SJ69 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Hi all. I'm very confused at this stage in my relationship and I need some outside advice on what to do. My girlfriend and I have been together for about 8 months and the first couple were shaky but recently things have gotten better. We go to the same college but at home we're about an hour apart. I lied to her early on, and sometimes I have a hard time keeping these lies. I also kissed another female, etc, but now I am completely honest, besides when I'm keeping up with the earlier lies, and I am loyal for the most part. This sounds like a lie, but every single part of me is in love with her and she wants us to get engaged but I am so insecure in the relationship that I'm lost because I'm not sure if I'm at fault for my insecurities. I have found other people in her phone before and now I don't search her phone because I'm scared of finding something. We've had little run ins lately but nothing like before, thankfully. I'm not sure if I feel she's a liar, cheater, etc. because I guess you could say that I was and feel like I have to still carry the lies but I feel so overwhelmed all the time with the insecurities. When I'm with her I'm fine because I'm seeing her if I'm not I think she's doing something because she's a lot more social than I am and I think because I did wrong things, as she did too, and I still have to keep old lies to keep a story that she would leave me without hesitation. I always think she's going to leave, cheat, is lying, etc. It's so unlike me because I'm so relaxed but I'm not sure why I'm this way or how to fix it. Also, I have threatens her before so I just feel guilty and I don't know how to relinquish the guilt to move on in my relationship, it eats me alive and causes me to act out of character. I want to forget it all but simply cannot. I'm just so lost and overwhelmed and don't know what to do and I'm ruining a great love and a possible engagement and I'm starting to think it's all my fault even if she does play a role. I just really need honest but reasonable advice. Anything will help, please Link to post Share on other sites
mg101 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Hi all. I'm very confused at this stage in my relationship and I need some outside advice on what to do. My girlfriend and I have been together for about 8 months and the first couple were shaky but recently things have gotten better. We go to the same college but at home we're about an hour apart. I lied to her early on, and sometimes I have a hard time keeping these lies. I also kissed another female, etc, but now I am completely honest, besides when I'm keeping up with the earlier lies, and I am loyal for the most part. This sounds like a lie, but every single part of me is in love with her and she wants us to get engaged but I am so insecure in the relationship that I'm lost because I'm not sure if I'm at fault for my insecurities. I have found other people in her phone before and now I don't search her phone because I'm scared of finding something. We've had little run ins lately but nothing like before, thankfully. I'm not sure if I feel she's a liar, cheater, etc. because I guess you could say that I was and feel like I have to still carry the lies but I feel so overwhelmed all the time with the insecurities. When I'm with her I'm fine because I'm seeing her if I'm not I think she's doing something because she's a lot more social than I am and I think because I did wrong things, as she did too, and I still have to keep old lies to keep a story that she would leave me without hesitation. I always think she's going to leave, cheat, is lying, etc. It's so unlike me because I'm so relaxed but I'm not sure why I'm this way or how to fix it. Also, I have threatens her before so I just feel guilty and I don't know how to relinquish the guilt to move on in my relationship, it eats me alive and causes me to act out of character. I want to forget it all but simply cannot. I'm just so lost and overwhelmed and don't know what to do and I'm ruining a great love and a possible engagement and I'm starting to think it's all my fault even if she does play a role. I just really need honest but reasonable advice. Anything will help, please I think you'll need to explain the bolded a bit more here.. Link to post Share on other sites
G0DDESS Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Obviously you're paranoid and suspecting her of things that YOU are guilty of. Work on accepting yourself. Counseling if need be. You sound insecure with who you are as a whole and yes, it will ruin your relationship if you're not careful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SJ69 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 Mg101, I kissed another women at a college party shortly because I had no trust she wasn't doing the same being a couple months earlier I had found guys in her phone. I am loyal for the most part because I don't "cheat" but I text another women as a backup for when she leaves me. And because this women shows a lot of interest that my girlfriend doesn't, my girlfriend acts very uninterested but she swears it's just my thinking, that she wouldn't say yes to my engagement of she wasn't interested. When we were pre dating she had sex with another man, lied about it, thought it was funny, and then proceeded to text multiple men about sex. She was quite "easy" before I met her, and all of a sudden she wants me to think she's changed her ways, which a lot of her has changed, everybody notices, but I'm not going to be naive. The wrong things I have listed. And her interaction on social media, flirting, is a bit annoying. She's "friendly" in her words. Also, I have threatened to put my hands on her because of my own insecurity of her leaving and her talking to men she's had sex with of acting overtly flirty. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SJ69 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 I agree, but how do I overcome my insecurities within myself? It's frustrating knowing I know what's wrong but cannot fix it. I have a lot to be secure about. I'm athletic, about to attend law school, educated, good looking, etc. but my old lies and insecurities about her eat me alive along with her past and my fear of being made a fool out of. Link to post Share on other sites
