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Horrible mistake


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 15th November 2017, 12:09 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HCEC View Post
I thought Iíd get a reaction like that.

Telling him would destroy the happiness he has with his daughter and me.

I completely accept I knew what I was doing, doesnít mean it wasnít a mistake. Iíd never do it again

Is it better o really shatter a family for one stupid night?

I almost feel as if I am telling him just to ease my guilt
You are not understanding this correctly. You are acting like it is the action of telling him that would be the cause of his pain. That's a lie to yourself to talk yourself out of doing it. It was THE ACTION that destroyed his happiness and shattered his family. The telling is just you being honest with the horrific actions you took so that you are not desperately attempting to dictate the consequences you have to face by being controlling over your husband and tailoring his day to day feelings to your liking, not to reality. Not cool.


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Originally Posted by HCEC View Post
It really was a one night one time thing.

Nothing else every happened or every would. Why would I put it is a one time thing on here if it was more. I have no need to lie on here

Thanks smackie9

I have just been given anti depressants for post natal depression so maybe Iíll get to grips with them first
It was not a one night thing. Sex once? Ya, maybe. But you said you started talking to a friend you knew was in love with you, and were flirting over text with him. So this was an ongoing emotional affair before it escalated to a physical affair....this means more than a one time thing, and even more deceitful and thought out. Don't fool yourself.

You have to tell him. You did wrong and now have to face your consequences and do right by your husband. Anything else is a lie and a means to control his reaction and the cost you have to pay, and so is selfish and cruel. And when and if you tell him, tell him everything. Don't tell him it was a one time thing and then he finds out about the texting later. Tell him it all up front and take your licks. Its the best chance you have.
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Old 15th November 2017, 12:19 PM   #17
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I get it! Itís the action that is the problem
I donít feel great about it. In fact I feel that bad itís stopping me enjoying the baby I always wanted.

I donít want to do the same to him which is why o havenít told him

I hadnít considered the texting part before, you are right thatís bad enough if itself!

I do truly hate myself!
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Old 15th November 2017, 12:25 PM   #18
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I also don’t know why someone put I can’t be a good mother because of this
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Old 15th November 2017, 12:39 PM   #19
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Listen, that is what we are trying to say...

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Originally Posted by HCEC View Post
Also, I am completely concerned about hurting him. Otherwise I would just tell him so I could stop driving myself nuts.

I donít blame you all for judging me but you actually donít know me or know how much I LoVE my other half. Yes it was awful what I did but there are worse things!

I love my fiancťe more than anything in the world and thatís what is so hard
Listen, that is what we are trying to say... We do know you and we do understand what you are going through. Most on this site have either cheated or been cheated on. Some, like me have lived through both.

And that is the point. The things that we are saying are not judging you, we are telling you the truth.

Until you actually see what you have done, and have the courage to take the necessary actions to correct it and live an authentic life, you will feel just the way that you feel now.

You said it yourself in your post, "Also, I am completely concerned about hurting him. Otherwise I would just tell him so I could stop driving myself nuts."

Stop driving myself nuts, me, me, me... Your guilt, your pain, not his pain when this comes out 10 years from now. Or not even your child's pain when you and he divorce over this. It is all about you.

Just like your affair, even if it was just a ONS, was a selfish, horrible act that you committed against your F. You did that to him for no other reason than you wanted to.

Is some of this starting to sink in now? You are just exactly like every other cheater who has enough of a conscience to feel guilt for what you have done, and does not have the courage to confess.

I use courage specifically because you are taking a risk, your F, if he is any kind of a man, may leave you in the dust for doing what you have done.

But, by confessing, you actually show LOVE for your F and you take a piece of your self-respect back...
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Old 15th November 2017, 1:37 PM   #20
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Dont tell him. Bury it for now and use the guilt to be a better and more loving partner and mother. Telling him will only bring you, him and more importantly your child, grief.

Please focus on sorting your post natal depression first. I have been through that and it is not something you can leave. It is dangerous, for you and your child. Clear your head, get into a good strong place first. And then think about this other stuff and what you want to do about it. Priorities are your child and your health, for now.
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Old 15th November 2017, 2:42 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HCEC View Post
In fact I feel that bad itís stopping me enjoying the baby I always wanted.
I do truly hate myself!
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Originally Posted by HCEC View Post
I also donít know why someone put I canít be a good mother because of this
To answer this... just look at your own statements above.

This child is a part of him. If you cannot treat him with honesty and love, then you cannot treat this child that way either. A relationship based on a lie like this is like hiding cancer. You think it will just go away? No, it's going to grow and spread until it kills the relationship completely.

Women seem to think that guys are stupid and can't detect this stuff. I knew something was wrong when my wife as cheating. I didn't know what it was at the time. I put it behind me for a time, but it always nagged at me.
Eventually I put the pieces together, because the thing was eating away at our relationship. We had failed IVF too. I know how hard this stuff is to deal with.

Bottom line is that if you love him, then you must give him a chance to be in a relationship with you. Not some fake projection of you, but the real you, warts and all. It will hurt, but most of that pain will come from the death of his fake vision of you. He deserves the chance to choose to stay or choose to leave. Don't take the choice away from him... that is truly selfish.
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Old 15th November 2017, 2:45 PM   #22
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Dont tell him. Bury it for now and use the guilt to be a better and more loving partner and mother. Telling him will only bring you, him and more importantly your child, grief.
Please focus on sorting your post natal depression first. I have been through that and it is not something you can leave. It is dangerous, for you and your child. Clear your head, get into a good strong place first. And then think about this other stuff and what you want to do about it. Priorities are your child and your health, for now.
What kind of person thinks like this?

