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Suspicious, Irrational Control Freak - At the End of my Rope


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 28th September 2015, 11:44 AM   #16
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BlueIris , my home is currently a rented 2-bedroom apartment. It may be worthwhile to note that for the past 5 years, until last year, we lived in a nice three-bedroom house, also rented, but for some reason felt that we needed to move to get a fresh start.

Some background may help shed light on this situation: my girlfriend's 20-yr old daughter went away to college to get a valuable education, but got pregnant instead. She finished out the year and moved back home. Her boyfriend, the baby's father, moved in with us and basically leeched off us. He is 23 and lives with his mother, no college education, worked at Panda Express where he met the daughter.

When the baby was born, we moved to another 3-bedroom rented house, but it was single story, farther away from work, and much worse than the house we left. To this day I question why we ever moved, because that made no sense, other than that "fresh start" we thought we needed. The boyfriend moved back home with his mother soon afterwards, basically leaving his newborn daughter behind. This was in December. He did not come down and spend her first Christmas with his own baby daughter because he "had no money for gas". This phrase goes in the book "Things Losers Say".

Then, my girlfriend's daughter and baby daughter moved into the boyfriend's house with his mother a few months later, with the intent of her going back to college. My girlfriend’s 21-yr old son rarely if ever came home, instead crashing at his cousin’s house as he’s been doing the past 2 years.

So, it made no sense to continue living in a big house that nobody wanted to live in. We moved soon after that into our current 2-bedroom apartment. The son started coming home more often. Then, the girlfriend inexplicably decided to drop out of college, after already starting classes, and move back into our apartment with her baby. She stated the instability of her living situation with the boyfriend and his mother, but knowing her and her impulsive, irresponsible behavior, there’s probably more to that story. Now the son sleeps on the living room couch. But despite all these changes, I already made it clear to everyone that we’re not moving again.

Basically, then, BlueIris, I can easily move out on my own. Between my girlfriend and her 2 grown kids who both have jobs, they can take over the lease and swing the rent. They’ll have to.
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Old 28th September 2015, 11:45 AM   #17
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So you're renting. Whose names are on the lease? I ask that because they (GF and kids) might not agree to have your name removed from the lease. Edited to add: and it is possible (I don't know) if the landlord will agree to a new lease without you on it because you have better income and credit.

Last edited by BlueIris; 28th September 2015 at 11:48 AM..
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Old 28th September 2015, 11:48 AM   #18
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Mine and hers. The landlady is really "old school" and did not do a credit check, etc. I know that I can call her and tell her to take my name off the lease, and add my girlfriend's son and daughter's names to it. In any event, I know the impact would be minimal so I'm not worried about it
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Old 28th September 2015, 12:02 PM   #19
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Mine and hers. The landlady is really "old school" and did not do a credit check, etc. I know that I can call her and tell her to take my name off the lease, and add my girlfriend's son and daughter's names to it. In any event, I know the impact would be minimal so I'm not worried about it
So why haven't you done it?

You do a lot of talking where you could do this and that. Yet you have not done any of it and seem to be more interested in trying to analyze the whys of the situation.

Have you no balls, dude? Seriously this is half the reason why this family of gypsies has stuck with you. You are nothing more than a long term Mark to these people. The reason the daughter spies on you is because mommy needs to be sure that the gravy train has not stopped since she gets the impression you might be starting to get wise to the game. But being wise to the game and acting upon what you know are two different things.

Just remember when you are analyzing the situation for the millionth time that doing nothing about it is also a decision.

If you continue to accept such treatment from a band of gypsies you can only blame yourself.

Stop talking and start doing.
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Old 28th September 2015, 12:04 PM   #20
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Thanks, Space Ritual. I found that "No More Mr. Nice Guy" PDF and learned a little something about myself. I've gone over in my head hundreds and hundreds of times about how I would explain why I want to move out and leave this relationship, but it does no good. Everything will either be denied, blame-shifted, or outright met with hostility. All the little details mean nothing. She is master at "keeping score" of all the things I did wrong over the past 7 years, but I don't save all that **** up like she does. Best to keep it as civil as possible, i.e. use fewer words
Want a explanation? Tell her to look in the mirror and look around at the mess that is there with her kids. That's all you need to do and if she starts keeping score then let her keep score of how many suitcases you pack.

If it was me, I would find a place ASAP, gather your belongings and move on before you find yourself in worse shape. You don't need to live like this.
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Old 28th September 2015, 12:14 PM   #21
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Mine and hers. The landlady is really "old school" and did not do a credit check, etc. I know that I can call her and tell her to take my name off the lease, and add my girlfriend's son and daughter's names to it. In any event, I know the impact would be minimal so I'm not worried about it
I really doubt that you can instruct a landlord to put people's names on a lease. A new lease is probably going to have to be signed, accepted by the new tenants. Ask her if she would agree to releasing you from the lease. And if she says yes, THEN tell GF and her children that you're being released from the lease (and rent obligation) and that you think landlady will give them a new lease. You can't force people into a contract that obligates them or do it without their knowledge and consent. See what I mean?

