I had an affair with my boyfriends best friend...Now what?

[NewStart8]

Hi. I'm not sure how to go about this, so I'll just dive in.

I was dating my boyfriend Scott for about 3.5 years when the affair started. We had been dating since I was 19, him 28. We had a great relationship, but we had our issues. He never once met any of my friends, we never spent holidays with the others family, and I didn't have anything more that a toothbrush and phone charger at his place. But I didn't care, I loved him and wanted to be with him more than anything.

In January, we flew out to San Fransisco for New Year's with some of his friends, best friend included. I had no feeling towards the friend at that point, but little did I know, the best friend had been trying to get with me since we met. 2 weeks after the vacation, the best 2 weeks of our relationship, Scott picked a fight with me because I never completed my bachelors degree, and didn't get into a certain program for school. He didn't talk to me for 2 weeks. One night, I went out with friends for a going away party, and one of his friends that was on the trip saw me. I didn't say hi because I wanted to leave the bar and go home. Scott called me and accused me of cheating on him with my friends. We didn't see each other for a week.

When we did finally meet up, he said that he wanted to work on things, but the damage had been done, I had been greatly hurt. Valentine's Day weekend rolls around and his best friend invites me over for a party. I go. He feeds me drinks and we end up at a bar. After a shot, I head to the bathroom, where he follows me and kisses me. We ended up hooking up 3 times over the month, included the night of Scotts birthday. His best friend, I didn't have real feelings for, it was more of a way to escape. I would get ready to go over and my palms would sweat because I was nervous. But once I got there, and drank, it would go away until I would get into my car. Then the guilt set in, and the only way to overcome it was to get my "fix". Scott and I continued to talk and hang out while this was going on, but we never had sex. I couldn't while I was sleeping with his best friend.

He found out from a mutual friend who saw us kissing; a kiss I never wanted to have because the guilt was too much and it was in public.

Scott and I went through a month of shock. He wanted to be with me, but was hurt. Then we jumped back into the relationship, talked about marriage. I thought it was going great until he searched my phone and saw a message from years ago from an ex where I was being a little flirty. He flipped out. Things have deteriorated since. We had about a month of good after the affair. Since then all he calls me is a worthless whore, a dumb cunt, nothing but a warm hole. He spits at me, refuses to see me, goes on dates with other women. But then we spend weekends together, and things are great. Then midnight rolls around on Sunday night and it all goes away. I finally told him that if having sex with someone else would make him get over it faster, if it would get us to a good place. He said he would take a screenshot of the convo, and that was the last I heard from him.

I don't know what to do. I'm doing literally everything I can to be with him. I don't see my friends, I'm spending every dime I make on him, cleaning his entire condo every time I go over. Ive plead with him, gotten on my knees and begged. I want him back desperately because I have seen the good. I have seen what it's like to get past this, if we could only get passed it. I need help.

[Poutrew]

Let's see... you get proactively accused of having an affair and you're hurt. Then you have the affair and with his best friend who secretly wanted to get into your pants, no less. Your BF then goes ape s**t crazy and only keeps you around for sex on weekends. You are sad. Accurate enough?

 

 

There is no problem here. You are not in a relationship any more. Maybe you never were, it is just gonna take you some time to realize it. Really, you need to go NC with both men, and take some personal time examining your own motivations, so your next relationship will not be so dysfunctional and toxic.

[Rephinican]

NewStart8, I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. While my advice might not be what you want to hear, I hope that it is helpful nonetheless.

 

You really hurt Scott when you had an affair with his best friend. That's a double betrayal, and it takes a long time in general to get over cheating. It takes years NewStart8, and it can take even longer-- some people never get over their partner's betrayal. If this relationship is going to have a chance you BOTH need to be willing to reconcile. And that's the problem here: While you yourself are willing to reconcile and doing everything you can to get a second chance, Scott isn't ready to give you that second chance yet. He doesn't want to reconcile NewStart8, and you can't make him.

 

Scott is calling you all these horrible names, making you do all these things for him, making you beg and plead for him because he wants to punish you. He's not ready to forgive you. He's not ready to move on. He's still at the stage where he wants you to hurt in the same way that he hurt when you slept with his best friend. It's a very immature way to act, and it's not okay. Two wrongs don't make a right even if one of those wrongs happened first. He's hurting you in this relationship NewStart8. In fact, he sounds borderline verbally and emotionally abusive towards you right now. This isn't healthy, and it isn't the road to reconciliation or getting back what you once had. In fact you can't go back. What happened in the past happened, and you now have to live with the consequences of your actions. You can only go forward, and as you go forward you ca expect a lot more of this. And quite simply, I don't think this is healthy NewStar8. Scott wants you to hate yourself, to supplicate yourself before him completely and utterly broken-- to punish you for your misbehavior before he even thinks of letting you back in the relationship with him. Does that sound loving NewStar8? I don't think it does.

