Cheating g/f - My head is melted with this .

[Karl2011]

OK,

 

My g/f was away for a year and we decided to keep on going out with e/o . I had said to her that if something happened ( i.e. if she got drunk and ended up with someone by mistake ) that it was alright . It turns out that I found out that she was with at least 10 guys while she was away !

 

When confronted with this she claims that I said it was alright and not to tell me if it happened . I said that she was twisting my words , I meant if she made a mistake, not to actively go out and seek it and write it down .

 

Now Im not a prude and a year is a long time away but I would think , if it was me , that after reaching a certain number I'd go " Hang on . This is a bit much . Out of respect I better inform my partner and let her decide what to do . "

 

She denied me choice , choice to leave and choice to be with other people which I didnt do when I had the chance . Plus I kept our apt going at great personal expense to myself and I now need her to be here to help me with the rent .

 

I got drunk one night and called her a whore . It wasnt a cool thing to do at all , but I was so blown away by all that happened I finally blew up , especially after she didnt even apologies properly for hurting my feelings and costing me financially . It was a stupid thing to I know but the pressure got too much . Im trying to move on and she says she loves me but I dont know its hard with the mental images in my head . Any advice ? Thanks.

[mo mo]

"I had said to her that if something happened ( i.e. if she got drunk and ended up with someone by mistake ) that it was alright ."

 

That, right there is where you went wrong. This whole thing is your fault and you know it. Don't try and play semantics with this, you should be fully aware that comment is open to interpretation since there are no clear boundaries of how many guys she could do it with, how often she should get drunk, etc.

 

Sorry it happened, but you really did cause this.

[mo mo]

On another note, 10 different guys over the course of a year is a bit much, boyfriend or no boyfriend. She really is not worth keeping around and you weren't far off when you called her a whore.

[PegNosePete]

Well you did give her permission no matter what word games you want to play, so technically she didn't do anything wrong. But on the other hand she can hardly really love you, if she went off and did this. So just dump her and move on, find someone who will respect you and your relationship rather than taking advantage of an opportunity.

[Chi townD]

No, what he said wasn't wrong, but just really stupid. She was wrong. We all have the ability to make choices in our lives. She CHOOSE to sleep with 10 different men. If she really loved you then she should have gotten really mad at you for even suggesting such a thing.

 

Sorry, to say this, but this girl doesn't really love you, as a matter of fact, even you said she only gave you a half hearted apology. I speculate that she keeps throwing it in your face that you gave her permission everytime you bring it up. As if the choices she made were your fault.

 

Time to move on, dude.

[stace79]

She didn't do anything wrong. If you love someone, why would you suggest that you see or sleep with other people anyway? If I were the girl, I'd assume you wanted to go off and date other people/sleep around, so I certainly wouldn't have been sitting home pining over you.

 

Actually, if you'd told me to see other people, I'd have just broken up with you entirely.

 

Your mistake was asking her to tell you about it. If you're not exclusive, then it really was none of your business. If you're not exclusive, she wasn't your girlfriend, thus she was not cheating.

 

In regard to her decision to sleep with 10 different men, well, that's a whole different issue.

[drifter777]

She didn't do anything wrong. If you love someone, why would you suggest that you see or sleep with other people anyway? If I were the girl, I'd assume you wanted to go off and date other people/sleep around, so I certainly wouldn't have been sitting home pining over you.

 

Actually, if you'd told me to see other people, I'd have just broken up with you entirely.

 

Your mistake was asking her to tell you about it. If you're not exclusive, then it really was none of your business. If you're not exclusive, she wasn't your girlfriend, thus she was not cheating.

 

In regard to her decision to sleep with 10 different men, well, that's a whole different issue.

 

Your girlfriend didn't do anything to violate your trust because you basically told her the relationship was "suspended" for the time she was gone. Now you are not happy with the way she whore'd around and most guys would feel the same. On the bright side, you've gotten a rare glimpse into the kind of person she really is and that's something most guys never get as girls always lie about the number of men they've screwed. If she says it was 10 than it was probably 20 and you need to decide if you can handle this knowledge. I don't want to start a debate on "how many is too many" because I think each person has their own criteria for determining this. If knowing how promiscuous she is bothers you then break it off now before you are married and/or have kids. Getting past this is probably going to be even tougher than you think so a clean break is likely the best choice for the both of you.

