Jump to content

Girlfriend admits to cheating that happened a year ago


Recommended Posts

wanderingthoughts

Hi all,

 

I am in a difficult place and seeking advice. I recently found out that my girlfriend of over 3 years slept with one of her exs about a year ago. I really can't figure out what to do because my whole life I have kind of been like "if a girl ever cheats on me it's not worth being in a relationship," but I honestly never expected this to happen in a billion years as she is my life as I am hers. She has been my only long term serious relationship and I am scared as hell to lose/ get rid of her.

 

When she cheated she said we were in a big fight at the time and wasn't if it was going to repair (no idea what it was about, I can't remember, but we did have a fight a while ago where we didn't talk for about 5 days so it kind of makes sense) but we didn't break up or separate or anything like that. At the time one of her exs were talking to her/texting her and I assume comforting her. The guy sent her nude pics and asked for some of her and she responded with her own. Then later that day she had sex with him because she was in a "vulnerable state". She said they both felt terrible as they both had relationships and they bother vowed to never do it again. After she told me she cheated, She said things like she wishes she would have never met the guy and has no problem never talking to or seeing him again. After I found out she cheated, I messaged the guy and told him to lose all contact with her.

 

However, the reason I found out about this is apparently the dude started messaging her a few weeks ago for more nude pics and wanting to have sex again. She told me this because I saw that he was messaging her on Facebook and I confronted her about it. I felt like she was not telling me something so I kept on saying "please just tell me If something has ever happened I need to know, I won't be mad," but when she told me I was furious and I just wanted her out of my house. I was also spurting out **** like "the only way i could be ok with this is if we had a threeway with some chick" which she consented to . Since I had no idea how to deal with it I let her stay the night and I said I am going to pretend that that didn't happen for one more night then think about it tomorrow. We had sex and had terrible sleeps.

 

My issue is that I don't really want to throw away a relationship that I have been in for this long as I love her to death and spend almost every day with her. I truly feel that she has only cheated once and I honestly believe that she wouldn't do it again, but of course there's that nagging thought in my head that I am a doormat for forgiving a cheater and that she could do it again and there's probably no way for me to know. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Note: Counselling is out of the question as I am currently a college student and can barely afford to get by.

Edited by wanderingthoughts
Link to post
Share on other sites
Friskyone4u

Well she confessed nothing and it was headed right back to more cheating .

 

You are young and do not need this. It will not stop. She already has been lying to you about no contact any more

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
wanderingthoughts

What do you mean she confessed nothing? I don't get what you mean by that. Also I know the right thing is probably just to move on, but I am so ****ing scared.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Friskyone4u

You just said she just told you about him contacting her again because YOU found it on her Facebook. She did NOT come to you before you found it.

 

If she is so sorry she ever met him why is he not blocked on her Facebook and phone ??? She can't be too sorry if she has not taken any steps to stop him from contacting her. And if he is supposedly in a relationship I am sure you can find his girlfriend. Why doesn't she send his request to her

 

The reason is because she is not telling you the truth about not wanting anything to do with him. Now please Dom it tell me she is ignorant on how to stop someone from contacting her

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
wanderingthoughts

After I confronted her and she admitted initially about it she suggested telling his girlfriend and we messaged her. Also he was deleted from Facebook a while ago.

 

However, he was not blocked which ticked me off. Another thing that she did that I confronted her about in the past is she deletes her messages which means she deleted them from that instance too.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't let your fear control you.

 

No good ever comes of that.

 

What exactly is it you're afraid of?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Friskyone4u

You really think a girl college age does not know deleting someone means nothing if they are not blocked. Deleting him was to pacify you.

 

And after you caught her again she decides you should tell his girlfriend.

 

Well, now you can start looking for KIK and all the other apps because if he was after her while with his girlfriend, you know what is going to happen if she breaks up with him.

 

She has now been caught twice with the same guy doing things she is not supposed to be doing in a 3 year relationship.

 

You can either bury your head in the sand out of fear or maybe move on. Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior.

 

you might want to google co-dependency. thatis how you are behaving.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
When she cheated she said we were in a big fight at the time and wasn't if it was going to repair (no idea what it was about, I can't remember, but we did have a fight a while ago where we didn't talk for about 5 days so it kind of makes sense) but we didn't break up or separate or anything like that. At the time one of her exs were talking to her/texting her and I assume comforting her. The guy sent her nude pics and asked for some of her and she responded with her own. Then later that day she had sex with him because she was in a "vulnerable state".
In most long term relationships there will occasionally be big fights. Cheaters will use these fights as an excuse to cheat, whereas people with integrity will not. Many times cheaters will actually pick a fight to create this excuse. Your girlfriend found and excuse to cheat after just 2 years together, imagine how many such excuses she would have over 20 years. Also, your girlfriend did not just have a moment of vulnerability that the other man ("OM") took advantage of. The OM made his intentions very clear to her by sending her nude pics, and "she responded with her own" prior to having sex with him. If you do not want infidelity to be a part of your life going forward, she is not long term relationship material for you.
  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Well if you ever decide to marry her you already know what your getting so plan for the eventuality with a post nuptial agreement, one that gives you most of the assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity. Just imagine for a moment that your relationship as a business, marring her would be like going into business with felon who has already been convicted of fraud. Would you risk your future and everything you have on that person? Would you ever feel safe? Would that help your decision? The other option is never fight with her.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

