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Horrible mistake


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 16th November 2017, 7:17 AM   #46
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If you can live with the guilt for the rest of your life, keep it a secret. Looks like you can't. So tell him and hope for the best.
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Old 16th November 2017, 8:32 AM   #47
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This is ridiculous. They are not going to waste an embryo implanting into an already pregnant woman! They test and control hormone levels constantly. If she had already had implantation it would show in the tests and they would not have done the transfer.

She would have had to sleep with the other man within... 12 hours or so of the embryo transfer. That is a narrow window and kind of silly to even suggest.

99.99999% chance that OP's baby is fathered by the sperm donor to the IVF procedure. It's beside the point anyway.
Notice: the odds are not 100 percent.
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Old 16th November 2017, 9:18 AM   #48
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Also our relationship is based on love.

I love him, he loves me and we love OUR baby
This statement here is what your goal should be to be able to say honestly a year from now. Right now you can't say it. You love him, yes, and I am sure you both love your baby. But he doesn't know the reality of what you are to him, and so while he may love who he thinks you are, it's a farce. He loves an idea of you that isn't true. Telling him is the only way you will be able to hear the words that he loves you, and truly feel loved because you know he says it despite your faults. Anything less and you are choosing to live a lie.

And thinking you control the levers to his finding out is naive. A true ONS with someone you don't know may have some chance (even then...these things come out), but you said this guy was in love with you. That is more than enough reason to believe he could have an inner desire to show people that he had a chance with you are blurt it out some day he is drunk, or fighting with wife, or being pushed by someone, etc. etc. etc. You have no idea what life brings.
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Old 16th November 2017, 10:37 AM   #49
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Also our relationship is based on love.
And deceit.

I don't know whether you should tell him or not, but it sounds like you came here wanting to hear that you should not tell him. I'm surprised you are going to, but I believe it's the most noble decision. I sincerely hope he forgives you so that you can provide a loving and stable home for your baby. By the way, congrats hard-fought-for pregnancy <3.
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Old 16th November 2017, 10:40 AM   #50
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Also our relationship is based on love.

I love him, he loves me and we love OUR baby

WRONG!

You have robbed your BF of any choice in the matter by continuing to lie. And you re lying by omission.

That is not love, that's trying to control the outcome to serve your own purposes.

So we know pretty much regardless of what anyone says, nice or not, that you are going to just keep your trap shut until it all comes out.

He will notice the change in you if he already hasn't. He may chalk it up to pregnancy at first, but that will only last so long. If you don;t say something, somebody else will because someone else ALWAYS finds out.


You are fast approaching a Rubicon that you cannot cone back from once you cross it.

i feel very sorry for your BF. For you? Not so much. You continue to fuel the fire you have lit.
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Old 16th November 2017, 11:44 AM   #51
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Just a little update. I spoke to two counsellors today. One for post natal depression and a relationship one who both said

“Telling him isn’t the best thing to do. I should just forgive myself and devote myself to him.”

I haven’t changed my mind about telling him just thought it was interesting that professionals had a different view
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Old 16th November 2017, 12:00 PM   #52
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Yes that is common...

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Originally Posted by HCEC View Post
Just a little update. I spoke to two counsellors today. One for post natal depression and a relationship one who both said

“Telling him isn’t the best thing to do. I should just forgive myself and devote myself to him.”

I haven’t changed my mind about telling him just thought it was interesting that professionals had a different view
Yes that is common... They all drink the same Kool-Aid at counseling school.

This "the past is the past" counseling method came about several years ago. Many male counselor have gotten punched in the mouth for saying that stuff. If mine had been a male the first time I heard this, I would have punched him, but it was a female, so I could not hit her.

People who know nothing about counseling believe this crap and they end up seeing their clients divorce, because they don't know how to help them actually process the infidelity.

So yeah, when you hear that, start looking for another counselor because that one is a moron.

I would actually like for any licensed counselors to come on LS and explain this drivel to us.

Dollars to donuts, not one of the even has to courage to talk to a group of people like LS. I does take a moron to go through collage and believe the foolishness that they teach.

