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Jealousy over Gf's sexual past


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Misterlittlejeans

I have known my gf for almost 20 years, we were first in love about 10 years ago, and have gotten together about 4 months ago again...We are both extremely happy and in love, and we have both never felt this way before...Considering she is a very attractive woman who has been dating for 15 years (age 33) and has never been in a longterm relationship, i find her number of a little more than twenty intercourse partners relatively easy to digest...she has however told me, that she has had oral sex with about 60 men...is that strange? How do i deal with obsessing over it, even if i know that we have sexually reached new peaks for both of us together? Is this number astronomically high for a modern woman?

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Philosoraptor

You must remember that who she was in the past doesn't mean that it who she is now. Also remember that it was the past and outside of STD risks, truly none of your concern.

 

Is it too many for you? If so then you need to leave. Otherwise you just need to accept that she has a past and you do as well. She is with you now and that past doesn't really matter.

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loversquarrel

I think that is a bit excessive and kind of nasty....That being said I could be with a woman like that, and love her. I just know I would be weary of her, never consider her seriously enough to settle down with, and lastly always have some doubt in the back of my mind as to her ability to remain faithful. Honestly, 60 guys speaks of impulsive behavior.

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I think that is a bit excessive and kind of nasty....That being said I could be with a woman like that, and love her. I just know I would be weary of her, never consider her seriously enough to settle down with, and lastly always have some doubt in the back of my mind as to her ability to remain faithful. Honestly, 60 guys speaks of impulsive behavior.

 

I think you should be up front with her about this if the two of you are in a relationship. She was honest with you and you should reciprocate that honesty. If she has no future with you she should be free to consider her options.

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Feelin Frisky

There is an awful lot of this on Love Shack lately. Guys have to develop some discipline of the mind and the feelings and if you're caught up in dwelling on your partner's past--some have even said they envision particular sex acts with other players when they are having sex and it disgusts them. To me this is a sign of "compulsive" pattern thinking that is probably a problem in other ways in a person's life. I'm big on seeing a psychiatrist, talking about it and experimenting with modern SSRI medication for a while to see if you can figure yourself out. I never had that particular compulsion but my use of SSRIs for depression gave me the presence of mind to DECIDE my feelings or decide to defer my feelings until I rationed out what I should be feeling. If you are so used to having your feelings run your life, it's not unusual to "blame" something because you're groping for reasons why you're having a recurrence of an intense and uncomfortable feeling. With the right correction to your brain chemistry you, like me, may achieve that all-important second to realize that your faced with a feelings issue and can choose to either entertain it or steer clear of it. You simply can't change anyone else's past to make it what you'd prefer to either say good bye or consider getting some modern help for a while to try to fix your compulsive over-reaction and fixations.

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Misterlittlejeans

Feelin Frisky, thank you for your astute comment. I one hundred percent agree with what you are saying. I no way do i think that I should be feeling like I do regarding my gf's past. But once you start thinking, it can be hard to stop, and i have had trouble falling asleep because of it lately. It's weird, it's feeling victimized by something that hasn't really got any business victimizing you. I do actually not think that the numbers are that excessive, rationally speaking, it's an average of 4 encounters per year, which is by todays standards pretty reasonable...

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loversquarrel
I think you should be up front with her about this if the two of you are in a relationship. She was honest with you and you should reciprocate that honesty. If she has no future with you she should be free to consider her options.

 

 

I agree with being up front. I said I could, because I have been in a relationship with someone like that. I didn't bring up her past, she did. I don't like talking about the past unless it is something that will effect the present or future.

As far as honesty goes....she chose to be honest about something I didn't ask....she also chose to be dishonest with numerous other things. I told her not to expect anything serious from me, so the ball was in her court. I have learned since this and other relationships that the past indeed is the best predictor of future behavior. I'm sorry but sleeping around whether man or woman, usually is an indicator of other underlying problems in my experience.

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RiverRunning

There is nothing wrong with having a preference about what you like your partner to have had in the past sexually (of course, this is assuming you're not a hypocrite - a guy who's had 20-something sexual partners shouldn't make it mandatory that his new beau be a virgin, nor should he condemn her for sleeping with a few people).

