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i am a guy from india.2 months back i got engaged to a girl in usa (indian girl born & brought up in usa).we r getting married in 1 month.its an arrange marriage.i like the girl very much and she says that even she likes me and not marrying me under any pressure.

recently she went on the bachelorette party with her friends and during the night she kissed a random guy in the pub.she said she was fully aware of what she was doing but just got carried away with the moment.she said she had drunk 5 glasses of wine but says it was not due to it.her friend came and pull her on side and told her what she is doing as she is getting married in 1 month.

she came & told me the entire situation and appoligise for her behaviour saying that she reallys regrets it and that shuch thing would not happen in future.she gave me the reason to kisss the guy as "i thought its my chance to enjoy before the marriage"

Before going to the party she had asked me for the permission and i told her that i completely trust her.now i feel sick .all the cards r distributed my parents and relatives r coming from india,i am in the middle of my residency training and am out of my mind.i have not gone to my work today because of that.

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shadowofman

Can't relate.

Not only would I never agree to an arranged marriage.

And besides the fact that I would never marry in the first place.

And besides the fact that your future wife probably looked really sexy while she was kissing that man.

But this also gives you the freedom to kiss someone else yourself.

 

You have to look on the bright side of things.

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PegNosePete

For me this would be an insta-dump offence. You told her that you trust her and she stomped all over that trust. Even if you want to stay with her, call off the wedding until you can rebuild your trust.

 

Who cares if all the cards are sent and airfares booked, this is your life you're talking about. Money comes and goes. Tell people ASAP so they can cancel and hopefully get refunds on their tickets.

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Woman In Blue

I don't know much about arranged marriages or your culture, but something tells me the woman probably gets the short end of the stick when it comes to romance and sex in marriage in your country.

 

She's probably just trying to see what romance and excitement are REALLY like before she becomes just another sexless being only there for your pleasure.

 

Ugh - where can I sign up for a lifetime of THAT?

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Alixinwonderland

I have to say that it's great that she was honest with you! Honesty, means alot to me, so I personally would take that into consideration. I feel as though most woman or men in this situation would have though their fiance would never find out about such an incedent and that they would hide it.

 

Although, who's to say she wouldn't do this again? What if she were to be put in this position again down the road. Would she have just been "caught up in the moment"? It raises alot of questions. Maybe talk to the friend that saw the whole scenario happen. See what her take is? I am all for second chances, and cheating is cheating whether it she had done more than kiss him or not. I think you should talk to her friend, and also think about your morals, decide on wether or not this is forgivable to you personally. If not, than maybe she's not right for you!

 

Good luck!

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Kinder-Horror

Because I cannot relate to the situation, the best thing I can say is at least she was honest! Honesty is hard enough to come by and she could have easily kept quiet about it. You have to follow your heart on this one - if you believe this was a one time offense, then it might be forgivable. Considering she told you, I am willing to believe her. Liars and cheaters typically have their own agenda and would probably go the dishonest route.

 

Also - she may say that the alcohol didn't make her do it (which is true, alcohol doesn't MAKE you do anything) but it still could have swayed her even slightly. Do you really think she would have gotten "carried away" if she was completely 100% sober?

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I know the only reason people who say they can't relate to this is because the OP mentioned arranged marriage, a big taboo in Western society. People today still get into big fights as adults over SO's kissing others.

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Kinder-Horror
I know the only reason people who say they can't relate to this is because the OP mentioned arranged marriage, a big taboo in Western society. People today still get into big fights as adults over SO's kissing others.

 

Agreed... but arranged marriage does change the game a little. It's still a respect issue, but we aren't sure how much of it is a "love" issue (as "I like the girl very much and she says she like me too" doesn't sound the same as "we chose to get married because we are in love." The latter would insinuate that he is hurt by her action because he LOVES her where as the former insinuates he would be hurt by her actions because of disrespect). So many people might find that she was respectful by at least telling her future husband - and he might be okay with that. Or he might not be.

