829178 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Let's say you are together with someone, an exclusive heterosexual monogamous relationship, with fidelity promised to one another. If one partner then goes out and kisses a member of the opposite sex, is this cheating? Said partner also does not admit to this until confronted and claims it didn't mean anything, and was an accident, etc... Is this cheating? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Yes. It is cheating to kiss someone other than your exclusive partner. I have a feeling you know this. What is your block? Emotional or mental? G 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 829178 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 Wait, what? My gf did this to me and says she doesn't consider it cheating. I'm trying to see if I'm overreacting. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Wait, what? My gf did this to me and says she doesn't consider it cheating. I'm trying to see if I'm overreacting. You aren't over reacting. Go find yourself someone who doesn't have boundary issues. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 A good definition of cheating is saying or doing something with someone else that you wouldn't do in front of your significant other. So, if you were at this party WITH her, chances are she wouldn't leave your side to go suck on some other dudes tonsils with you in the room. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Let's say you are together with someone, an exclusive heterosexual monogamous relationship, with fidelity promised to one another. If one partner then goes out and kisses a member of the opposite sex, is this cheating? Said partner also does not admit to this until confronted and claims it didn't mean anything, and was an accident, etc... Is this cheating? Given the clear foundation, and assuming that "fidelity" includes any and all intimate contact, yes, it's clearly cheating. Unless the kiss was like a mom kiss, but somehow I doubt it was. As to the degree of the offense, that's up to you to determine. I can buy an "accident" claim based on an impulsive thing that lasted 10 seconds before she got her mind right forex, and in my view that would warrant less of a response. How did you find out about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author 829178 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 She admitted it to me once I told her I had proof of it because someone else told me. She claims it's not cheating, it was "small", "an accident", an "I care about you as a person kiss", nothing more. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Another thing to consider is that cheater will tell you the bare minimum of what happen to make it seem not as bad as what TRULY happened. Meaning, a peck on the lips was actually 10 seconds of French kisses. "Just a kiss" could also be a full make out session with groping and heavy petting. So, keep that in mind. Plus, if this happened at a party or at some social gathering. She needed to tell you about before someone else had a chance. People don't like to deliver bad news so they could have said, "Dude, Umm I need to tell you something that happened with your girl." Then you can say, "Yeah dude, I already know. She told me." Bam! You let them out of an awkward conversation. You know about the kiss and they think you know about her spending an hour with some dude in a locked bedroom. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 She admitted it to me once I told her I had proof of it because someone else told me. She claims it's not cheating, it was "small", "an accident", an "I care about you as a person kiss", nothing more. Yeah, my wife kinda knows the "I care about you as a person" kiss is off limits. I don't even think I had to tell her not to do that one. It is cheating. She is embarrassed and trying to placate you with silly little excuses that hold no water. This is a gf and not a wife, and I'm thinking you must be young so maybe just have a frank discussion with her on what your boundaries are...no more kisses to other dudes for any reason. Make it clear that trust is important to you and you expect her to not have sex or kiss other people. This is the precedent you set for your relationships...what will you accept? I accept no cheating and no infidelity and no excuses and I've been free of drama for twenty two years of marriage. Good luck, Grumps 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 She admitted it to me once I told her I had proof of it because someone else told me. She claims it's not cheating, it was "small", "an accident", an "I care about you as a person kiss", nothing more. Hm. So she didn't come to you with the info with a guilty conscience looking for forgiveness. Not sure I'd buy the other stuff so much and I'd tend to suspect there was more to it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deadelvis Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Yeah you need to be more specific. Are we talking a quick peck on the cheek or a makeout session? Probably somewhere in between I'd imagine, but duration and tongue are important details. