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Horrible mistake


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 15th November 2017, 8:21 AM   #1
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Horrible mistake

This will be a long post, apologies in advance

A couple of years ago I was going through IvF with my partner and it failed. I was depressed, our relationship wasn’t fun and all I did was think about not being able to have children. Sex stopped unless it was timed to try and get pregnant.

I started talking to a friend who I knew loved me but I felt nothing for. Before I knew it we were flirting over text etc. He kept asking me to meet which we did but nothing happened.

I had a cycle of IVF that failed and felt very unsupported by my partner. So I got very drunk and slept with the other guy.

I broke things off with my partner but never told him. We worked through our communication problems, got back together and now are engaged with a 6 month old baby

I am very sleep deprived and maybe postnatally depressed but all I can think of is the guilt from my one night mistake

If I tell my partner it would shatter his happiness. He is completely the man I want to be with.

Will my guilt ease in time? I think it is so strong at the moment because I don’t have much else to think about. It makes me cry daily and I spend hours googling should I tell me partner

I have being given anti depressants by my doctor as suffered anxiety about my baby’s health before this guilt surfaced. Is it just linked to my depression?

What should I do?
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Old 15th November 2017, 8:51 AM   #2
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What should I do?
The first thing is stop calling what you did a mistake!

It was a conscious decision and calling such shenanigans a Mistake is sheer lunacy. Mistakes are wrong lane changes or getting Wheat bread when you wanted rye.

Having sex with someone else was a decision made by you.

Secondly, The thing you do is to be HONEST with your fiance. If you love him, you would have done that before he even asked you to get married. That would have been the FIRST thing you would have done.

Keeping important, potentially life altering information from someone who needs it is a crime in and of itself. By doing so, you 're robbing the person you purport to love, of any choice, through no fault of his own.

All actions have consequences, So grow up, tell your fiance what you did, stop calling your actions a mistake, and accept what consequence your receive without protest.

A marriage starting out based on such a lie as you are willing to tell is no marriage at all, but a farce. A farce in which you will be wholly responsible.

Stop trying to cover your own ass, and making yourself look like an ass in doing so. You covering your ass is what got you to this point in the first place. So act like an adult and tell him and let the chips fall where they may.
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Old 15th November 2017, 8:59 AM   #3
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I thought I’d get a reaction like that.

Telling him would destroy the happiness he has with his daughter and me.

I completely accept I knew what I was doing, doesn’t mean it wasn’t a mistake. I’d never do it again

Is it better o really shatter a family for one stupid night?

I almost feel as if I am telling him just to ease my guilt

Last edited by HCEC; 15th November 2017 at 9:02 AM..
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Old 15th November 2017, 9:13 AM   #4
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I thought Iíd get a reaction like that.

Telling him would destroy the happiness he has with his daughter and me.

I completely accept I knew what I was doing, doesnít mean it wasnít a mistake. Iíd never do it again

Is it better o really shatter a family for one stupid night?

I almost feel as if I am telling him just to ease my guilt
But is it really his daughter? It only takes one stupid, senseless act to shatter a family forever, and this doesn't qualify. A senseless act is getting shot while standing in line at a fast food dive. Getting splattered by a drunk driver also qualifies. Letting another man schmooze his way into your vagina over a period of time doesn't qualify as anything but a well thought out decision. Your decision - your consequences...
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Old 15th November 2017, 9:36 AM   #5
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Yes itís definetly his daughter! Read my first post properly, sheís IVF!
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Old 15th November 2017, 10:01 AM   #6
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Yes itís definetly his daughter! Read my first post properly, sheís IVF!
You need to re-read and re-write your first post. For the
way you wrote it you were having problems conceiving.
After the last attempt failed you then had sex with the OM.
Then you say that you are now pregnant.

Your post made me also wonder who the dad was.

Anyway, how do you know the OM is not the dad?

Did you have a paternity test done?

On to recovering your relationship. You need to tell
your BF the truth. You are new to infidelity forums.
So you may not be aware of all the stories were the
wife cheated before they were married. Then the
devastation that happened years later when the truth
finally came out.

There is a good chance you BF will forgive you if you
confess now. Less chance when he finds out later.
And, more times then not they usually find out.

Also fear and regret is driving your thinking now. Not
remorse and sorrow. So your words to I will never
cheat again ring hollow because you have not done
the work to make sure you will never make the same
bad decisions. Work = IC + being honest and telling
your BF.
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Old 15th November 2017, 10:01 AM   #7
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So telling him would be what breaks your relationship? OR could it be the fact you had an affair.....this wasn't a one time thing BTW it was a ongoing affair.

