Jealous and insecure or upset for a valid reason

[daisy1114]

In a nutshell:

 

My boyfriend and i were together for 3 years. We broke up for about a year, then slow started getting back together.

 

There were A LOT of trust issues created by my boyfriend by his actions. As a result, I became very upset and lashed out at him in return.

 

Well we finally decided these things have to stop. Trust is the most important thing and we know we broke it. So he says that we need to regain our safe place with each other and the trust is very important for us to have. I agree. We will not survive without it.

 

So I have been working very hard not to get so upset or anxious... and if I do, I redirect myself as best I can. Occasionally I have a slip up and show some emo or tell him ( as a result of my anxiety, I feel he is sometimes doing shady things and I react on it) that I don't feel he is caring for my feelings in a way that is helpful to regaining trust.

 

OK. I am having a problem in the last few months. Typically my guy does not have close women friends. I have never had a single concern in the past with ANY of his friends. Women or men. Ever. Never felt upset about any of them, never felt insecure because of them, never felt jealous.. you get the picture, I don't consider this type of jealousy and possessiveness to be an aspect of my character.

 

Last fall I became aware of this girl who wanted to be friends with him. She is married to a doctor and wants to start a family soon. She is very sociable and LOVES men. So she is just plain friendly.

 

I was uncomfortable with how close she appeared to be trying to get. So I talked to my guy and told him. We were ( and because of this still are, after 5 months of this) at the stage that we were shaky and *I* felt that I needed us to have more time to become stronger. For me, this girl was triggering a lot of bad feelings from things that happened in the past.

 

He explained to me that he hardly ever talked to her. He said she was a nice girl, married, he has no interest, and so on. He was impatient with my insecurities and called it JEALOUSY.

 

I felt terrible for being so "jealous" and made myself reign it in, at least I didn't say much to him. It really hurt though. I was in a state of anxiety and hurt and very worried. This feeling has been a problem for me for months.

 

Well, as time went on, he decided to make better friends with her. I struggled with this. I hated what he was doing because I felt afraid. I tried to ask him to push her back for a while so I could stabilize, but he said I was just jealous. he explained that when he realized I was so jealous, he decided to get to know her better. So he said, you just don't know enough about her to understand she is just a nice girl and you have nothing to be afraid of.

 

So I tried to buck up. As I watched, he began to spend time with her and another friend of theirs. I was not invited. He added her to his facebook and she to hers. I am not on his facebook because he has an ex who goes bonkers every time she sees me and he hates the drama , so I don't even ask to be there.

 

As a result, I see him and this girl socializing and I know this girl comes onto facebook to chat with him on the IM function.

 

I did try to talk to her a bit. He told her that I have a few issues with her. She told me, and she was laughing, why are you so worried, I am MARRIED!!

 

Guys, I don't usually have issues with the friends of my significant others. One of my ex boyfriends was such good friends with a girl, that we had her over on weekends to hang out with . She would spent the entire weekend. I am just saying, usually I am not this insecure or jealous.

 

I don't know what to do. This feeling of hurt and upset has grown. My guy hardely ever starts drama with me, so he seems to want what I want: to heal our relationship, to have the "safe place", to have trust again.

 

The problem is, this girl arround.. I don't feel safe, I feel anxious and hurt all the time. Every time I start to get closer to him, I see him talking to her and part of me is so scared. I feel like he is putting energy into this friendship instead of US. During the 5 years I have known him, he has NEVER sat down with anyone on a deep level and talked to them except me.

 

It's not his nature to let men OR women that close to him. I keep thinking it is MORE than a friendship, but he is insisting I am being paranoid.

 

I don't know if it is because I feel cut out of the group he is hanging out with sometimes, or if it is because I feel uncared for and disrespected.

 

The incident that broke us up, was he had unfinished business with an old flame. he went back to the old flame ( the same ex that gets ballistic if I am on his facebook page and goes crazy doing things if I am there). he decided once and for all he was done with the old flame and now we are here.

 

Am I just jealous and I need to suck it up and play nice, or should he be more understanding?

 

I really do not like THIS GIRL. I am not at all bothered by any of his other friends, men or women.

[carhill]

There were A LOT of trust issues created by my boyfriend by his actions

 

Sounds like the breakup in favor of his old flame was central? Care to elaborate?

