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Am I overreacting?


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girlygirl2011

Hey all,

 

I have written before about these people but here we are again. Brief history is my boyfriend is long time (about 10 years or so) friends with these 2 sisters. They are very "sweet" but a little too much for me and can tend to be very overbearing and mothering. They were starting to dominate our time a few weeks ago and at the risk of being called jealous I went along with the visits but once they started organising the following three weeks in advance I put my foot down and explained to my boyfriend that it was too much. At first he seemed to not understand but after we spoke a bit he accepted. I told him that all it meant was that sometimes I would say no but he was free to go if he wanted.

 

This weekend for no fault of anyone's (probably just hormones!) I was feeling a bit down. My boyf was being a darling and very sweet trying to cheer me up but I was very teary and as the day went on I could see it was starting to get on his nerves which made me feel worse so I put on a brave face and off we went. We met with one set of friends on the saturday night which was good but due to me feeling a bit down - not great although I smiled and laughed along with everyone as much as possible.

 

THe following day we went for a day trip with the sisters and another male friend. Still feeling down, it wasn't the best day for me as I reckon I probably over exaggerated everything but..... to start off with I felt a bit left out as they often spoke about things that the 4 of them knew about but I didn't but I didn't react. Then when we arrived I had 2 bags to carry, one of the sisters only had 1 and my bf insisted on carrying it. I felt like a tool. Then she kept trying to carry one of my bags which made me feel even worse. There were a couple of times he got a bit shouty with me (nothing serious) and it culminated in me having a cry in the toilets as I just felt like a piece of dog poo. As the day went on I was more quiet and I think he could see, he started paying me more attention but I was trying so hard to be strong. At one point he whispered (we have plans to go to the cinema tomorrow with them) "do you want me to pretend I have plans on tuesday" and I said <no don't be silly> type thing. I am constantly battling between telling him how I feel (and sounding like a broken record, a weak person and jealous) or trying to be strong but hiding my feelings...

 

I listen to myself and there is clearly nothing wrong about his behaviour other than when he snapped at me which I will say something about as I did feel embarassed - but these girls really get on my nerves or more that he becomes all gallant when they are there (I'm not saying he doesn't do this to me he just does it less now obviously after 2 years) and they obviously love it but I feel like a real idiot sometimes.

 

Confused.... what do I do? Am I wrong?

 

:bunny:

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girlygirl2011

Ok so I noticed noone commented on the above post.

There's more to report.

 

I didn't say anything about the events on Sunday but through a weird twist of fate my boyf overheard me telling a friend that he really upset me on Sunday. It obviously struck a chord as on Monday he was being very attentive and sweet and I really appreciated it.

 

Yesterday we had plans to meet the sisters again with the same male friend of my bfs. In general my bf was being much more attentive than he had been on Sunday but during a couple of conversations, he totally attacked my point of view in quite an aggressive manner. I challenged him jokily about it and the second time even the sisters and his friend sort of backed me up against him (the sisters were all like "ahhh poor thing" to me) which was annoying for many reasons: 1) his behaviour is obviously evident to others so Im not over reacting, 2) what message does this convey to the outside world?

 

At this point I decided that when we were alone, it was time to bring it up.

 

After we dropped the sisters off, his male friend took the mickey out of them a bit (not uncommon, they are - as I have said before - VERY over the top, it takes about 15 minutes just to say goodbye and they keep saying thank you) we all laughed at the little joke and then I joined in with my own joke about them. My boyfriend totally snapped at me and told me off! At this point I snapped at him and said "come on, you do it and for another thing you've been taking the mick out me all night, get a sense of humour".

 

He didn't respond. We went up to our friend's flat for 5 minutes and I was sitting in silence preparing what I had to say to him. I could see he was nervous as he was trying to be all sweet. I told him we needed to speak in the car.

 

Whilst we were driving back, I very succinctly told him that I loved him dearly and thought he was an amazing guy. But that both on Sunday and tonight he had spoken to me in a way I found inappropriate, and it was something I wouldn't tolerate especially in public, especially with this people who I'm not 100% comfortable with and also in private. He accepted and told me to tell him when he did it again.

 

I am so glad I said something and am pleased with the way he responded.

 

I am still wary of these girls, why is he so defensive of them? I still think we see them too much but I have told him I want to see less of them and if he wants to hang out with them that's fine but they are too much for me.

 

I am scared of the unecessary pressure this is putting on our relationship but I do trust him to put us first.

 

Hope I am doing the right thing. Is there anything else I should be doing? Does anyone think this friendship is odd?

 

Thanks,

:bunny:

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Yes it's odd. I take it neither of these sisters is romantically involved? Are you and your BF their only social outlet?

 

Couldn't tell from your posts whether the situation is being aggravated by jealousy on your part or whether these sisters are just plain annoying? "Over the top" can mean many things, need clarification and specifics. How long has this situation been going on? Sorry if I missed it.

 

If you are finding that your outside social life with your BF is all group activities and never just you and him any more, you have every right to be annoyed.

 

It is unclear what "speaking to you inappropriately" is also as applied to your BF. What are the specifics?

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girlygirl2011

Hi Sanskrit,

 

Ok you are right to ask the questions I have left out so many details:

 

Neither of the sisters are romantically involved and yes we (me and my boyf) are their only social outlet (along with other friends of his).

 

I was wary of them from day 1 as they don't have other friends and more significantly, no female friends...

 

There is a bit of jealousy involved but they are "over the top" in that they are like old women trapped inside girl's bodies, they are constantly cooing over us "darling sweetie, can we make you food bring you water, thank you thank you thank you" as I said, saying goodbye is a chore, it always takes so long and I just don't have the patience!

 

Basically I emigrated here a year ago to be with my bf (he is actually my fiancè) and it has got worse as we spend more time with them. I have already explained to my bf that if we keep contact to once in a while, I can handle them, but too much and I can't... The problem is, as you said, we are their only friends, and they keep organising stuff. Anyway, I have started saying no to save my own sanity.

 

I mentioned to my bf that this weekend I wanted to do a couple of specific things and that I wanted SUnday to be just about us. Have realised that I have been a bit slow about asking for what I want too so am trying to make plans too.

 

As for speaking inappropriately - basically, he can be quite aggressive sometimes when he speaks to me, I have compared to it like a father telling off a naughty child. It's not the first time. His dad doesn't have much bedside manner and Im sure this is where it comes from, I know he doesn't mean it to be nasty, but I did have to call him on it because of how it makes me feel. Anyway, he was very good about it when I mentioned it.

 

:bunny:

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jnj express

You know the 2 of you DO NOT HAVE TO INVITE THE WORLD TO GO WITH YOU, WHEN YOU GO OUT!!!!!

 

What is wrong with just the 2 of you doing things together, alone---for much of the time

 

Yes, you do need friends, but don't get into situations, where the friends, can cause your relationship with your BF, to have problems

 

No matter what---your BF, should be placing you 1st in all interactions with others, he should be making sure---you are taken care of, well before he pays attention to others

 

If some of his friends, rub you the wrong way---you do not have to do things with them socially---just tell your BF-----either he puts you, and your wishes---FIRST AND FOREMOST---or tell him, he can find someone else to be with

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girlygirl2011

Thanks so much, I know you're completely right, I think I have a tendency to worry that I'm being a bitch but you're absolutely right, I DO come first and slowly I'm getting the assertiveness to speak up about it.

 

2 days have past since the cinema and I know he has taken on board what I have said (he is good like that) but as you said, it should be about us first and obviously me over anyone else.... Thanks, your post was empowering!

:bunny:

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