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Suspicious, Irrational Control Freak - At the End of my Rope


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 24th September 2015, 1:21 PM   #1
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Suspicious, Irrational Control Freak - At the End of my Rope

I've been in a relationship with a suspicious-minded, untrusting control freak for the past seven years. Looking back, I don't know how I held on so long. Some of the times in between have been OK, and we had settled in a comfortable home routine. But the problem is that she is incapable of change and growth. It is always a pattern; repeating the same accusations and insecurities after I believed we had resolved the issues. There was never anything to resolve, really. I think the conflict is that sheís controlling, and I wonít be controlled. I donít need to be. I have a lot of friends, family and interests. I have a good job. I donate blood platelets once a month, participate in fundraisers for Cancer and Diabetes through active cycling. I am also a marathon runner and go through a 4-month training program every year. She doesnít share my interests and doesnít do anything other than shop and occasionally see friends. I am a professional engineer and don't punch a time clock, so my hours are irregular, and I don't have a set schedule when I go to the gym, but each time she questions the change with an accusatory tone. Iíve never cheated and wouldnít even know how since sheís always texting me demanding to know who Iím with, what did I eat, when did I eat it, who did I eat it with, etc, etc.

One particular example of her irrational thought-process: She recently found a cheap earring on the carpet, I honestly donít know, it could have been her 20-yr old daughterís, who denied it was hers. I told her I donít know, and I feel that should have been enough. But, no, she had to go on an hours-long dramatic spree and involve her own kids in it. This was completely uncalled for and showed a total lack of class and maturity.

This was just one of many similar incidents over the years. Thereís no hope for a future. Now her daughter has moved into our small apartment with her 10-month old baby (the father couldnít provide a stable home for them and she dropped out of a promising college education), forcing her 21-yr old brother out of his room and has to sleep on the couch in the living room. Itís become an unlivable situation and Iíve come to the end of my rope. I cannot think of any real solution other than moving out for good. That's where the guilt-inducing comes in; am I abandoning her grown kids, too, and the daughter's baby? is it on me to provide them with a home, no matter what?
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Old 24th September 2015, 4:14 PM   #2
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Dude, Really?

Seven Years?

Time for a 2x4 here. I'm doing so in an attempt to let the scales fall from your eyes.

For all the accomplishments you list, they are sadly overshadowed by the fact you have allowed this to happen for seven years. It's one thing to be in a relationship for a short duration where this much drama comes up, but to have drudged along for the better part of a decades flies in the face of common sense.

You can be as book smart as you want, but you don't have an ounce of street smarts. And that is why you find yourself in such a predicament. I would not be so hard on you had you not written that you were facing a conundrum of "abandoning her grown kids and the daughter's baby". You don't owe them jack squat.

Man these twerps are calling the shots. Get your sack back. The best way of doing this in the short term is by extricating yourself from thsi situation as soon as possible.

Good Luck, and get away from these squatters as fast as you can
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Old 24th September 2015, 5:49 PM   #3
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If you are in USA or Canada, the single Mom will have options for her and her baby.
Churches, welfare, etc.
You're a good White Knight, but you have paid your dues and deserve a lovely and sane Princess now, instead of a demanding, irrational Red Queen.

It doesn't appear they are contributing any $$$.

I am paying my share still, even though I am broken up with my cheating ex Fiance.
Don't be used further.

Good luck.
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Old 25th September 2015, 6:36 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by JBird2001 View Post
Now her daughter has moved into our small apartment with her 10-month old baby (the father couldn’t provide a stable home for them and she dropped out of a promising college education), forcing her 21-yr old brother out of his room and has to sleep on the couch in the living room. It’s become an unlivable situation and I’ve come to the end of my rope. I cannot think of any real solution other than moving out for good. That's where the guilt-inducing comes in; am I abandoning her grown kids, too, and the daughter's baby? is it on me to provide them with a home, no matter what?
THIS is reason enough to get the hell outta Dodge.

