cake Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 I have cheated on my boyfriend of 4 years with my ex boyfriend. I have done this before (3 other times) but have never cheated with anyone else besides my ex. I have thought about why I did these things and have come up with the fact that I was unhappy in my relationship during the first 3 cheats because my boyfriend and I were not communicating well and having difficulty living our lives together in a way that suited us both. Also, I was having trouble getting over past lies he had told. Not that this excuses anything, just trying to figure out why....Anyway, we have come a long way since then and things are now finally starting to fall into place... we are getting along better than ever and are most likely going to be getting engage soon. With regards to this last indiscretion, I can not figure out why I acted this way. I have no desire to be with my ex, but it seems that when we are together, I am attracted to the sexual chemistry that we once shared. Of course alcohol was involved, I would have never done it had I been sober. Again, no excuse just some information....I am so very happy in my current relationship. I love my boyfriend more than anything. He and I get along wonderfully, have learned to communicate more effectively, agreed on a plan for our lives that works for both of us and our sexuality is great. I often wonder if my going back to the ex has something to do with the type of relationship we had. He was a very manipulative person who could make me believe anything. We had a relationship that was mostly based on lies that I most often believed. However, in the end it was me who left him because I met my current boyfriend who showed me the real way that a man should treat you. I often wonder if these cheating moments are my way of feeling powerful to the ex... My boyfriend would never forgive me if I told him. He is just that type of person, and especially since the cheating was done with the ex whom he despises.... My question is: Should I tell him and face the consequences of him leaving me? I don't want to be a bad person who lies to her boyfriend. I want our relationship to be based on trust. However, I really do not want to loose him and I do not and will not ever put myself in situations in which something like that could happen again. Is it terrible to keep this information from him so that we can continue to be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Grinning Maniac Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Maybe you should stop hanging out with your ex... If you've done this a total of four times now, being around him obviously isn't healthy for your relationship. Yes, you should tell your current bf what happened. It should be up to him whether or not he wishes to stay. No offence, but I wouldn't. That's way too much drama. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 This is why I hate ex boyfriends. I don't want to be a bad person who lies to her boyfriend. I want our relationship to be based on trust. It's a little late for that. This has happened four damn times. It'll happen again. You need to break up with this guy. Don't even tell him you're cheating. Just break up with him. It'll be less painful that way. You seem like a very selfish person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VinNYC512 Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Your situation is similar to mine in many ways. In my case, the girl cheated on her BF (my good friend) with me (I'm not her ex, just someone shes crazily in love with). It sounds really familiar, poor communication, difficulty with the lifestyle of the other and of course worrying about trust. It's nice that things have been going so well recently, but look at your behavior, has it been any different? Has the guilt led you to become more accepting of the things that once got to you? If you are even slightly inclined to say yes, then I only have one piece of advice for you: Be true to yourself. Remember, engagement is a very serious thing, definetly not something to be rushed into. Only you know how you will feel deep down inside. If you honestly and truely have undying love for your current BF, than maybe things can work out great. If you are only with him because you are with him so-to-speak, then something is wrong and you need to have a chat with him. The girl in my situation is not being true to herself at all and it is killing me. Don't ever be with something just because you've been with him/or her so long. Be with someone because you connect in all aspects and even where there are faults and differences, mutual understanding and love for each other can overcome them. Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 All that stuff about why you cheated the first three times sounds like a lot of rationalization to me. There are ways with dealing with unhappiness without sleeping with an abusive ex-boyfriend. You say that you don't know why you cheated the fourth time. Doesn't that scare you just a little? More disturbingly, you always go back to a man you know to be manipulative. Doens't that scare you a lot? Your BF may dump you if you tell him. To be honest, I think you are in over your head. You need to get some professional help to find out why you are doing this over and over. There's an old saying that the definitition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over when you know it doesn't work. I'm not sayng you are insane, but there''s something going on with you that you need to get a handle on before you have anymore relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Grinning Maniac Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Originally posted by StartingAgain .... There are ways with dealing with unhappiness without sleeping with an