 

Yes, you made a mistake and yes Scott is entitled to his anger and his emotions but lashing out at you in the way he is doing is sending a clear message that he doesn't want to reconcile. That he doesn't want to heal with you. That he wants to hurt you. And the fact that you are so desperate for his forgiveness shows me that you don't want to hurt in the way you currently do. And the only way to avoid being hurt by Scott right now is to leave him. He's incapable of recovering with you, and he's not going to let you recover with him. This relationship has run its course, and there's nothing you can do to make Scott want to give you a second chance. I'm sorry, but this was likely over the minute you slept with his best friend.

 

All that you can do now is take the punishment that may never end or leave. And take your knowledge with you NewStar8. Understand what cheating can do to your partner and change your actions and yourself as a person so that it never happens again. This relationship is likely over, but your next relationship hasn't even begun yet. Don't make the same mistake twice.

 

-Reph

[ExpatInItaly]

Let's see... you get proactively accused of having an affair and you're hurt. Then you have the affair and with his best friend who secretly wanted to get into your pants, no less. Your BF then goes ape s**t crazy and only keeps you around for sex on weekends. You are sad. Accurate enough?

 

 

There is no problem here. You are not in a relationship any more. Maybe you never were, it is just gonna take you some time to realize it. Really, you need to go NC with both men, and take some personal time examining your own motivations, so your next relationship will not be so dysfunctional and toxic.

 

All of this.

 

OP, this man isn't your boyfriend now. You're his weekend sex.

 

Get both of these men out of your life and do some soul-searching.

[qubist]

i agree with the above, as harsh as this may sound to you but it is is the truth he has tagged you as a slut. he cared about you once and wanted you to finish you school he had you on a high pedestal. then he found out that you were giving sex to his best friend, and how he found out is very important by his other friends, trust me it's a man thing you were put in his entourage as a slut who would give sex to anybody, so he wants to prove to them that he would treat you as you deserve, otherwise he will feel inferior to them.

with that being said he is a victim too who needs to just move on. can your relationship work? maybe, but that's a long shut. either way stop proving to him that you are there just to give out a$$, talk to him admit your mistakes, apologize for them then let him know that you have changed an no longer wants this kind of relationship. go NC with him unless he shows more respect.

work on your self and live your life

[road]

i agree with the above, as harsh as this may sound to you but it is is the truth he has tagged you as a slut. he cared about you once and wanted you to finish you school he had you on a high pedestal. then he found out that you were giving sex to his best friend, and how he found out is very important by his other friends, trust me it's a man thing you were put in his entourage as a slut who would give sex to anybody, so he wants to prove to them that he would treat you as you deserve, otherwise he will feel inferior to them.

with that being said he is a victim too who needs to just move on. can your relationship work? maybe, but that's a long shut. either way stop proving to him that you are there just to give out a$$, talk to him admit your mistakes, apologize for them then let him know that you have changed an no longer wants this kind of relationship. go NC with him unless he shows more respect.

work on your self and live your life

 

 

Yes this relationship is done. Stop sticking a fork into it. It can not be made undone.

 

 

He is not ready to lose face or give up his social circle to keep you in his life.

 

 

You learnt a lesson. An expensive lesson. Do not waste the price you paid by repeating past behavior in the future.

[Chi townD]

Well, what did you expect? Sure, he wasn't boyfriend of the year. But, that doesn't justify sleeping with his best friend. I mean, you slept with this other dude on your boyfriends BIRTHDAY! That tells me you have NO respect for him, so I don't know why you're trying to hang on to this.

 

 

You're hurt because he was calling you names. YOU SLEPT WITH HIS BEST FRIEND!!! Don't you think he's calling you those names to hurt you? Maybe to feel some of the pain that he's feeling?

 

 

Look, if what you wrote is true, then he wasn't that great of a boyfriend to begin with. And his friend isn't a gem either if he'll actively pursue his best friends girlfriend. I agree with the others. Move on, start NC with your (ex?) boyfriend and all of his friends. Start fresh. A "do over" and take care of yourself. You need to fix yourself and figure out why you thought it was a good idea to cheat on ANYONE.

 

 

Sorry, but I think it's time to cut ties with everyone and move on. Start fresh.

[mystikmind2005]

She sounds like she really really wants to know how to fix it.

