jamesmadison Posted September 26, 2003 Share Posted September 26, 2003 Hey guys really quick and really simple...Just need to know if I'm a dummy or not: My girl and i live together, 4 great years etc etc. She breaks up with me 2 months ago to "Find herself" she claims she's not sure about where she's going, she loves me, it hurts her to do it, she doesn't wanna do it but she's confused etc etc BUT no money to move out just yet. So we distance ourselves from each other. Done. All the time she seems loving, snuggly, mixed signal type of stuff. I'm going insane the whole time. She plans a trip to San fransico with her bestfriend, her bestfriend's hubby and some other guy her best friend knows. (i happen to know that this guy likes my girl, but she doesn't like him back she says, she hadn't told me he was going at first because she was afraid i'd be mad)THEN, she confronts me the week before her trip and tells me she doesn't wanna split she loves me...wants to grow old with me, spend the rest of her life with me. we get closer, we kiss, we have sex, and she goes on her trip. My problem is, i'm struggling with the whole trip thing. Part of me thinks, if she really loved me, she wouldn't have gone on the trip. We just (i Thought) got back together and she leaves the next day. I kick myself for telling her it didn't bother me that she went, but i wanted to show her that i'm not jealous. But now, i'm afraid stuff might happen. What if they get drunk or party or whatever. It's hard for me to trust her love for me with all that's happened in the past 2 months. Am i dumb for hanging around in this relationship? i love her very much.. Link to post Share on other sites
FERSHEEZY Posted September 26, 2003 Share Posted September 26, 2003 well.....hmmm....i guess it depends on the reason for the trip. just to get away or business or what? sounds kind of odd. if she said she wanted to get back together with you then my question is did she even ask you to come along? you may not have been able to anyways but an invite would've been nice, no? Link to post Share on other sites
jamesmadison Posted September 26, 2003 Share Posted September 26, 2003 No, she didn't invite me along, the trip is just for fun, to see a concert. She had made the decision to go, after we had broken up, but yeah, i thought it would have been nice if she had asked me to go. PLUS, she said she would call, but she hasn't called me yet, it's been two days. I think all four of them are sharing a room, maybe that's why i'm buggin'. Link to post Share on other sites
bryanp Posted September 26, 2003 Share Posted September 26, 2003 I just want to see if I have this right. After your girlfriend broke up with you she comes back to you and tells you she loves you. She then does not invite you on a trip to San Francisco with another couple and a guy who likes her a lot and they are staying in the same room together. She does not even call you for the past two days. It sounds to me like you are being played. The fact that she did not invite you, continue to go on this trip, did not bother to even call you, hang with another guy and a couple in the same rooms says a great deal to me. She sounds like a cakewoman to me which is a person who likes to have a boyfriend but also enjoys other people at the same time. How do you think she would have reacted if the roles were reversed. It is inexcusable that she has not called. My guess is that there is a lot of drinking and fun going on. It just sounds to me like your are Mr. safetynet guy. I could not imagine having my girlfriend do this to me. It certainly does not sound like a girl who is totally in love with you but this is just my opinion. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
jamesmadison Posted September 26, 2003 Share Posted September 26, 2003 i know i know i know, i sound like i'm stupid right??? An f**kin idiot. I just love this girl, i love so much, but maybe i'm just wasting my time. The whole reason for the break up was because she felt she needed to get out and wanted to spend time with friends more, becuase she always gave her time to me...But i always pushed for her to hang out and have her time, HER space. I just don't see how you could forget to call, i would always always find a way to call or let her know i was alright. Whatever man. I'm just at that point where i'm wondering if i should break it off with her when she gets back tomorrow. It sucks but maybe we DO need to be apart. Am i overexaggerating?? Link to post Share on other sites
bryanp Posted September 27, 2003 Share Posted September 27, 2003 Hello again, Look you are not stupid and you not an idiot. You are guy who is in love with a girl who is not as much in love with you as you are with her. Words sometimes are just words. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. The point was she broke up with you before to "find herself" and when she wanted to return she knew you would take her back. I agree with you that the fact she could not find anytime to call you is a clear message where you are on her priority list. If you loved someone you would be calling at least once a day. I think she knows you are hooked on her and she can do what she pleases and can come back to you and say she loves and be intimate with you and you will remain hooked. It is just my opinion but she is showing you total disrespect by not calling at the very least. The fact that she did not call, went on this trip, broke up with you previously all indicates to me nothing but trouble in the future. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
jamesmadison Posted September 29, 2003 Share Posted September 29, 2003 Okay Bryan, Hope you read this..... What do i do know? She ended up calling me from her trip 5 times the next day but i missed her calls(they were all i love you, i miss you messages) and she finally came home and said she was never going to leave again, she missed me the whole time, she's sorry she went but felt obligated to go since she had already said she was going over a month ago, hated the company the whole time and confessed her love to me and again said that she was sooo stupid to try and leave what we have. She begged me to try and make this work and change things and make a brand new start, if i want to. What do i do when she lays all that out on the table.?? Of course i say okay. But I don't know, there's always going to be that fear that she will change her mind again and get unhappy. But if we try hard as we can to make things work best for both of us and change things and make things more independent but more loving, Do you think that would be a bad idea? I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
bryanp Posted September 29, 2003 Share Posted September 29, 2003 Hello James: I would give it a shot. She did call and seems remorseful. I would be willing to give it another try but as Ronald Reagan once said: Trust but verify. Again actions speak louder than words. If she is truly committed she will prove herself over time and you will feel confident againt. If you catch her in little lies and you have a gut feeling that something is wrong then cut her loose. Again let her actions in the long term dictate what you want to do. A person's true feelings will come out over time. In short, I wish you luck James and wish you happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
jamesmadison Posted September 29, 2003 Share Posted September 29, 2003 Bryan, you are the freakin best, Man. You rule. And thanks to all of you who have helped with my problem, i swear, if you guys ever need help with any problems, let me know...I'm actually(believe it or not) the one amongst my peers that people come to if they need help or if they got a problem. But when it happens to you, you're almost lost. My Last Question to you Bryan and to all of you is, How can i make things better and interesting to keep her interested and into wanting to make a brand new start. Any ideas on how to keep things FUN in a reconciled relationship? Without going backwards? I mean, i don't want to go backwards, i want things to change too, for me and for her. Just little thoughtful things ya know, i mean i'm a pretty romantic person, i feel like in the past 4 years, i'm running out of ideas. Anything would help. Thanks again guys. Link to post Share on other sites
bryanp Posted September 30, 2003 Share Posted September 30, 2003 Hello James: (I am into government and James Madison was my favorite) You sound happy and I am glad to hear it. It is natural over time for people to take each other for granted and things start to get a little stale. I have been with my girlfriend for 3 1/2 years now and I have developed something that really works for me so maybe it can work for you. Once every two weeks my girlfriend and I have a special mystery night. I suggest what type of clothes to wear for the evening and I take her on a mystery date. We may go to dinner, a movie, a park, museum, jazz cafe, etc. The point is that it is exciting not knowing where you are going and most people love surprises. It has really worked for me and I do enjoy picking out neat out of the way places. It has also forced me to become more inventive in choosing where we go and thus makes me more interesting as a person and more attractive to her. In fact, she tells her girlfriends what I do and they are so envious because their boyfriends do nothing for them. Again this is just a suggestion and I hope it works for you. Lots of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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