Should I Leave My Fiance for My Lover?

[Confused Woman]

I have been engaged for two years but have been with my fiancé for 8 years. We’ve been through a lot of ups and downs. He has a terminal fear of commitment and he has stated several times in the past that he wanted to end the relationship but we always wind up staying together. I guess I just got tired of waiting for the next time he’d tell me he wanted to break up, which I realize is no justification for my actions. Anyway, I recently began having an affair with a coworker who is married with children. Initially it was just supposed to be a way of me breaking away from the shaky center of my universe, which was my fiancé. I told myself going in that there was absolutely no chance for any kind of future with this man. Then as we got closer my lover began to reveal to me how truly unhappy he is with his wife. He told me that he’s wanted to leave her for some time now, but has only lasted this long for his children’s sake. He also told me that he wants to move out and be committed to me. In the meantime I've developed strong feelings for this man. Then I think about my relationship and how much I’ve been hurt each and every time my fiancé has told me he wants it to be over, and how uncertain I am of his love and commitment to me. I’ve started thinking that maybe there just might be a future for me and this man but I am very confused. I’ve invested a lot into my relationship with my fiancé and am not sure if I should throw it all away for a married man with children. What should I do?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Here are some options:

 

1. Leave your fiance and wait years and years for this MM to actually live up to his promise to move out (I expect you'll get the 'when they are 18/going to college' excuse) - then if he does, you'll have to find a new way to cope because your relationship is defined by infidelity - the core of your relationship is infidelity. Once the infidelity factor is removed, you'll have to retool your relationship with this guy, from the bottom up - your old roles as MM and OW will be discarded, and you'll have to get to know each other and build a relationship in your new roles. Keep in mind, though that the needs you fulfill for this man are ONLY in the context of your role as the OW. You may find that as soon as you take the W spot, you will no longer be fulfilling the needs he had for you - or for that matter, you for him and you'll find this new relationship to be as unfulfilling as the ones you discarded and left behind. Then there will be visitation, child support and the fact that his W(or XW) and his children will always be in his life. There's a very, very good chance that he will go back to his W - that is, if he leaves her to begin with. OW rarely understand that in a situation like this, they have a place and a specific set of needs that they fulfill - and any attempt to push it past the boundaries of your place as the OW will result in one thing: the OW gets dumped as soon as she becomes a threat to the MM's 'real life'. You will have to determine if your MM is truly unhappy at home, or if he is a cakeman. If he is truly unhappy, and truly wants to leave - then there is a chance. Odds are though, that he is a cakeman and has no real intention of ever leaving his W/C/home. This can easily be determined by the next option:

 

2. Talk to your fiance about your concerns, cut off all contact with the MM for a few months and ask to go to pre-marital counseling to see if there is anything left between you to build a strong foundation of marriage on. If there is not, then be honest with yourself and him and end the relationship. At least you'll know that you tried to see if there was something there to work on. You will also be giving MM a chance to do the same with his W. Should the 'no contact' result in MM never talking to you again, then you will have saved yourself the trouble of committing yourself to someone who didn't find you worth the time to wait for.

 

3. Break it off with them both, and give yourself a good few months of time to sort out your head and your heart. Unbiased, uninterrupted time away from any men - time to figure out what it is that you want and need, with no interference of what it is you think that others need from you.

[moimeme]

I vote #3

[swirlingdaisy]

You're obviously not in a state of mind to be committing yourself to marrying your fiance. Someone who's truly committed to marrying someone doesn't go having a fling with a coworker, let alone a married one.

 

So, you need to develop a backbone and end things with your fiance if you have such concerns about his level of future commitment.

 

You also need to wise up and leave your MARRIED coworker alone. You are being naive by believing his song and dance about how unhappy he is with his marriage ( of course he's going to say that, I mean, would he really say he was happy yet want to be with you?) and how he's only staying for the kids (they say that all the time). You have no business being with someone who's got a wife and a family, that's just wrong and the epitome of disrespect to his wife and children - they've done nothing against you, they don't deserve this. If he has such issues with his marriage, he should grow some balls and do something about it...either through marriage counselling or getting a divorce - so his wife can then go on to find someone who will be a good partner/husband (as opposed to the cowardly, deceitful, unfaithful snake she has at present).

 

You need to spend several months by yourself to get your head on straight. You've been in the relationship with your fiance for 8 yrs - it's been forever since you were on your own and had some time to just yourself. You need to examine your head and figure out why you remained with your fiance for as long as you did, considering he's had these alleged commitment issues all this time............

 

Do the right thing.

 

PS....I find it a little too ironic that you speak of your fiance's "commitment issues" yet here you are, participating of your own free will in a situation where your "lover" has his own blatant commitment issues - not fulfilling his commitment to his WIFE and FAMILY.............and also, you're surely not honoring your commitment to your fiance.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by moimeme

I vote #3

 

I am with Moi.

