My fiancee has an untold child back in 2003

[amandapanda123]

My fiancee and I have been together for almost 3 years now and w’ere planning to get married later this year. I love him so much and I know deep inside of me that he is the one. That I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

 

Until the day that I arrived to his place.. to our house I found out something that was very unexpected. Days later we had a dinner with this family. After the dinner, his brother asked if they could look at their old old photos so my f went to our room and get the box that’s full of old memories. While looking at those pictures and laughing with them, I suddenly came across to a one file that’s full of a baby pics on it. I had a very unexplainable feeling.. I was shocked and feel like the world stop for awhile. Out of my curiosity and a bad feeling about the pictures I ask them who was it, who is the baby in the picture with her mom but no one wants to answer me. They were just looking at each other (f and his brother) and were very speechless. Don’t know what to do. But I keep asking and asking but still they didn’t answer me. But I insisted to know the truth then his brother answered “That’s my baby” but I knew he was lying. I knew he was just protecting something. Then I said no you’re a liar. Later on my f finally speak up. He said he doesn’t know if it’s his child or not. And he said that was 15 years ago. So I run into our bedroom and cried. I was hurt, furious, mad, disappointed. I want to slap him but I never did. I was dying inside.

 

But instead of him asking for forgiveness, he was even more furious because I insisted to know the truth of his past. For me it’s a big deal. We are almost getting married but I never know that he wasn’t true to me all this years. I don’t know if I could ever trust him again. I am now undecided to marry him. But I still love him

 

Is it my fault that I’ve discovered the truth? I need help. I don’t know what to do now. Can someone kill me now???? Please. I need some good advice that could help me cope up with this situation.

[S2B]

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

I couldn't be with any man that kept secrets like that from me. There's no relationship when there's no trust!

 

And the fact that he hasn't been a significant part of this child's life all these years? No way would I EVER be with him! Ever!

 

This Is a big deal and I hope you see it's a big thing to consider if you plan to marry him.

[losangelena]

One of my parents' best friends had fathered a child about ten years before he met his now-wife. The kid was in a different country, so he wasn't involved in the child's life, and her never told his wife and their kids, friends, etc about the illegitimate son. Years later, like 30 or 40 years, his son came out of the woodwork, wanting to connect. It was then that he finally confessed what had happened, and he and his son, though they're not close, are still in contact, and his wife and their family forgave him for keeping it a secret for so long.

 

What I'm saying is that, people are guilty of a lot of shady s***. I get that hearing a bomb like that get dropped from your fiancée is different that your husband of 30-40 years, but for me, I would not act out of the immediate shock of finding out. Give yourself time to process and grieve and then figure out next steps. It's all too raw to decide on right now.

[RySant]

Keeping secrets is a major deal-breaker to me in a marriage. And the fact that he didn't made an effort to know if it was his child or not, makes it all the more concerning.

 

My advice: Calm down, take a deep breath, and ask yourself:

 

- If he (and his family) can connive with each other to keep secrets like this, what will happen if there will be future mistakes that your husband will make? Of course, they'll keep it a secret to you! The fact that they didn't even care if this child is his or not, that's a major, MAJOR red flag.

 

- His reaction to the baby's paternity speaks a LOT about his morals and values in regards to family. Feelings aside, can you be with a man like this? Remember: Feelings come and go, there will be a time that you'll see him without the fluffy feelings. Will you still like what you'll see?

 

Marriage is a very big step. So, think and decide without involving your feelings and make a very sound judgement. I know you've been with him 3 years. But 3 years is a very long time for him not to disclose something like this.

 

Having a kid is actually not the issue, it's the non-disclosure that is very disconcerting.

 

Good luck!

[amandapanda123]

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

I couldn't be with any man that kept secrets like that from me. There's no relationship when there's no trust!

 

And the fact that he hasn't been a significant part of this child's life all these years? No way would I EVER be with him! Ever!

 

This Is a big deal and I hope you see it's a big thing to consider if you plan to marry him.

 

I am so confused right now Thanks for your advise

[amandapanda123]

Keeping secrets is a major deal-breaker to me in a marriage. And the fact that he didn't made an effort to know if it was his child or not, makes it all the more concerning.

 

My advice: Calm down, take a deep breath, and ask yourself:

 

- If he (and his family) can connive with each other to keep secrets like this, what will happen if there will be future mistakes that your husband will make? Of course, they'll keep it a secret to you! The fact that they didn't even care if this child is his or not, that's a major, MAJOR red flag.

 

- His reaction to the baby's paternity speaks a LOT about his morals and values in regards to family. Feelings aside, can you be with a man like this? Remember: Feelings come and go, there will be a time that you'll see him without the fluffy feelings. Will you still like what you'll see?