Of course it isn't your responsibility to support some irresponsible 21 year old who doesn't know how to use birth control and has to run home to mommy because she can't support herself. She's obviously not intelligent enough to understand that education is more important than getting pregnant by some dumbass kid who doesn't have two nickels to rub together, so I don't see how that's YOUR problem. Besides, she'll be on the government dole in no time at all and we'll ALL be supporting her.

I'd be out of there so fast they'd have to FedEx my shadow to me the next day.
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Old 25th September 2015, 11:47 AM   #5
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Thank you all for your valuable perspective. It isnít always easy to think clearly and rationally when youíre stuck in this kind of situation. To make matters worse, my girlfriend last night accused me of being ďselfishĒ. I will admit that for the last month Iíve kind of withdrew from being open and communicative as much as I used to be, but this is how I react to being in an unhappy situation. She even knows the exact day (Aug 22) I started acting this way, which is kind of creepy, and confirms that she somehow stores and catalogs all this information about me for future use against me.

In any case, I did not need to remind her that for the past 7 years I provided a home for her and her two kids, when she was unable to provide for them herself. We had a nice house and I paid the majority of the rent and bills. I bought an extra car so her son could drive my old one, and I even bought a used car for her daughter when she started college. So, Iím having trouble determining where my selfishness factors in. The mother and daughter are both narcissistic personalities and have an unrealistic sense of entitlement, so maybe all Iíve done for them was considered a ďgivenĒ.
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Old 25th September 2015, 12:44 PM   #6
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She even knows the exact day (Aug 22) I started acting this way, which is kind of creepy, and confirms that she somehow stores and catalogs all this information about me for future use against me.
And right there, is all you need to know.

Please please please get out of this mess and kick this whole bunch of Costanzas to the curb. George, Frank, and Estelle need to be gone....lol
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Old 25th September 2015, 12:51 PM   #7
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This is why I never date women with children.
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Old 25th September 2015, 12:57 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by JBird2001 View Post
I've been in a relationship with a suspicious-minded, untrusting control freak for the past seven years. Looking back, I don't know how I held on so long. Some of the times in between have been OK, and we had settled in a comfortable home routine. But the problem is that she is incapable of change and growth. It is always a pattern; repeating the same accusations and insecurities after I believed we had resolved the issues. There was never anything to resolve, really. I think the conflict is that sheís controlling, and I wonít be controlled. I donít need to be. I have a lot of friends, family and interests. I have a good job. I donate blood platelets once a month, participate in fundraisers for Cancer and Diabetes through active cycling. I am also a marathon runner and go through a 4-month training program every year. She doesnít share my interests and doesnít do anything other than shop and occasionally see friends. I am a professional engineer and don't punch a time clock, so my hours are irregular, and I don't have a set schedule when I go to the gym, but each time she questions the change with an accusatory tone. Iíve never cheated and wouldnít even know how since sheís always texting me demanding to know who Iím with, what did I eat, when did I eat it, who did I eat it with, etc, etc.

One particular example of her irrational thought-process: She recently found a cheap earring on the carpet, I honestly donít know, it could have been her 20-yr old daughterís, who denied it was hers. I told her I donít know, and I feel that should have been enough. But, no, she had to go on an hours-long dramatic spree and involve her own kids in it. This was completely uncalled for and showed a total lack of class and maturity.

This was just one of many similar incidents over the years. Thereís no hope for a future. Now her daughter has moved into our small apartment with her 10-month old baby (the father couldnít provide a stable home for them and she dropped out of a promising college education), forcing her 21-yr old brother out of his room and has to sleep on the couch in the living room. Itís become an unlivable situation and Iíve come to the end of my rope. I cannot think of any real solution other than moving out for good. That's where the guilt-inducing comes in; am I abandoning her grown kids, too, and the daughter's baby? is it on me to provide them with a home, no matter what?
am I abandoning her grown kids, too, and the daughter's baby? is it on me to provide them with a home, no matter what? -- It isn't even her responsibility to provide her grown children with a home. And, it is her daughter's responsibility to provide for and take care of her own baby.