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Agreed... but arranged marriage does change the game a little.
It doesn't. Most Western relationships are arranged whether it is by dating sites, friends, or family. It just isn't contractualized.

 

It's still a respect issue, but we aren't sure how much of it is a "love" issue (as "I like the girl very much and she says she like me too" doesn't sound the same as "we chose to get married because we are in love." The latter would insinuate that he is hurt by her action because he LOVES her where as the former insinuates he would be hurt by her actions because of disrespect). So many people might find that she was respectful by at least telling her future husband - and he might be okay with that. Or he might not be.

All that matters is that it was a violation of fidelity and trust which are most important to a relationship. Without those the relationship doesn't exist.

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Kinder-Horror
It doesn't. Most Western relationships are arranged whether it is by dating sites, friends, or family. It just isn't contractualized.

 

 

You truly believe that two people meeting on a dating site and deciding to get married is the same as the arranged marriage he is talking about?

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You truly believe that two people meeting on a dating site and deciding to get married is the same as the arranged marriage he is talking about?

With some of the sites it is.

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You should have expected this. Women in the West are whores. You should have stuck with a nice girl from India. Still that doesn't guarantee a faithful woman but you would have had better luck. She has also probably already had sex as well.

 

Who the hell r u to call American women whores? U r disrespectin my friends my sista, my mother. Shut ur dam mouth.

 

Ok so Indian dude, u know what, she was cool enuf 2 ask ur permission b4 goin 2 the party, she knew she made a mistake, she was up front n honest. U know what? That is rare, she RESPECTS u. Yea she f**ked up big time but she wont lie to you. She knew the fall out cud be HUGE, like, u mite call off the weddin, tell her parents, ur parents, all that, but she thought bein honest was worth it. Lets face it noone is perfect we all make mistakes she made one rite here but she was upfront n respected u 2 much to lie. And That, my man, is gold.

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hoping2heal

This is tough.

 

She did something she really should not have BUT

 

1. She came to you and told you, instead of hiding it.

2. She did not make excuses for her behavior

 

She made a mistake but she held herself accountable, she did not blame it on anything other than herself. That is a really, really good thing. On the other hand, she kissed some guy. I guess boundaries and expectations should be discussed.

 

I do not personally appreciate the rude comment some people have made about the women becoming sex slaves. That happens plenty in America and I do not understand the judgement simply because someone has a different culture and the other person is ignorant about it.

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i am a guy from india.2 months back i got engaged to a girl in usa (indian girl born & brought up in usa).we r getting married in 1 month.its an arrange marriage.i like the girl very much and she says that even she likes me and not marrying me under any pressure.

recently she went on the bachelorette party with her friends and during the night she kissed a random guy in the pub.she said she was fully aware of what she was doing but just got carried away with the moment.she said she had drunk 5 glasses of wine but says it was not due to it.her friend came and pull her on side and told her what she is doing as she is getting married in 1 month.

she came & told me the entire situation and appoligise for her behaviour saying that she reallys regrets it and that shuch thing would not happen in future.she gave me the reason to kisss the guy as "i thought its my chance to enjoy before the marriage"

Before going to the party she had asked me for the permission and i told her that i completely trust her.now i feel sick .all the cards r distributed my parents and relatives r coming from india,i am in the middle of my residency training and am out of my mind.i have not gone to my work today because of that.

 

Actions speak the loudest- She's a cheater, I don't know when that will change, sure as hell ain't an overnight process. Choose what type of people you want to be with. Live in the now.

 

Also, never feel obligated to do something you don't want, that's part of being your own individual. If you are against something and don't want to really do it, then no matter what, don't do it, take the plunge, in the long run you will be happier doing what you really want.

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This is tough.

 

She did something she really should not have BUT

 

1. She came to you and told you, instead of hiding it.

2. She did not make excuses for her behavior

 

She made a mistake but she held herself accountable, she did not blame it on anything other than herself. That is a really, really good thing. On the other hand, she kissed some guy. I guess boundaries and expectations should be discussed.