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 829178 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 I was shown a text where she confesses to someone "I ****ed up. I accidentally have two bfs, one I'm living with, another I'm sleeping with". Can someone please tell me if there can be any excuse for this. I'm going to confront her with this tonight. She knows I may know about this text and says she wants to explain why I may misinterpret it. Please help me here! What may she say? How could she possibly excuse that text and make it out to be not cheating? I need to be prepared on how to respond regardless of what she says. THANK YOU Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I was shown a text where she confesses to someone "I ****ed up. I accidentally have two bfs, one I'm living with, another I'm sleeping with". Can someone please tell me if there can be any excuse for this. I'm going to confront her with this tonight. She knows I may know about this text and says she wants to explain why I may misinterpret it. Please help me here! What may she say? How could she possibly excuse that text and make it out to be not cheating? I need to be prepared on how to respond regardless of what she says. THANK YOU There's no excuse for this. I wouldn't even bother showing her the text. I'd just tell her she is free to go be with her other bf full time because you don't share. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 She admitted it to me once I told her I had proof of it because someone else told me. She claims it's not cheating, it was "small", "an accident", an "I care about you as a person kiss", nothing more. Ok : 1 - you found out, she did not offer the information 2 - if it was innocent, an accident and meant nothing, why did she hide it ? 3 - as someone else pointed out, cheaters never offer the whole thing ... unless off-course their confession is out of pure guilt ... in which case they can do that. Otherwise it is simply about being caught or about getting their story out there first. Either way, it translates into removing your right to choose, to be informed, to make a decision. It's pure selfishness ... quite simple. Your gf is like this. Leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 829178 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 Can someone try to play Devil's Advocate for her though? Just indulge me...or is this something even a lawyer wouldn't be able to muscle out of? Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Can someone try to play Devil's Advocate for her though? Just indulge me...or is this something even a lawyer wouldn't be able to muscle out of? Ooh, I can do that! (Sounds like fun. ) So my background is that I'm living with you but shagging another guy and afaik you don't know, but I have suspicions you may have seen the text? Ok, you go first with the confrontation. Or if it's too late for that, I'll just give you my pitch - Baby, it's not what you think. I didn't have any choice. I had to sleep with Junior bc I love you so much. Can you understand? Please don't punish me for loving you too much. I don't think I could live with myself if you did that to me. Why do things always turn out so bad for me? I mean, here I am with a perfect loving BF, and still I have to sleep with other men. I just feel so awful. I need you to make it ok for me baby, please make it ok. You know I can't live w/out you. Also probably I wouldn't have had to sleep with him if you didn't leave me unfulfilled, but I forgive you for that. Can you do the same for me and forgive? I promise, I'll try very hard not to sleep with him again after tomorrow night. I can't break that date bc it was already set before you found out, but after that I swear we're done, finished, over. I mean, at least I'll try very hard. As long as you don't push me to it again, I probably won't sleep with anyone else for a while. I promise baby. You know I love you more than anything. Also Junior's been going thru some sh*t and I have to be there for him, to let him know he's loved. Just like you need to let me know I'm loved. He really is a great guy btw, I think you could be friends w/him if you just gave him a chance. His biceps and abs ....oh my god baby! Could you maybe hit the gym a little more btw? Thx baby, I have to go visit my mom now but I should be back sometime tomorrow morning. Love you tons!!! xoxoxoxo ~ In other words she'll probably try to equivocate and shift some of the blame on you and rationalize the rest. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 829178 Posted July 10, 2015 Author Share Posted July 10, 2015 UPDATE: Confronted her. She admitted the kiss was cheating. Explained the two boyfriends' message away as if it was some sort of joke aimed to make her friend jealous but admitted that if she saw me write that she'd never believe it wasn't. SCREAMED at the top of her lungs she didn't sleep with anyone else and would do anything to prove it to me. Then she said she can't talk about it anymore because she has worse things to worry about, her mother was apparently diagnosed with cancer today. Hung up right after she said that. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Can someone try to play Devil's Advocate for her though? Just indulge me...or is this something even a lawyer wouldn't be able to muscle out of? A major study showed that only 3% of cheaters are ever caught in the act of having sex, and that only 7% will ever admit to cheating even when confronted with evidence. In other words, you have far more proof than most, and the odds of her ever admitting to her cheat are slim to none. Instead of asking her questions that you know by your question that she will lie to you about, you should instead be asking yourself why does what she thinks matter more to you than what you think, and why does she as the cheater have to admit to what you know to be the truth for you to take action? