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Girlfriend's close guy friend. When is it too much?


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 2nd October 2015, 9:35 AM   #46
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Well looking at this situation, and being a girl, I don't think that just because your gf has a close emotional attachment to her guyfriend means that she doesn't love you or is having an affair. To her, it is probably just normal banter and connecting with a close guy friend, but if she still makes ample time for your relationship, I feel its fine. Its all about the segregation of sexual love and platonic love.

Good luck OP!!
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Old 2nd October 2015, 10:05 AM   #47
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If she was doing nothing she wouldn't of been deleting convos. Nor would she of been sending so many texts to this other man on a daily basis.

You are right you have no way to verify if she isn't talking to him and she has shown she is willing to get rid of evidence so that you might know she spoke to him, but you won't know what they spoke about it. This all sounds like she knows she is doing something wrong.
Yeah it's completely out of character for her and I've explained it that way.


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There is also a problem that she even thought it was okay to behave like this. I know some people say women are different, but I don't buy that when you have hundreds of texts being shared like that.
This is interesting to me bc I would say this is her first real serious relationship in which marriage was discussed.

I asked her a boundary question that if she thought what she was doing was normal, communication wise with Nick, that when did it cross the line in her mind. She responded by saying daily contact. So why if it crossed the line in her mind was it okay? She really didn't have an answer.

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I'd say you tell her she has to give you access to her phone whenever you ask. I mean see this is why cheating or lying is so utterly destructive. You shouldn't have to BABYSIT this person, they are not your child.
My sentiments exactly, at that point, I'm done.


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But the OP isn't being paranoid. This girl told him she'd dial it back and instead just moved the party from texts over to Facebook. She had a chance right there to show him she was serious about this and she failed miserably.
Correct. Started off as texting then migrated to FB.

She deactivated her account for a couple days, just recently, but now it's back up.

Not sure what that means other than a knee jerk reaction by her.

She says all the right stuff to me, yet has done little to follow it up action wise.

I suppose that spells it all out perfectly.
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Old 2nd October 2015, 10:22 AM   #48
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Well looking at this situation, and being a girl, I don't think that just because your gf has a close emotional attachment to her guyfriend means that she doesn't love you or is having an affair.
So in your mind her having "a close emotional attachment" to another man is not a emotional affair, and that it is OK to delete and hide her communications with the other man from the OP.

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To her, it is probably just normal banter and connecting with a close guy friend, but if she still makes ample time for your relationship, I feel its fine. Its all about the segregation of sexual love and platonic love.
I guess you missed the part where the OP stated that the OP and his girlfriend's "ability to communicate has fallen off since this constant contact with him has entered into" their life, or that the OP "never had any issue whatsoever with their friendship until it started to affect" OP and his girlfriend's relationship.

Also, the fact that the OP stated that other man's texts to her sometimes had a "flirty undertone" and "joking sexual comments" is strictly platonic to you. The fact that in 4 years the OP only "met him once", and that the girlfriend rarely talked to the OP about her contact with the other man, even though she regularly hangs out with the other man and communicates hundreds of times with the other man every day is also not a red flag to you. You and I see the world differently.
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Old 2nd October 2015, 10:36 AM   #49
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I asked her a boundary question that if she thought what she was doing was normal, communication wise with Nick, that when did it cross the line in her mind. She responded by saying daily contact. So why if it crossed the line in her mind was it okay? She really didn't have an answer.
.
wow did she really say that? she knows she crossed the line and still insisting which only means that she is evaluating both of you. there is a big chance the other guy is tempting her and she is hesitating. and you know what you do in this case whether you still want to be with her or not is to show your complete disapproval of their relationship.
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Old 2nd October 2015, 10:38 AM   #50
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Her answer was that she doesn't give two ****s about your boundary lines. She couldn't have cared less. Nick is obviously more important to her than the relationship you two built.

I hope you've made necessary arrangements to get the eff out of that situation asap.
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Old 2nd October 2015, 12:25 PM   #51
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Originally Posted by Heer View Post
Well looking at this situation, and being a girl, I don't think that just because your gf has a close emotional attachment to her guyfriend means that she doesn't love you or is having an affair. To her, it is probably just normal banter and connecting with a close guy friend, but if she still makes ample time for your relationship, I feel its fine. Its all about the segregation of sexual love and platonic love.

Good luck OP!!
Yes this is exactly the reason why I would show her the door. If a guy had a close emotional attachment to a girl he would be branded a cheater. Hung at
the break of dawn and tried before a tribe of women. lol

C
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Old 2nd October 2015, 12:51 PM   #52
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I curious why OP decided Nick must be the only problem.