You two were not married. There is no "obligation" here and no need for guilt. Just because she is enabling her grown children, doesn't mean you have to also.

Move on with your life and find the happiness you deserve.
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Old 25th September 2015, 4:00 PM   #9
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Regarding her grown kids, herein lies the difficulty; she comes from a culture where three generations typically live under one roof, often in what I consider cramped conditions (e.g. three men in their 20's sharing one bedroom). Within her large extended family, all her brothers' and sisters' kids still live at home and are well into their 20's. They have low-paying jobs, but I don't think they'll ever leave home.

So, I keep my mouth shut on this issue and try not to judge, or impose my cultural views on them. But the difficulty is trying to encourage her kids in becoming more independent and learning the skills necessary to live independently. She would flip out, accusing me of hating her kids and wanting to kick them out of the house.

I think the only reason she hasn't left me yet is because she depends on me too much, financially. She couldn't get her own place because her credit report is atrocious; so many serious delinquencies, unpaid credit card and medical bills, even the last month's rent on a place she lived a long time ago. Given that, I would think she'd be smarter not to create such an intolerable living situation. A guy can only take so much.
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Old 25th September 2015, 4:41 PM   #10
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Regarding her grown kids, herein lies the difficulty; she comes from a culture where three generations typically live under one roof, often in what I consider cramped conditions (e.g. three men in their 20's sharing one bedroom). Within her large extended family, all her brothers' and sisters' kids still live at home and are well into their 20's. They have low-paying jobs, but I don't think they'll ever leave home.

So, I keep my mouth shut on this issue and try not to judge, or impose my cultural views on them. But the difficulty is trying to encourage her kids in becoming more independent and learning the skills necessary to live independently. She would flip out, accusing me of hating her kids and wanting to kick them out of the house.

I think the only reason she hasn't left me yet is because she depends on me too much, financially. She couldn't get her own place because her credit report is atrocious; so many serious delinquencies, unpaid credit card and medical bills, even the last month's rent on a place she lived a long time ago. Given that, I would think she'd be smarter not to create such an intolerable living situation. A guy can only take so much.
All the more reason to leave. Jesus dude, quit making excuses for staying. You seem like you are way too much of a nice guy and you are getting steamrolled like a Blitzkrieg into Poland.

You have to stop attempting the Knight in Shining Corduroy routine.

Please do yourself a huge favor and google "No More Mr. Nice Guy". it comes free in pdf format. It would do you a lot of good to help you detach from this insanity and help you emerge from it a better person.

There is no way this situation gets any resolution without you pulling the trigger here, pal. If you don't, you will continue to get walked on for the foreseeable future. I am not trying to insult you, I'm trying to give you a snapshot of what your life will continue to be like if you do not act.
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Old 25th September 2015, 5:09 PM   #11
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Regarding her grown kids, herein lies the difficulty; she comes from a culture where three generations typically live under one roof, often in what I consider cramped conditions (e.g. three men in their 20's sharing one bedroom). Within her large extended family, all her brothers' and sisters' kids still live at home and are well into their 20's. They have low-paying jobs, but I don't think they'll ever leave home.

So, I keep my mouth shut on this issue and try not to judge, or impose my cultural views on them. But the difficulty is trying to encourage her kids in becoming more independent and learning the skills necessary to live independently. She would flip out, accusing me of hating her kids and wanting to kick them out of the house.