 

Being 'friends' would include you and the friend's doctor husband. Do you (couple) socialize with them (couple)? If not, why not?

 

The friend might be married but the nature of her marriage is unknown. It could be an open marriage, one of many potentials.

 

Since this 'friend' does not predate your past or current relationship, and it appears that she is not a friend of your relationship nor you/BF a friend of their marriage, I think your concerns are well-placed. The trust issues from the past may temper that opinion once more details are known.

 

Welcome to LS

[daisy1114]

Hi Carhill, thanks for the welcom

 

I am having a hard time, but I just want to do the right thing.

 

The girl is married, she says ( according to my guy) that she loves her husband very much and wants to have children soon. The communication from both of them is that I shouldn't be insecure. I get the impression this girl's doctor husband is spending a lot of time away.

 

There is a third person, this other guy, that this girl hangs out with more than my guy.

 

The break up we had was due to my guy's ex. They have a kid together and he became worried over the issue of was he doing "the right thing". His ex really was all over him, and after a while, he felt obligated, so he went back for about a year. He felt he had this little "family" and that he should try to make it work. Except it didn't. He was sure it would never work, he felt he tried, he felt he put to rest a lot of issues, then he came back and asked for another shot because he still loves me.

 

During the time he was gone, a lot of things happened. His ex knew he still loved me and she did her best to create a lot of trauma and misunderstandings. It worked wonderfully for her, but for me, it left a lot of damage. Additionally, he was not honest with me about a lot of things during that time. Essentially I was cheated on in some particularly heinous ways.

 

He has asked me to forgive this and asked me to put it in the past. I would LOVE to do this. The problem for me is that this girl is triggering all of these bad feelings and associations. the reason I asked him to stay away from her and give us some time to get stronger with each other was that I needed time ( I felt) without these kinds of stressors tearing down what capacity to trust I was regaining.

 

I may sound bad to say it, but I really have gone from being uncomfortable with this girl to truely disliking her and wanting her just plain GONE and I am hurt and angry at my guy in a BIG way because I feel like he is deliberately ignoring my feelings and forcing this on me.

 

I love him a lot, but right now, if I make one peep in the direction of this girl, he gets hugely upset. So I can't even talk to him about it. I feel bad enough today after seeing him talk to her, that I am close to just walking away and not ever saying another word to him.

 

To be fair to him, I realize he is getting his back up over this partly because his EX used to bully and humiliate him into dropping friends. he became very isolated and depressed as a result. I try to respect him on his choices of friends, but this girl and ONLY this girl is an issue for me.

 

He sees her on a social level that does not include me and us getting together to have dinner with her husband. I don't believe she wants to leave her husband. I kind of get the feeling that she is really enjoying my upset and sort of playing it up to show me that she is taking priority over me. I could just be being paranoid because I am upset though...

[carhill]

Have you interacted much with your BF's best male friend? If not, why not? If so, how does that go? How tight are they?

[daisy1114]

I haven't interacted with his best male friend very much. My guy has a lot of people he knows, but very few close male friends. I figured it was because he was coming out of a time in his life where he just wasn't allowed to have ANY friends.

 

His best male friend is the 3rd person in this trio of my guy, this girl and the male friend.

 

I think he is developing a closer friendship to this guy. From what I can see, because of this girl and the issues, my guy is trying to keep us separate now. This girl is avoiding me, too. The male friend is going a long with it. I think the girl may have said something to him about me and now he is very standoffish.

 

I feel pretty excluded. At one point my guy said you should come and get to know these two and I was all for it, but now he has changed his stance on it and seems to be avoiding this.

 

I am feeling pretty alienated.

[carhill]

I'm seeing more valid reasons. This doesn't sound like a positive, synergistic dynamic to me.

 

What occurred to cause him to not be 'allowed/ to have any friends and who was the judge and jury in that dynamic? I ask because, generally, we make choices is such regards, just as he's choosing to spend time with his male and female friend without you.

[daisy1114]

With his ex?

 

She was judge and jury. She wanted him to confine his time and attention to her, their child. She is one of those people who talk down to everyone, very religious, controlling, demanding. She would call him up during the day, for example, and try to instruct him on how to do his job. Her and her mother. it was ridiculous.

 

One time he told me this story where they went to another couple's for a dinner party. One of the other wives had just been given this lovely necklace and my guy's ex was very jealous. She told the other lady that SHE deserved the necklace, not her and then she proceeded to rip it off the woman's neck and tried to leave with it!

