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I'm obsessed over his past...asking for help, advice!


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Old 21st January 2005, 2:41 PM   #1
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Unhappy I'm obsessed over his past...asking for help, advice!

Please help.

I’ve been with “Sam” for 5 months now - quite a short time for a couple to move in together and save for a house. We talk about our future all the time. And I’ve never been this happy with someone.

The problem?

A couple weeks ago I was browsing the internet and stumbled upon “Sam’s” old online journal he generated with his ex of over 2 years. To be bloody honest I got very envious of what they had, how much they loved each other even though distance separated them. In turn I started subconsciously comparing things he said or did for me with what I remembered from the online journal. I’m starting to feel like this is a sickness or disorder with me cause now I’m so concerned about his past with her instead of what we have now. I suppress it as much as I can but he’ll sometimes reference her and then BOOM! I’m back to thinking about that online journal. I honestly wish I never read it or even searched. The thing is that “Sam” knows about my findings and he assured me that there’s no feelings for her anymore, that they broke up on bad terms, that he doesn’t’ even remember the journal, and that he wants to be with me. I’m sure this whole messy, sick issue is my fault cause I was being nosy. Am I being stupid? Why can’t I just let it go and move on? Sometimes I still feel insecure…like she’ll come back into the picture and he’d leave undoubtedly.

Any thoughts? Advice?
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Old 21st January 2005, 2:54 PM   #2
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You have a past too, right? A serious boyfriend hopefully? If so, you can understand that while they used to share something, they don't anymore.

Quit digging for info. I mean it- stop now. Step away from Google. Now!!

In time you'll forget the details of this online journal, I promise. You just have to quit digging for more and give it time. In a few months it'll be better and you won't cringe when you hear her name, or the name of the band who's concert he said they went to in his journal, etc.
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Old 21st January 2005, 3:13 PM   #3
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I can absolutely understand you. I have kind of similar situation - I do get upset only from hearing name of one particular ex-gf of my current bf. But its not because of something I found like you did but because at the beginning of our relationship he was a bit insensitive and was talking about her a lot. He is talking a lot about everything, therefore about other people and about his past, but this girls has "stucked" in my head.

I mean stop, really, cos this is going to kill you. You will be having this gut feeling all the time if you dont stop. You can also drive him away with your jealousy. You have to admit that he is with you because he chosen to!
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Old 22nd January 2005, 5:50 AM   #4
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Ahh, i had a similar situation with an ex. We had a really comfortable relationship where we discussed our past relationships quite comfortably. I had no problem knowing about his past (though i did get jealous at times, momentarily).. he would bring up his one serious ex before me ALL the time..several times a day, in reference to most things.

It drove me insane, i told him and he was SO upset, he didnt even realise he was doing it. I knew it wasnt because he was still in love with her- because that was not the case at all- i was upset because he had these experiences before me and i was dreading the thought that his experiences with me wouldnt be as good or exciting, worth remembering.

I think in your case maybe it's the same. You keep wondering if this ex gave him something yyou cant- even if he doesnt love her now, he loved her once and you wonder if the way you make him feel now to the way he felt back then is better..?

am i assuming right?
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Old 22nd January 2005, 6:04 AM   #5
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JoL made a very good point. This is really about that you think that somehow his experiences with her HAD TO BE more exciting, worth remembering. It is not the case. You can imagine in your had him having sex with his ex but trust me that their sex was way boring compared to how you imagine it was. Really!

Trust me, the longer you are with him the deeper you set into his mind, replace all the ex-gfs and put them into your shade.

I had the same issue and my trick was try to experience with my bf something unforgettable, unforgettable for him and me also. For example sex in the nature near castle and stuff like this. Its not about that I am using sex as a tool for him to get everybody out of his head - maybe a little bit but it works You have to become unforgettable to him!

Mobilize every kind of female´s weapon that you have and blow his mind away
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Old 24th January 2005, 11:45 AM   #6
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what a relief!

thanks to each and everyone of you for replying to my issue...

you all made excelllent points:
savethedrama thanks for "shaking" me. I do have a past too and I shouldn't have held my boyfriend to that.
very-confused-girl although your name says "confused" I highly doubt that. You shared a similar situation and it made me feel like I wasn't alone in my emotions. And you made an ideal point in making "unforgettable" moments with each other. Thanks!
JoL you hit it right on the head! It wasn't that I was jealous of his ex, I was beating myself within thinking that they shared better moments together and that he was happier or something because of what I read in his online journal.

Thanks for the advice I've been needing. Thanks for listening, reading, and sharing your time in this post. To update a little, "Sam" and I are doing great. We continue to talk to each other about everything and we're constantly reminding each other just how lucky we are to be together. We're still saving for a house and looking forward to our "unforgettable" future.

Hugs,
vectorvixen82 (Dot)
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Old 24th January 2005, 3:40 PM   #7
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I can relate to feelings of jealousy, etc in regards to a bf's past. My current bf was in a five year relationship and they share a son. I do feel uncomfortable when I see or hear her name. But what from my bf has told me, their relationship was pretty chaotic. His family have also confirmed that his ex is pretty messed up. And that she was/is not as devoted to their son as he is/was. I guess I am more jealous that he shared something long term with someone, and I haven't experienced it myself. I come from a string short-lived relationships, and it has been a sore spot in my heart. My exes would leave me feeling inadequate, unattractive, and replaceable. Despite assurances from many many people that I am not any of those traits, it was something I grew to believe.

Anyway, I have been doing journaling exercises, using positive thinking to replace negatives, etc. I do not want to be the jealous, insecure, clingy girlfriend. My bf and I get along great, are devoted to each other, and see a future with each other. It is true that negative thinking and feelings do become a habit. So it is a work in progress for me.
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Old 24th January 2005, 6:03 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally posted by Just Visiting
I guess I am more jealous that he shared something long term with someone, and I haven't experienced it myself. I come from a string short-lived relationships, and it has been a sore spot in my heart. My exes would leave me feeling inadequate, unattractive, and replaceable. Despite assurances from many many people that I am not any of those traits, it was something I grew to believe.
Since I moved from Guam to Arizona 2 years ago, "Sam" is the longest boyfriend I've had out here. Sad but true.

What made it hard for me was that he and his ex were together for 2 and a half years and it was a long distance relationship. To me that made me think that it was more meaningful that they lasted that long despite distances between each other. That was my problem as well.

But when I think about it, I'm more at an advantage. I'm here with him completely. Able to hold him, touch him, look at him, see his gestures and exchange body language.

WHAT WE BOTH HAVE TO DO IS GET OVER IT! HAHAHA! That was their past. We are their NOW. Agreed?! There was a reason why "Sam's" not with his ex anymore and there's a reason why your boyfriend ain't with his either...they've moved on and close that chapter...we should too.

Good luck. And thanks for sharing!
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Old 24th January 2005, 7:21 PM   #9
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think of it this way...

whatever they had couldn't have been so great after all or they wouldn't have broken up...

and then he wouldn't be with you...which he is

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Old 24th January 2005, 9:36 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally posted by GirlDown
think of it this way...

whatever they had couldn't have been so great after all or they wouldn't have broken up...

and then he wouldn't be with you...which he is

Wow...that is another, awesome way to put it! LOL. Thanks everyone! Be strong.
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Old 25th January 2005, 12:13 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally posted by Just Visiting


Wow...that is another, awesome way to put it! LOL. Thanks everyone! Be strong.
you are quite welcome!

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