get much money from it at all, I'd not be able to support myself or my son on it. I'd risk getting homeless and have my child taken away from me instead.

 

He's a crap boyfriend but a great parent, but he has not much of an income so that support wouldnt help much

 

If he doesn't have much of an income how is he supporting the 3 of you?

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You need to get yourself up, dust yourself off and get a job.

I realize that when you're depressed, the motivation to do anything is incredibly low, but being entirely dependent on someone that treats you terribly is making your depression worse.

 

One you've gotten a job and a little bit to fall back on, leave your bf.

He's shown himself to be a horrible person, and horrible people do not change.

 

You are stronger than you know.

You can do this.

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It hurts so so bad but i cant imagine living my life without him. -- What you should be imagining is your life without disrespect, anxiety and hurt.

 

Your No. 1 priority is your child! This man is a poor role model for a child. You need to put your child's needs and future above your fear of being alone. You are alone anyway because you are in a one-sided, co-dependent relationship. You need to stand up for yourself and model strength and security for your child, otherwise, you child is likely to fall into the same situation you find yourself in.

 

Get yourself focused on your child and you. Put your big-girl pants on. Find yourself a job, start planning for single-motherhood. A child deserves a stable, supportive environment. Do not kid yourself that that child doesn't "feel" the negative environment he/she is living in.

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  • 5 months later...
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Loveisonlyformovies

Well, problem now is that i'm pregnant again which makes it impossible for me to work as i've been bedridden since new years. I can also not work for another year after the child is born as swedish nurseries dont accept children under the age of 1. The money i'll receive during parent leave is also extremely low, and as i'm too tired and ill to do much until the birth, my "ex" has to take care of our son and i fear that court will give him the custody rather than to me.

He gets more verbally abusive each day that goes by and he refuses to move out even though he has promised to. I wish he'd change but I fear he wont. At this point i'm more scared of the step-parents he'll introduce to my children than actually losing him as a partner. I'm terrified and don't know what to do. I'm not mentally nor physically strong enough to walk away and cant afford another apartment.

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Isolation, poverty and abuse. Classic. Unfortunate.

 

It sounds like you know what you want but feel overwhelmed getting there. Eat that elephant one bite at a time. Develop a social circle even if it's only online for now. Play up your strengths. Social network. Maximize your use of public resources to keep yourself, your child and unborn healthy. Take each day as it comes. Don't expect anything from him. You have no control over him.

 

Make a promise to yourself that you'll get on birth control as soon as possible and you'll never have sexual relations with the man again. Stop that cycle dead in its tracks. You have that power. You choose.

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Loveisonlyformovies

The child was planned, silly me thought another baby would make him care more. Little did I know what he kept doing behind my back. Sexual relations is my only way to get rid of frustration at this point and will probably continue until he leaves.

What I want is clearly not what he is willing to do. I don't want this, but as it is right now I have no other option than trying to get out.

Leaving him while pregnant will cause lots of troubles with my family so I cannot count on their support.

I just wish it would be over, it's hell going through it and it never seems to end.

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Give the baby up for adoption & get yourself into therapy. Sex with a guy who "sort of raped you" is not a solution.

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Loveisonlyformovies

I wouldnt give my child up. and even if i was, swedish laws makes adoption impossible as the father would get the child instead as he is strictly against adoption.

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Go talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. You can also seek out advice from a family planning clinic or abuse hotline. You can get free counseling.

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CrazyKatLady

Oh, honey, I am so sorry that you are going through this...I believe others have given you some good advice. I know it may feel like the world has turned it's back on you, but I will say a prayer for you tonight. Getting out and into the world would be best for you and the kiddos. I know it is easier said than done, but DiG down deep and find a way to add a little sunshine in your life because all this man is bringing is darkness.

One day, the pain will pass, and he won't matter anymore...mother's have a way of finding enough love for themselves and their children if they can just hang on long enough, I know, I've been there-still am. I pray that some positivity and real love come into your life today. You deserve it. God bless. (Sorry if my faith offends anyone).I

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Loveisonlyformovies

There's really nothing but darkness at the moment. Yesterday I think I found out that he's been doing it again. When confronting him he lies as usual. Then he tells me that he wish he had someone else so he wouldnt have to deal with me. Then tries to kill himself by overdosing on pills. I can't find any ray of sunshine or any strength at all. I'm mentally and physically exhausted and cant do much but crying. I really dont know how to cope with this or what to do. The feeling is horrible. I'm hurt from him cheating again but terrified of him dying because i can't imagine the world without him.

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ItsJustMyOpinion

Rape, suicide, a child....

 

What is going on. Do you ever watch Jerry Springer and laugh at those people or pity them for their decision making skills?

 

LET THAT SINK IN.

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My goodness, do you not have anyone that you can go to that could help you to get away from this terrible man?

 

Darling, I stopped reading at "the first time we had sex, he sort of raped me." That's not love.

 

If there is truly nobody, no friends or family who can give you a place to stay, you need to get yourself and your children to a women's shelter and begin the process of developing a plan to get on your own feet.

 

This is the saddest post, with the worst decision making, I have read in a really long time. You need a social worker, counselling, a lawyer, and a friend.

 

Indeed, isolation, abuse, threats of suicide... this is the kind of situation where after there is a murder-suicide, people look back and say "the signs were all there..." GET OUT NOW! You and your children are not safe in this relationship.

Edited by BaileyB
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  • 1 month later...
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Loveisonlyformovies

Hes just been diagnosed and is on heavy medication now. His doctors blame his cheating and need of attention on the diagnosis he got but I dont know what to believe.

 

My purpose with this post was to find someone who repaired their relationship after repeated infidelity and how they succeeded. Has no one here succeeded?

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My purpose with this post was to find someone who repaired their relationship after repeated infidelity and how they succeeded. Has no one here succeeded?

 

He is a serial cheater and now diagnosed with a personality disorder. Nothing is changing. Him being "sick" does not justify his cheating. And it does not justify you sticking around and feeling confused.

 

Why is staying an option for you? You've lost all self-respect and value for yourself if you're clinging to this man and expecting so little for yourself.

 

You have a child and you're in a very unhealthy situation. You can't believe this is the best you and your child deserves.

 

If you have no ability to make the right decision for yourself, then do it for your child.

Edited by Zahara
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  • 3 weeks later...
lostmyway82

He sort of rape you ? Can you be more specific ? It's either he rape you or not. Not sort off. This kind of statement won't stand up in court.

 

If he did you should call the cops on him.

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