She hasn't been having just a ONS with her ex, it's been going on for the whole year now. Cut your losses and run, this girl is toxic.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
wanderingthoughts

So I ended it with her. She balled. It was really hard, But I did it . However I would say I still really really love her, but hey if it's meant to be we will stumble upon eachother again in a time of need.

 

She brought up counselling as an option as she was leaving. I mentioned the ridiculous price and that I wouldn't be up for it, but if she truly cares and wants me back I told her it shows she's making an effort.

 

Other than that I could tell she deeply regrets it. She still swears that it was once that she slept with him. I brought up all the evidence that shows as to why it doesn't make sense that it was once, but no new confessions. Other than she wishes she could do SOMETHING, wishes she didn't do it, and that she wishes she was not alive.

 

It's weird though. I don't feel as bad about the cheating as I feel bad about the fact that it took her so long to tell me. Also we have only had one big fight in our relationship which lasted about 5 days. Usually we make up fairly fast, but this is quite unforgivable. Now would it be smart to remain friends or no? Like cut all ties or what?

Link to post
Share on other sites

What 'evidence' of cheating - that she was talking to an ex on FB?

 

People are good and bad and the world exists in shades of grey, and if one instance of cheating is automatically enough to blow up any relationship you're in, you'd better get used to doing that or become a monk.

 

It amazes me how much self-sabotage of happiness goes on in the world.

Link to post
Share on other sites
What 'evidence' of cheating - that she was talking to an ex on FB?

 

People are good and bad and the world exists in shades of grey, and if one instance of cheating is automatically enough to blow up any relationship you're in, you'd better get used to doing that or become a monk.

 

It amazes me how much self-sabotage of happiness goes on in the world.

 

Jen, the physical act of cheating is hard to take/forgive but much easier if there is honesty. The dishonest part in covering it is were most people have a hard time. Had she confessed and not been caught and hammered it can be a foundation in which to build from.

 

Having a different view of sex doesn't make your view correct for anyone but you. Maybe you or I don't see the physical act of sex with someone else outside your relationship(s) as a deal breaker. Maybe your deal breakers are something different then OP, maybe something that he would be more ok with. That difference doesn't mean self sabotage, its simply something one has decided they can't (won't) deal with and move forward past.

 

Its hard to let go and move forward when the person isn't being up front about things. Its not hard for the OP to build a bridge from a one off a year ago to a year long sexatron since she only admitted to anything once he caught her communicating with this other guy resently. It was only after he caught her and there is the problem.

 

What he decides to do in this situation is acceptable either way, if he doesn't feel he can trust her then we can't blame him for wanting out.

 

OP don't allow anyone shame or guilt you into something you don't feel is right for you. Don't be like me and hide behind the fear of letting go dictate your future. Move forward at your pace and direction.

 

Good luck.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Each person has their dealbreakers in a relationship. The OP's girlfriend found his.

 

 

Hang in there, dude. Take the time to heal from this. Work on making positive changes to your life and the MOST important thing you can do right now for yourself is to KEEP BUSY!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Friskyone4u

You do not need to remain friends. That will make moving on harder.

 

What she did when you had your argument was bad enough but she sure made no effort to stop it from happening again . She did NOT tell you about him contacting her again and this notion that he was just some old BF is nonsense.

 

No where did she produce anything from her this recent time telling him to get lost , to never contact her again until after you caught her . And other than balling because she got caught she apparently never explained why she did not block him for all her social media after the first time . Not buying she forgot.

 

If you had not stumbled across her Facebook the picture exchange would have been on again

Link to post
Share on other sites
So I ended it with her. She balled. It was really hard, But I did it . However I would say I still really really love her, but hey if it's meant to be we will stumble upon eachother again in a time of need.

 

She brought up counselling as an option as she was leaving. I mentioned the ridiculous price and that I wouldn't be up for it, but if she truly cares and wants me back I told her it shows she's making an effort.

 

Other than that I could tell she deeply regrets it. She still swears that it was once that she slept with him. I brought up all the evidence that shows as to why it doesn't make sense that it was once, but no new confessions. Other than she wishes she could do SOMETHING, wishes she didn't do it, and that she wishes she was not alive.

 

It's weird though. I don't feel as bad about the cheating as I feel bad about the fact that it took her so long to tell me. Also we have only had one big fight in our relationship which lasted about 5 days. Usually we make up fairly fast, but this is quite unforgivable. Now would it be smart to remain friends or no? Like cut all ties or what?