mg101 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I agree, but how do I overcome my insecurities within myself? It's frustrating knowing I know what's wrong but cannot fix it. I have a lot to be secure about. I'm athletic, about to attend law school, educated, good looking, etc. but my old lies and insecurities about her eat me alive along with her past and my fear of being made a fool out of. On your earlier post, the keeping other women around to text just in case she leaves you sounds like a defense mechanism. I had a guy who used to do that and it was really more so about feeding his ego. Do you have a need to feel wanted? I'm also a big believer in behavior, especially those in relationships, being tied to issues from our childhood. Do you have any abandonment issues? The only one who can truly decipher where your insecurities come from is you and you will have to dig deeper than surface issues. It has little to do with your current gf. I believe we attract people who bring out our existing issues. You can't control another person. You can't change her. Look at yourself deeply and try to work on you. Maybe you'll realize this relationship is unnecessary once you get a better understanding of where your own issues are truly coming from. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SJ69 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 I may, but at the same time she acts so uninterested when she swears she's not that it leaves me confused. She won't reply to texts after seeing it for quite a while. Or she "forgot to send it", just excuses that weren't there before that are there now and I'm not sure if I'm seeing and feeling things because my gut is right or if it's my insecurities talking. But yes, I was diagnosed a manic bipolar but because of my degree I can't get on medicine or I risk my qualification. I know what needs to be done, I just have no idea how to take step 1. Link to post Share on other sites
mg101 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I may, but at the same time she acts so uninterested when she swears she's not that it leaves me confused. She won't reply to texts after seeing it for quite a while. Or she "forgot to send it", just excuses that weren't there before that are there now and I'm not sure if I'm seeing and feeling things because my gut is right or if it's my insecurities talking. But yes, I was diagnosed a manic bipolar but because of my degree I can't get on medicine or I risk my qualification. I know what needs to be done, I just have no idea how to take step 1. Have you researched the ramifications of being on medication for licensing? It shouldn't prevent you from admission or conditional admission at the least. And if you're considering forgoing treatment until later, maybe you should not be in a relationship until then. You don't need to place yourself under such stress. Your gf may not be doing anything behind your back for all you know, but is it worth the aggravation if you cant trust each other at all and you know your diagnosis doesn't benefit from such an emotionally charged situation? Think things over. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 (edited) Hi all. I'm very confused at this stage in my relationship and I need some outside advice on what to do. My girlfriend and I have been together for about 8 months and the first couple were shaky but recently things have gotten better. We go to the same college but at home we're about an hour apart. I lied to her early on, and sometimes I have a hard time keeping these lies. I also kissed another female, etc, but now I am completely honest, besides when I'm keeping up with the earlier lies, and I am loyal for the most part. This sounds like a lie, but every single part of me is in love with her and she wants us to get engaged but I am so insecure in the relationship that I'm lost because I'm not sure if I'm at fault for my insecurities. I have found other people in her phone before and now I don't search her phone because I'm scared of finding something. We've had little run ins lately but nothing like before, thankfully. I'm not sure if I feel she's a liar, cheater, etc. because I guess you could say that I was and feel like I have to still carry the lies but I feel so overwhelmed all the time with the insecurities. When I'm with her I'm fine because I'm seeing her if I'm not I think she's doing something because she's a lot more social than I am and I think because I did wrong things, as she did too, and I still have to keep old lies to keep a story that she would leave me without hesitation. I always think she's going to leave, cheat, is lying, etc. It's so unlike me because I'm so relaxed but I'm not sure why I'm this way or how to fix it. Also, I have threatens her before so I just feel guilty and I don't know how to relinquish the guilt to move on in my relationship, it eats me alive and causes me to act out of character. I want to forget it all but simply cannot. I'm just so lost and overwhelmed and don't know what to do and I'm ruining a great love and a possible engagement and I'm starting to think it's all my fault even if she does play a role. I just really need honest but reasonable advice. Anything will help, please