Is an BS always necessary a victim?

[PlayfulRuddy]

Though I've never cheated on a woman before, I was tempted several ocassions on a past relationship (I broke it off way before it got to that point) and my current GF.

 

Okay so I would never do that but aren't there times in which the BS isn't completely a victim afterall as portraited?

 

If cheating on my part took place (I will not, but I'm making up an if situation only) I wouldn't really see her as the ''poor victim''.

[january2010]

Your life choices are exactly that: your. life. choices.

 

A BS doesn't get to choose whether you cheat or not.

Edited December 26, 2010 by january2010

[PlayfulRuddy]

A BS doesn't get the choice of whether you cheat or not.

I agree but most of the times they don't even bother examining their own negative qualities that might had played a role in your cheating.

In the end it's always the WS doing most of the work while the BS can sit back and do nothing but cry about being a victim when some aren't.

 

My cousin's GF cheated on him but IMO he halfway deserved it for being neglectful and not even knowing how to kiss right. Well he would be a very awkward person too.

[TaraMaiden]

Nice little Trolling technique you have there.....

[Woman In Blue]

In the end it's always the WS doing most of the work while the BS can sit back and do nothing but cry about being a victim when some aren't.

You're obviously young or have very little life experience. Before making such a ludicrous (and unfound) statement, go read some of the infidelity message boards and see the bullsh*t most betrayed spouses have to go through in the course of reconciliation - while the wandering spouse acts as though nothing's changed and they go right on their merry way. The betrayed has to deal with so many devastating things like trickle truth, triggers, wondering if their entire marriage has been a farce, etc. etc. etc.

 

Don't make immature statements when you have absolutely no clue what you're talking about.

 

My cousin's GF cheated on him but IMO he halfway deserved it for being neglectful and not even knowing how to kiss right. Well he would be a very awkward person too.[/

What grade are you in? You're either a troll or a dumbass 18 year old.

[TaraMaiden]

He's a dumbass 18-year-old troll, silly....

[PlayfulRuddy]

Nice little Trolling technique you have there.....

If I was trolling wouldn't my thread by way longer and there would be a background at least?

 

I don't even bother going on public forum writing about my life and previous relationships. Why? It's pointless and I can solve it on my own.

 

I'm was only wondering in general if a BS is always the ''poor, defendless victim''. I believe in judging other by applying the ''case by case'' method.

 

There are cases where the BS were unbearable, obnoxious (even verbally or emotionally abusive) people in the first place and yet they see nothing wrong with their own abysmal behaviors.

[PlayfulRuddy]

You're obviously young or have very little life experience. Before making such a ludicrous (and unfound) statement, go read some of the infidelity message boards and see the bullsh*t most betrayed spouses have to go through in the course of reconciliation - while the wandering spouse acts as though nothing's changed and they go right on their merry way. The betrayed has to deal with so many devastating things like trickle truth, triggers, wondering if their entire marriage has been a farce, etc. etc. etc.

 

Don't make immature statements when you have absolutely no clue what you're talking about.

It is understandable and I wasn't saying they don't have to go through hell with this but not all cases are like this. There are some BS who aren't completely innocent people. I think you should read the words correctly before assuming I'm an ignorant in regards to cheating. My cousin wasn't always a nice people and I heard him once yelling at his GF. This isn't how you treat a woman and yet when she cheated it was all about her and not his previous horrible behaviors?

What grade are you in? You're either a troll or a dumbass 18 year old.

I'm a 19 year-old college student but I know all about relationships and how they function. I don't go on cheating but neither have a woman cheated on me. Why? They would lose because for two reasons. Her cheating would barely affect my reasoning and I can proceed on finding a woman worth fighting for.

 

Lastly, a woman is different from us. A woman is more likely to cheat for emotional reaons than physical so there are some reasons behind it (there are always exceptions but I'm talking in general).

[TaraMaiden]

I'm a 19 year-old college student but I know all about relationships and how they function.

No you don't or you wouldn't write rubbish like this.

 

Lastly, a woman is different from us. A woman is more likely to cheat for emotional reaons than physical so there are some reasons behind it (there are always exceptions but I'm talking in general).

 

you think you know 'all about relationships' but trust me - you have no idea.

 

There are as many different behaviours, motives and actions in relationships as there are people in relationships.

That is to say, you have to evaluate each one, on its own merits.

 

And right now, you need to evaluate your attitude towards your poor GF because right now, if she's miserable, you have more than a hand in it.

You should be so proud of yourself.... Not.

Seriously, I'd finish with her, for her sake.

[PlayfulRuddy]

And right now, you need to evaluate your attitude towards your poor GF because right now, if she's miserable, you have more than a hand in it.

You should be so proud of yourself.... Not.

Seriously, I'd finish with her, for her sake.

I will be breaking up after New Year as there isn't any fun with her. I'm tired of being her shoulders to cry on and her episodic phases.

 

I don't know if in person or by letter would be better. She will start the crying again and I just don't want to hear it.

[january2010]

I will be breaking up after New Year as there isn't any fun with her. I'm tired of being her shoulders to cry on and her episodic phases.

 

I don't know if in person or by letter would be better. She will start the crying again and I just don't want to hear it.

 

Make your last act an honourable one - do it face-to-face.

[PlayfulRuddy]

Make your last act an honourable one - do it face-to-face.

What if she starts crying hysterically and keeps on holding my arms, begging me not to go?

 

I tried to break up with her once and she wouldn't stop crying saying life means nothing without me.

I felt bad for her so I stayed out of pity but to tell you the truth don't really think I'm in love with her (never really was). I just loved/liked her but not with those tantrums she throws.