 

But how do you explain to someone how to catch the beautiful mirage they are chasing? Its a mirage, and cannot be caught.

 

What i can advise the OP is to think about the concept which a Chinese finger puzzle teaches. Sometimes to get the result you want, you have to do the opposite to what your emotions want you to do.

 

Let him go, and mebe,,,, and its a BIG mebe, he will at some point work to try and get you back. If he has to work hard to win you back, then he will value you and you have a chance to make it work.

[Spectre]

You cheated with his best friend. Come on now, you don't really care about this guy. If you did you'd of never in a million years let his best friend touch you, let alone had sex with the friend.

 

You destroyed the relationship. Prior to your cheating it might of been able to be saved via therapy, but now? No, you can't undo sleeping with his friend. You also only stopped because you got caught.

Edited October 16, 2015 by Spectre

[jmiller1991]

I've noticed that many of the posters here, Spectre included, seem to always advise ending it. Regardless of circumstance, this forum seems to have a predominance of people who think the only solution is to admit defeat and move on.

 

The fact that she cheated does not mean that she doesn't love him. We all make mistakes. We're human. You cannot say that she destroyed the relationship when she admits she has done wrong and wants to work it out. In fact, the OP is destroying the relationship by not being able to forgive, understand, work it out, and move on. He's calling her names, spitting at her, etc, and SHE is completely to blame? No, it takes two to tango. She was in the wrong to cheat, but now he is MORE in the wrong because he's being HATEFUL and mean to her about it. He wants her to pay for what she did, and that's not forgiveness nor reconciliation.

 

However, I'm not sure it's a good idea for OP to stay with this guy.

 

Since then all he calls me is a worthless whore, a dumb cunt, nothing but a warm hole. He spits at me, refuses to see me, goes on dates with other women. But then we spend weekends together, and things are great. Then midnight rolls around on Sunday night and it all goes away. I finally told him that if having sex with someone else would make him get over it faster, if it would get us to a good place. He said he would take a screenshot of the convo, and that was the last I heard from him.

OP, you really have to consider leaving this guy. That is really inappropriate on his part, and I wouldn't want to get back with a guy who acted like that towards me. Is he really worth all that? And I think it's crazy for you to consider letting him get revenge as a solution to this. Two wrongs don't make a right. Just because you cheated, that doesn't mean that he has to also, to make it "even", like 'eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth'. The mere idea is barbaric. No, the solution is for him is to either forgive you or move on, not to lash out at you with hatred and malice.

[Spectre]

Yes I advise ending it when one person bangs another. You don't do that to someone you love. Nah, don't trot out the "we are all human" excuse that you see people trot out all the time on this forum. She destroyed the relationship by BANGING HIS BEST FRIEND. He is not destroying it by being unable to forgive her sleeping with his friend.

 

Of course he wants her to pay for what she did. Sounds like stuff deteriorated since he found the old flirty text from a few years ago, which probably ALSO was sent while she was with her boyfriend. Since then he has been dating other women, etc. basically not saying he forgives her. So that is why he is not acting like he forgives because he never did. Sounds like he tried, found the old text, and crap fell apart and he just gave up, but the OP still stuck around to get verbally abused and have sex with him all the while knowing he wanted nothing to do with her but sex. He shouldn't verbally abuse her he should of just gotten rid of her.

 

See that is how I interpreted it..he didn't get verbally abusive until after he found the flirty text. If he was still telling her "I want to be with you" and acting this way yes he is destroying the relationship. As of now the relationship was already destroyed and they tried to put it back together and the flirty text sent him packing, which I'm guessing if the text didn't some other trigger would of. Then he stopped acting like he wanted a relationship.

Edited October 16, 2015 by Spectre

[smackie9]

I've noticed that many of the posters here, Spectre included, seem to always advise ending it. Regardless of circumstance, this forum seems to have a predominance of people who think the only solution is to admit defeat and move on.

 

The fact that she cheated does not mean that she doesn't love him. We all make mistakes. We're human. You cannot say that she destroyed the relationship when she admits she has done wrong and wants to work it out. In fact, the OP is destroying the relationship by not being able to forgive, understand, work it out, and move on. He's calling her names, spitting at her, etc, and SHE is completely to blame? No, it takes two to tango. She was in the wrong to cheat, but now he is MORE in the wrong because he's being HATEFUL and mean to her about it. He wants her to pay for what she did, and that's not forgiveness nor reconciliation.

 

However, I'm not sure it's a good idea for OP to stay with this guy.