 

Marriage is a very big step. So, think and decide without involving your feelings and make a very sound judgement. I know you've been with him 3 years. But 3 years is a very long time for him not to disclose something like this.

 

Having a kid is actually not the issue, it's the non-disclosure that is very disconcerting.

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you for enlightening me. :'(

[amandapanda123]

One of my parents' best friends had fathered a child about ten years before he met his now-wife. The kid was in a different country, so he wasn't involved in the child's life, and her never told his wife and their kids, friends, etc about the illegitimate son. Years later, like 30 or 40 years, his son came out of the woodwork, wanting to connect. It was then that he finally confessed what had happened, and he and his son, though they're not close, are still in contact, and his wife and their family forgave him for keeping it a secret for so long.

 

What I'm saying is that, people are guilty of a lot of shady s***. I get that hearing a bomb like that get dropped from your fiancée is different that your husband of 30-40 years, but for me, I would not act out of the immediate shock of finding out. Give yourself time to process and grieve and then figure out next steps. It's all too raw to decide on right now.

 

Very much the same. I know that one day that child will come up. That's for sure. Lucky I did found it out early.

[RySant]

Very much the same. I know that one day that child will come up. That's for sure. Lucky I did found it out early.

 

In general, do you have problems if your partner has a child from another woman?

[Space Ritual]

My fiancee and I have been together for almost 3 years now and w’ere planning to get married later this year. I love him so much and I know deep inside of me that he is the one. That I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

 

Until the day that I arrived to his place.. to our house I found out something that was very unexpected. Days later we had a dinner with this family. After the dinner, his brother asked if they could look at their old old photos so my f went to our room and get the box that’s full of old memories. While looking at those pictures and laughing with them, I suddenly came across to a one file that’s full of a baby pics on it. I had a very unexplainable feeling.. I was shocked and feel like the world stop for awhile. Out of my curiosity and a bad feeling about the pictures I ask them who was it, who is the baby in the picture with her mom but no one wants to answer me. They were just looking at each other (f and his brother) and were very speechless. Don’t know what to do. But I keep asking and asking but still they didn’t answer me. But I insisted to know the truth then his brother answered “That’s my baby” but I knew he was lying. I knew he was just protecting something. Then I said no you’re a liar. Later on my f finally speak up. He said he doesn’t know if it’s his child or not. And he said that was 15 years ago. So I run into our bedroom and cried. I was hurt, furious, mad, disappointed. I want to slap him but I never did. I was dying inside.

 

But instead of him asking for forgiveness, he was even more furious because I insisted to know the truth of his past. For me it’s a big deal. We are almost getting married but I never know that he wasn’t true to me all this years. I don’t know if I could ever trust him again. I am now undecided to marry him. But I still love him

 

Is it my fault that I’ve discovered the truth? I need help. I don’t know what to do now. Can someone kill me now???? Please. I need some good advice that could help me cope up with this situation.

 

Amanda, you have done NOTHING wrong. Not one single thing. Anyone would be crushed to have to discover this news the way you did.

 

 

Wow that is a pretty large thing for a fiance to leave out.

 

Very sorry that this is happening. I know your head must be spinning. So just take a deep breath, as you will be fine either way.

 

 

I think you have just discovered 3 things. 1. Your fiance has a child you did not know about 2. The fact that he kept such a secret from you is very indicative of what type of person you are engaged to. If he was willing to keep this from you and have a family member lie for him, you should probably understand that he would be more than happy to lie to some other girl that he is engaged. Or any number of situations where he could lie would be a safe bet that he would.

 

Sadly I think this whole episode says a lot about this man as a potential husband. A lie is a lie is a lie. Especially one this huge. Also for him to be furious at you for demanding an answer shows that he will throw anyone under the bus to save his own skin in any situation. Where I come from that's known as a Weasel.

 

I think you probably need to weigh the cost/benefit ratio of marrying this man. I would not be surprised if there are more skeletons in his closet that you don't know about. You thought he was the one? As a matter of fact you are discovering you don't know him at all. Be forewarned that you can escape building an uncertain future with somebody based on lies if you act now and see your own self worth.

 

Jerry Springer's producers would probably have a Sweeps Week appearance waiting for you in Connecticut with airfare and a 2 night stay at the Fireproof Hotel should you decide to go through with the wedding. I urge you to have the common sense to walk away from this guy now before something happens like you getting pregnant with his child, and end up on the set of a TV taping.

 

Putting any wedding plans on on the shelf and running from this Weasel would be a very prudent first step.

 

I am very sorry, but marrying this man would probably have disastrous consequences in the future.

[amandapanda123]

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

I couldn't be with any man that kept secrets like that from me. There's no relationship when there's no trust!