I agree with the posters above- find a new place to live and move out. Be strong in your resolve and don't surprised if GF and her kids say nasty things to you. Just keep moving and don't be distracted.
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Old 28th September 2015, 12:15 PM   #22
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Thanks for all your input. The reason I'm posting and analyzing is because I need a sanity check on the situation. I've been in it so long I have a hard time seeing it all objectively, as you all now doubt seem to do. We have a lot of history together and it's not all bad, sometimes it's been great, so despite how easy and obvious it seems to be to everyone else, it isn't so easy for me.
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Old 28th September 2015, 12:23 PM   #23
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I get it. It IS hard. You live with these people and they’re family-ish to you.

You ought to be able to talk with family and expect them to respect your position in the family and your needs and wishes- ideally. But they AREN’T considering you family and they accuse and spy, kind of like they have you captive in service to them.

So are you confident that you have talked to your GF honestly and openly about your wanting the kids out of the house, that the accusations have to stop and that you feel used, pushed out and fed up? That’s what you’d do if you felt respected and cared about. If you feel confident that you’ve done that and they didn’t care or fought you over that… then you have no choice to move or be used for as long as you stay.
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Old 28th September 2015, 12:44 PM   #24
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Yes, BlueIris, I've been there through their teen years, driven them to school, helped them get drivers license and their first jobs, and encouraged a college education. (I'm a college graduate, my girlfriend is not). I even bought cars for them

However, I will catch hell if I EVER dare to say anything negative about her kids or I will get accused of hating them. Can you imagine if I suggested they move out, or find their own place? Unthinkable! ALL of their cousins, all in their 20s, still live at home, some take random community college classes and have retail jobs, but they don't contribute financially. That's not even on the table in their culture. They'll live at home forever, even if they get married (or live at the spouses' family's house).

See how it is? I could not get them to think about my upbringing, where EVERyone I knew looked forward to, and worked hard towards, their independence. I guess nowadays, these so-called "millenials" live at home longer, get home-cooked meals and few responsibilities, essentially making it easy for them not to leave home. Their parents aren't doing them any favors, either, by enabling them.

Quote:
So are you confident that you have talked to your GF honestly and openly about your wanting the kids out of the house, that the accusations have to stop and that you feel used, pushed out and fed up?
Believe me, I have had this conversation many times before with my girlfriend. I am dealing with a person whose capacities for reason and empathy are like those of a child, despite my best efforts to ask her to deal with these issue as a grownup. It's a losing argument, every time. Blame-shifting is what happens. I am the one who is "selfish" and doesn't show respect, apparently. Any attempt for respect for my position and needs and wishes will fall on deaf, uncomprehending ears.
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Old 28th September 2015, 6:34 PM   #25
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She's not your wife. Just leave. They don't respect you, which means they don't care or love you.
Also, shouldn't this be under Break Up ? I know you said she's jealous, but really this about you getting finding the cajones to break up.
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Old 28th September 2015, 6:57 PM   #26
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Dude, you can do better. I get why you're sentimental, but they are using and abusing you. They will survive without you and you can move on in having a happy, stable life.
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Old 28th September 2015, 7:22 PM   #27
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Yes, BlueIris, I've been there through their teen years, driven them to school, helped them get drivers license and their first jobs, and encouraged a college education. (I'm a college graduate, my girlfriend is not). I even bought cars for them

However, I will catch hell if I EVER dare to say anything negative about her kids or I will get accused of hating them. Can you imagine if I suggested they move out, or find their own place? Unthinkable! ALL of their cousins, all in their 20s, still live at home, some take random community college classes and have retail jobs, but they don't contribute financially. That's not even on the table in their culture. They'll live at home forever, even if they get married (or live at the spouses' family's house).

See how it is? I could not get them to think about my upbringing, where EVERyone I knew looked forward to, and worked hard towards, their independence. I guess nowadays, these so-called "millenials" live at home longer, get home-cooked meals and few responsibilities, essentially making it easy for them not to leave home. Their parents aren't doing them any favors, either, by enabling them.



Believe me, I have had this conversation many times before with my girlfriend. I am dealing with a person whose capacities for reason and empathy are like those of a child, despite my best efforts to ask her to deal with these issue as a grownup. It's a losing argument, every time. Blame-shifting is what happens. I am the one who is "selfish" and doesn't show respect, apparently. Any attempt for respect for my position and needs and wishes will fall on deaf, uncomprehending ears.
You’re in an abusive relationship. An abusive person will twist and blame and attack in any way they know how, but not solve things. So you have to solve your problem and she’ll react the way she reacts. There is absolutely no value at all in trying to get her to care or understand your position or be fair or any of that. Expect more insults and blaming (that’s what she does, right? It isn’t going to change now). Stay on course. Be wise about getting your stuff out of the house. Once you’re out of this mess, you’ll get greater clarity and peace.

(And there are responsible hard-working millennials. You're just living with irresponsible people in general.)
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