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Am I to blame? I truly feel bad.

Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 4th October 2015, 12:22 PM   #1
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Am I to blame? I truly feel bad.

Hi there, it's been a while since I've posted here, which is usually a good thing right?

Anyways, the last time I posted, it was about a relationship 4 years ago. And cruelly enough, it's that relationship that is coming back to haunt me today.

I've been in a relationship for 2 years now with a lovely girl. We have a home together, a puppy, life has been great. Let me start to pick up the story regarding the issue here.

A year ago, as I was helping another friend move, I got a frantic phone call from my girlfriend. She had found something in my dresser that made her panic, and immediately suspected me of cheating on her (or at least keeping in touch with my ex). She found a card that my ex had made me on one of my birthdays (about 6 years ago). It was basically a card that talked about all the reasons my ex loved being with me, and it was hand made and very sweet. I kept that card, along with about 6 other cards (not all romantic - a couple were just cards from girls after moving out of residence in first year university, and just some random notes that people would leave on my desk). I just liked having a little bit of my past in my drawer, but I completely understood why it is unnerving to have something in my drawer, especially from a past relationship that took a lot of time to get over.

Without question, I got rid of anything my girlfriend thought was unfair for me to have in my drawer (especially the card from my most recent ex) and I promised her that she was the only one I loved and thought about, no one else. This is completely true. She didn't believe it, and asked to search all my emails, Facebook, texts, etc. because she thought I was keeping in touch with her. I allowed her to, despite feeling like my privacy was being completely violated, but I love this girl so I was more than willing to reassure her if that's what she wanted.

So a few months later, I took a job up in a small town that has a week on/week off rotation. Here's the thing: the ex that my girlfriend is uneasy about, works in that town as well. At this point though, me and the ex are 3 years from breaking up, and I have absolutely no feelings towards her (nothing ill as well). As far as I'm concerned, she's just someone that I used to date and that's all - nothing going forward. My girlfriend was very wary of this, but I reassured her that again, there is nothing between us and if I ever ran into her, I would tell her. I promised her this.

So a month into my job, and some work friends are getting together after work for a beer. I'm told my ex will be there. I panic. Should I go? Should I tell my ex? I was afraid that if I told my girlfriend, she would lose her mind about it. I didn't want her to worry. And this is where I screwed up.

I went out for drinks, had some light conversation with my ex in the course of the few hours I was at the bar, and then came home with my work roomate. I didn't tell my girlfriend that I had seen my ex, I was too afraid to. I didn't tell her, and I've never seen my ex or talked to her since that one night. That was a year ago.

Last night, I got a text from my girlfriend asking why I never told her that I saw her that one time. She found out from her friend who is dating my work roommate. I don't know how it came up, but it did and suffice to say, my girlfriend is incensed and won't even respond to me now. She was supposed to come home today after spending the weekend at her friends' place, but she still isn't home and won't respond to my calls/texts.

I know I broke her trust, but I really just didn't want her to be upset about it, and clearly it's backfired on me terribly. I love this girl, but I'm always afraid of upsetting her because she reacts so strongly. When she's sad, she gets to the point where she is bed-ridden and that's why I didn't want to tell her in the first place because I thought it would trigger something like that (especially when I'm away for the week).

What should I do? I have so much invested in this girl, and I know I'm in the wrong for breaking a promise. I truly meant well though. I just needed to get this story out because I can't focus on anything else.

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Old 4th October 2015, 2:03 PM   #2
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She apparently has her boundaries and you crossed them. Nobody in this thread should discuss her boundaries and they are hers and that is neither wrong nor right.

Knowing her boundaries, you should have turned back and never gone out for a beer because that is now costing you your relationship. You could have seen the guys when your ex is not around. If you knew what it would do to your girlfriend, why did you take a risk? Because you thought your gf would never find out and all will be well. That is on a level of a scared boy, rather than a man who can be responsible for his actions and protect his partner's emotions.

If, instead of going, you called your gf and told her you are on your way back home because you did not want to go where your ex was, you would deepen the connection with your gf.

The signal you are sending your gf is that as long as you think that you will not be caught doing something you will do it. The implications of what you did for your character and your lies are a way worse
than the act itself. She might never trust you again. Breach of trust is a big thing. Even if nothing happened.

