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Was it just my fault?


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I have been thinking about this over and over and still can't figure it out. Over 2 months ago we went out with my friends. My partner was dancing with my friend and we watched it on a big screen outside and we were all laughing because it was quite funny. He asked me if I want to go to dance but I didn't want and then changed my mind and went upstairs. There were 4 guys dancing and one of them put his arms around my shoulders. My partner could see it on the big screen and rushed upstairs to tell he is not liking this. I don't really like when people tell me what I can or cannot do so I stayed there for another 5 secs - just to prove my point because I felt I didn't do anything! He went a bit overboard and kicked chairs around. We all went home and my partner started screaming at me and calling me a slut ( he usually gets really loud when drunk and he does puts me down but I have chosen to live with that so I can't really complain. However he never called me a slut before and I didn't think I deserved it!) I called my good friend to take me out of our house because I know my partner would try to talk to me and it would have taken at least 1-2 hours for him to stop repenting himself and screaming. He picked me up and we talked about stupid stuff ( what could we talk when I was crying and still drunk). I don't even know how it happened but we kissed - the kiss was probably 3 sec long and we both reliazed that it was wrong. He then got me back home.

Week later my partner's best friend texted him that we made out. It was 3 years ago, he wanted to sleep with me but I didn't want to and the only thing we did was a normal kiss - not a french kiss! I did not tell my partner and he was really upset! - that's why I decided to tell him about the kiss with my good friend. I thought I would make it up and I didn't want any more secrets in our relationship.

We have stayed together and he promised that he will not call me a cheater and he will try to forgive me.

Our relationship is going down the hill and I would like to know if this is all my fault...I don't feel I am a cheater because I would never cheat if I wasn't pushed. My father cheated on my mum and I never wanted to be the same. Eventhou my mum always said that it wasn't just his fault. That there is always 2 in a relationship...am I a cheater??????

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am I a cheater??????

 

Yes.

You're also immature and I quite pity your BF. You danced with strange guys that had their arms around you after he told you he doesn't like it just to prove a point? Are you mentally challenged? Do you not realize you are in a RS?

You can NOT do whatever you want whenever you want, because your partner has feelings you MUST consider, and if you do something hurtful you have to stop, no, wait, you should never do something hurtful to begin with.

 

If you think it's to much to ask from you, than don't be in a RS.

 

Also, no1 pushed you to kiss your friend, that's 1 big bull****, or you gonna tell me someone pushed your father to cheat on your mom too?

 

If it was me, I'd probably dump you at that dance club the moment you decided to hurt me just to show me you can do whatever you want.

Edited by Professor X
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I was not dancing with any guys. I came to the dance floor and one of the guys put his hands around my shoulders. AFTER THAT my partner came up and said that he does not like it!!!! Did you actually read what I wrote?? I stayed there to prove the point that I am not going to do whatever you ask me to if you are jealous. I could not care less if some drunken girl had her arms around him. I trust him and that is it.

One more question: Would you be cool if your girlfriend called you a slut in front of your friends with no reason? Oh yeah, you would probably apologise to her that it was your fault that some drunken person put hands around you...I actually thought that people here can think - YOU SHOULD NOT CALL YOU PARTNER NAMES....then we don't have to run away and do stupid things.

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I was not dancing with any guys. I came to the dance floor and one of the guys put his hands around my shoulders. AFTER THAT my partner came up and said that he does not like it!!!! Did you actually read what I wrote?? I stayed there to prove the point that I am not going to do whatever you ask me to if you are jealous. I could not care less if some drunken girl had her arms around him. I trust him and that is it.

One more question: Would you be cool if your girlfriend called you a slut in front of your friends with no reason? Oh yeah, you would probably apologise to her that it was your fault that some drunken person put hands around you...I actually thought that people here can think - YOU SHOULD NOT CALL YOU PARTNER NAMES....then we don't have to run away and do stupid things.

 

You said, and I quote "he usually gets really loud when drunk and he does puts me down but I have chosen to live with that so I can't really complain" - YOU made a conscious decision to stay with this guy despite his shortcoming, not I. And no, I wouldn't be cool with it, than again, I wouldn't date anyone who could do such a thing.

 

And you danced with them, who cares who put hands on who? What you did was wrong and your BF got jealous, rightfully so, and instead of pushing them away, those STRANGE guys, you decided to belittle your BF in front of everyone, how mature.