 

 

It's wise that you ended it - based on your healthy boundary that you had set for yourself.

 

 

She's shown you blatantly that she's a common cheater.

 

 

Life is too short to waste time and energy expecting a known cheater to suddenly become faithful. Integrity is something a person either has or they don't. She doesn't have it.

 

Take care of yourself now - knowing you did the right thing for yourself!

 

 

No "friends" - that would only allow her to hurt you and use you further.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
VengeanceGuidesMe

It amazes me how much self-sabotage of happiness goes on in the world.

 

She sabotaged hers and his happiness. Don't be fooled. Cheating once is a major violation, and once in two years isn't boding well for a marriage. There is a reason that line exists: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice.... There's no reason in allowing that shame to happen.

 

Also, hind-sight is perfect 20/20. Of course she wishes she didn't do it, but she did. There is very little right and wrong that is set in objectivity, but their are consequences and you must be willing to pay them. His trust and heart have been broken. It's over. You made the right decision. I once heard that their are always two choices in life... The right one, and the easy one.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you did the right thing. There was no mistake. Shes only sorry she lost her comfortable relationship. If she really loved you she would have never even entertained the guy sexting with her let alone sleeping with him. All you can do now is react to her betrayal. I personally think you did the right thing.

 

It would have been one thing if she had came right to you and owned what she did but instead she might have actually gone and done it again. You did the right thing.

 

Clay

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
What 'evidence' of cheating - that she was talking to an ex on FB?

 

People are good and bad and the world exists in shades of grey, and if one instance of cheating is automatically enough to blow up any relationship you're in, you'd better get used to doing that or become a monk.

 

It amazes me how much self-sabotage of happiness goes on in the world.

Come on - you can't mean that all women are cheaters as you suggest. That if he doesn't accept a cheating woman then he should "become a monk".

 

Yeah - shades of grey. I agree. But there are some unforgivable offenses in a love relationship for lots of people. Cheating doesn't mean a person is "bad" or undeserving of anyone's love. But it can mean, and often does, that the cheater is undeserving of the betrayed partner's love.

 

OP: do NOT try to maintain a friendship with this woman. The best way to get past a break-up is strict, no contact. Don't speak to her or see her or text her or - well, you see what I mean. If you can do this than in one month you will be on your way to finding a new relationship. If you give in to obsession and "run into her" or call to check "how she's doing" or whatever than you will suffer for a long time. Your choice.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You confronted her and asked the truth while promising her you will not be mad. But you dumped her after she told you the truth.

 

So now you want more truth. Why on earth would she give you the truth now? She won't. So the fact that she deny sleeping him more than once doesn't say anything.

 

I may have happend many times and with other guys too...

Link to post
Share on other sites

My BS meter is going crazy. I would question her more about this. I think there is more than what she is telling you and usually in these situations there IS more. She will tell you just enough to try and skirt through this without losing you. It's best she tell you everything NOW instead of you finding out later. Trust me - finding out years later is SO much more painful for both of you. Good luck!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Friskyone4u

What 'evidence' of cheating - that she was talking to an ex on FB?

 

People are good and bad and the world exists in shades of grey, and if one instance of cheating is automatically enough to blow up any relationship you're in, you'd better get used to doing that or become a monk.

 

It amazes me how much self-sabotage of happiness goes on in the world.What 'evidence' of cheating - that she was talking to an ex on FB?

 

People are good and bad and the world exists in shades of grey, and if one instance of cheating is automatically enough to blow up any relationship you're in, you'd better get used to doing that or become a monk.

 

It amazes me how much self-sabotage of happiness goes on in the world

 

Jen

 

Don't see how younger nothing wrong with her receiving FB requests for more nude pictures from guy she cheats with . And she does not tell OP she is getting he requests . How do you classify that as innocent FB messages from ex.

 

Your advice is always well stated and intelligent but you should identify on your post that you are a proponent of poly non monogamous relationships , whch is fine but when you post to someone not disposed to that relationship style you might want to tell them why you see nothing wrong with her carrying on this secret relationship win this guy she cheated with

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

No being friends, she'll just try to suck you back into a relationship all the time. Or worst case, the oops-baby-trap-trick. She's been in touch with her ex for a year, let him handle it if he's that much into dramaqueens.

 

What 'evidence' of cheating - that she was talking to an ex on FB?

 

A guy doesn't follow a girl around for a year if he hasn't been given some incentive to make it worth his time.

Edited by No Limit
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Space Ritual
A guy doesn't follow a girl around for a year if he hasn't been given some incentive to make it worth his time.

 

 

Exactly! This has been going on a lot longer than you expect. The natural progression over a Five day period would suggest that this was not a one off.

 

OP do not base your worth on somebody who cannot remain faithful and shifts the blame for it on YOU! If all it took was an argument to set this off...which it didn't as that is just an excuse for her to cover her butt...then be glad you don't know the rest of it. And go get an STD test!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...