9-year relationship... and the other guy

[Kuneko]

Hi all. I just discovered these forums... what a nice place! Looks like there's a forum for everything.

 

Anyway, here's my situation. I hope it's not too long/boring to read.

 

I met my current bf in high school, 9 years ago. We're working on year #10 here. We're not married (or even engaged) yet because he had a nervous breakdown about 4 years ago and he dropped out of college. He's working on putting his life back together now.

 

About 6 years ago, I cheated on him with a high school crush. I was in college at the time and things had just escalated from some e-mails with the guy. The relationship lasted in secret for about a year and then I couldn't take the guilt anymore and so I just fessed up. I ended the "other" relationship immediately, though... and we got through it, rebuilding trust, etc.

 

Things were pretty good for a couple years after that. We had both agreed that we wouldn't get engaged until we were both through college, because who needs the stress of a marriage plus trying to go through school at the same time? And since I'm a year older, I'd have been the one to support him while he finished school.

 

And then the nervous breakdown. I was progressing in life: graduated from college, landed my first few jobs, moved out into my own apartment, all that good stuff, but he was depressed and mentally screwy, social anxiety stuff, and withdrew from the world for a few years. I was supportive to the point of becoming an enabler. I don't nag. Maybe I should have nagged. But I was always "Oh, don't worry sweetie, you'll get out of this hole and everything will be fine." Over the course of a few years, though, I was really starting to doubt.

 

Finally, the cloud seemed to be lifting, slowly. He got a job at a local bookstore and even took on a second job at a restaurant, saving up enough money to pay down his loans enough to get back into college so he could graduate.

 

Strangely enough, the week that he took on the second job, I started cheating on him AGAIN. This guy at work is 36 (I'm 27) and we started flirting on AIM... and it just escalated from there. He gave me everything that I wasn't getting from my current relationship: emotional support for ME for a change (instead of me being the one to GIVE emotional support), feeling protected and cared for, and actually going out and doing things. (It's hard to go on dates when your bf is broke and feels bad if you pay for anything.)

 

I know that I should have been FAR more communicative with my "original" boyfriend. I have problems expressing myself a lot of the time, especially when I know it's going to be hard for the other person to deal with, or hurtful in any way. (Yeah, I know: "So you go run around behind his back instead?" Argh.)

 

In January, my boyfriend found out about the other guy through a set of very strange events that aren't important. But he forgave me again and wants to make this work. The two of them even "shared" me for a while, while I tried to figure out what I want.

 

But I'm in love with this other guy now. He made me aware of everything I didn't know I needed and I'm happy for the first time that I can remember in a long time.

 

I think that seeing my original bf stay in that "hole" for so long, made me lose respect for him, or something. There's something that isn't there anymore, for me, and I'm not sure what it is. I'm starting to suspect that I don't love him "like that" anymore. But I also feel tremendously guilty because he's forgiven me TWICE for cheating on him and still loves me deeply. He's been my world for a long, long time and it's terrifying to contemplate leaving it. His friends have become my friends, his family all know and love me, and I'm very entangled... there's a lot to lose: history, compatibility... and it looks like he's getting back on the horse and making something of himself. He wants to make this work. And perhaps he can GIVE me all this stuff that I know that I need now... who knows?

 

So my questions are: 1) Have I screwed up my relationship with my original boyfriend enough to make it unsalvage-able? 2) How do I figure out what I want and how I feel? The guilt makes it nearly impossible. This has been so confusing... 3) Is it stupid to forsake my whole world to pursue the promise of a relationship with "the other guy"?

 

I know I'm an awful girlfriend for cheating on him twice. I've been to a counselor a few times and I'll get to the bottom of that issue, once and for all.

 

At any rate... thanks for reading, and I'll appreciate any replies I get.

 

Boy, this bunny is cute.

[Pocky]

But I'm in love with this other guy now. He made me aware of everything I didn't know I needed and I'm happy for the first time that I can remember in a long time.