If she gives you another chance, make sure that you never repeat anything like this. Share everything, good and bad, feelings, thoughts, events, just as they are, not wrapped in shiny paper... Even if she gets upset about something there will not be any long term consequences and you will strengthen your relationship and she will know she is with honest guy. If you cannot do that, leave her now before you break her into peaces.

You have to have a relationship on agreed terms, and not agree on terms just to please her, and break the deal when you get a chance. That would be dishonest of you.

If you think it is all too much for you, let her go to find someone more compatible. Do not try to convince her that she should not feel the way she feels because every person is different.
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Old 4th October 2015, 2:11 PM   #3
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You said "I truly meant well though".

I have a question for you: for whom exactly did you mean well? For your gf or for yourself or for your buddies from work?

And if you say for your gf, then think again and again... She actually asked you to do just the opposite. You did exactly what she told you not to do and what would hurt her. How is that meaning well for her? Because you were going to hide it? Man, if you knew how much potential a dumb thing like this has to break the relationship from within, not maybe right away but eventually...

Lying is always meant to protect the liar.

Think about the real WHY and be HONEST first of all with yourself!
Stop BSing yourself at least. Stop with the 'I meant well' BS - if nothing so far did that is going to make her hate you even more. You will come out as if you are gas-lighting her and it is a form of mental abuse.

Were you perhaps a bit curious about seeing your ex (and I don't mean for romantic reasons, but just)? Was it just going to be such a great night that you could not resist?
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Old 4th October 2015, 3:26 PM   #4
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If the roles were reversed and it was her ex people would be quick to say you were being controlling.

Sure you should have told her your ex was there but don't blame you for not mentioning it given her likely reaction. My advise in future would be to be completely open with her but to stand your ground and not give in to her controlling behaviour.
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Old 4th October 2015, 3:39 PM   #5
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Keeping an old love letter is your buisness.....your GF has some real insecurities, and you just enabled them even more by throwing everything out, that even didn't have anything to do romantically. As for going through all your messages and emails, for me it would have been a deal breaker, but hey that was your choice. To me that is a warning sign.

Yes you should have told your GF, and I agree with the above post that you should have stood your ground and went out with your coworkers. By now your GF should be able to trust you. You messed up, because you didn't let her know and you look pretty damn guilty.

You are a fool if you believe that having each others passwords = trust.
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Old 4th October 2015, 4:40 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by Winterina View Post
Lying is always meant to protect the liar.
Not true. Has a woman ever asked you if she looks fat in a dress?
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Old 4th October 2015, 8:22 PM   #7
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I think she was overreacting with regards to keeping stuff from the ex. I have stuff from ex-boyfriends like jewellery they bought me but I have no emotional attachment to them. They are just pretty things. I think you should have stood your ground about the letters. There's nothing wrong with keeping those things. With regards the night out, just tell some white lie like you went out with your mates but didn't know she'd be there then when you saw her, it was only polite to talk to her. Then you went back with your mate and that was that. Just be chill about it. I would have done the same as you and not mentioned meeting her as that probably would have made her suspicious - like why would you mention an encounter if there was nothing to it? I've bumped into guys I've dated previously while with their current girlfriends and just acted casual and said hello and that was that. Big deal. Your girl sounds awfully paranoid.

EDIT: Perhaps your GF is anxious about your ex because you were together for a long time? Sometimes this can produce insecure feelings about matching up to that relationship and that sort of thing.

Last edited by thecrucible; 4th October 2015 at 8:26 PM..
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Old 4th October 2015, 9:43 PM   #8
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I would be upset about her obvious lack of trust. She does sound controlling. I think it's ridiculous that you "had to" throw away all your old love letters. That has nothing to do with her. You had a life before her.

The omission of the ex being there was probably not a good idea but given her overreactions, it is apparent why you did it. And, her refusal to have an adult discussion about it now shows her to be quite childish and immature.
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Old 6th October 2015, 12:33 AM   #9
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it is a perfectly natural and all too common reaction to be more secretive when your with an insecure partner.

You have to understand what is happening here.... this is a classic example how things like fear and mistrust have such a strong self for filling element to them.

This problem is not going to go away,,, accept it is over, and it is not your fault.
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