 

I do not personally appreciate the rude comment some people have made about the women becoming sex slaves. That happens plenty in America and I do not understand the judgement simply because someone has a different culture and the other person is ignorant about it.

 

I have to agree with 1 & 2. Gotta give it to the girl that she has one thing that goes far more than all the bullsh8t you guys are pinpointing here. She was honest and out on her free will told you the truth. Now, it is up to you what you are willing to accept or not.

 

Based on your culture and the nature of your R, your M may not be one where the both of you are "deeply and madly in love with one another" but if this was the core value of marriage when it comes to your heritage, such arrangements would have never existed. In your "world" there is more to a R than just little red thingys flying.

 

The rest of the comment from others are simply- IGNORANT.

 

Study a bit more about other cultures before you all sound like uneducated fools. Hints- Indian, arranged marriage, religion, culture... He gave you the background, so what's the problem of understanding that there are different cultures with different principals?

 

BeginAgain, what's the matter with you? Tell us why you're mad.:rolleyes:

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With some of the sites it is.

 

 

*facepalm*

 

Ok....

 

You're perhaps confusing it with "Mail Order Brides" which are not part of any culture but more of "can't beat it, join it" of human trafficking. It's a business, not part of "Western Culture" which btw, is redefined when it comes to politics, economy & religion. Besides, this is mostly common in Russia & Asia.

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Well... i only care about facts here... and the undeniable fact is that she cheated on you, plain and simple. Yes, it´s noble of her that she told you the truth but telling the truth doesn´t make you any less of a cheater.

 

I don´t care about culture, country, family arrangements and so on... if i was about to get married and my fiance kissed another guy the wedding is cancelled until further notice... most likely for good.

 

You do not want nor deserve to see her walking down the aisle and be thinking about her drunken kisses with another guy during the ceremony , or be wondering when it will happen again after you are married to her.

 

Call me old school but to me a fiance kissing another guy is a deal breaker. maybe it´s just me.

Edited by ccfan
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I must be feeling soft and easy this Sunday, but I would count it as a one-off, and would continue on with the wedding. The rate of divorce is amazingly low among Indian marriages (1.1%), and Indian brides tend to immerse themselves completely into homemaking, child rearing, and total dedication towards their husbands.

 

Men are often advised to "sow their wild oats" prior to marriage, and perhaps this single kiss should be equated to as the same. She took responsibility, she was honest, and I venture to guess that she will not ever contemplate straying, provided that you are a kind and loving partner to her in return for her care and her companionship and efforts.

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Memphis Raines
i am a guy from india.2 months back i got engaged to a girl in usa (indian girl born & brought up in usa).we r getting married in 1 month.its an arrange marriage.i like the girl very much and she says that even she likes me and not marrying me under any pressure.

recently she went on the bachelorette party with her friends and during the night she kissed a random guy in the pub.

 

dump her

 

 

she said she was fully aware of what she was doing but just got carried away with the moment.

 

well there will be other times she will get carried away with the moment.

 

dump her.

 

 

she said she had drunk 5 glasses of wine but says it was not due to it.her friend came and pull her on side and told her what she is doing as she is getting married in 1 month.

she came & told me the entire situation and appoligise for her behaviour saying that she reallys regrets it and that shuch thing would not happen in future.

 

the only way she can guarantee, with her character, that it will not happen in the future, is if she stays her butt at home and doesn't go out with "the girls".

 

 

 

she gave me the reason to kisss the guy as "i thought its my chance to enjoy before the marriage"

 

then she isn't fit for marriage.

 

 

Before going to the party she had asked me for the permission and i told her that i completely trust her.now i feel sick .all the cards r distributed my parents and relatives r coming from india,i am in the middle of my residency training and am out of my mind.i have not gone to my work today because of that.

 

aha, in the middle of your residency. You are a gold mine for her. Get someone you can trust. Otherwise I can see you getting divorced in the future and she takes half of the assets with her.

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