Are their any brave counselors out there that are willing to make the case for this type of therapy?
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Old 16th November 2017, 12:06 PM   #53
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Yes that is common... They all drink the same Kool-Aid at counseling school.

This "the past is the past" counseling method came about several years ago. Many male counselor have gotten punched in the mouth for saying that stuff. If mine had been a male the first time I heard this, I would have punched him, but it was a female, so I could not hit her.

People who know nothing about counseling believe this crap and they end up seeing their clients divorce, because they don't know how to help them actually process the infidelity.

So yeah, when you hear that, start looking for another counselor because that one is a moron.

I would actually like for any licensed counselors to come on LS and explain this drivel to us.

Dollars to donuts, not one of the even has to courage to talk to a group of people like LS. I does take a moron to go through collage and believe the foolishness that they teach.

Are their any brave counselors out there that are willing to make the case for this type of therapy?

Currently sitting 10 feet from a licensed counselor (she's a family member).

Her words:

"A house built on a cracked foundation, rarely survives the storms it faces".

That about wraps it up.

OP, Tell your guy.
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Old 16th November 2017, 12:09 PM   #54
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Originally Posted by HCEC View Post
Just a little update. I spoke to two counsellors today. One for post natal depression and a relationship one who both said

“Telling him isn’t the best thing to do. I should just forgive myself and devote myself to him.”

I haven’t changed my mind about telling him just thought it was interesting that professionals had a different view
This doesn't really surprise me. I've heard from countless people that by and large therapists are not very skilled in dealing with infidelity.
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Old 16th November 2017, 12:26 PM   #55
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Well she should advertise that she is a genius...

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Originally Posted by frigginlost View Post
Currently sitting 10 feet from a licensed counselor (she's a family member).

Her words:

"A house built on a cracked foundation, rarely survives the storms it faces".

That about wraps it up.

OP, Tell your guy.
Well she should advertise that she is a genius... and that she is able to help with infidelity.

But seriously, why do so many counselors subscribe to that like of thinking that we see all the time? Can she answer that?
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Old 16th November 2017, 12:43 PM   #56
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The majority of people commenting here are Betrayed Spouses (that is what they call themselves). The most angry with you and virulent about how important your immediate confession is, are the ones who were most hurt by whoever and whatever happened in THEIR lives. They have their own agenda, it has nothing to do with you, your situation, your relationship and your baby.

Professionals who have actually met you, are telling you to put your health and child first, for now. Please listen to them.
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Old 16th November 2017, 12:59 PM   #57
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That's progress.

But be prepared:

- Give him a list of all passwords to all social media accounts, email accounts and to your cell phone if it has a password. Allow him to take it from you and check it whenever he wants to.

- Send an NC letter to the OM. You said he still hangs out in the same social circle as you, so he needs the letter.

- All of the social circle that hangs with him, you'll need to cut them out of your life. There can be no chance of seeing the OM ever again.

- The OM's wife needs to be told. Have a plan to do so. But allow your H to do it if he so desires.

- Get an STD test. The issue of protection has not been brought up, but cheaters never use it. And since you couldn't get pregnant, I'm sure you rationalized that you didn't need protection.

- Schedule IC for yourself.

All of these things will work towards establishing a tiny bit of trust from your H, and it will show him that you want to do the work in order to R.

And lastly, keep coming back here. You'll get the best help there is. Weed thru the bad, take the good.
Since you have chosen to tell him, great decision. You are doing right by him, and though it may not feel like it now, the right thing for you too in the long term.

Now that you know that's your direction, the above is super important. You have to be prepared for his inability to trust you. You have to be able to endure the constant need to justify your other actions you know may be innocent when he tests those too with questions and doubt.

Think about it...you are admitting to him that you lied and cheated. So his idea of you always being truthful to him is going to fall apart. Everything he has heard you tell him will become in question. Don't make him feel wrong to question other things. Don't be defensive of what you know on your end were truths even if he challenges them. He will take that as more indication of lies. Instead, tell him that you fully understand that knowing this may make him question other things, and that those are fair questions and that you will answer them now, and as they come up into his mind going forward. But also tell him that it's because of your understanding that this betrayal will put your truthfulness to the test that you wanted to come out clean now with the complete and unfiltered truth...so that you could start regaining his trust from the ground up. That is why telling him is so important. It means you get to start the rebuilding of trust with a bit of truth capital in the bank having told him something important that he wouldn't otherwise have known. That will give some starting assurance that allowing himself to trust you again is a real possibility.

