Should I give her a second chance?

[daniel30010]

I met this girl two, almost three months ago. we started seeing each other, took things slow, decided after a month to be in an official relationship. I said from the get go, I don't want you talking to other guys at all, she said okay she told me she had one friend who was a guy, lived overseas and sent me a photo of one of there convos asking if it was okay. There was no flirting(it was a very tame photo), to me he seemed unnatractive and lived overseas, I figured they were just friends. I said it was okay, but I don't want you two flirting with each other, aka no calling each other attractive or compliments on looks, no xoxoxox or talking about sex etc.

 

I continued to date her, she sent me lots of screen shots of guys who texted her, her either ignoring them, telling them she had a bf or having a brief convo with them and ending it(obviously only the screenshots where she had done nothing wrong mind you.). All was great, she was building trust etc. I fell in love with her, she fell in love with me, we talk every single day. We both encourage, support, compliment and appreciate each other. She bought me a back pack and a beanie. She works 6 days a week and studies, I study, don't work(I only lived in this city for 4 months now) but I have savings, drive a mercedes, and run an online business. I am 23, she is 20. I have been in four relationships and slept with over 30 women. This is the happiest relationship I have ever been in. We are both in the top 2% of maths (hers was in Indonesia, mine was in Victoria in Australia) in year 12, we both have same interests, we both work hard and have similar goals. I had never found a more perfect match or so I thought.

I met her parents today. Shortly afterworlds she showed me her messages to prove she was not talking to other guys, she wasn't it was fine, then I asked to see her Facebook messages.

 

First, her passion is swimming. There was a guy who swims competitively, she was talking to him whilst seeing me. He invited her for a coffee, she said okay then he asked for her phone number, she gave it to him and she added him on KIK. She messaged him first once, he sent her a pic and she complimented him on his looks after he sent her a pic. The last few messages she didn't reply to, she also deleted KIK already. Also I am unsure if this was while we were in an official relationship, it was most likely at the beginning of the official relationship(id already told her at the very beginning though I wasn't going to date her if she was seeing other guys). She claims she was prepared to go for a coffee because he was going to give her a swimming cap, but they never ended up catching up. If I had to guess id say he was attractive to women.

 

Now heres the real problem. The so called friend who she has been friends with for about a year was calling her cute, she was calling him cute, hot etc. they say "hugs and kisses" "lots of kisses" "lots of hugs" to each other all the time, he sends her topless selfies (he's scrawny as hell with long hair and glasses, very geeky looking) and she calls him hot. He sends her pics all the time, she sends him pics of her face all the time, and he encourages and supports her as well. I told her all of the above except the encouraging and support was wrong and she did it anyway. He messages her everyday, calls her etc. We both agreed i could check her messages whenever I wanted previously however i never did until she showed me today. When I tried to read these messages she snatched the phone off me. I skimmed through most of them, saw things that were wrong, she kept snatching the phone off me and saying no when I asked for it back, but then eventually let me look again. I skimmed through all the messages but then she deleted the conversation before id actually read it. She then blocked both of the guys.

 

I asked her why she was going for a coffee, she said to get a swimming cap, i said I didn't believe her and she actually smiled, she said that's good. I still do not understand why, I said what because I am right and she said something like I know the truth that's the truth. i asked her to deactivate Facebook and delete all the applications and she did (I don't have Facebook mind you). She told me she doesn't see the 1 year friend as a guy, she knew it was wrong but she doesn't see him as a guy and didn't think there was anything to it, even though she knew it was wrong. She told me she never told him she had a boyfriend either which is very odd to me. It appears as if she has spoken to him less in the passed few weeks however she still spoke to him recently, just less and they still say lots of xox's. she did say she would stop talking to him once but I figured they were friends so I said you still can.

 

I am going away for 2-3 months in one months time. Should I give her a second chance? I warned her if she did that I would dump her multiple times already.

[daniel30010]

Also i did ask her multiple times if she was talking to any other guys and she lied (the swimming guy who she gave her number).

[Clay]

No you don't. She is clearly cheating. Walk away.

 

C

[SoulStorm]

When you see that many red flags it's time to disqualify this person as someone who would play by the rules of a committed relationship.

 

That's disrespectful, dishonest and delinquent to be chatting or possibly meeting with guys and you two are thinking about marriage. Well maybe you are thinking about it more than she is because her action show nothing of commitment

[smackie9]

Also i did ask her multiple times if she was talking to any other guys and she lied (the swimming guy who she gave her number).

Well then what more do you need to prove she is cheating and lying???

[daniel30010]

Update:

 

I think the swimming guy, she gave him her number and was considering meeting up with him was pretty much before we got serious/I asked her not to talk to other guys. I can tell from her face when I ask her that she has never met up with him, I can read her lies a mile away. The lie she did tell was that she was meeting up with him for swimming caps, she admitted this because I could tell and asked her a serious of question till she slipped up. this was before I told her not to talk to other guys and weeks before we were in an official relationship. I believe this is the truth because like I said I can spot a lie a mile away.

