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BF has new female friend. So close SO soon


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I've been seeing a lovely guy for 3 months now. We are very close. I stay over a lot and he introduced me to his family within 2 months of us dating. I am very happy with him.

 

Sometimes, I'm left at his place during the day as he's working and I'll just chill out and do my own thing. Sometimes I 'snoop' around his place, nothing major, bedside table drawers is all. I never find anything, and I'm not so sure I do it to 'catch' him. Because he's so loyal and open, I needn't worry. I guess it's just a stupid thing I do. I'm curious about his past. Little things about him. I mainly like secretly looking at his photo's from when he was little, things he's shy about showing me and figure it's the only time I can see them - hehe. However; I do see this as a level of deception by me, as it's his place he's trusted me with for a good 9 hours or so.

 

Anyhow. a while ago he went on a trip with a relative and as part of the trip, met some people [ who he says are great friends now] and exchanged e-mail addresses and the like as they all departed. I do, to put it blankly have trust issues, and I realise this is a problem, which I'd like to fix. Anyway, One of the friends he made was a girl my age which he always manages to tell me how nice she is, how shes 'so like me' etc, and whilst he wouldn't do anything to hurt me [if even because his sister was there all the time, even in the same shared room at night] I feel a little neglected by what i found semi-accidentally online.

 

It bothers me that I clicked his inbox accidentally instead of the IE tab and as the email popped up, I read it, knowing it was from that girl. I felt wrong reading it, definitely! My 'snooping' previously was always so harmless. Anyway the emails were quite frequent. One 'thread' going back and forth over one day. And emailing every day since for about a week now. He barely mentioned me. Well only once, saying he was in the 'good books' with me, and that's all. He called her by MY nickname saying later it was sarcastic towards her as she was a bit of a 'sook' [princess]. She's very flirtatious, always talking herself up as I've read on, they both exchange meaningful 'I miss yous' and she even went as far as giving him a letter upon departure saying he was [ and he read it to me to prove nothing was going on] 'such a loving man' and all these sappy [for someone whos a friend] compliments and stuff. He talked of me once and her reply was very much a blow off, her wanting to talk more about herself and that irks me. She's single and I guess I feel she's after him. He mentioned her briefly whilst Overseas to me and that's when i told him i was uneasy about it. I think i was uneasy at the time because i was left in another country for a month without him as opposed to now where im uneasy becase of the attention paid to her..

 

A lot of things bother me about this:

-- She unloads all her personal business onto him, and has deep and meaningfuls.

-- He in turn, does the same.. when I guess i feel a little neglected as i'd like to hear about his day, whats bothering him etc. Its like im second to know.

-- The frequency of the correspondence and the depth.

-- The lack of mentioning me, he seems to not even delve into being happy with me at all, but everything else is deep.

-- The way he's flirtatious with her, and her to him.

-- The fact he has very little spare time and that he's even considering getting an IM to chat with HER in that time :(

 

Anyway. I did the wrong thing admittedly. I snooped. so i get what i get. I told him what I'd done, and was upset he'd hide correspondence with her when he knew how upset i was about it to begin with [ I don't even know why ] he was very good about it. saying he'd done this in the past to his GF, reading her diary. but she actually was cheating. So we talked a LOT and it came down to, after a major fight, that he felt be was being pushed into an unfair situation, as i wanted him to stop talking to her. i feel threatened that hes getting close to her, even though she lives many states away, shes asking him to stay for a week[?!?!?!?] and it's making me so upset that he wont understand why im so sad. i feel very inadequate, as though when he says 'shes so nice' that im not, or that he's attracted to her.

 

My problem is now hes saying its not worth losing me over and he'll just tell her he cant talk anymore ie; by saying its affecting our r'ship and that i have issues. though: I don't want her to know that shes a threat if she IS into my BF. And at the same time, I don't like feeling like a cow for making him do this. I just wish they never met.

 

I apologise for how long this is. If anyone can help, constructive critisicm is welcomed. Just note I AM aware my snooping is bad and I by default have no right to dictate what he does with what 'friends'.

 

.. Would you be reacting the same way given her behaviour?

.. Am I overreacting?

.. How can he handle the situation with her without me sounding like a [deserved.. i know] bitch

.. or should he be allowed to talk to her as though nothings happened?

 

I don't feel special anymore. Like he has a new, nicer, friendlier, smarter, prettier, funnier female around to talk deeply with. I feel like Im going crazy :(

 

Please help me! :((

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.. Would you be reacting the same way given her behaviour?

I would be pissed. But I wouldn't give him an ultimatum that he stops talking to her. I would keep my eyes open for more signs of semi-cheating and I might even break up with him. But, I wouldn't act like I was so insecure, becuase that would just give him more reason to stray. Even though he has not crossed the line into "real" cheating, it would be so easy for him to slip into it since he is so careless. I couldn't handle it. I need to really be able to trust someone.

 

Am I overreacting?

No.