The MM might never leave his wife, but your fiance is also not the right one for you. You need a guy #3 - a single man ready commit. As a matter of fact you're dating two men who cannot commit to you; one doesn't want and the other one (you think) cannot. He can, but he won't either!

There ARE men who are willing to commit, ya know..

[quankanne]

look what's behind door number 3.

 

you're obviously spinning your wheels with both your fiancé AND your married lover, because while each may care for you in his own way, the commitment is there: F because you know he really doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you (based on what you've shared), MM because he's already in a committed relationship. With His Wife. Believe me, you've got better things to do than hang around waiting for one or the other of these deadbeats to act on what they've been saying.

 

alone is only a state of mind you choose to be in; it's not a crime to be single, so go out and enjoy life as an independent woman, rather than someone waiting for something that'll never show up.

[Treasa]

You think that the ideal way to get away from a "shaky" situation is to sleep with and then develop feelings for a married man with kids?

 

 

Honey, you went from a 3.3 to an 8 on the Richter scale. I vote for #3 also.

[chronic]

#3

[whichwayisup]

Jumping on the bandwagon here, put me down for #3.

 

How can you decide what and WHO you want when your feelings are all over the map? You love your F but you have very intense strong feelings for this MM too. NOONE can make a proper choice under your circumstances. It's not fair to your fiance, even though he's a committment phobe, he doesn't deserve to be cheated upon. You can't start a life together with a big fat lie. HUGE no no!

 

Take time off from both of them, find out WHO you are alone - then see how it goes with your fiance. I'd stay away from MM though. Go take a peek in the OM/OW forum, and infidelity forum...Reading some of the heartbreaking stories in there will hopefully put you off and also give you ALOT of insight of what kind of pain you could inflict on yourself if you continue this path with the MM. That's playing with fire and you're gonna get burnt big time!

 

Good luck.

[Grinning Maniac]

Originally posted by swirlingdaisy

PS....I find it a little too ironic that you speak of your fiance's "commitment issues" yet here you are, participating of your own free will in a situation where your "lover" has his own blatant commitment issues - not fulfilling his commitment to his WIFE and FAMILY.............and also, you're surely not honoring your commitment to your fiance.

 

DING DING DING. Blue ribbon post.

[Fool In Love]

[color=red]HAHA that's funny no wonder your fiance/boyfriend don't want to commit to you, cuz you can't commit yourself, you're a Dam walking contradiction. Poor guy... poor wife, poor kids. What a messed up situation you got yourself into. [/color]

[ziggue]

Originally posted by Fool In Love

[color=red] HAHA that's funny no wonder your fiance/boyfriend don't want to commit to you, cuz you can't commit yourself, you're a Dam walking contradiction. Poor guy... poor wife, poor kids. What a messed up situation you got yourself into. . [/color]

 

Exactly what I thought. If the fiance does find out you cheated and does end up leaving I feel sorry for the girl in the next relationship he might end up in if he does end up leaving. All the walls she will have to break down to get him to open up and commit to her.

 

Sorry to sound so harsh but that is the truth. . .

 

You don't need to sleep with someone else just because they are having commitment issues. You just have to talk it out and communicate with them. Sleeping with someone else just causes more problems. You don't need that. You don't have to make your life more complicated by the situation that you are in. You can always get out of it make time to sort out your head and your heart like what #3 was saying and start over.

 

Good Luck in whatever you decide to do. .

[MiChick43]

Three was it for me, too.

 

 

Good luck.

[Confused Woman]

Just want to give an update on my situation. The MM told me he loves me today, and I said it back to him. I really do love him, but how the h%#@ do we work this out- the wife, kids and fiancé issue.

 

I’ve decided not to leave my fiancé until he leaves his wife because I have to be sure he’s for real. Today when he told me he loves me, he actually cried…He also cried once before when he was telling me how much he loves his children…I really think he’s a great guy. I know that at this moment I’m probably blinded by my emotions but this man truly loves his children and told me that he will always be there for and support his children no matter what.

 

For the first time in forever my future is uncertain to me, and it’s scary. For the last 8 years I knew who I’d be spending the rest of my life with and it was my fiancé. Now I’m contemplating leaving him behind and venturing into a very uncertain future. For me my fiancé was not just my partner but also my closest friend and my support system, so this would undoubtedly be the most difficult thing I’ve ever done.

 

Then there are my lover's children; he told me that I’d have to be able to handle his three kids (during visits)- the thought terrifies me. Not to mention the fact that they would undoubtedly hate me. Yes I’ve listened to the advice given, and actually attempted to end things recently with my lover but it didn’t work. I was miserable and all I could do was think of him; I guess the heart wants what the heart wants…

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by Confused Woman Just want to give an update on my situation. The MM told me he loves me today, and I said it back to him. I really do love him, but how the h%#@ do we work this out- the wife, kids and fiancé issue.

