both wrong? both right? or what? ANSWER

[diamondette]

who is wrong? or are they both? or neither?

 

a bf and gf are going out for several years, he had broken her trust in a big way (not cheated but lied about women alot to her in their first year) she has never broken a word, or lied! she wanted to go cinema with her male friend one evening (the bf has heard of the male friend, new his name, where they met, how long ago etc-nothing hidden) and so the gf told her bf about the cinema meeting a week prior to going-he said NO WAY! so without a second thought she cancelled on her friend. The bf has been messaging his long time ago EX gf on facebook ages and sending xxx after each message and asking the ex for her mobile number so that they could chat-to his defence he did tell the ex about the current gf. He DIDNT tell his current gf about this messaging she found out by snooping. The BF thinks cos they hadnt arranged to meet up he is innocent, even tho he had kept it from his current gf. Was the gf wrong for (openly) inviting a male friend to cinema? and was the bf wrong for hiding the fact he got back in contact with his ex and exchanging numbers and xxx's???

[Buck Turgidson]

You didn't even bother to ask whether you were wrong for snooping. I guess you must feel so justified that two wrongs make a right that it didn't even occur to you.

 

Cheating is wrong because it violates your partner's trust. Snooping violates that trust in precisely the same way. Maybe he behaved badly, but you were more wrong for violating his space. A relationship with no trust is not a relationship at all.

 

You're not wrong for inviting a friend out to the movies, but you are wrong for breaking the engagement; to allow an external other person to interfere with your friendship is not exactly what being a good and true friend is all about. You demonstrated that he can never count on you for anything, thus that you're not really a friend. Friends are loyal and dependable.

 

I'm concentrating on your bad behavior because I'm sure that others here will be only too glad to indulge your need to condemn your boyfriend.

[smudge21]

Me thinks the BF has some insecurity issues he needs to deal with. I mean, not allowing your girlfriend to have male friends and see them is a bit poor. She had male friends before him and will have male friends after him. I hate when that happens in any relationship, where one dictates who the other can see or speak to.

 

Plus, he's clearly keeping his options open by keeping in touch with the ex. I'd like to know why she became an ex. Did he cheat by any chance? Maybe on her with the current GF?

 

Honesty, trust, respect... a few words you might want to let them both hear.

[Saul Goodman]

The bf and the gf should probably have a little chat with each other. Air out all that dirty laundry on both sides.

 

No doubt that there is a lot to sort through.

[Woman In Blue]

Honestly, this is like the 4th or 5th post I've read from you concerning this jerk boyfriend of yours.

 

He has BOUNDARY ISSUES, Diamondette. He's had them from day one! He clearly already broke your trust with all his inappropriate behavior and he CONTINUES TO DO IT. And I'll be honest and tell you that I would NOT bet the farm that he hasn't cheated numerous times already. You just haven't CAUGHT him yet, that's all.

 

Why do you keep hanging onto this guy? Does he have you imprisoned in his basement and you're using a laptop to continually post to this website to let us know of his continual scumbag moves?

 

If that's not the case and you're free to go, then get RID of him already.

[diamondette]

thanks for the replys. and Women in Blue, it wasnt me (the gf) who wrote that, my BF wanted to write it in hope that everyone will agree with him and he can "prove to me that he isnt doing anything wrong"- he is also bipolar and has PTSD and depression from war (he is army) so he often cant see other peoples opinions etc

Edited September 5, 2011 by diamondette

[KathyM]

who is wrong? or are they both? or neither?

 

a bf and gf are going out for several years, he had broken her trust in a big way (not cheated but lied about women alot to her in their first year) she has never broken a word, or lied! she wanted to go cinema with her male friend one evening (the bf has heard of the male friend, new his name, where they met, how long ago etc-nothing hidden) and so the gf told her bf about the cinema meeting a week prior to going-he said NO WAY! so without a second thought she cancelled on her friend. The bf has been messaging his long time ago EX gf on facebook ages and sending xxx after each message and asking the ex for her mobile number so that they could chat-to his defence he did tell the ex about the current gf. He DIDNT tell his current gf about this messaging she found out by snooping. The BF thinks cos they hadnt arranged to meet up he is innocent, even tho he had kept it from his current gf. Was the gf wrong for (openly) inviting a male friend to cinema? and was the bf wrong for hiding the fact he got back in contact with his ex and exchanging numbers and xxx's???

Both wrong. If they actually want to have an exclusive relationship, they have to actually be exclusive. That means they don't have "dates" alone with friends of the opposite sex. They don't continue to contact their X and pretend they don't have a SO. The couple needs to either set boundaries in their relationship and stop this nonsense of keeping their options open, or they need to break up.

[make me believe]

The boyfriend showed his true colors in the first year. The girl had ALL of the warning signs & red flags she needed but still stuck around for some reason. So his current behavior is not at all surprising or inconsistent with his past behavior. It's still totally disrespectful & inappropriate. DUMP HIM.