Did he also agree to live with someone who lets strange men put their hands on her? Did he also make that conscious decision? I bet he didn't.

 

You're just a spoiled kid who thinks she deserves it all, well, I got news flash for ya, you don't.

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I stayed there to prove the point that I am not going to do whatever you ask me to if you are jealous.

 

I see what you're saying, you felt like your partner over-reacted. But a relationship is supposed to be a team effort, with you and your partner working together in each other's interests. Maybe he did over-react, but the bottom line is that he was upset, so you should respect that and walk away from the random guy. By all means tell him he's being daft, but staying where you are to prove a point is simply immature and disrespectful to your partner. I don't blame him for being angry.

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Professor X - Wow, I asked for an opinion - not for judging. Anyway I would like to thank you as I have just realised that my partner is not great when drunk but at least he does not try to be Mr. Knowitall...

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Squish

 

Thank you. I know I fu*ked it up big time but the only thing I wish for is that he would never bring it up again ... I just wanted to see more opinions... I would never cheat. It's not what I am like and it does hurt when I'm being called a cheat...

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I believe both of you are in the wrong. First off he should learn to control his emotions and I believed he expressed his anger in the wrong way. I'm pretty sure if he had approached you in a calm manner and told you that the guy having his arm around you made him uncomfortable and jealous you may have reacted differently.

 

However you are at fault too. In a serious relationship you guys should both display a level of committment and respect towards each other. You should understand that allowing RANDOM guys to put their arms around you is a violation of boundaries for most boyfriends. Also the fact that you kissed someone else other than your boyfriend is a big red flag. It shows that you may not me as committed to the relationship as you think. To withold that information from him as well would also show that you are not trust worthy. To be honest it sounds that both of you are emotionally immature. You seem to have committment issues..

 

But hey, relationships all past, present, and future serve as lessons where we learn more about ourselves.

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I would never cheat. It's not what I am like and it does hurt when I'm being called a cheat...

 

Telling you the truth doesn't equate to me saying I know it all, that is first.

2nd, the way you wrote your OP and still write now shows you don't really comprehend the severity of what you did - "just a kiss" or "I would never cheat" - AFTER you did it, as if you are living in a euphoria.

Moreover, you act as if he forced you to it, as if you had all the right reasons to, as if you are justified to do it because of x,y,z.

 

Grown people take responsibility for their actions, and I think it's the difference between kids and grown up.

 

If you want to save your RS I suggest you start by taking responsibility for your actions, don't try and blame him for it. If you got issues with his behavior than its something completely different, but as you stated before, YOU have chosen to live with him despite his shortcomings.

 

If you think it's still judging you than whatever, I just hope you won't mind when he does the same things for ya, and if you don't (as in, you won't mind him kissing another chick), than one must wonder where do you draw the line and if you guys even love each other.

Edited by Professor X
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Stitch 702 Thank you. I think I have a lot of work to do. We should definitely respect each other more. I was just shocked that he over reacted in front of people. You made me think about the committment issues, which is the problem in my relationship...

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Professor X - telling me the truth? You don't know me so you have no right to call me a spoiled kid. You don't even know 1/2 of the story. None of the people, who also commented on this, have taken any side. They just try to explain for me to understand!

 

I do take responsibility for my actions - othewise I would not be here asking for opinions! My friends told me that he should have not done this as it DID push me to get out of my own house - NOT TO KISS ANOTHER GUY! If he didn't call me a slut - I would not have left the house...nothing would have happened. I don't think you can actually get this. You see just one side - the cheating side but there is ACTION -> REACTION.

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i bet you're hot. you know how i know? cause hot bitches like you are always egocentric sluts. letting other men touch them just to show everyone how they can do what the hell they want.

they go sleep with everyone just to be cool. wow, i am so jealous at your bf for finding such a "treasure". not that that maniac, cursing, anger management guy is a gem ye, but w/e. i guess you too fit one another.

obvious entitlement complex is obvious.:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

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He was wrong to get mad at you and call you names, but it doesn't give you a free pass to kiss anyone. I don't know if both of you kissed each other before quickly realising it was wrong, or if the friend kissed you and it took you a few seconds to react.

 

If it's the former I would really think about why I did it - was it because you were upset at your partner and drunk, or are there underlying problems in your relationship? If it's the latter you need to explain it to your partner. Unfortunately you can't control other people's actions, only your own, and hopefully he would understand that.