 

I believe the story, too.

 

I am REALLY not trying to come across in such a way. I don't want to control his day, who his friends are. I am generally very happy with what he does. He does fine.

 

I don't know why this particular girl. It's getting to me pretty badly. I guess I am looking for advice or a way to address the actual issues. She may be just a symptom. I am pretty upset about it, in a lot of pain over it.

[daisy1114]

Also, he has loads of people on his facebook. girls from work and elsewhere. guys from work, old school friends. I have no problem with any of them and some of the girls are pretty hot, too. Doesn't bother me at all.

[carhill]

Clarifying the actual issue is the first step to resolving it. A few electrons won't get us there. I recall about three months of MC before my exW and I really got to the central issues in our M and another couple of months before I could finally accept my role in them. You've had a substantial, and apparently rocky, relationship with this guy. I don't see a quick fix in your future. No magic words that will make it all better. I just don't. It may get better, but it'll take time. My best advice is to work on yourself, clarifying your role in this relationship and your boundaries of health. Become confident in asserting both. If you need help, ask for it. We asked for professional help and it helped a lot. That I'm posting here as a healthy and recovered divorced man is evidence of that. Such (divorce/breakup) does not have to be your path. Work on self first.

[daisy1114]

yeh, it's complicated.

 

thanks for your words, I will think on what you said.

[GildedLily]

It doesn't matter what this girl's intentions are at all, it also doesn't matter if you are being jealous unwarranted or that your boyfriend only see's her as a friend: bottom line: a man who is serious about you will put you first and HEAR you when you say that you don't feel safe and TAKE ACTION to make you feel safe this includes distancing himself from women who are just friends. HE will let NOTHING come between the two of you. Break up with this person if you are looking for a serious (marriage minded) commitment.

[threebyfate]

Notice the pattern? Break up, then make up. Agitation of jealousy issues. Your SO is manifesting the same pattern of behaviour with you, as the ex.

[darkmoon]

do the same thing to him that does to you chat chat chat to men - very few ppl are confident to handle what this man is doing see how he feels but if you are in awe of him and nervous to do this dump him and as for that ex > he owes you loyalty not her - how can he justify her on facebook and not you he should block her

 

he sounds like you should replace him with a better man - a better man - so happy hunting xx

Edited April 4, 2012 by darkmoon

[daisy1114]

I have been cutting a lot of slack due to all of the upsets. I felt that once we resolved past hurts, we would be stronger and these things wouldn't happen.

 

His ex is not on his facebook. he won't have her there. If I am , she goes into high drama mode and starts jerking him around over his kid. It's just a little girl and she doesn't deserve to be screwed around over something stupid like who is on who's facebook page. It's hurtful to me, but I try and remember the greater good.

 

the flirting thing I think there may be some truth in that... it appears a bit manipulative though. I am also in a state of trying to recover emotionally, so I am not all that bright a spark these days. I suspect it is effecting my guy's attraction to me.

 

Probably Carhill is simply correct: it's a long road to repairing this relationship and focusing on my own self for a while is probably a good idea. When I am healthier I can re-evaluate.

 

I mostly wondered, given the circumstances, if I was out of line for being upset. It makes me feel ugly inside to think it was simple jealousy.

[daisy1114]

btw, Three.. I see that pattern. You may have a very good point. I need to think on this and see if I can get to what is behind it.

[blueskyday]

Maybe it's your intuition? Hmmm, I say if it makes you feel uncomfortable, then he should be doing everything possible to make you feel better. Like, say, dumping this "friend."

 

I'm sure you are feeling he cares more about preserving that relationship than yours. It would be a dealbreaker for me if he wouldn't include me in on that friendship from time to time....and, if she relished your discomfort, it would also show she isn't a friend to the relationship. Dumpsville again (from him to her.) Dumpsville for him if he doesn't do that.

 

Really? Does he have a spine? I understand the ex Facebook situation, but he should grow a pair and put you on facebook. None of her business. He is sleeping with you, so a public display of your relationship is no big deal.

 

I would suspect he doesn't want to publicly "claim" you to the ex or the new "friend," which is BS. He decided to get to know this new friend AFTER you became jealous? That's nuts! Sounds way off, and controlling towards you. Like he is trying to "punish" you...