 

Oh you poor thing.......I feel for you.......

 

Neither of you deserve for this to work out. You're destroying so many lives out of selfishness.

 

Originally posted by Confused Woman I've decided not to leave my fiancé until he leaves his wife because I have to be sure he’s for real.

 

Ahh so in case the OM doesn't work out you want to make sure you got the fiance to fall back on. You're so selfish and malicious. If you care one ounce for your fiance you'd leave him now. Of course that would mean not being a coward and putting someone elses feelings and life ahead of your own. If you cared for him at all you'd that poor man find someone who is actually worthy of his affection and love.

 

Originally posted by Confused Woman I really think he’s a great guy. I know that at this moment I’m probably blinded by my emotions but this man truly loves his children and told me that he will always be there for and support his children no matter what.

 

A really great parent puts their kids feelings and needs ahead of their own. He is doing neither. I'm not saying a person should stay with someone for the kids. But they shouldn't set the horrible example he is. He is a horrible role model, and his kids will eventually grow to resent him and you for destroying their family. You both deserse that resent.

 

There are right ways to end a relationship when kids are involved, and there are horrible selfish ways. He is doing the latter.

 

Just realize he is leaving his wife and hurting his kids for selfish impulses. If he is willing to do that to them at some point he will probably do it to you. Of course you're just like him so you will probably do it to him as well. In that regard you're made for each other........

 

Originally posted by Confused Woman For me my fiancé was not just my partner but also my closest friend and my support system, so this would undoubtedly be the most difficult thing I’ve ever done.

 

Must of not been too close of friends or you'd be treating him a whole lot better and with a little more respect. Really the only reason you're with him is for the support system. You're using him. If you weren't you'd leave him now. You won't do that because you're a COWARD.

 

Originally posted by Confused Woman Then there are my lover's children; he told me that I’d have to be able to handle his three kids (during visits)- the thought terrifies me. Not to mention the fact that they would undoubtedly hate me.

 

And you deserve any hate or venom they spit at you. And believe me they will. For as long as you're with him they will hate and resent you both, and rightfully so.

 

Originally posted by Confused Woman I was miserable and all I could do was think of him; I guess the heart wants what the heart wants…

 

Then why not leave your fiance? WHy remain if you're miserable? Ahh yes.....coward. Need the back up plan.

 

 

This will all eventually blow up in your face. It may take 5-10 years but it will. You're both dishonest selfish people who behave in a cowardly manner. Neither of you has any sense of responsibility. In reality the best thing that could happen to his wife and to your fiance is for you to two to hooks up. At least then they'd be free of you both. The worst thing that could happen to them is being stuck with two lying, cheating, miserable people who'd rather be with someone else but only stay out of fear.

[erika2610]

Originally posted by Sal Paradise

Oh you poor thing.......I feel for you.......

 

Neither of you deserve for this to work out. You're destroying so many lives out of selfishness.

 

 

 

Ahh so in case the OM doesn't work out you want to make sure you got the fiance to fall back on. You're so selfish and malicious. If you care one ounce for your fiance you'd leave him now. Of course that would mean not being a coward and putting someone elses feelings and life ahead of your own. If you cared for him at all you'd that poor man find someone who is actually worthy of his affection and love.

 

 

 

A really great parent puts their kids feelings and needs ahead of their own. He is doing neither. I'm not saying a person should stay with someone for the kids. But they shouldn't set the horrible example he is. He is a horrible role model, and his kids will eventually grow to resent him and you for destroying their family. You both deserse that resent.

 

There are right ways to end a relationship when kids are involved, and there are horrible selfish ways. He is doing the latter.

 

Just realize he is leaving his wife and hurting his kids for selfish impulses. If he is willing to do that to them at some point he will probably do it to you. Of course you're just like him so you will probably do it to him as well. In that regard you're made for each other........

 

 

 

Must of not been too close of friends or you'd be treating him a whole lot better and with a little more respect. Really the only reason you're with him is for the support system. You're using him. If you weren't you'd leave him now. You won't do that because you're a COWARD.

 

 

 

And you deserve any hate or venom they spit at you. And believe me they will. For as long as you're with him they will hate and resent you both, and rightfully so.

 

 

 

Then why not leave your fiance? WHy remain if you're miserable? Ahh yes.....coward. Need the back up plan.

 

 

This will all eventually blow up in your face. It may take 5-10 years but it will. You're both dishonest selfish people who behave in a cowardly manner. Neither of you has any sense of responsibility. In reality the best thing that could happen to his wife and to your fiance is for you to two to hooks up. At least then they'd be free of you both. The worst thing that could happen to them is being stuck with two lying, cheating, miserable people who'd rather be with someone else but only stay out of fear.

