1357 Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 I was involved in a long term relationship. Over a year. Madly in love. Thought the world of him, and things were perfect. He goes on Holidays overseas and in, just past a week.. He kisses another girl. He told me a short time after appearing distant. Something was wrong, and i could tell he was avoiding me. When he told me, (online) my heart just shattered. I've never felt so hurt in my entire life. We talked, and i asked questions. He didn't know why he did it. He intended to simply wish her a good night, after spending the day together as friends. He said that it was nice for him at the time, to get some interest from a girl like her. But after he realised what he did... He was deeply upset, and said it was the greatest mistake of his life. He was a wreck about it. As, was i. I said i needed distance. He said he will do anything to fix it. He has been regretful, and i am just in so much pain. Can this be fixed. How can i trust him again? Is it true, once a cheater always a cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Hi, welcome to the site. Sorry for your situation. He didn't know why he did it. He intended to simply wish her a good night No, he didn't. He intended to kiss her. He was in control of his actions. He did not have a gun to his head did he? He said that it was nice for him at the time, to get some interest from a girl like her. Well there you go. So he does know why he did it, after all: because he wanted to. He just can't admit to you. But after he realised what he did... He was deeply upset, and said it was the greatest mistake of his life. He realized exactly what he was doing at the time, not "after". When exactly is "after he realized what he did" according to him? 5 seconds? An hour? The next morning..?!? It wasn't a mistake, it was a choice he made. How do you know it stopped at a kiss? A cheater will often give the "trickle truth", that is, confessing their sins slowly one at a time to make them not seem so bad. He will gain your forgiveness and judge your reaction to the kiss, before deciding whether to reveal the next part. What is he doing to regain your trust? (Actions not words) Does he still have any contact with her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1357 Posted February 15, 2011 Author Share Posted February 15, 2011 Thankyou for your response. You're right, i suppose he did it because he wanted to. I just don't understand how a man, who is so inlove with me and promised great things for us.. could do that. It was only a kiss, though. No more. He was completely honest, in telling me everything. Any question i asked, he answered.. no matter how painful the response was. He was a wreck telling me and (it appeared) in as much pain, as i was. He is returning soon. It was only a pre-planned short trip. He said that he has no contact with her, and will never speak to her again. He spoke to her, once, after to ask what exactly had happened.. I don't know how he will gain my trust. Like i said, "he said that he will do anything." However, you're right in saying that those are just words. In terms of actions, He said that he won't be with another woman for atleast a year, in terms of kissing or any attachment.. But how could i possibly believe that, after it all? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Can this be fixed. How can i trust him again? Is it true, once a cheater always a cheater. Welcome to LS. My sympathies.... 1. Yes, it can be 'fixed'. It's up to both of you to fix it. 2. Yes, you can trust again, but it will take time and effort on both your parts. His first and most important step is to follow up with his 'online confession' with an immediate personal visit to solidify his intentions. If he's unwilling (unable is not an excuse), erase him. 3. No, once a cheater is not necessarily always a cheater, if the person has learned better boundaries from the process. In this instance, he's taken step one, disclosure. Other steps await. Only time will tell if one-time cheating is his path or not. Questions: How many times in the past year of LDR have you pressed flesh? Had sex? Performed actions of commitment and love in person? What does 'He said that he won't be with another woman for at least a year, in terms of kissing or any attachment' mean? Will he be stationed at the South Pole or something, with all men? Was this woman a stranger to him? He called her 'a friend'. People don't become 'friends' in a day. What does 'friend' mean to him, based on your knowledge of his friendships? After a year, you must have a plan to be together with him, else a LDR is just a fruitless pursuit. What's the plan? Link to post Share on other sites
Eclypse Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 So he's promising he won't cheat for at least another year? Sounds like a keeper. Link to post Share on other sites
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