 

Now, the guy who was supposedly her friend, I said it was okay at first but I told her not to call him attractive or send him xoxox's etc. She continued doing that at first, she knew him for two years however, before she was even sexually active or had even had a boyfriend before. he lives overseas, never came to this country and they have never seen each other. She still claims she didn't see him as a guy but I don't believe that, however he has never had a girlfriend, he's geeky, long hair, skinny, with glasses and when he sent her topless pics she said he they were hot but she says she didn't mean that, honestly she couldn't possibly have meant that, I have a fit body, tattoos, a far more attractive face etc. She says they have never spoken about sex at all, they have spoken about kisses and hugs though, she does say that to most of her female friends but it is still wrong and she knew that. Idk whether I believe they have never spoken about sex, at first it seemed like she might be lying, then it seemed like maybe not, who knows tbh. I doubt she has while she was with me but idk.

 

She has had 3 boyfriends before me, the first one, she told the guy and he didn't talk to her for the whole relationship(8 months) but her bf treated her like ****, and dumped her straight after taking her virginity (after 8 months dating). She went through depression which I already knew, this guy helped her through so she says. her next two boyfriends, she never told the guy she had a bf but she didn't trust them or think they were serious, she never said she loved them and they never asked her if she was talking to other guys or cared, I don't even think they were official tbh, so she talked to him while she was dating those guys but they weren't serious ever I believe (she's told me this before, at least one of them was never official, the other one I know she was the one who broke it off and she said she dated the guy cause she was lonely and depressed and never loved him). Finally, we have been official a grand total of 6 weeks. She told me 2-3 weeks ago she would stop talking to him but I said you can talk to him because I didn't see him as a threat(she wasn't talking to him at the time because of her exams at all but he was texting her a lot, she didn't reply to most which is true.). She claims she tried to stop it with him and stopped replying most of the time because she knew it was wrong, which is true from her texts, she'd reply but rarely. I don't think she was technically lying when she said she wasn't talking to other guys, like it would be a conversation of a grand total of 5 messages max mainly from the other dude and she would normally say she has a bf, be cold to him or say she has to go and not text him again.

 

Finally, she blocked the guy, blocked the other guy, has agreed not to do any social networking, and agreed to let me install an invisible bug on her screen which will upload all of her messages, internet history etc etc to a computer where I can check up on it wherever I want. I told her we would need to do this if I take her back at least for a few months. I would also like to add I am the only guy she ever introduced to her parents, which was last night.

 

Okay, all this in mind, do I take her back? Guaranteed she has never met up with anyone else, I can tell she is telling the truth, guaranteed we weren't official when she did give that guy her number, most probably it was before I had even told her she could only see me if we keep seeing each other, guaranteed she stopped replying to him as of recently, guaranteed the last message she sent him three weeks ago was pretty much a good bye good luck thing. guaranteed I will be able to see all of her phone activity starting in the next week for as long as I want from now on (she doesn't have her own laptop) and she will delete all social networking. We have been official for 6 weeks, she was definitely not replying to her "friend" in America's messages MUCH as of recent. I don't think she was as flirty with him either. What do you guys think, does she deserve a second chance?

Edited November 4, 2015 by daniel30010

[daniel30010]

Also id like to add, not one of these mother****ers got game like me.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Finally, she blocked the guy, blocked the other guy, has agreed not to do any social networking, and agreed to let me install an invisible bug on her screen which will upload all of her messages, internet history etc etc to a computer where I can check up on it wherever I want.

 

Are you her boyfriend, or are you trying to be her prison guard?

Do you honestly feel this is the way from which a relationship can restart?

Do you feel that this is the only way you can have a relationship between you two?

Personally, I'd find it quite exhausting to have to babysit too.

[daniel30010]

thanks for the input btw everybody, please read the new information and then decide

[daniel30010]

Are you her boyfriend, or are you trying to be her prison guard?

Do you honestly feel this is the way from which a relationship can restart?

Do you feel that this is the only way you can have a relationship between you two?

Personally, I'd find it quite exhausting to have to babysit too.

 

I believe Facebook ruins relationships. The average relationship lasts less then half what it did before social networking. It has been statistically proven that more then half of the brake ups state Facebook as one of the main causes of the failed relationship. I personally don't use Facebook because it is a waste of time.

Also, I will be 1400 km's away for 2-3 months, starting a month from now, I will have no way of knowing if she's up to anything from that far away. I basically said the app on her phone would be necessary for at least a couple of months, mainly because that will be how long it is until I get back.

Edited November 4, 2015 by daniel30010

[daniel30010]

Are you her boyfriend, or are you trying to be her prison guard?

Do you honestly feel this is the way from which a relationship can restart?

Do you feel that this is the only way you can have a relationship between you two?

Personally, I'd find it quite exhausting to have to babysit too.

 

I believe this is the only way I can take her back and build trust with her from the other side of the country, just until I get back. I had never checked her messages until yesterday btw, or monitored her or anything mind you. Also id like to say again, this is the happiest relationship that she or I have ever been in. She has told me multiple times the two months since she met me where the happiest she's ever been in her life. It is certainly the happiest a woman had ever made me until yesterday.