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WhyWontYouBe

 

I think someone hurt you in the past...and you are trying to get it out on here but this webside is for something else...and I will not go to your low level...poor little thing.

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Professor X - telling me the truth? You don't know me so you have no right to call me a spoiled kid. You don't even know 1/2 of the story. None of the people, who also commented on this, have taken any side. They just try to explain for me to understand!

 

I do take responsibility for my actions - othewise I would not be here asking for opinions! My friends told me that he should have not done this as it DID push me to get out of my own house - NOT TO KISS ANOTHER GUY! If he didn't call me a slut - I would not have left the house...nothing would have happened. I don't think you can actually get this. You see just one side - the cheating side but there is ACTION -> REACTION.

 

Yes, I don't know you, I know what you write here and I conclude based on variety of things such as: typing style, remorse if displayed, downplaying situations, ofc by what has happened, etc.

The fact it, you are still, to this very post, still defending and still justifying your actions.

Yes, there is something that is called action and reaction, but the action of yelling at you does not ask for a reaction in the sort of cheating. Not now and not ever.

I will tell you more, even if your BF would have cheated on you, it still wouldn't give you the right to cheat on him, unless ofc, you wish for a RS where you are just like 2 kids getting back at each other. No, in that case, the correct reaction would have to been to leave the sob.

 

While leaving the house was the correct reaction, or at the very least a good call by your side, kissing that other guy was NOT. And the fact that you keep trying to justify your "reaction" shows you do NOT take responsibility.

 

You wanna keep thinking otherwise, by all means, go a head, its your RS and your life to live, but even the others, who were less harsh than me, all said basically the same thing. You did NOT act accordingly and what you did was bad.

 

RS isn't a competition who can hurt the other more; If he pushes you, you don't push him back, you either tell him to stop and that it is unacceptable by you, or you just leave.

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Squish

 

My friend went for the kiss first. It was my fault for returning kiss back. I was drunk, hurt and didn't think straight. I have no excuse for this. It was my fault. I just wanted to know that the whole situation was / or was not my fault. I really thought that we were not getting back together because before I left we both said that our RS is over.

The next day he appologised for his behaviour but I could not take the kiss back and didn't know how to tell him and was waiting a week to tell him! I was scared that it will ruin everything but then I would rather have clear start than lie to him. The kiss didn't mean anything to me...and to be honest I still don't know why that happened...

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Professor X

 

Now we are talking...much easier to read ( and understand!) without calling me names or being rude.

 

I agree with all you wrote...I didn't have the right to kiss the guy back...this is for me to learn from...thank you.

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So you've told him about the kiss then, right? All you can do now is really make every effort with your partner to get things back on track. You seem to now realise what you did was wrong, make sure he knows that, and do everything you can to make your relationship a good one. Don't talk to that friend for a while, and make sure you and your partner communicate with each other.

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Squish

 

Yes, I told him a week after that happened. Communication will be my other topic!! He reminds me at least 3x a month about the kiss. I am getting tired of explaining the situation over and over...on the other side I guess I would do the same if he kissed someone else...

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If I read this correctly is that you have kissed other men separately on two other times while you were drunk behind your boyfriend's back. Has your boyfriend ever kissed other girls behind your back as well?

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We have stayed together and he promised that he will not call me a cheater and he will try to forgive me.

Our relationship is going down the hill and I would like to know if this is all my fault...I don't feel I am a cheater because I would never cheat if I wasn't pushed.

 

So you WOULD cheat if pushed?

 

But thats a moot point since you already DID cheat on him. Justify it all you want that it was ONLY a kiss. You cheated. Your boyfriend has a justifiable beef with you.

 

And you sit there another few seconds to taunt him on the dancefloor with another guy? Do him a favor and break up. That way you can play these childish games all you want. Stay away from committed relationships. You are not mature enough for them.

 

 

My father cheated on my mum and I never wanted to be the same. Eventhou my mum always said that it wasn't just his fault. That there is always 2 in a relationship...am I a cheater??????

 

Yes, if you kissed another guy. And if this is how you are, I can see your bf going ballistic.

 

But then again, he should have more self respect and leave the situation for someone that will respect him more.

 

He does need to control himself and not kick around chairs in public though.

Edited by nofool4u
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