What right do you have to try to trick and trap someone into a relationship based on lies? To take this advice a person must lack both a conscience and a soul. You would advise her to become a monster?
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Old 15th November 2017, 2:51 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HCEC View Post
I thought Iíd get a reaction like that.

Telling him would destroy the happiness he has with his daughter and me.

I completely accept I knew what I was doing, doesnít mean it wasnít a mistake. Iíd never do it again

Is it better o really shatter a family for one stupid night?

I almost feel as if I am telling him just to ease my guilt
Is it his daughter?

Have the child DNA tested.

Do not marry him unless you get honest!

Your stress and anxiety is likey due to your lack of honesty.

Deal with the consequences of your actions... and no, this is no mistake. Stop referring to your purposeful actions as a mistake.

Own what you did.
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Old 15th November 2017, 3:12 PM   #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HCEC View Post
It really was a one night one time thing.

Nothing else every happened or every would. Why would I put it is a one time thing on here if it was more. I have no need to lie on here

Thanks smackie9

I have just been given anti depressants for post natal depression so maybe Iíll get to grips with them first
You were secretly sending flirty texts, meeting up and then had sex....that was not a one time thing it was a full blown affair. Minimizing your actions and misleading is almost as bad as the sex itself.
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Old 15th November 2017, 3:36 PM   #25
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Oh I can see it now, the child falls off the bicycle and gets hurt. A quick visit to the ER and the blood info rolls in...Not compatible. ie. Not daddy's kid. That will go over like a lead balloon.
Then lets see, IVF isn't working and you get depressed. Started drinking and found a F-buddy. Then, WHoalla! Your pregnant. Yup, had to be IVF...Your guy goes to get a medical check and finds out he has no swimmers. He can't conceive. That will be a great rock into the marriage glass! Maybe boytoy can
"donate" more swimmers when the kid deserves a sibling....

But thank heavens you have a "rock solid guy" and a baby "you always wanted."

Please, for the love of everything holy. Tell him, be brutally honest and candid. You may have to delay your marriage for awhile, but atleast you can start over clean. And your head will be on straight.
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Old 15th November 2017, 3:39 PM   #26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cobra_X View Post
What kind of person thinks like this?

What right do you have to try to trick and trap someone into a relationship based on lies? To take this advice a person must lack both a conscience and a soul. You would advise her to become a monster?
Exactly!!!! Then years down the road with the illegitimate kid in tow. Something happens and you have to "hide" another issue from your "man". Cause, it might hurt him...

Give me a break. This is projecting to quantify others actions. Nothing more.
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Old 15th November 2017, 4:15 PM   #27
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I know but she swears that...

I know but she swears that... But OP swears that she only got pregnant through IVF.


So, at least we can hope that she is right about this part...
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Old 15th November 2017, 4:45 PM   #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HCEC View Post
I get it! Itís the action that is the problem
I donít feel great about it. In fact I feel that bad itís stopping me enjoying the baby I always wanted.

I donít want to do the same to him which is why o havenít told him

I hadnít considered the texting part before, you are right thatís bad enough if itself!

I do truly hate myself!
You are still talking about doing him harm like it's a future tense. This is why I say you don't yet get it. You have ALREADY harmed him...the only thing here is that he doesn't know it yet. Telling him is just another chance to do the right thing or the wrong thing and you are doing the wrong thing if you don't tell him.

It's simple...look at it this way:
- If you love him, then you want the best for him, whether it negatively impacts you or not
- What's best for him, is to have all of the correct information so that he is fully informed as to who he is marrying, and not risking losing years of his life with someone he would never have married had he been given the benefit of all the relevant information to make really large live decision in an informed way.

Think of it like this....if you found out from his doctor that he had cancer, and had two months to live, would you tell him? Would you want him to know the brutal truth no matter how difficult it would be for him, so that he can make some informed decisions on how he wants to spend his time and how what he wants to prioritize in his life? Or would you decide that because if would be hard on him and ruin his day, that it would be best to just not let him know and let him go on ignorant of it until it knocks him off of his feet some time down the road?

The choice is the same...what's good for your husband if you love him...only difference is that in this reality, you have created it, and you will have to pay the consequences. Don't let selfishness be the reason you don't tell him!
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Old 15th November 2017, 4:51 PM   #29
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She can't know for sure the pregnancy is from IVF.

What is the timing of the pregnancy?

Did you become pregnant anywhere close to the time that you had sex with your other man?
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Old 15th November 2017, 5:19 PM   #30
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You guys are being really harsh on the OP.

It's clear she's feeling really bad about the ONS and I've come across a few women who cheated after fertility difficulties.... I don't know if it's hormonal.

Not making excuses at all ..but having been told the disappointment of knowing you can't have a child brings about serious depression ... and has led to infidelity.

Anyway.... I was going to ask if there is any way your fiance would ever be able to find out about this?

I don't think you can live with this or you wouldn't be posting.... so you have to tell him.
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