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Horrible mistake


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This will be a long post, apologies in advance

 

A couple of years ago I was going through IvF with my partner and it failed. I was depressed, our relationship wasn’t fun and all I did was think about not being able to have children. Sex stopped unless it was timed to try and get pregnant.

 

I started talking to a friend who I knew loved me but I felt nothing for. Before I knew it we were flirting over text etc. He kept asking me to meet which we did but nothing happened.

 

I had a cycle of IVF that failed and felt very unsupported by my partner. So I got very drunk and slept with the other guy.

 

I broke things off with my partner but never told him. We worked through our communication problems, got back together and now are engaged with a 6 month old baby

 

I am very sleep deprived and maybe postnatally depressed but all I can think of is the guilt from my one night mistake

 

If I tell my partner it would shatter his happiness. He is completely the man I want to be with.

 

Will my guilt ease in time? I think it is so strong at the moment because I don’t have much else to think about. It makes me cry daily and I spend hours googling should I tell me partner

 

I have being given anti depressants by my doctor as suffered anxiety about my baby’s health before this guilt surfaced. Is it just linked to my depression?

 

What should I do?

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What should I do?

 

The first thing is stop calling what you did a mistake!

 

It was a conscious decision and calling such shenanigans a Mistake is sheer lunacy. Mistakes are wrong lane changes or getting Wheat bread when you wanted rye.

 

Having sex with someone else was a decision made by you.

 

Secondly, The thing you do is to be HONEST with your fiance. If you love him, you would have done that before he even asked you to get married. That would have been the FIRST thing you would have done.

 

Keeping important, potentially life altering information from someone who needs it is a crime in and of itself. By doing so, you 're robbing the person you purport to love, of any choice, through no fault of his own.

 

All actions have consequences, So grow up, tell your fiance what you did, stop calling your actions a mistake, and accept what consequence your receive without protest.

 

A marriage starting out based on such a lie as you are willing to tell is no marriage at all, but a farce. A farce in which you will be wholly responsible.

 

Stop trying to cover your own ass, and making yourself look like an ass in doing so. You covering your ass is what got you to this point in the first place. So act like an adult and tell him and let the chips fall where they may.

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I thought I’d get a reaction like that.

 

Telling him would destroy the happiness he has with his daughter and me.

 

I completely accept I knew what I was doing, doesn’t mean it wasn’t a mistake. I’d never do it again

 

Is it better o really shatter a family for one stupid night?

 

I almost feel as if I am telling him just to ease my guilt

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I thought I’d get a reaction like that.

 

Telling him would destroy the happiness he has with his daughter and me.

 

I completely accept I knew what I was doing, doesn’t mean it wasn’t a mistake. I’d never do it again

 

Is it better o really shatter a family for one stupid night?

 

I almost feel as if I am telling him just to ease my guilt

 

But is it really his daughter? It only takes one stupid, senseless act to shatter a family forever, and this doesn't qualify. A senseless act is getting shot while standing in line at a fast food dive. Getting splattered by a drunk driver also qualifies. Letting another man schmooze his way into your vagina over a period of time doesn't qualify as anything but a well thought out decision. Your decision - your consequences...:(

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Yes it’s definetly his daughter! Read my first post properly, she’s IVF!

 

You need to re-read and re-write your first post. For the

way you wrote it you were having problems conceiving.

After the last attempt failed you then had sex with the OM.

Then you say that you are now pregnant.

 

Your post made me also wonder who the dad was.

 

Anyway, how do you know the OM is not the dad?

 

Did you have a paternity test done?

 

On to recovering your relationship. You need to tell

your BF the truth. You are new to infidelity forums.

So you may not be aware of all the stories were the

wife cheated before they were married. Then the

devastation that happened years later when the truth

finally came out.

 

There is a good chance you BF will forgive you if you

confess now. Less chance when he finds out later.

And, more times then not they usually find out.