Usually the urge to go threw you partners phone and tell your partner that they cannot talk to people shows trust and control issues.

I know if my boyfriend told me that I cannot talk to my one of my close friends I talk to a lot it would cause problems and I would probably wanna talk to the close friend about my boyfriend acting weird towards me.

Really I only spend hours talking to friends threw text when I'm sobbing about romance problems or they are... So aside from the affair I think OP should just expect that the end is near.
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Old 2nd October 2015, 1:00 PM   #53
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I curious why OP decided Nick must be the only problem.

Usually the urge to go threw you partners phone and tell your partner that they cannot talk to people shows trust and control issues.

I know if my boyfriend told me that I cannot talk to my one of my close friends I talk to a lot it would cause problems and I would probably wanna talk to the close friend about my boyfriend acting weird towards me.

Really I only spend hours talking to friends threw text when I'm sobbing about romance problems or they are... So aside from the affair I think OP should just expect that the end is near.
Is the close friend male or female?
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Old 2nd October 2015, 1:10 PM   #54
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I curious why OP decided Nick must be the only problem.
I would assume the issue is both of theirs and any lack of boundary defining their friendship


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Usually the urge to go threw you partners phone and tell your partner that they cannot talk to people shows trust and control issues.
I wouldn't know bc I never went through her phone, fb messages were inadvertently left up on our computer. The texts I'm referring to, the initial discovery, I cannot read as it was just on my bill that I receive.


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I know if my boyfriend told me that I cannot talk to my one of my close friends I talk to a lot it would cause problems and I would probably wanna talk to the close friend about my boyfriend acting weird towards me.
Guess I'm kind of lost bc I never said she couldnt talk to him or had to end the friendship

All that I asked was that their communication didn't affect our relationship or ability to communicate.
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Old 2nd October 2015, 1:14 PM   #55
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Correct. Started off as texting then migrated to FB.

She deactivated her account for a couple days, just recently, but now it's back up.

Not sure what that means other than a knee jerk reaction by her.

She says all the right stuff to me, yet has done little to follow it up action wise.

I suppose that spells it all out perfectly.

What it means is the same thing t meant before you came here. That she does not give one whit what you think and as long as you don't hold her feet to the fire she feels she is under no obligation to take any concrete action to attempt to regain your trust. And also that since you seem on the surface to accept any attention she gives you that she knows she has you by the balls.


Go to the mirror and unzip your fly. Are your balls still there? Good..Now go use them and get rid of this jackwagon of a gf you have or you will continue to deserve everything you receive from her.

How you continue to accept such treatment after such a long period of time is beyond me.

Women do not respect doormats. And you sir, are a doormat.
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Old 2nd October 2015, 1:19 PM   #56
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I would assume the issue is both of theirs and any lack of boundary defining their friendship




I wouldn't know bc I never went through her phone, fb messages were inadvertently left up on our computer. The texts I'm referring to, the initial discovery, I cannot read as it was just on my bill that I receive.




Guess I'm kind of lost bc I never said she couldnt talk to him or had to end the friendship

All that I asked was that their communication didn't affect our relationship or ability to communicate.

No vagina is worth this much drama unless it's lined with mink and diamonds.
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Old 2nd October 2015, 4:56 PM   #57
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Okay I'd gotten lost on what all had gone on... good on you not find this by reading her texts or anything.

But I really don't see how you would want her to fix this aside from not talking to this guy at all. She isn't going to do that it seems.

I don't see why you think that them talking is the problem affecting you guys... Is it because it makes you uncomfortable so you confront her about it and then she gets defensive and doesn't want to talk to you?

Are you sure that you guys are not just having general problems and this is the only real specific thing that can be pointed out?
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Old 2nd October 2015, 5:24 PM   #58
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Originally Posted by Chikibro View Post
I would assume the issue is both of theirs and any lack of boundary defining their friendship




I wouldn't know bc I never went through her phone, fb messages were inadvertently left up on our computer. The texts I'm referring to, the initial discovery, I cannot read as it was just on my bill that I receive.




Guess I'm kind of lost bc I never said she couldnt talk to him or had to end the friendship

All that I asked was that their communication didn't affect our relationship or ability to communicate.
Please, brother, stop rationalizing. All arrows are pointing to what you need to do. Regardless of what was said (Which we all know are things that were too inappropriate for you to know about) she has already violated your trust and respect. This woman does not respect you. Even when caught and asked to stop, she took the initiative to keep going behind your back rather than be honest... This is a gargantuan red flag, the lack of respect this woman has for you is just reprehensible. Show some self respect and bail the hell out of this one, man. This is not the type of person you want to be dating.
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