[Chi townD]

yeah, another thing to consider. Yeah, she may have been with 10 guys, but how many times? How many sexual incounters with each. If she slept with each guy three times. That means she had sex with different men 30 times. dude, drop this girl like a bad habit.

[stace79]

yeah, another thing to consider. Yeah, she may have been with 10 guys, but how many times? How many sexual incounters with each. If she slept with each guy three times. That means she had sex with different men 30 times. dude, drop this girl like a bad habit.

 

But I'm sure if this GUY had slept with 10 women, he'd be a stud, right?

[Professor X]

OK,

 

My g/f was away for a year and we decided to keep on going out with e/o . I had said to her that if something happened ( i.e. if she got drunk and ended up with someone by mistake ) that it was alright . It turns out that I found out that she was with at least 10 guys while she was away !

In other words, you told her it's okai if she'd sleep around with other men, mistake or not, you acknowledged those future actions, if she choose to do them; Oh and, there's no such thing as a mistake.

And once you told her you find if okai for her to sleep with others, she probably thought your not into her anymore (which is the only logical conclusion as to why you'd permit your SO to sleep around).

 

When confronted with this she claims that I said it was alright and not to tell me if it happened . I said that she was twisting my words , I meant if she made a mistake, not to actively go out and seek it and write it down .

No, she didn't twist your words, you just thought you're so smart that you could nit pick your words; That what you'd call "Playing with fire".

You don't want her to sleep around? tell her you don't want her to sleep around, not "it's okai if it's a mistake".

 

Now Im not a prude and a year is a long time away but I would think , if it was me , that after reaching a certain number I'd go " Hang on . This is a bit much . Out of respect I better inform my partner and let her decide what to do . "

?!?!?! after a certain number?! what??

Any number above ZERO is to high IMO; Are you in a RS or not? Can't you control your penis for a year? I know I can, and if it's really to much - porn.

 

She denied me choice , choice to leave and choice to be with other people which I didnt do when I had the chance . Plus I kept our apt going at great personal expense to myself and I now need her to be here to help me with the rent .

She didn't deny you anything, you gave her permission to screw around and she did.

 

I got drunk one night and called her a whore . It wasnt a cool thing to do at all , but I was so blown away by all that happened I finally blew up , especially after she didnt even apologies properly for hurting my feelings and costing me financially . It was a stupid thing to I know but the pressure got too much . Im trying to move on and she says she loves me but I dont know its hard with the mental images in my head . Any advice ? Thanks.

 

At the end of the day, you opened the door to this, but she was the one who choose to walk through it - so you're equally guilty.

You will never be able to forget what she did and the images of her being with 10 men will haunt you forever.

 

You two just nuked the **** out of each other, I can't see how you can save your RS; Time to move on.

[Chi townD]

But I'm sure if this GUY had slept with 10 women, he'd be a stud, right?

 

I think that society has gotten over that sterotype. Would you want to hook up with a guy that you heard hooked up with 10 women in less than a year because your curious to see what's under the hood or would you think that he's disgusting?

[stace79]

I think that society has gotten over that sterotype. Would you want to hook up with a guy that you heard hooked up with 10 women in less than a year because your curious to see what's under the hood or would you think that he's disgusting?

 

I would think it's disgusting, but I'm sure his buddies would think he's a macho man.

[John Michael Kane]

Well you did give her permission no matter what word games you want to play, so technically she didn't do anything wrong. But on the other hand she can hardly really love you, if she went off and did this. So just dump her and move on, find someone who will respect you and your relationship rather than taking advantage of an opportunity.

 

Best post so far. Own your mistake in this and learn from it. Dump the tramp and respect yourself and find a partner who will respect you and is mature.

[reservoirdog1]

I'm not going to pass judgment on her over the number thing. But what seems very clear is that you told her this SORT of thing was okay, but failed to define the terms properly. It's a bit late to say "what I really meant was ____".

 

Having said that, I'm guessing you weren't in her thoughts when she was sleeping with those other guys, so it sounds to me like the relationship is kind of an empty shell now anyway. You probably won't get over her activities during the year, so it's probably best to cut your losses and move on. Inconvenient though that may be. Life lesson painfully learned.

[stace79]

I think the real lesson here is that if you want to be exclusive, you should say you want to be exclusive.