I think the only reason she hasn't left me yet is because she depends on me too much, financially. She couldn't get her own place because her credit report is atrocious; so many serious delinquencies, unpaid credit card and medical bills, even the last month's rent on a place she lived a long time ago. Given that, I would think she'd be smarter not to create such an intolerable living situation. A guy can only take so much.
I can completely understand trying to be respectful of different cultures but it seems like your attempt to show respect has left you paralyzed here. You let her move her children in and now you allow her accusations that you hate her children to prevent you from trying to teach them independence. First, her behavior is manipulative and potentially even emotionally abusive. Second, her children are adults. It's not your responsibility to provide for them- you aren't married to her- and regardless of cultural constraints it's not her responsibility to provide for them either. Third, does what you want matter in the slightest? From what you've said about her children, it seems like she's making demand after demand after demand. Where's the compromise? This isn't healthy, and it isn't fair to you to ask you to make all these accommodations while she does little to no accommodating on her end. You need to put your foot down. And you need to do it yesterday. Or you need to leave. Like a month ago.

And if all you are doing is serving as her financial windfall, that makes even less sense. Presumably, she'd want to keep you in good spirits so that you were more inclined to pay more for her family, more willing to let her spend money etc. But she hasn't. She's mistreated you, disregarded your opinions, manipulated you, and made you unhappy. Seriously, why are you still there? You say that she wants to leave you, so wouldn't that by-proxy mean that she takes her children from you as well? No guilt necessary. And you are completely correct in your last sentence, and I think you've taken more than enough here. There's no point in staying in a relationship this toxic and one-sided due to guilt for adult children that should be able to take care of themselves. Time to move on here bro.

-Reph
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Old 25th September 2015, 6:47 PM   #12
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Thanks, Space Ritual. I found that "No More Mr. Nice Guy" PDF and learned a little something about myself. I've gone over in my head hundreds and hundreds of times about how I would explain why I want to move out and leave this relationship, but it does no good. Everything will either be denied, blame-shifted, or outright met with hostility. All the little details mean nothing. She is master at "keeping score" of all the things I did wrong over the past 7 years, but I don't save all that **** up like she does. Best to keep it as civil as possible, i.e. use fewer words
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Old 26th September 2015, 7:01 AM   #13
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Sorry to be harsh but what?

You're a grown man, these are adults not children. They can work and contribute and you could all live in a bigger place and still have all that angst..but in a bigger place.

You choose to put up with the nonsense, you have no kids so essentially looking after another man's children..now read grandchildren and they're at an age they don't even require support.

Why can't your gf get a job and pay off her credit so she can build a better credit rating?

Do you want to spend the rest of your life in this position? A gf is supposed to be a partner, someone to share responsibilities with. What about love and initimacy? Do you have this?

Sit everyone down and tell them things need to change or you're out. A guilt trip don't pay the bills so why you would pay it any credence I don't know.

Time to be a man and determine what life you truly want to lead. Sorry for the 2x4
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Old 28th September 2015, 10:47 AM   #14
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My girlfriend does have a job but it's low-paying. Still, she earns enough but doesn't seem to care about her credit rating as long as she has me to pay for the rent and the bills.

Quote:
A gf is supposed to be a partner, someone to share responsibilities with. What about love and initimacy? Do you have this?
Unfortunately not. She's a terrible partner, financially and otherwise. What kills me is that now her grown kids are living in my house, and there's no chance they'll ever learn independence, they've become her "spies". When she's not there she apparently asks them what I'm doing, what time I left the house, did I say anything, etc, etc. I can't possible imagine what use she may have for this information, but somehow she uses it against me. It's suspicious if I leave at different times, for example. I may have an early morning meeting, or go to the gym first, etc, but that doesn't matter. I'm up to "no good". I can't stand it anymore. I'm an outsider in my own freakin' house!
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Old 28th September 2015, 11:05 AM   #15
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Be more specific about your home- Owned or rented? Who owns it or is on the lease? Can you move your stuff out and get another place to live? Think in terms of your own finances and which option will cost you the least.

Youíve got to get tougher about her accusations and guilting you. These people are mooching off of you and theyíre going to beg or threaten when you tell them to go or you say youíre not supporting them any more.
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