 

Also fear and regret is driving your thinking now. Not

remorse and sorrow. So your words to I will never

cheat again ring hollow because you have not done

the work to make sure you will never make the same

bad decisions. Work = IC + being honest and telling

your BF.

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So telling him would be what breaks your relationship? OR could it be the fact you had an affair.....this wasn't a one time thing BTW it was a ongoing affair.

 

Telling or not is what determines the kind of relationship you will have. At this point it's a relationship sitting on a bomb .

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Is this "friend" still in your life? I'm on the fence with whether it would be better for him to know or not. Sometimes I think telling the other person to take the weight off of you is selfish in a way. You'll feel a bit better and he'll never be the same. I've been cheated on by someone who I completely trusted and loved and it was the worst feeling in the world. I don't wish it upon anyone else.

 

If you tell him you have to realize that nothing will be the same again. I know it is extremely unfair to keep it from him but I think being oblivious is better than knowing in some cases.

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Marrying someone by lying to them(including lying by omission) is a lot worse. You can't control other people and the truth eventually surfaces, he will think his whole marriage is a sham. Your best policy is to tell the truth.

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I suggest you go talk to a therapist FIRST that specializes in prenatal depression/ relationships.

 

Then when you have your emotions settled and are of more clearer thinking, then decide if you want to tell him or not.

 

It's not a crime to not tell him or not tell him at this time, because it is your life, your conscience you are dealing with and it's no one elses business to tell you otherwise.

 

Sometimes telling the truth is worse than just forgetting it ever happened and moving on from it.

 

If you do tell him, the both of you seek out couples counseling...I feel it's not worth tossing all of what you have away over this one time indiscretion.

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smackie9 is right, this is your decision to make and none of us has the right to impose our moral standards on you. I just see how torn up you are at this point in your relationship, how will you carry a secret this big the rest of your life without further damage? As a betrayed spouse it's is my opinion and my opinion only, I would rather know the truth before I married you then finding out after we married. Marrying you is still his decision and he now takes full responsibility for that decision. Not telling him takes his right to decide away from him. That is my only point. If your worried about his reaction tell him in your counselling session.

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I thought I’d get a reaction like that.

Telling him would destroy the happiness he has with his daughter and me.

I completely accept I knew what I was doing, doesn’t mean it wasn’t a mistake. I’d never do it again

Is it better o really shatter a family for one stupid night?

I almost feel as if I am telling him just to ease my guilt

 

No, you would be telling him the truth so that you can have a real relationship. Right now you have a fake relationship and you know it. Every day you don't tell him means another day of lying and deceiving.

 

It's true that you need forgiveness. What you did was terrible. They put people to death in some countries for that. This is a very serious thing. Once he forgives you, only then can you begin to forgive yourself.

 

You cannot be a good mother or wife with this hanging over your head, and the longer you go without telling him the worse this will be.

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I thought I’d get a reaction like that.

 

Telling him would destroy the happiness he has with his daughter and me.

 

I completely accept I knew what I was doing, doesn’t mean it wasn’t a mistake. I’d never do it again

 

Is it better o really shatter a family for one stupid night?

 

I almost feel as if I am telling him just to ease my guilt

 

This post tells us everything we need to know... This is your first rodeo, but yes, this is the reaction your should expect because you know what you did was horrific, but you really don't want to rock the boat.

 

You are not really afraid of hurting him, you already did that, you are afraid of the consequences that you may face if you are honest with him.

 

A listen really close... IT WAS NOT A MISTAKE. YOU HAD AN AFFAIR AND YOU SLEPT WITH YOUR AFFAIR PARTNER. And really, was it only one time??? Really, no oral, no heavy petting from time to time??? All of that is cheating.

 

A mistake is losing our keys, not sleeping with someone, that is the reality. Listen to what people on LS are saying, we have been through it, and got the tee-shirt.

 

You BF deserves to know, NOW...

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It really was a one night one time thing.