 

I can't fathom why, if you really loved this girl, you would say it's "okay" to sleep with someone else. Clearly, that isn't what you meant, but it's almost like you were giving her some silly test or something.

[washguy74]

OK Karl, I think you're catching more grief here than you probably should, but it *was* a mistake to basically forgive her ahead of time for cheating (if she were to). You were either wanting to look magnanimous there, or treating her the way you'd like to be treated if you slipped up. A year is a long time.

 

However, I agree with you, she did take things too far, way too far. And at some point, any real grownup would be introspective enough to look at the mess, and think this just isn't fair. But that's not who she is, OR that's just not who she is in a relationship with you. Either way, dropping her would seem to be a great idea.

 

And you have to know at least some of the guys wanted to date her, and what did she say, "Oh I have boyfriend"? So one way or another, you were on her mind, she just didn't value your 'relationship' enough. I mean, was she saying "I love you" to you with that mouth?

[Karl2011]

On another note, 10 different guys over the course of a year is a bit much, boyfriend or no boyfriend. She really is not worth keeping around and you weren't far off when you called her a whore.

 

Thanks for the reply mo mo . I see yr point but as washguy said , at some point she really should have come clean . But perhaps yr right . Anyway Im in a bad sitcho right now cos I need her to help me out rent wise .

[Karl2011]

OK Karl, I think you're catching more grief here than you probably should, but it *was* a mistake to basically forgive her ahead of time for cheating (if she were to). You were either wanting to look magnanimous there, or treating her the way you'd like to be treated if you slipped up. A year is a long time.

 

However, I agree with you, she did take things too far, way too far. And at some point, any real grownup would be introspective enough to look at the mess, and think this just isn't fair. But that's not who she is, OR that's just not who she is in a relationship with you. Either way, dropping her would seem to be a great idea.

 

And you have to know at least some of the guys wanted to date her, and what did she say, "Oh I have boyfriend"? So one way or another, you were on her mind, she just didn't value your 'relationship' enough. I mean, was she saying "I love you" to you with that mouth?

 

 

Agreed . She shoulda been grown up enough to see thats not what I meant . Thanks for taking the time to comment man .

[Karl2011]

Thanks man . Yeah its time to move on but its a bit more complicated than that Im afraid .

[Karl2011]

No, what he said wasn't wrong, but just really stupid. She was wrong. We all have the ability to make choices in our lives. She CHOOSE to sleep with 10 different men. If she really loved you then she should have gotten really mad at you for even suggesting such a thing.

 

Sorry, to say this, but this girl doesn't really love you, as a matter of fact, even you said she only gave you a half hearted apology. I speculate that she keeps throwing it in your face that you gave her permission everytime you bring it up. As if the choices she made were your fault.

 

Time to move on, dude.

 

Wow ! Yr spot on Chi town ! She does keep throwing it back in my face . Thanks for taking the time to comment .

[Karl2011]

Thanks Stace for taking the time to reply . Still I think given the numbers involved she didnt need any encouragement ..........

 

Regards ,

 

K.

[Karl2011]

Ha ha thanks drifter . Boy howdy did I get a ' rare glimpse ' into someone's real life , its scared the sh-t out of me for future rships thats for sure . I appreciate y all taking the time to comment wheter I agree with it or not it helps me get it out of my own head .

 

Regards ,

 

K.

[Karl2011]

Fair enough Professor , I can see your point . Thanks man .

 

K.

[Karl2011]

Best post so far. Own your mistake in this and learn from it. Dump the tramp and respect yourself and find a partner who will respect you and is mature.

 

Thanks man . I think yeah I havent been respecting my self for a long time and I should date someone more mature not someone acting like a teenager . ' Own my mistake ' , good quote . Thanks again .

 

K.

[Karl2011]

I'm not going to pass judgment on her over the number thing. But what seems very clear is that you told her this SORT of thing was okay, but failed to define the terms properly. It's a bit late to say "what I really meant was ____".

 

Having said that, I'm guessing you weren't in her thoughts when she was sleeping with those other guys, so it sounds to me like the relationship is kind of an empty shell now anyway. You probably won't get over her activities during the year, so it's probably best to cut your losses and move on. Inconvenient though that may be. Life lesson painfully learned.

 

Thanks RD . Good points . It is a painful ( and costly ) lesson learnt.