Guilt is a powerful source of insecurity. "I'm not sure if I feel she's a liar, cheater, -- When a person who is in a relationship is carrying guilt around they start to "blame shift". They start looking for signs from the other person for reasons not to trust THEM, when in fact, you simply don't trust yourself. This will seep in and undermine the relationship if you don't get it under control. Keep this in mind too, if you're feeling insecure, she's likely feeling it too and may be a source of some of the tension and fighting between you. You did these things very early on in the relationship? Before you had "declared" your relationship? If that's the case, the truth is you don't really need to feel so guilty. You weren't committed to her and, technically, what you did during that time, wasn't really her business. If you had "declared" the relationship and you want to marry her, step back now and get centered and focused. If you decide that's what you want, sit down with her, explain how you are feeling and why and apologize and promise her that it will never happen again -- then pull out the ring Do you know, though, that you two are on that page? I mean, do you know she wants to be married at all? Have you two discussed engagement? If you haven't you might want to "feel" that out first. Edited July 7, 2015 by Redhead14 Link to post Share on other sites
the-truth Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Hi all. I'm very confused at this stage in my relationship and I need some outside advice on what to do. My girlfriend and I have been together for about 8 months and the first couple were shaky but recently things have gotten better. We go to the same college but at home we're about an hour apart. I lied to her early on, and sometimes I have a hard time keeping these lies. I also kissed another female, etc, but now I am completely honest, besides when I'm keeping up with the earlier lies, and I am loyal for the most part. This sounds like a lie, but every single part of me is in love with her and she wants us to get engaged but I am so insecure in the relationship that I'm lost because I'm not sure if I'm at fault for my insecurities. I have found other people in her phone before and now I don't search her phone because I'm scared of finding something. We've had little run ins lately but nothing like before, thankfully. I'm not sure if I feel she's a liar, cheater, etc. because I guess you could say that I was and feel like I have to still carry the lies but I feel so overwhelmed all the time with the insecurities. When I'm with her I'm fine because I'm seeing her if I'm not I think she's doing something because she's a lot more social than I am and I think because I did wrong things, as she did too, and I still have to keep old lies to keep a story that she would leave me without hesitation. I always think she's going to leave, cheat, is lying, etc. It's so unlike me because I'm so relaxed but I'm not sure why I'm this way or how to fix it. Also, I have threatens her before so I just feel guilty and I don't know how to relinquish the guilt to move on in my relationship, it eats me alive and causes me to act out of character. I want to forget it all but simply cannot. I'm just so lost and overwhelmed and don't know what to do and I'm ruining a great love and a possible engagement and I'm starting to think it's all my fault even if she does play a role. I just really need honest but reasonable advice. Anything will help, please I can only have one advise for you and it is: talk. Talk with her about your insecurities and how you feel about the relationship. It is not healthy if you have too much secrets for her. Especially regarding to the relationship, IMHO. Also ask her how she feels about it. Other than that, if you feel like she may be cheating on you, you may want to check out the following link: The Truth About Cheating - Causes, Signs and Consequences - The-Truth It explains a lot on how you can find out if she is cheating and some other general information. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 , I was diagnosed a manic bipolar but because of my degree I can't get on medicine or I risk my qualification. I know what needs to be done, I just have no idea how to take step 1. BS. What is your degree in that you can't be on medication for your illness? You have a serious diagnosis. Treat it for heaven's sake. She wants to get engaged you said? After 8 months of dating when you are only in college? That's ridiculous too. You two are no where near ready to commit. For heaven's sake you are stringing some other girl along as a back up for when your GF dumps you but claiming that is not cheating. Are you kidding? Besides using the 2nd girl what would you call it? At best it's an EA because you have to be doing something to keep this other girl interested So you need to know how to do step one. Here it is. Go back to the doctor who diagnosed you. Step two: get a prescription. Step three: enroll in talk therapy along with the meds. Step 4: talk to your university & get some kind of ADA exemption for your meds or work with a counselor to change your major to something you can do while on meds. Link to post Share on other sites
bambino Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 First of all, keep in mind that you are aware of that. Most people are not willing to see how insecure and jealous they are. You want to change that, and that's a good thing. If you want some great tips on how to stop being jealous, maybe you should read this article on jealuosy. https://hapillyeverafter4u.wordpress.com/2015/07/14/how-to-stop-being-jealous/ It really helped me overcome the same problem. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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