 

But if your preference is for a woman who hasn't had so many partners...maybe it's time for you to move on?

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loversquarrel
There is nothing wrong with having a preference about what you like your partner to have had in the past sexually (of course, this is assuming you're not a hypocrite - a guy who's had 20-something sexual partners shouldn't make it mandatory that his new beau be a virgin, nor should he condemn her for sleeping with a few people).

 

But if your preference is for a woman who hasn't had so many partners...maybe it's time for you to move on?

 

Exactly....very well put. I couldn't agree more. It's one more thing a couple can share...a like set of values.

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ıf I were in your case, I would ask myself that whether she is still in her past. Is she still contacting with these guys on her past? or being in emotional or physical bound with any of them? IF you think she is totally in to you , I think you can try to ignore her past.

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jnj express

You can't do anything about someone's past---you can't blame them for their past----and it now is up to you, what you are willing to tolerate in re:your own sub--conscious

 

She did nothing wrong, and if she is totally into your relationship, then you are the one with the problem. Knowing what you know, why did you let the relationship develope??????

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We are both extremely happy and in love, and we have both never felt this way before...

 

You're old enough to know how rare and special it is to truly connect with someone like that. It's up to you whether that's important enough to treasure, or to allow something (fears, insecurities, jealousies, uncertainties?) to get in the way of what you have together.

 

Her past experiences are part of the person she is today and are what have led her to the kind of relationship you two have together. If you are extremely happy together, then I don't see that her past is creating any ACTUAL problems between you (except potentially in your mind).

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Untouchable_Fire
You're old enough to know how rare and special it is to truly connect with someone like that. It's up to you whether that's important enough to treasure, or to allow something (fears, insecurities, jealousies, uncertainties?) to get in the way of what you have together.

Her past experiences are part of the person she is today and are what have led her to the kind of relationship you two have together. If you are extremely happy together, then I don't see that her past is creating any ACTUAL problems between you (except potentially in your mind).

 

I'm old enough to know that feeling isn't always healthy.

 

OP... at the end of the day YOU get to choose what kind of woman you want to be with. If you want someone a bit more like you in the promiscuity department... That's Ok.

 

Honestly if this really bugs the crap out of you... she probably isn't the one for you.

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Desensitized
Her past experiences are part of the person she is today and are what have led her to the kind of relationship you two have together.
I never get why people say this... her past sexual experiences does not in any way shape or form make her who she is today. Her past sexual experiences do not affect the way she acts, etc, etc. If a promiscuous person's past sexual experiences affect who the person is today, then yes, they are by all means a whore. And they should be labeled a whore from their past sexual experiences. But to say that someone's sexual experiences somehow magically affects a person's personality, that is laughable. A person will be who they are without having to screw a million people to find how who they really are.

 

OP, if it bothers you, break up with her. It's not worth being miserable for the rest of your life, or trying to deal with her sexual history, because your girlfriend decided to screw every guy that ever had interest in her. 60+ blowjobs? HAHA. So gross. How do you manage to kiss that?

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I never get why people say this... her past sexual experiences does not in any way shape or form make her who she is today. Her past sexual experiences do not affect the way she acts, etc, etc. If a promiscuous person's past sexual experiences affect who the person is today, then yes, they are by all means a whore. And they should be labeled a whore from their past sexual experiences. But to say that someone's sexual experiences somehow magically affects a person's personality, that is laughable. A person will be who they are without having to screw a million people to find how who they really are.

 

OP, if it bothers you, break up with her. It's not worth being miserable for the rest of your life, or trying to deal with her sexual history, because your girlfriend decided to screw every guy that ever had interest in her. 60+ blowjobs? HAHA. So gross. How do you manage to kiss that?

 

Living is a learning process.

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Desensitized
Living is a learning process.

 

Indeed it is. And yet some people do not learn after the first, second, third, or even 30th time! So maybe there isn't something to learn after all? People will be who they are. I'll never understand why the first love of my life screwed so many people (strangers too), but that's not my life to understand, so whatever. I guess some people are more into the animalistic lifestyle than others *shrug*

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