 

And the fact that he hasn't been a significant part of this child's life all these years? No way would I EVER be with him! Ever!

 

This Is a big deal and I hope you see it's a big thing to consider if you plan to marry him.

 

No I would've not mind it if I had known it before.. Like if he didn't keep any secrets like this. I would've accepted it.

[basil67]

Hang on, he doesn't know if it's his child. It may not be his child!

 

Has the mother ever pushed for genetic testing? Does he pay child support? If not, it probably not his kid.

[amandapanda123]

In general, do you have problems if your partner has a child from another woman?

 

No I would've not mind it if I've known it before. If he didn't keep any secrets like this.

[amandapanda123]

Hang on, he doesn't know if it's his child. It may not be his child!

 

Has the mother ever pushed for genetic testing? Does he pay child support? If not, it probably not his kid.

 

He never supported the child cuz he always says that it's not his child.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry, that is a dealbreaker for me. I wouldn't stay with this man at all.

 

But your post says something about your mindset: why do you even need to question if this is somehow your fault? His reaction says a lot too. Is he generally a jerk like that?

 

Anyway, you need to leave him. He and his family are liars.

[WaitingForBardot]

...

Give yourself time to process and grieve and then figure out next steps. It's all too raw to decide on right now.

I understand that this is a big deal and I would be very disappointed myself, but I strongly agree with losangelena's advice. Even if you're going to end up leaving him, at least give yourself time to process before making that decision.

[PegNosePete]

He never supported the child cuz he always says that it's not his child.

Then why does he have all these photos?

 

Something doesn't add up here. His actions don't match his words. That is never a good sign.

[Art_Critic]

Then why does he have all these photos?

 

Something doesn't add up here. His actions don't match his words. That is never a good sign.

 

 

PNP is right... there is more cover up going on..

[S2B]

No I would've not mind it if I had known it before.. Like if he didn't keep any secrets like this. I would've accepted it.

 

But now you know.

 

What's your plan from here moving forward?

[elaine567]

Seems to me a file full of baby pics means the baby is most likely his.

How old was he when he fathered the child?

If this was a teenage pregnancy then the families may have engineered it so that he was not held financially responsible or the mother of the baby, or the mother's family may have not wanted him involved either.

However if he was 30 and an adult when the baby was born, then that is a different matter.

[dreamingoftigers]

I would not go any further with this man at all.

 

Unbelievable that he kept it from you to begin with, denied the child without a paternity test and abandoned him, then went on to lie about it and even have his brother cover.

 

Then for the icing on the cake is raging at you for finding out and wanting the truth.

 

That's the kind of man he is. He drops very obvious responsibility, lies, covers and manipulates others when the mask slips. Then lashes out when he's exposed.

 

My husband had a child at 17 with a woman that openly said she never wanted children and had purposely had her tubes tied. (I heard this from the source). She said very clearly she just wanted a baby and just wanted the father to be out of the way. She got her wish.

 

I was never really "comfortable" with it, but my husband sure didn't hide it. It would have been an absolute deal-breaker if he did.

 

I think what your fiance did all the ways around is disgusting. I think you are in for a life of misery if you go further with him. He is clearly not honest, responsible or compassionate regarding his parental and relational responsibilities.

[amandapanda123]

But now you know.

 

What's your plan from here moving forward?

 

I really don't know what to do yet. He doesn't even want to talk about it.

[amandapanda123]

Seems to me a file full of baby pics means the baby is most likely his.

How old was he when he fathered the child?

If this was a teenage pregnancy then the families may have engineered it so that he was not held financially responsible or the mother of the baby, or the mother's family may have not wanted him involved either.

However if he was 30 and an adult when the baby was born, then that is a different matter.

He was around 17 or 18 when that happened

[amandapanda123]

Then why does he have all these photos?

 

Something doesn't add up here. His actions don't match his words. That is never a good sign.

 

That was my question too. ????

[CarrieT]

He says he doesn't know if it is his or not? And it happened when he was a teenager?

 

Well, now he is an adult - so why hasn't he demanded a paternity test?

 

The fact that he doesn't want to talk about it is bad - really bad. What other problems will arise in your relationship will he not want to talk about?

 

It sounds like he hasn't even grown up yet and is trying to pretend that it doesn't exist. Shame on him....

[Gaeta]

He never supported the child cuz he always says that it's not his child.

 

 

This is a huge red flag.

 

When I met my ex-husband he also had a child at 18. At the time him and I married the little girl was around 9 years old. Although he was visiting her he never paid child support and he always said he was not sure she was his. His excuse.

 

That was the red flag I should have seen.

 

Fast forward 15 years. When we got divorced we had a 13 yo of our own. He continued being a father to her but he never ever paid me child support.

 

Think long and hard before making babies with this man.