abusive ex-boyfriend. You say that you don't know why you cheated the fourth time. Doesn't that scare you just a little? More disturbingly, you always go back to a man you know to be manipulative. Doens't that scare you a lot? Your BF may dump you if you tell him. To be honest, I think you are in over your head. You need to get some professional help to find out why you are doing this over and over. There's an old saying that the definitition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over when you know it doesn't work. I'm not sayng you are insane, but there''s something going on with you that you need to get a handle on before you have anymore relationships. Agreed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cake Posted July 21, 2004 Author Share Posted July 21, 2004 I thank you all for your feedback. In response: yes I am in this relationship because I truely love my current boyfriend. In no way am I only staying because I have invested four years... I agree that the pattern is atypical and was looking for some advice or knowledge about why I would keep doing the same thing over and over again with someone I know is not good for me... Also I agree that making sure that I am not around the ex would be the best thing for me to do.... I was not trying to rationalize why I did what I did, I was just offering some information to help you and myself understand what "may" have led to this happening.. everyone always says you should think about why you did it because that tell a lot... I am sorry that you view me a selfish, I am just someone who screwed up and is feeling confused ... Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Four times? Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen_Angel Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 "I was not trying to rationalize why I did what I did, I was just offering some information to help you and myself understand what "may" have led to this happening.. everyone always says you should think about why you did it because that tell a lot... " What may have lead to this happening? Hmmm...usually these things happen because something is "lacking" in the relationship, whether you're consciously aware of it or not. Or maybe you're trying to prove something to yourself, or to your ex. I'm not sure what, exactly. Are you trying to prove that you can still get other guys? That he still finds you attractive? As for chemistry, I do agree that sometimes certain individuals can carry too much power over us and though this may be difficult, the only solution is to cut this person out of your life completely. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
bryanp Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Hello Cake, I have just a quick question. How would you feel if your boyfriend was doing to you what you have been doing to him? If you have any respect for him you will be honest and tell him the truth. Otherwise you are just playing him for a fool. If you cannot be honest with him then your relationship is just a big joke and you are continuing to humiliate and disrespect a man who loves you. If you truly love him then you will tell him the truth. Do the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 yes I am in this relationship because I truely love my current boyfriend. In no way am I only staying because I have invested four years... If you truly loved him you would not cheat on him FOUR times!!!! I agree that the pattern is atypical and was looking for some advice or knowledge about why I would keep doing the same thing over and over again with someone I know is not good for me... Because you are acting selfishly and cruelly and don't give a rats as& about your boyfriend? If you did or, as you say, truly loved him - you would respect him, be honest with him and keep your legs together. Also I agree that making sure that I am not around the ex would be the best thing for me to do.... FINALLY - after poking the ex on FOUR different occasions you come up with the brain wave that maybe, just maybe, you should stay away from your ex. I am sorry that you view me a selfish, I am just someone who screwed up and is feeling confused ... If you think you have done enough self-assessment on this, you are mistaken. Your ACTIONS (note, I am not saying YOU), are stupid, selfish, cruel, disrespectful and dangerous. What on earth would possess you to do this to someone you say you love AND want to plan a future with? Link to post Share on other sites
dudesomewhere Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 give the girl a break...maybe the ex had a really really big penis hehe Link to post Share on other sites
Compute to mute tech Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 I'd rather eat out somewhere explicitely fun Than take out, chinese style at times. Why do this?! Gnome of technology . . .lonliness. Confusious ~ Say + Bill Gates 2002 Windows okay. I can hardly wait, someone somewhere day. Link to post Share on other sites
flower_power Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 c'mon... it is really easy to judge people if one has never been in the situation... or the people here is too young and inocent, or too hypocrite... c'mon guys... Fidelity is something that is imposed by society, I think that it would be great to have one and only love for the rest of our lives, but it's really uthopic. love and sex certainly can be too separate things, of course, both of them being together is the best option, but tell that to men in bachelor parties... Link to post Share on other sites