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Explained the two boyfriends' message away as if it was some sort of joke aimed to make her friend jealous but admitted that if she saw me write that she'd never believe it wasn't. SCREAMED at the top of her lungs she didn't sleep with anyone else and would do anything to prove it to me. Then she said she can't talk about it anymore because she has worse things to worry about, her mother was apparently diagnosed with cancer today. Hung up right after she said that. Sounds exactly like what a cheater would do when confronted with undeniable proof of their cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I was shown a text where she confesses to someone "I ****ed up. I accidentally have two bfs, one I'm living with, another I'm sleeping with". Can someone please tell me if there can be any excuse for this. I'm going to confront her with this tonight. She knows I may know about this text and says she wants to explain why I may misinterpret it. Please help me here! What may she say? How could she possibly excuse that text and make it out to be not cheating? I need to be prepared on how to respond regardless of what she says. THANK YOU Ahhh...so, I guess it was more than an accidental kiss and a lapse in judgment. If she's living with you, who's name is on the lease? If it's you, then I would tell her to move out to her other bf's place or in with her mother to help her out (if she's even sick to being with). Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 UPDATE: Confronted her. She admitted the kiss was cheating. Explained the two boyfriends' message away as if it was some sort of joke aimed to make her friend jealous but admitted that if she saw me write that she'd never believe it wasn't. SCREAMED at the top of her lungs she didn't sleep with anyone else and would do anything to prove it to me. Then she said she can't talk about it anymore because she has worse things to worry about, her mother was apparently diagnosed with cancer today. Hung up right after she said that. Thoughts? Leave the drama all with her and don't look back. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Jen Your post playing Devil's Advocate was fantastic ! It made me smile ☺ OP She cheated on you and now she's using distraction tactics. She has a lover and it's not you. If she'll do anything how about submitting to a polygraph. Although if I were you, I wouldn't need one. The text is all the proof you need. Don't get played. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 If her mother was diagnosed with cancer today as she said, she's right. She has much bigger problems then fidelity issues with one BF or 20. The kissing somebody else, might be the kind of cheating that can be worked through & gotten past if she was genuinely remorseful & she came clean. You having to pull it out of her, doesn't help. The 2 BF thing is mind blowing. How does someone accidently promise love to two people? Deliberately yes. Accidently no. Is she trying to sell you a bridge by any chance? BTW, just out of curiosity are you the live in or the guy she's shagging? Either way, her character or lack there of is quite clear. Stick around at your own peril. At a minimum get yourself an STD test. Say goodbye. Tell her you wish her mother the best. Walk away & don't look back. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I was shown a text where she confesses to someone "I ****ed up. I accidentally have two bfs, one I'm living with, another I'm sleeping with". Can someone please tell me if there can be any excuse for this. I'm going to confront her with this tonight. She knows I may know about this text and says she wants to explain why I may misinterpret it. Please help me here! What may she say? How could she possibly excuse that text and make it out to be not cheating? I need to be prepared on how to respond regardless of what she says. THANK YOU OK, is it possible someone got to her phone and sent this just to mess you up. Do you trust this "friend"? If that is not possible then, does it matter what she says? She is cheating on you, are you going to put up with that? Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Her mother being diagnosed, while sad, has nothing to do with what she was doing before she found that out. One of the most typical reactions from cheaters when caught is to get outraged like she did and try to back you down, which she may have done. There is no explaininble reason for that text about another boyfriend, no possible explanation that does not reek of lying, and if you two do not live together I would tell her she has about three days to provide you with the cell phone records from her phone to see how many texts or calls are going to this guys number. I would also the next time you see her ask to see her phone, and when she gets all upset remind her of her statement about doing anything to prove it. By now she is deleting but the records will show what she has done Link to post Share on other sites
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