 

So why would you want to stay with your current boyfriend? You're not in love with him and it appears as though you haven't been for some time. Staying with him out of convenience and pity isn't the best thing for him either. Eventually, he'll start to notice the lack of a relationship with you and you both will wake up ten years later and realize you're in a relationship with a stranger and someone you don't even love.

 

But I also feel tremendously guilty because he's forgiven me TWICE for cheating on him and still loves me deeply. He's been my world for a long, long time and it's terrifying to contemplate leaving it.

 

Forgiveness should be given freely and does not require payment. He forgave you because he wanted to. To stay with him simply because he's capable of forgiving you for your actions would be more damaging to him in the long run than leaving him so that he can find someone that will treat him the way he (and you) should be treated in a relationship. How is he your world when you don't even love him? You need to be honest with yourself. Why do you want him in your life? And how is your need a positive influence on him?

 

His friends have become my friends, his family all know and love me, and I'm very entangled... there's a lot to lose: history, compatibility...

 

You're not in a relationship with your friends or his family. Do you think it'd be beneficial to anyone for you to live a lie with him simply because you're "entangled" with his life? History is something you don't lose. It's always there and you'll always remember it. Compatibility? You're not in love with him and you don't even know if you respect him. How can you consider someone you can't respect compatible with you? He's so incompatible you've cheated on him twice already.

 

And perhaps he can GIVE me all this stuff that I know that I need now... who knows?

 

You've been together ten years and you're still unsure if he can give you what you need?

 

So my questions are: 1) Have I screwed up my relationship with my original boyfriend enough to make it unsalvage-able?

 

It seems that it's up to you. He has made it clear that he wants to make it work, but you are the one with a lot of hesitation and issues with the relationship. Why do you want to salvage something that disappeared a long time ago?

 

2) How do I figure out what I want and how I feel? The guilt makes it nearly impossible. This has been so confusing...

 

You have cheated for a reason. You cheated because you are in a relationship that does not meet your needs. Haven't you already decided what you want and this relationship isn't it? When you cheated you demonstrated that this relationship is not a priority to you. That you are not truly invested in this relationship, but merely passing time with it because you are too afraid to deal with the reality that you will have to break someone's heart in order to do what is right. You are too afraid to take a chance and be alone that you'd rather pass time with someone that's convenient rather than take a risk.

 

3) Is it stupid to forsake my whole world to pursue the promise of a relationship with "the other guy"?

 

Haven't you already forsaken your world when you decided to have two affairs? Are you sure you're not looking for a reason to leave? Have you ever thought it'd just be so much easier if he would just get angry at you and end the relationship? Wouldn't it just be easier if he would make the decision so that you didn't have to do this on your own?

 

What's unfair is that you aren't being accountable for your actions. It's time you took responsibility for your life. You don't love him. You love someone else. You've disrespected him twice by having two affairs. And when you leave you're going to break his heart.

 

It's a tough thing to experience. Many of us have broken someone's heart. In the long run it's better to hurt him quickly so he can move on than to deprive him of something that's real and honest because you're too afraid to take on the role you've created for yourself.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

While I feel very bad for your current BF of 9 years, I have to agree 100% with the comments made by Pocky so far. You deserve a relationship with someone who will fill your needs, whatever those needs are. He deserves someone who will actually be happy with him, and who will not cheat on him for whatever reason. It's sad when long-term relationships end, because there is often a lot of shared history, but guilt is never a good reason to stay.

[Cecelius]

I think you probably have screwed up the one relationship, even if your b/f doesn't realize it. Frankly, he sounds like he's so chock full of issues that he really has no self respect, else he would get out of this relationship.

 

I also think (without saying the cheating is okay) that you've been through a ton from a very early age with the b/f and should mostly chalk the cheating up to experiences that most people would have had had they not been bound to a non-traditional relationship.

 

I think you should leave the existing b/f. Whether the new guy is the right guy since he is in some sense the product of cheating is another issue, but you're put in your time with the old guy and you don't need to be his caretaker for life.