suzy Posted November 24, 2005 Share Posted November 24, 2005 You dont love this b/f you are with now. There is no way that this could happen (4 TIMES!) if you TRULLY LOVED HIM. Not trying to punish you or something, Im merely making the point that you obviously dont know what true love is yet. If you did you would have no interest in this x. Take care Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted November 24, 2005 Share Posted November 24, 2005 Again, this post is a year old. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted November 24, 2005 Share Posted November 24, 2005 There seems to be a lot of this going on, lately. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted November 28, 2005 Share Posted November 28, 2005 What may have lead to this happening? Hmmm...usually these things happen because something is "lacking" in the relationship, whether you're consciously aware of it or not. *** As for chemistry, I do agree that sometimes certain individuals can carry too much power over us and though this may be difficult, the only solution is to cut this person out of your life completely. Good luck. I agree with the good luck, but not the rest. Usually what is "missing" in the relationship is that the betrayed person has failed to live up to some insane high maintenence role that the emotionally empty wayward person has set out for them. People who cheat are people who cannot keep promises and will never find someone they are happy with since they keep expecting that person to fill them up as a human being. If the second paragraph is true, then you need to tell your b/f that not only did you cheat on him, but that he must ALWAYS be aware that at a moment's notice, you may fall under the spell of some powerfull person. I thought that kind of thinking was 19th century -- boys and girls both are responsible for what they do. Link to post Share on other sites
bradd789 Posted November 29, 2005 Share Posted November 29, 2005 You know what, you shouldn't been in a relationship because you suck too much. You're the type that does whatever feels good and now you are asking for help. Get a life. Grow up. Link to post Share on other sites
XDOR Posted November 29, 2005 Share Posted November 29, 2005 Be honest with your BF. Leave him, and go back with your ex. You don't have to keep your current boyfriend for any reason. That will be more ethical. Link to post Share on other sites
IrishCarBomb Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 This girl needs drama in her life. She'll never be content with just one man, because any guy she's attracted to will be an ***hole, and she won't be attracted to any guy that treats her right. Stop being a child. Own up to your actions. I'm sick of hearing all about people's excuses. "But we're in love, but I was drunk, I still love him but, but, but, but...." But NOTHING.... Grow up and find out what love is. Or just continue your masochism. Whatever you decide. Link to post Share on other sites
Solvig Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 I just want to say that although I obviously do not have all the answers to life's problems and am not a perfect person, I htink everyone is forgetting that they all make mistakes. It is possible to love somone and to still do the wrong thing. Just because you lone someone does not mean that you are automatically, magically given all of the tools you need to deal with the relationship in conjunction with all of life's problems. There are a lot of reasons why people cheat, and most of them, deep down, are not selfish, but rather destructive. People who cheat should think about why they are doing things that are hurtful to themselves and to their relationship. These problems are not so cut and dry and should not be judged so quickly and harshly. Link to post Share on other sites
Solvig Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 I agree with Flower Power ...wake up people this is reality not what they read to you in Fairy Tales when you were little. Love is not perfect, does not heal all wounds, etc, etc,...........society has imposed much upon us and it is up to us if we want to conform or not. This causes a lot if inner turmoil within people. Do we have to do what is right in the eyes of others lest we be jugded or can we do what feels right for us...and I do not mean cheating by this...I mean living the lifestyle tht you choose and being honest with those innvolved with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Driver08 Posted December 8, 2005 Share Posted December 8, 2005 Well this is an old post by cake but it describes a very similar situation that I found myself in a few months ago. However, I am on the other side- the boyfriend trying to deal with the girlfriend's indiscretions. Cake's boyfriend seems a lot like me. If I found out for sure that my girlfriend was cheating on me then she would be done- it's just too much to get over. What Cake needs to ask herself is not why she cheated because that can't be changed, but she needs to ask how am I going to change and stick to it. You have one account at the Fidelity Bank and Trust and once it's closed it stays closed forever. However, that's not to say that over time you can't walk back in those doors. Right now, Cake has no integrity. It must be built back up slowly, each day that goes by without cheating is another brick. Telling the boyfriend is a risky move. If he found out and Cake hadn't told him then it's over for sure, however, if there is little to no threat of that happening then I would say file the cheating actions away like you would an old photograph. Cake should only do this if the integrity stays intact, otherwise she is never going to change and he deserves someone better. I have been through this and so far so good. Sometimes people just need to screw up pretty bad to see the err of their ways. Others will never change and never be capable of having an honest and loyal relationship. Cake needs to find out which one she is. Link to post Share on other sites
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