 

Nothing else every happened or every would. Why would I put it is a one time thing on here if it was more. I have no need to lie on here

 

Thanks smackie9

 

I have just been given anti depressants for post natal depression so maybe I’ll get to grips with them first

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Also, I am completely concerned about hurting him. Otherwise I would just tell him so I could stop driving myself nuts.

 

I don’t blame you all for judging me but you actually don’t know me or know how much I LoVE my other half. Yes it was awful what I did but there are worse things!

 

I love my fiancée more than anything in the world and that’s what is so hard

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I thought I’d get a reaction like that.

 

Telling him would destroy the happiness he has with his daughter and me.

 

I completely accept I knew what I was doing, doesn’t mean it wasn’t a mistake. I’d never do it again

 

Is it better o really shatter a family for one stupid night?

 

I almost feel as if I am telling him just to ease my guilt

 

You are not understanding this correctly. You are acting like it is the action of telling him that would be the cause of his pain. That's a lie to yourself to talk yourself out of doing it. It was THE ACTION that destroyed his happiness and shattered his family. The telling is just you being honest with the horrific actions you took so that you are not desperately attempting to dictate the consequences you have to face by being controlling over your husband and tailoring his day to day feelings to your liking, not to reality. Not cool.

 

 

It really was a one night one time thing.

 

Nothing else every happened or every would. Why would I put it is a one time thing on here if it was more. I have no need to lie on here

 

Thanks smackie9

 

I have just been given anti depressants for post natal depression so maybe I’ll get to grips with them first

 

It was not a one night thing. Sex once? Ya, maybe. But you said you started talking to a friend you knew was in love with you, and were flirting over text with him. So this was an ongoing emotional affair before it escalated to a physical affair....this means more than a one time thing, and even more deceitful and thought out. Don't fool yourself.

 

You have to tell him. You did wrong and now have to face your consequences and do right by your husband. Anything else is a lie and a means to control his reaction and the cost you have to pay, and so is selfish and cruel. And when and if you tell him, tell him everything. Don't tell him it was a one time thing and then he finds out about the texting later. Tell him it all up front and take your licks. Its the best chance you have.

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I get it! It’s the action that is the problem

I don’t feel great about it. In fact I feel that bad it’s stopping me enjoying the baby I always wanted.

 

I don’t want to do the same to him which is why o haven’t told him

 

I hadn’t considered the texting part before, you are right that’s bad enough if itself!

 

I do truly hate myself!

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Also, I am completely concerned about hurting him. Otherwise I would just tell him so I could stop driving myself nuts.

 

I don’t blame you all for judging me but you actually don’t know me or know how much I LoVE my other half. Yes it was awful what I did but there are worse things!

 

I love my fiancée more than anything in the world and that’s what is so hard

 

Listen, that is what we are trying to say... We do know you and we do understand what you are going through. Most on this site have either cheated or been cheated on. Some, like me have lived through both.

 

And that is the point. The things that we are saying are not judging you, we are telling you the truth.

 

Until you actually see what you have done, and have the courage to take the necessary actions to correct it and live an authentic life, you will feel just the way that you feel now.

 

You said it yourself in your post, "Also, I am completely concerned about hurting him. Otherwise I would just tell him so I could stop driving myself nuts."

 

Stop driving myself nuts, me, me, me... Your guilt, your pain, not his pain when this comes out 10 years from now. Or not even your child's pain when you and he divorce over this. It is all about you.

 

Just like your affair, even if it was just a ONS, was a selfish, horrible act that you committed against your F. You did that to him for no other reason than you wanted to.

 

Is some of this starting to sink in now? You are just exactly like every other cheater who has enough of a conscience to feel guilt for what you have done, and does not have the courage to confess.

 

I use courage specifically because you are taking a risk, your F, if he is any kind of a man, may leave you in the dust for doing what you have done.

 

But, by confessing, you actually show LOVE for your F and you take a piece of your self-respect back...