 

How you feel is important. If he doesn't make you feel good, special, and appreciated, especially after you have communicated your feelings of displeasure, then get out.

 

He seems all too eager to lay the blame at your feet. I don't think it belongs there at all.

[Professor X]

Whatever you do, don't base your future on the man he could be, base it on the man he is now.

Don't say "we'll get married, have kids, and if we have problems again, than we can always get counseling" or "I know he can be better than this!".

 

Unlike carhill, I don't see ANY fix in your future with said guy, you had a rocky RS and it still is and there's no reason it will ever change, cause you ruined the foundation of all RS.

 

I just hope you won't grow into those 40yo women who than realize they married the wrong guy and had kids with him.

[threebyfate]

btw, Three.. I see that pattern. You may have a very good point. I need to think on this and see if I can get to what is behind it.

Firstly, find out if this pattern has happened in prior relationships. If so, then you have to figure out if you're into project relationships where you end up "fixing" your partner. I'd recommend against since he doesn't appear to understand that he's recreating his comfort zone which might go back as far as his childhood and how his parents behaved.

 

We are products of our foundational environments. Otherwise, how else do we create the framework for relationships if not by osmosis and active teaching, during our formative years?

[loversquarrel]

If it isn't working after a total of four years then you may want to take a step back and re-evaluate the worth and health of this relationship. Judging by your posts you both quite simply seem not good for eachother. If you keep putting up with this boolshiit behavior then you have become part of the problem.

[RiverRunning]

OP, you're operating in the common belief system that jealousy is always a bad thing and that it is always motivated by irrational patterns of thinking. There is nothing irrational about feeling threatened when your own boyfriend says he's going to get closer to some woman just to spite you - is that not what he said? "It bothers you, and if it didn't, I wouldn't be getting closer to her"? The writing's on the wall: what an immature thing to do. "I see you're bothered, so I'm going to go ahead and do my best to bother you more."

 

You are right to have trust issues with this jack-ass: he takes off to return to his baby mama (sounds like he cheated on you there), then after he's had his fun, he comes to beg you back. And what is with this, "let's get back together and just forget what happened in the past?"

 

He betrayed YOU. He's the one who dumped YOU. If anything, the guy should still be rolling over and playing fetch in a bid to earn your trust again. HE dumped you (presumably cheated on you too) - he's the one who has to put in the work to right that wrong. You can't 'right' it for him by making everything convenient for him and not bringing up what he did to you.

 

OP, the only way I see this working is this: You think about all of the terms he needs to meet to stay with you (I don't buy the 'but I'm MARRIED! LOL!' bit for a minute. Plenty of married people cheat. If a relationship appears inappropriate, it is inappropriate regardless of whether or not one or both parties are matched up. That's just an excuse to lull you into a false sense of security, especially if her husband is frequently away).

 

You deliver these terms, like: "Your friendship with (x) makes me uncomfortable, so I would appreciate it if you ended your relationship with her." You need to be his priority and you are NOT being unreasonable. I could see it being unreasonable if they had been platonic friends since long before you started dating, and you were only now taking issue with it, but that's simply not the case. Your boyfriend is manipulating you to the moon.

 

If he can't meet your terms, OP, it's time for you to get out. I sense another betrayal on the horizon. Don't ever take him back again, as he will do this to you indefinitely.

[gaptoothsally]

this sounds really strange to me, thats for sure. if your bf really wanted to reassure you about this new friendship, he should want the two of you to become friends as well. the fact that he excludes you from their plans is outrageous not to mention suspicious. not to say that hes cheating on you but perhaps on an emotional level? Again, possibly not. but you definitely have every right to be skeptical especially if this is out of character for him.. i would probably go crazy lol.

and the fact that he has his ex on fb and not you to avoid drama is ridiculous! who cares if she goes balistic seeing you? its none of her business. he should be deleting her from his fb and his life. but about that married woman, maybe you should msg her about it? don't be rude, just have a woman-to-woman chat. maybe even meet up with her, get to know her, gain her trust.

[shayla]

This is shady. I would disappear and find a man that doesn't play games.

I went through this with my ex's "married" female friend. Turns out that her husband had died and she helped herself to him, all the while lying to me about who she was and who she was to him.

 

I'd save myself alot of grief and get out of this.