Boyfriend hot & cold

[bluesky]

What to do -

 

I recently ended my fourteen year marriage last August, about 3 years after I should have. My husband was interested in doing anything that would get him out of the house and away from myself and our children. For his time off, he'd always want to do "his" trips and I was always planning "family" time.

 

In August he went on a trip for his daughter from a previous marriage's orientation at college. He was flying to his ex-wife's home, driving with her to the college town & staying with her in a hotel while his daughter was in the dorm. My husband had seen his daughter 3 times in the prior 4 months (always flying somewhere, when he hasn't seen his daughter but once a year, if even that, since she was 2 even though our door was always open. She never called, never returned his calls). I told him enough was enough. We couldn't afford it & I wasn't comfortable with him staying in a hotel with his ex even if it was separate rooms. He told me he was going, and if I didn't like it...get out. So I did.

 

Believe me I had already done my share of crying over the way he treated me as a door mat. He never showed me any affection and we were truly "in it for the kids" (12 & 13 years old). I truly feel that I was "over" him by the time I walked out the door. It does not matter to me how he lives his life now, provided he takes good care of my children when they are with him.

 

I currently have shared custody of my children, meaning I have them one week, then my husband has them the next. as we live in the same town. Trust me, I never want to go back into that marriage. I never want to live that way again. I have as of yet to file for divorce as I am in the middle of other legal wranglings and must wait a few more months.

 

Since this time I've met a truly wonderful man, in early November, and have spent a lot of time with him. We share the same interests, dreams and goals unlike my ex & I. He's met my kids and although they all get along fine, my daughter still hopes her father and I will get back together. My son is pretty laid back and seems to like him real well.

 

Here is my dilemma - when my kids are gone we have a very special relationship and spend all of our time together. We haven't professed any "feelings" for one another and I continually check myself for "true feelings" as I do not want to be on a rebound and hurt him in the end.

 

However, he is very concerned about my children and their reaction to all that has happened. He knows he must accept me and my children (and occasional venting over my soon to be ex) and does not want to jeaopardize anything by moving too fast. As a result, once my children are home, we don't see each other at all. We talk on the phone in the evening and that is it. Every once in a blue moon he will come over for dinner or we'll all go skiing. End of story.

 

I am living two different lives. One as a single person in a very fulfilling "relationship" and then one as a single mom, all alone, every other week. My two worlds are totally different realities. It is really gnawing at me. It feels as though he pulls away when my children return each week. He doesn't seem to want me to break away for an evening and come see him. I tell him that it bothers me but I don't seem to get any meaningful response.

 

Also, just fyi, he's in his forties and has no children although he is wonderful with them. His previous relationship ended because his fiance was too "clingy" and smothered him.

 

Is he really being ultra considerate or is it just a good excuse to create separation? Am I getting right back into a relationship where I am wanted only when he wants me? Because it sure feels like it right now and I'm really hurting. It's opened up some really bad wounds from my past. It seems as if he only wants me around when it's just me and my kids aren't involved.

 

Or is this just him trying to protect himself from a rebound and see what develops? Or possibly, just giving himself space from me?

 

What to do?

[spencer]

Im not sure what he is "really" telling you.

 

But I think things seem normal.

why?

well, you are used to the married lifestyle, together everyday.

he is used to the single lifestyle, call a few times a week, mabye get together on weekends.

I think the fact that you and him talk everynight is a good sign that he values your relationship, and wants to continue.

He may also be slightly distancing himself because somewhere in the back of his mind there is still a chance you might go back to your ex. It happens alot in life, so he can't rule the posibility out.

Start divorce proceedings ASAP. Screw everything else.

[xalysabethh]

i agree wtih the previous poster i was reciently in a situation just as yours. i was married we seperated couldnt file for divorce b/c we wer ein the middle of bankruptcy i thought for sure my marriage was over. got involved with this guy we wer both single parnets with kids. a lot of things i was feeling was just becausea i was so used to the "married" life seeing i had just gotton out of it and he was more used to be a single dad and person. but my situation changed because i've decided to try to work things out with my husband . which makes me sad in a way because i wish i was never invloved with him unless the divorce was final because of his feelings. so i would start the divorce asap if i could and try to do soemthing else regarding ur other situation

[Hannah BHDN]

You did not say a whole lot abouyt how you FELT about this person you are seeing. Are there any "warning" signs that you may be ignoring? Does EVERYTHING feel "right" with him?

 

I have found that ALL of my mistakes in dating were because I did not listen to MY feeling or ignored that inner voice that tells me things I should have paid attention to. You also have to consider if these vioces are REAL or not, especially if you are ignoring them.

 

A lot of people say things that do not match what they do, for example my husband insists that he is hardworking, and I would LOVE to believe him and have for a number of years accepted all the excuses he gave me, but in reality he IS lazy and all those excuses are just that... EXCUSES! I could not figure out why in the world I always felt so tired, when the reason was in front of me the entire time, but for some idiotic reason, I believed what he said and not what he actually was doing! DUH! Once I figured that out, I figured myself for some sort of "dunce", but then I REALLY starting other peoples reactions and saw that they were even MORE fooled than I was! He no only knows what to say, but he actually BELIEVES it himself, so he is not actually lying and he does enough to make us THINK he is hardworking, but if you pay attention, as soon as he breaks a sweat, he convinces other people to do most of the work and WA-LA! He had a "rough" day and that entitled him to do absolutely nothing at home! None of us that he has fooled are stupid either... ALL of his bosses (which a few he actually had doing his work) and pretty much all of his family (other than his sister, who clued me in) and all his friends.

 

Basically, what I am saying is to REALLY see what is going on around you and verify that what you are seeing is correct. Forget about excuses, forget about what is going on in your life or even in his.... focus on what YOU think and feel! If you don't like something, then don't pretend that it is what you want because you will never be happy if you settle for less. If you don't let him know that you are not comfortable with what the two of you have, then let him know it and if he cannot be supportive of your feelings and make some changes, then give him the boot!

 

I recently read a GREAT book and am going through all the steps in it. I cannot recommend it highly enough. It is called "Change your life in 30 days" by Rhonda Britten. In just 3 days, *I* was a different person and my entire life began to change and I am amazed at what I am learning to do!

 

No matter what, though... GOOD LUCK and I would really like to hear how this turns out!