 

Wow.. I can tell you love helping people This girl came here for advice.. not to have you attack her. You can give her advice without being so nasty..

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by erika2610

Wow.. I can tell you love helping people This girl came here for advice.. not to have you attack her. You can give her advice without being so nasty..

 

I probably should of been a bit less sarcastic and more constructive. Though I feel I did give her good advice.

 

 

Hard to be completely civil with someone who is basically hurting others on purpose with almost no remorse. Someone who is basically using her husband. Also she got some advice from others and chose not to listen to it. So obviously she doesn't want advice, she wants to be told what she wants to hear, not the truth.

 

I've never been good at sugar coating my thoughts to people who act so irresponsible and cruel with zero remorse.

[erika2610]

Originally posted by Sal Paradise

I probably should of been a bit less sarcastic and more constructive. Though I feel I did give her good advice.

 

 

Hard to be completely civil with someone who is basically hurting others on purpose with almost no remorse. Someone who is basically using her husband. Also she got some advice from others and chose not to listen to it. So obviously she doesn't want advice, she wants to be told what she wants to hear, not the truth.

 

I've never been good at sugar coating my thoughts to people who act so irresponsible and cruel with zero remorse.

 

We've all done things we regret or are gonna regret. Some just don't have remorse at the time.. I dated a MM for a year, and I didn't really feel any remorse in the beginning. NOW I regret it more than anything. but what're ya gonna do. You did give good advice, just in a very harsh way People come here for support and advice.. not to be attacked. I too find it hard to be tolerant of people who just don't listen. But again, what're ya gonna do? They'll learn there lesson..

[TylerC]

I think SalParadise made some good points, ConfusedWoman, you are incredibly selfish.

[whichwayisup]

Just want to give an update on my situation. The MM told me he loves me today, and I said it back to him. I really do love him, but how the h%#@ do we work this out- the wife, kids and fiancé issue.

 

OK well, you've really opened yourself up for a huge hurt ... MM rarely leave their wives. I can pretty much guarantee you that he'll promise you a "leaving date" yet that date will NEVER come...There will always be some excuse...His kids birthday's, graduations, whatever.

 

I've not been OW and I never intend on being one. But what I can say is I've read tons and tons and TONS of OW threads about how they love their MM and hope someday they will be together...Reality is now. He is not going to leave his wife...he wants eat his cake and eat it too...Just like you do...

 

I’ve decided not to leave my fiancé until he leaves his wife because I have to be sure he’s for real. Today when he told me he loves me, he actually cried…He also cried once before when he was telling me how much he loves his children…I really think he’s a great guy. I know that at this moment I’m probably blinded by my emotions but this man truly loves his children and told me that he will always be there for and support his children no matter what.

 

So basically you'll "settling" for your fiance. Would rather be with OM, and if that doesn't work out cuz the grass is NOT greener on the otherside of the fence - You now have a man to fall back to. Uhmmm, maybe BE ALONE for a while??? I'm sure he won't be too impressed finding out he was the second choice. Put yourself in your FIANCE's SHOES??? How would YOU feel if the situation was reversed. Bet your heart would feel wonderful huh?

 

For the first time in forever my future is uncertain to me, and it’s scary. For the last 8 years I knew who I’d be spending the rest of my life with and it was my fiancé. Now I’m contemplating leaving him behind and venturing into a very uncertain future. For me my fiancé was not just my partner but also my closest friend and my support system, so this would undoubtedly be the most difficult thing I’ve ever done.

 

Then please go and talk to a therapist. Sort out your feelings, do not hurt an innocent man who loves you. Im talking about the FIANCE not the OM. The OM is not inlove...Neither are you. What it is, is the addiction feeling, the crush and intense sexual attraction. Again, read about some other posts by OW. Maybe you'll prevent yourself from making a HUGE mistake.

 

Then there are my lover's children; he told me that I’d have to be able to handle his three kids (during visits)- the thought terrifies me. Not to mention the fact that they would undoubtedly hate me. Yes I’ve listened to the advice given, and actually attempted to end things recently with my lover but it didn’t work. I was miserable and all I could do was think of him; I guess the heart wants what the heart wants…

 

You wanna be part of the reason why those kids will be miserable? Yes, they would resent you. You took their "daddy" away from their "mommy". Why should they adore you? Sorry, but I'm just being realistic here. You know in your heart what you both are doing is so wrong.

 

The heart wants what it wants...Where is your head? Selfish move lady...You're not thinking straight, you're thinking of ruining INNOCENT CHILDREN and INNOCENT WIFE and INNOCENT FIANCE's lives... Really think hard before you willing make this choice to destroy some lives.