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Dont tell him. Bury it for now and use the guilt to be a better and more loving partner and mother. Telling him will only bring you, him and more importantly your child, grief.

 

Please focus on sorting your post natal depression first. I have been through that and it is not something you can leave. It is dangerous, for you and your child. Clear your head, get into a good strong place first. And then think about this other stuff and what you want to do about it. Priorities are your child and your health, for now.

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In fact I feel that bad it’s stopping me enjoying the baby I always wanted.

I do truly hate myself!

 

I also don’t know why someone put I can’t be a good mother because of this

 

To answer this... just look at your own statements above.

 

This child is a part of him. If you cannot treat him with honesty and love, then you cannot treat this child that way either. A relationship based on a lie like this is like hiding cancer. You think it will just go away? No, it's going to grow and spread until it kills the relationship completely.

 

Women seem to think that guys are stupid and can't detect this stuff. I knew something was wrong when my wife as cheating. I didn't know what it was at the time. I put it behind me for a time, but it always nagged at me.

Eventually I put the pieces together, because the thing was eating away at our relationship. We had failed IVF too. I know how hard this stuff is to deal with.

 

Bottom line is that if you love him, then you must give him a chance to be in a relationship with you. Not some fake projection of you, but the real you, warts and all. It will hurt, but most of that pain will come from the death of his fake vision of you. He deserves the chance to choose to stay or choose to leave. Don't take the choice away from him... that is truly selfish.

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Dont tell him. Bury it for now and use the guilt to be a better and more loving partner and mother. Telling him will only bring you, him and more importantly your child, grief.

Please focus on sorting your post natal depression first. I have been through that and it is not something you can leave. It is dangerous, for you and your child. Clear your head, get into a good strong place first. And then think about this other stuff and what you want to do about it. Priorities are your child and your health, for now.

 

What kind of person thinks like this? :eek:

 

What right do you have to try to trick and trap someone into a relationship based on lies? To take this advice a person must lack both a conscience and a soul. You would advise her to become a monster?

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I thought I’d get a reaction like that.

 

Telling him would destroy the happiness he has with his daughter and me.

 

I completely accept I knew what I was doing, doesn’t mean it wasn’t a mistake. I’d never do it again

 

Is it better o really shatter a family for one stupid night?

 

I almost feel as if I am telling him just to ease my guilt

 

Is it his daughter?

 

Have the child DNA tested.

 

Do not marry him unless you get honest!

 

Your stress and anxiety is likey due to your lack of honesty.

 

Deal with the consequences of your actions... and no, this is no mistake. Stop referring to your purposeful actions as a mistake.

 

Own what you did.

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It really was a one night one time thing.

 

Nothing else every happened or every would. Why would I put it is a one time thing on here if it was more. I have no need to lie on here

 

Thanks smackie9

 

I have just been given anti depressants for post natal depression so maybe I’ll get to grips with them first

 

You were secretly sending flirty texts, meeting up and then had sex....that was not a one time thing it was a full blown affair. Minimizing your actions and misleading is almost as bad as the sex itself.

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BarbedFenceRider

Oh I can see it now, the child falls off the bicycle and gets hurt. A quick visit to the ER and the blood info rolls in...Not compatible. ie. Not daddy's kid. That will go over like a lead balloon.

Then lets see, IVF isn't working and you get depressed. Started drinking and found a F-buddy. Then, WHoalla! Your pregnant. Yup, had to be IVF...Your guy goes to get a medical check and finds out he has no swimmers. He can't conceive. That will be a great rock into the marriage glass! Maybe boytoy can

"donate" more swimmers when the kid deserves a sibling....

 

But thank heavens you have a "rock solid guy" and a baby "you always wanted."

 

Please, for the love of everything holy. Tell him, be brutally honest and candid. You may have to delay your marriage for awhile, but atleast you can start over clean. And your head will be on straight.

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