 

OP, you really have to consider leaving this guy. That is really inappropriate on his part, and I wouldn't want to get back with a guy who acted like that towards me. Is he really worth all that? And I think it's crazy for you to consider letting him get revenge as a solution to this. Two wrongs don't make a right. Just because you cheated, that doesn't mean that he has to also, to make it "even", like 'eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth'. The mere idea is barbaric. No, the solution is for him is to either forgive you or move on, not to lash out at you with hatred and malice.

This is the most level headed insightful post on this thread, well done jmiller1990.

 

I wish more people on this site would spend time looking at the situation without their personal emotions getting so tied into it all they do is bash/be hateful and negative. It's counter productive and hurtful. The OP and those involved are in pain, feel bad, and are confused....it bad enough that no one needs to get more hurt.

[Clay]

This is the most level headed insightful post on this thread, well done jmiller1990.

 

I wish more people on this site would spend time looking at the situation without their personal emotions getting so tied into it all they do is bash/be hateful and negative. It's counter productive and hurtful. The OP and those involved are in pain, feel bad, and are confused....it bad enough that no one needs to get more hurt.

 

So this is why you just suggest that she gets counseling. Give her advice to help her find out why she did the things she did. Giving her guidance to try to win him back is not going to do either one of them any good. Once he learns the full depth of her betrayal that door will never be opened again.

 

She slept with his best friend on his birthday. That to me has to be a new low.

 

I doubt this would ever work out. I know for me it would not.

 

C

[Rephinican]

I've noticed that many of the posters here, Spectre included, seem to always advise ending it. Regardless of circumstance, this forum seems to have a predominance of people who think the only solution is to admit defeat and move on.

 

The fact that she cheated does not mean that she doesn't love him. We all make mistakes. We're human. You cannot say that she destroyed the relationship when she admits she has done wrong and wants to work it out. In fact, the OP is destroying the relationship by not being able to forgive, understand, work it out, and move on. He's calling her names, spitting at her, etc, and SHE is completely to blame? No, it takes two to tango. She was in the wrong to cheat, but now he is MORE in the wrong because he's being HATEFUL and mean to her about it. He wants her to pay for what she did, and that's not forgiveness nor reconciliation.

 

However, I'm not sure it's a good idea for OP to stay with this guy.

 

OP, you really have to consider leaving this guy. That is really inappropriate on his part, and I wouldn't want to get back with a guy who acted like that towards me. Is he really worth all that? And I think it's crazy for you to consider letting him get revenge as a solution to this. Two wrongs don't make a right. Just because you cheated, that doesn't mean that he has to also, to make it "even", like 'eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth'. The mere idea is barbaric. No, the solution is for him is to either forgive you or move on, not to lash out at you with hatred and malice.

 

I agree with some parts of this, but I think you go a bit too far in condemning her boyfriend's actions when you state they are "worse" than her's. First of all, that is a completely subjective statement: Some people might find the idea of being betrayed by a significant other as "worse" than verbal abuse, spitting, etc. that the OP describes, and others might feel as you do that the boyfriend's actions are unacceptable and thus "worse". Frankly, it's irrelevant whether or not her boyfriend's actions are or are not worse than her actions-- the only think that is relevant is the timing.

 

The OP did something wrong in her relationship when she cheated on her boyfriend. Such an action is occasionally enough to end a relationship outright, and once her boyfriend found out she was at his mercy on whether or not he wanted to continue a relationship with her. You cannot disregard the fact that the OP's bad actions happened first here, but I am not going so far as to state that she "deserves" her boyfriend's treatment because of her actions. I am merely suggesting that her boyfriend's verbal abuse, the spitting, etc. likely came about as a results of (or if you feel that their earlier fight in of itself is evidence of verbal abuse was at the very least strengthened because of) the OP's actions. Does that make it justified? No. No one deserves to be verbally abused, humiliated, and spat on when they try to make amends. Her boyfriend's behavior is quite frankly disgusting and demonstrates a huge degree of immaturity and maliciousness. Does her boyfriend's reaction retroactively excuse or mitigate the wrongness of her earlier cheating? No. What she did would still be just as wrong with or without this negative reaction. Two wrongs do not make a right, but just because some wronged you more recently does not make you an innocent or excuse the fact that you wronged them first. However, this blame game is again not the point.