That is a starting point that is LOADS better than the day years from now that he eventually finds out. In that situation he would have no reason at all to believe a word you said. He would question everything in the same manner, but your answers would be hard to believe because he will have not have saw action to be truthful on your part at all. The hill will be tremendously higher for you.

This is why I say the action damaging and causing hurt is past tense...now it is just about riding out the consequences of those actions. That's why we are here to try and set you up for success best you can. It's not going to be easy and it may mean he decides to leave. But if you love him like you say, that's a choice you should be willing to allow him. To not do so is being controlling. Manipulating an outcome to your own personal advantage to avoid consequences of your actions, instead of doing what is fair for someone else.

One note on the above points from GoldenR...write the NC letter with your fiance together. Don't go off and do that on your own. This isn't a time for any sort of explanation or closure to your OM. This isn't about giving the OM context as to why you can't speak so that he understands and doesn't wonder where you went. This is completely about your fiance and making HIM feel safe and no one else no matter what their perception. The reason I say to include your fiance is because that NS communication could also be seen as yet another betrayal without his involvement. Once you let your fiance know, it's about letting him be in control of the outcome and doing everything he needs to feel safe again.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes. We are here to help each step of the way.
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Old 16th November 2017, 1:05 PM   #58
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The majority of people commenting here are Betrayed Spouses (that is what they call themselves). The most angry with you and virulent about how important your immediate confession is, are the ones who were most hurt by whoever and whatever happened in THEIR lives. They have their own agenda, it has nothing to do with you, your situation, your relationship and your baby.

Professionals who have actually met you, are telling you to put your health and child first, for now. Please listen to them.
Easy to say when valid points can't really be discounted.

I don't know OP, and not to sound harsh I don't really care which direction she goes with this.

What I can say from experience and knowledge I've gained along the way is, love is an action, it's easy to say you love someone harder to show it through actions. OP's actions don't match her words. That has nothing to do with the posters here being betrayed spouses.

Here is the thing, the comments and advise tends to be a mixture of personal experience, understanding what did and didn't work, what they wished could have or didn't happen.

Yet, common sense says you can't build a happy well balanced healthy relationship on lies. Any therapist that suggests otherwise is a bad one. A good one understands that Keeping this a secret will only create bigger issues.
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Old 16th November 2017, 1:15 PM   #59
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The majority of people commenting here are Betrayed Spouses (that is what they call themselves). The most angry with you and virulent about how important your immediate confession is, are the ones who were most hurt by whoever and whatever happened in THEIR lives. They have their own agenda, it has nothing to do with you, your situation, your relationship and your baby.

Professionals who have actually met you, are telling you to put your health and child first, for now. Please listen to them.
Absolute horsesh*t.

The majority of people that are commenting are doing so because they have been through the reality of what has taken place and have done so under no illusion that lying is the way to go.

When folks post with the "what they don't know won't hurt them attitude" it stokes the same "selfish me first" attitude fires that they had to live through.

Counselors who use the "look after yourself right now" do absolutely nothing but enable the guilty to gloss over what took place which in turn gives them a feeling of satisfaction.

In the brief written words of what the OP has said, she has a lot going for her in her significant other staying. The guy is nowhere in sight, and she has not talked to him. Those two factors alone are huge!

As someone that was cheated on, I would be willing to listen. If my ex had come to me after we married and two years down the line told me, my opinion of her would be utter garbage. To be able to swallow that guilt for that long goes along way in showing me that lying comes easy...
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Old 16th November 2017, 1:15 PM   #60
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Post natal depression is dangerous. People have done terrible things under its influence. Advising OP to take care of it and herself first, before unleashing a whole world more of stress and pain, is sensible and careful. There is no possible healing for anyone anyway until that is resolved. I have not met her and neither have you, but other professionals have - I would not be comfortable undermining that.
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