 

How can he handle the situation with her without me sounding like a [deserved.. i know] bitch

Don't give ultimatuums. Tell him that it makes you uncomfortable, but he gets to choose what behavior he gets to do. You can't change a persons behavior. So you should watch what he does and decide whether or not you can live with it.

 

 

should he be allowed to talk to her as though nothings happened

He's a grown man. he gets to choose what to do. YOU get to choose whether to stay with him or not.

 

It reminds me of my Ex-bf. He always made new best friends so quickly. He was very charming. But now I think it was a little sociopathic because he would charm people so quickly and everyone thought they were his best friend. When actually he was just using them.

 

It upsets you, that is reason enough for him to stop.

If you were really were in a secure rel'p and you really could trust him, you wouldn't be snooping in the first place. (even though, I admit the snooping is wrong. )

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I am not an expert on these situations, but you seem really desperate for some advice.

 

First of all, he is with you and not with her. No matter how smart / beautiful / divine she is, he prefers you over her. You can even read a compliment for yourself into that. She lives even a few states away.

 

Second of all, snooping does not help, and you know that. The issues you have make it understandable, though, but you should try to deal with your issues yourself.

 

There were 4 points which are worrying, regardless of the friendship deal:

-- He in turn, does the same.. when I guess i feel a little neglected as i'd like to hear about his day, whats bothering him etc.

-- The lack of mentioning me, he seems to not even delve into being happy with me at all, but everything else is deep.

-- The way he's flirtatious with her, and her to him.

-- The fact he has very little spare time and that he's even considering getting an IM to chat with HER in that time

 

It's very much understandable that you have these fears if you read these messages that way.

 

So basically the best thing you can do is admit you have snooped. Tell him also that the problem is not with female friendships per definition, but the way this friendship is developed.

If you are exclusive, you might expect your bf to mention you, when he is talking about his life. And keep his most private things to himself.

The flirtatious behavior should be appropriate. Even the most flirtatious man has his boundaries. I don't know if he is a real flirt in real life. If he is, it is natural for him to behave flirtatious in his emails / IMs.

And tell him that the limited time you have you'd rather spend together, because you find it really important if you do that.

 

Maybe you can work out a compromise with your bf on these points. If you can agree to that, (and don't allow him to spend any time alone with her) the both of you could be happy with the compromise. He still keeps her as a friend, and as long as this other girl lives many states away, it is no problem.

Also do something about your snooping behavior. He might not like it too much.

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First of all, he is with you and not with her. No matter how smart / beautiful / divine she is, he prefers you over her. You can even read a compliment for yourself into that. She lives even a few states away.

 

That's very true. But a good man will make you feel like you are the only woman on the planet. You will feel special, not stupid.

 

I agree that she should stop snooping, but I really don't think this is a good sign. They've only been dating 3 months, this is like the honeymoon phase. She should still be feeling amazingly special.

 

Stop snooping. Evaluate whether he makes you feel special and loved.

 

Btw, what are you doing at his place all day? The key to good relationships is making sure you maintain your own life also.

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Btw, what are you doing at his place all day? The key to good relationships is making sure you maintain your own life also.

 

..... It's just how our living arrangements are. he lives an hours drive from me. When I have a day off, and I've slept over he'll ask me to stay another night and thus, I stay at his place whilst he's working that next day. I'll go out, but I thought that didn't need mentioning for the point of my post.. :(

 

My snooping.. as I've already stated, whilst wrong, was not in search of anything. I've not gone through his house in a frantic search to catch him with something, and the pictures were what I was looking at....

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No no. I wasn't accusing you of anything. Sometimes the urge to snoop is just overwhelming! I know. It's so easy just to open up the e-mail. :) I was just saying that if you want to be secure, don't do it. Because anything might seem bad if you find it out of context.

 

If you found these e-mails by accident... there could be other stuff that he's doing. Don't mean to scare you. but it just doesn't sound right to me.

 

It's just how our living arrangements are. he lives an hours drive from me. When I have a day off, and I've slept over he'll ask me to stay another night and thus, I stay at his place whilst he's working that next day. I'll go out, but I thought that didn't need mentioning for the point of my post..

 

Wow a whole hour! :rolleyes: Just kidding. To me that doesn't seem so bad. :) My bf lives 2.5 hours away.

 

The reason I asked this question is because I was trying to evaluate your relationship as a whole. You've only been dating 3 months. In my very very humble opinion, that seems like a very short time together to be spending all day at his house. Of course I might be very wrong, but it seems like you are kind of sacrificing your own life for the relationship. Don't you have better things to do than hang out alone at his house for 9 hours. Perhaps you should be a little less "available" to him if you want him to appreciate you more.

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Originally posted by Sylphie

My snooping.. as I've already stated, whilst wrong, was not in search of anything.

 

I think that snooping is wrong SYPHILLIS but i have done it a few times in the past and i found some sheeyat I wish I had not. But such is life. oh well.

 

but i think that everyone snoops so we're all even.

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