 

What is the point is that while we cannot change the past, and thus have no ability to change the fact that the OP cheated on her boyfriend and eliminate HER wrongdoing, we do have an ability to change the present and affect the future through out choices. The OP's boyfriend's wrongdoing is occurring in the present, thus all we can advise on is how to deal with this situation. And there are only two ways to successfully deal with this wrongdoing: Somehow advise the OP on a method to get her boyfriend to forgive her, apologize, and stop his continued abuse, or advise the OP to leave the relationship and thus prevent future abuse (and possibly go into counseling to deal with both her initial cheating and the damage caused from the abuse she has already suffered). Based on this understanding, it's not all that difficult to see why most people are recommending an immediate stop to this relationship under these circumstances. Because absolutely no one can advise anything that will bring about the first of the two circumstances that resolves the OP's boyfriend's abuse so everyone instead chooses to remark on the second option.

 

Let's look at an analogy to demonstrate this point. You want to keep going down a certain path, but a break wall blocks your path. You have two options on how to deal with this wall. The first option is to attempt to tear down the wall with your bare hands and smash yourself into it ignoring all physical damage until the wall eventually fell and you were free to progress down the route you initially intended. And your second option is to surrender your desire to continue along the path you were going, turn around, and look for a different path without a brick wall blocking it. Tell me, which of these two options would you choose? Because they are applicable to the OP's situation as a whole. The OP can either continue to weather the storm of her boyfriend's abuse and hurl herself at the wall of his anger until it eventually stops, or she can leave. Nothing else will resolve the situation: there is no middle-path; no compromise in this situation.

 

That all being said, I completely agree with your advice that the OP should leave. She doesn't deserve the treatment she is currently receiving (I tend to think that no human on Earth deserves abuse) and there is no way to stop that treatment if she chooses to stay in this relationship. I also agree that the "eye for an eye" paradigm is probably one of the worst people can choose to follow. Everyone knows the old saying: "An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind" and I think that is fairly well exemplified by this situation. So, even though I may disagree on some elements, I find that everyone's overall position on this issue is actually fairly similar-- especially when it comes to what the OP should currently be doing. I don't think a single person has advised her to stay, and I doubt that any such person will ever emerge.

 

-Reph

[smackie9]

So this is why you just suggest that she gets counseling. Give her advice to help her find out why she did the things she did. Giving her guidance to try to win him back is not going to do either one of them any good. Once he learns the full depth of her betrayal that door will never be opened again.

 

She slept with his best friend on his birthday. That to me has to be a new low.

 

I doubt this would ever work out. I know for me it would not.

 

C

Again casting personal feelings about it. I myself feel the same way as you do BUT that shouldn't matter, it's up to them not us to pick the direction they want to go.

I know couples that went through way worse infidelity and managed to get past it because in their own opinion it was worth it to them. Doesn't matter what others think, it was what they both wanted.

[Spectre]

This is the most level headed insightful post on this thread, well done jmiller1990.

 

I wish more people on this site would spend time looking at the situation without their personal emotions getting so tied into it all they do is bash/be hateful and negative. It's counter productive and hurtful. The OP and those involved are in pain, feel bad, and are confused....it bad enough that no one needs to get more hurt.

 

She banged his best friend, so the post you quoted isn't very level headed. You don't bang a guys friend, period. It's utterly low and if you want to talk counter productive that is counter productive.

 

A person doesn't need to be letting "personal emotions" get tied into it when we are dealing with a girl banging her bf's best friend multiple times.

 

But seriously Smackie you should read the entire post before you applaud what they say. Unless you believe the utterly wrong stuff about "oh, the OP's bf is the one destroying the relationship bla bla". Even you can't believe that nonsense, there is no relationship left to destroy, the OP made sure of that.

Edited October 17, 2015 by Spectre

[smackie9]

Blah blah blah.....

[Spectre]

Well yes I did point out it is damn silly to say the guy is destroying the relationship and blah blah blah. I am thankful you chose to respond in a manner to draw attention to that specific part of my post. Since it really was one of the more insane parts of that "insightful" post.

[sandylee1]

You don't deserve to have another human being spit on you....EVER. That is totally unacceptable and TBH, if I were married, I'd divorce a man who spat at me.

 

He has no more respect for you and you should get out of this arrangement NOW.

 

I'm not condoning your actions. The way I read it, I thought you broke up with him and then got with his friend. I once dated my BFs friend, but it was more complicated than this and in hindsight, I should have never gone there.

 

Scott is not the only guy you can date and he's NEVER going to trust you, so why waste your time with him. Put it down to experience and move on. You don't need to accept his verbal abuse. Just walk away and block him out of your life.

[onemanband]

Ok here is how you fix it . build a time machine go back and dont sleep with best friend

[Clay]

The tragedy is she is so selfish she is still only thinking of herself. This is why she will probably fit the model Once a Cheater always a cheater. If she really cared for him she would leave him alone and go get help for herself. I just blows me away just how cold and ruthless people can be to the people they say they love.

 

C