Telling or not is what determines the kind of relationship you will have. At this point it's a relationship sitting on a bomb .
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Old 15th November 2017, 10:03 AM   #8
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Is this "friend" still in your life? I'm on the fence with whether it would be better for him to know or not. Sometimes I think telling the other person to take the weight off of you is selfish in a way. You'll feel a bit better and he'll never be the same. I've been cheated on by someone who I completely trusted and loved and it was the worst feeling in the world. I don't wish it upon anyone else.

If you tell him you have to realize that nothing will be the same again. I know it is extremely unfair to keep it from him but I think being oblivious is better than knowing in some cases.
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Old 15th November 2017, 10:07 AM   #9
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Marrying someone by lying to them(including lying by omission) is a lot worse. You can't control other people and the truth eventually surfaces, he will think his whole marriage is a sham. Your best policy is to tell the truth.
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Old 15th November 2017, 10:38 AM   #10
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I suggest you go talk to a therapist FIRST that specializes in prenatal depression/ relationships.

Then when you have your emotions settled and are of more clearer thinking, then decide if you want to tell him or not.

It's not a crime to not tell him or not tell him at this time, because it is your life, your conscience you are dealing with and it's no one elses business to tell you otherwise.

Sometimes telling the truth is worse than just forgetting it ever happened and moving on from it.

If you do tell him, the both of you seek out couples counseling...I feel it's not worth tossing all of what you have away over this one time indiscretion.
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Old 15th November 2017, 10:58 AM   #11
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smackie9 is right, this is your decision to make and none of us has the right to impose our moral standards on you. I just see how torn up you are at this point in your relationship, how will you carry a secret this big the rest of your life without further damage? As a betrayed spouse it's is my opinion and my opinion only, I would rather know the truth before I married you then finding out after we married. Marrying you is still his decision and he now takes full responsibility for that decision. Not telling him takes his right to decide away from him. That is my only point. If your worried about his reaction tell him in your counselling session.
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Old 15th November 2017, 11:02 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HCEC View Post
I thought Iíd get a reaction like that.
Telling him would destroy the happiness he has with his daughter and me.
I completely accept I knew what I was doing, doesnít mean it wasnít a mistake. Iíd never do it again
Is it better o really shatter a family for one stupid night?
I almost feel as if I am telling him just to ease my guilt
No, you would be telling him the truth so that you can have a real relationship. Right now you have a fake relationship and you know it. Every day you don't tell him means another day of lying and deceiving.

It's true that you need forgiveness. What you did was terrible. They put people to death in some countries for that. This is a very serious thing. Once he forgives you, only then can you begin to forgive yourself.

You cannot be a good mother or wife with this hanging over your head, and the longer you go without telling him the worse this will be.
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Old 15th November 2017, 11:12 AM   #13
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This post tells us everything we need to know...

Quote:
Originally Posted by HCEC View Post
I thought Iíd get a reaction like that.

Telling him would destroy the happiness he has with his daughter and me.

I completely accept I knew what I was doing, doesnít mean it wasnít a mistake. Iíd never do it again

Is it better o really shatter a family for one stupid night?

I almost feel as if I am telling him just to ease my guilt
This post tells us everything we need to know... This is your first rodeo, but yes, this is the reaction your should expect because you know what you did was horrific, but you really don't want to rock the boat.

You are not really afraid of hurting him, you already did that, you are afraid of the consequences that you may face if you are honest with him.

A listen really close... IT WAS NOT A MISTAKE. YOU HAD AN AFFAIR AND YOU SLEPT WITH YOUR AFFAIR PARTNER. And really, was it only one time??? Really, no oral, no heavy petting from time to time??? All of that is cheating.

A mistake is losing our keys, not sleeping with someone, that is the reality. Listen to what people on LS are saying, we have been through it, and got the tee-shirt.

You BF deserves to know, NOW...
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Old 15th November 2017, 11:49 AM   #14
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It really was a one night one time thing.

Nothing else every happened or every would. Why would I put it is a one time thing on here if it was more. I have no need to lie on here

Thanks smackie9

I have just been given anti depressants for post natal depression so maybe Iíll get to grips with them first
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Old 15th November 2017, 11:57 AM   #15
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Also, I am completely concerned about hurting him. Otherwise I would just tell him so I could stop driving myself nuts.

I donít blame you all for judging me but you actually donít know me or know how much I LoVE my other half. Yes it was awful what I did but there are worse things!

I love my fiancťe more than anything in the world and thatís what is so hard
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