[daniel30010]

I will likely check like once a month if I take her back but she won't be able to delete anything and I can check from the other side of the country. + We both won't do social networking (it's lame, unatural and ruins relationships anyway, our grandparents with there life long relationships never did it), plus she works 6 days a week and studies full time and we talk every day so far so staying in contact with her in her free time is basically the norm anyway so I will probably be talking to her in nearly all of her free time. Also, she has a 9:30 pm curfew (never been to a club before lol). That is if I take her back.

 

Should I take her back?

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I will likely check like once a month if I take her back but she won't be able to delete anything and I can check from the other side of the country. + We both won't do social networking (it's lame, unatural and ruins relationships anyway, our grandparents with there life long relationships never did it), plus she works 6 days a week and studies full time and we talk every day so far so staying in contact with her in her free time is basically the norm anyway so I will probably be talking to her in nearly all of her free time. Also, she has a 9:30 pm curfew (never been to a club before lol). That is if I take her back.

 

Should I take her back?

 

No. Leave this woman alone. My personal opinion.

 

However, this is a relationship between you too, and if you feel it is strong,

If you both like it, who are we to tell you that how you're doing it is wrong?

[daniel30010]

any1 else?

[hippychick3]

You seriously need help. Your controlling behavior will never allow you to have a normal, healthy relationship with someone. Let her go and work on your own issues so you don't have to dictate who your girlfriend's talk to or monitor their phones.

[daniel30010]

You seriously need help. Your controlling behavior will never allow you to have a normal, healthy relationship with someone. Let her go and work on your own issues so you don't have to dictate who your girlfriend's talk to or monitor their phones.

 

First of all, that "controlling" behaviour, has only even been suggested since what happened last night. This is a result of her braking my trust and the only way I can build trust with her is to know she's not doing the same thing again if I did give her a second chance. This is not me as a default, I was not like that before.

Edited November 4, 2015 by daniel30010

[JS84]

Dude are you for real? If you have to go through all of that, and you're not even married and have no kids with her, walk away. Especially if your relationship is about to be long distance for several months. The woman is most likely cheating on you or at the very least is in a prime position to do so. And there's pretty much nothing you can do about it.

[daniel30010]

You seriously need help. Your controlling behavior will never allow you to have a normal, healthy relationship with someone. Let her go and work on your own issues so you don't have to dictate who your girlfriend's talk to or monitor their phones.

 

Id just like to say to everyone I am giving her a second chance. Yes I will be sticking to those rules because it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that I will not be able to build trust with her from scratch from another state without some kind of monitoring despite what little miss feminist left wing hippy over here thinks, who I bet preaches humanitarian rights and love in the world and then makes rude, unjust, uncalled for, incorrect and cruel remarks to a man who has clearly just had his heart broken and is looking for advice.

 

Basically we are going to start from scratch, take things slow, not rush the feelings, she will be completely honest this time from the start or she will lose me and if things go sour again I am gone. As far as I am concerned I am only just meeting the real her now. Over time if trust builds she will begin to earn her privacy I suppose. I don't care, if it goes sour I will be fine I will just move on. If it doesn't go sour though I know with the complete openness and honesty this relationship will only be stronger then the last.

 

Thanks everyone for the advice but I do not want to leave this relationship just yet and I believe she can and will change. **** who cares, I will more then likely get hurt again anyway, may as well try and stay happy for the time being.

[daniel30010]

Dude are you for real? If you have to go through all of that, and you're not even married and have no kids with her, walk away. Especially if your relationship is about to be long distance for several months. The woman is most likely cheating on you or at the very least is in a prime position to do so. And there's pretty much nothing you can do about it.

 

Nah, she has never physically cheated on me, she is the worst liar in the world. She works 60 hours a week, studies full time and has a 9:30 pm curfew she is in a terrible position to do so. We talk 100% of her free time, the relationship was very happy and I honestly believe she was talking to the other guy less and less because we were so happy, she wouldn't want to cheat just like me. Also I am 90% sure if she met up with the friend from America there is no way she would have had sex with him. None of her exes were that unattractive. It was wrong because we agreed it was wrong to talk like that with another man. I don't think there was any sexual feelings or physical attraction. Just someone who she'd talked to for the passed two years online.

[daniel30010]

Anyways I am out people, thanks for the advice.

[Darren Steez]

Also id like to add, not one of these mother****ers got game like me.

For someone with so much "game" you sure ask alot of questions, especially when other dudes are "gaming" your chick.

 

Walk away gamer. Plenty of other chicks to run your game tight game on.

[Glitters]

She is best left alone,for her sake

[Poutrew]

She likes the attention these other men give her. It validates her femininity. Seriously, do you really think the app you installed will keep her from communicating with her men? Especially since she knows about it? She can simply use another computer, even a cheap one she can get at Walmart, to continue her activities along with a fake facebook account you know nothing about. As long as she gets rid of the burner computer before you get back, she has nothing to worry about. Now, if you are rich enough, you can hire a PI to keep tabs on her and report to you , but from another country the tab for that will be horrendous. In short, there's really nothing you can do to stop her from doing what she wants. Sorry, kiddo, but you be outta luck. Keep her, drop her, just recognize the consequences of either action on yourself and do what's good for you.