 

I was thinking she would change anytime soon and the relationship would become more exciting but don't see that happening.

[january2010]

What if she starts crying hysterically and keeps on holding my arms, begging me not to go?

 

What if you break up with her by letter and she turns up unannounced at your home/school/etc.? What if she ambushes someone you know? What if she bombards you with numerous texts?

 

We couldn't possibly anticipate all the "what ifs?" and prepare you for all of them. You've already decided to break up with her. All you have to do is get on with it.

 

Unfortunately, there's no easy way to break up with someone. She's going to be upset. But you can try to spare her some pain by not listing her faults.

Edited December 26, 2010 by january2010

[TaraMaiden]

As posted in your other thread.

Grow a spine, grow some balls, have some honourable redeeming features, please, and do it F2F.

 

Secondly - don't wait.

Why keep her hanging on in ignorance (ie, unaware of what you are going to do)?

 

Why be that Ignorant (ie deliberately hurtful and obtuse, and frankly pig-headed)?

[112233]

Your life choices are exactly that: your. life. choices.

 

A BS doesn't get to choose whether you cheat or not.

 

Overly simplistic.

 

The OP doesn't have any idea yet what a real relationship is but the fact is that anything that's lasted a few years or more almost always takes two to maintain and two contribute to tearing it down.

 

The concept that we can shift the whole blame onto whoever cracks first under the pressure is silly.

[PlayfulRuddy]

Unfortunately, there's no easy way to break up with someone. She's going to be upset. But you can try to spare her some pain by not listing her faults.

I'll keep it as short as possible when breaking up with her. I will just tell her that the relationship isn't working out and we're not on the same page.

 

I'm not into giving detailed explanations (unless it involves gossiping and hanging out with my male friends at clubs on my spare time) and like to keep things as simple as possible.

[january2010]

Overly simplistic.

 

The OP doesn't have any idea yet what a real relationship is but the fact is that anything that's lasted a few years or more almost always takes two to maintain and two contribute to tearing it down.

 

The concept that we can shift the whole blame onto whoever cracks first under the pressure is silly.

 

If we follow your claim that, "the OP doesn't have any idea yet what a real relationship is," then simple terms are best, no?

 

With all due respect, one person's opinion is not fact.

 

The concept that the blame for indiscretion(s) should be shared by both partners is silly.

 

I'll keep it as short as possible when breaking up with her. I will just tell her that the relationship isn't working out and we're not on the same page.

 

I'm not into giving detailed explanations (unless it involves gossiping and hanging out with my male friends at clubs on my spare time) and like to keep things as simple as possible.

 

That sounds like a plan. Good luck!

Edited December 26, 2010 by january2010

[PlayfulRuddy]

As posted in your other thread.

Grow a spine, grow some balls, have some honourable redeeming features, please, and do it F2F.

I think I'll do it by tomorrow in the afternoon. At least that's better than if I had cheated way before.

Secondly - don't wait.

Why keep her hanging on in ignorance (ie, unaware of what you are going to do)?

Why be that Ignorant (ie deliberately hurtful and obtuse, and frankly pig-headed)?

I think as men it's within our nature not to see a woman get hurt on special ocassions but don't care anymore. I had enough of her sensitivity.

[PlayfulRuddy]

That sounds like a plan. Good luck!

Thank you and now it's time to for me to enjoy being single again.

[PlayfulRuddy]

The OP doesn't have any idea yet what a real relationship is but the fact is that anything that's lasted a few years or more almost always takes two to maintain and two contribute to tearing it down.

 

The concept that we can shift the whole blame onto whoever cracks first under the pressure is silly.

My longest relationship, which is this one lasted a year so that's quite some time.

 

All I was stating in simple terms is that sometimes there is a cause why some people cheat. It's not always because they wanted to but something else that was lacking within the relationship and the BS might have been inconsiderate.

I know this is not always the case and there are people who are selfish cheaters by nature (no matter how great a relationship is) but realistically this only applies to the minority.

[Nightsky]

Relationships are built on trust. Cheating isn’t the only way to break trust. Even if the betrayed spouse disrespected the relationship it does not absolve the cheating spouse. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

[112233]

The concept that the blame for indiscretion(s) should be shared by both partners is silly.

 

I respectfully disagree, I believe it's dependent on the individual case, however the concept that the failed relationship is due to the "indiscretion" and that therefore one person is to blame for the failed relationship is so sophomoric it's almost silly.

 

Confusing a symptom with the cause, it's like saying grandpa died of a headache instead of seeing it was the brain tumor that caused both.

[PlayfulRuddy]

Relationships are built on trust. Cheating isn’t the only way to break trust. Even if the betrayed spouse disrespected the relationship it does not absolve the cheating spouse. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

No it doesn't but why would the cheating spouse be held responsible for the complete downfall of the relationship?

 

I can understand if a man had an almost perfect marriage and there was nothing missing but decided to still cheat. This would be the case of a pure, selfish cheater.

 

However if the reason behind the cheating was due to the BS's personality flaws or deeper issues then there should be some understanding instead of being completely on the BS's side and portraiting them as the sole victim in the story. Some aren't even nice when you meet them in person. It's then you start wondering if the WS is right in taking full blame and working on rebuilding the relationship/marriage or if they should split up for good.

Edited December 26, 2010 by PlayfulRuddy

[112233]

However if the reason behind the cheating was due to the BS's personality flaws or deeper issues then there should be some understanding instead of being completely on the BS's side and portraiting them as the sole victim in the story.

 

My view is that the cheating is still wrong, but there is the good possibility there is a whole bucket of wrong in the relationship and the cheating is part of that bucketful. More than likely in any long term relationship gone sideways, both sides have worked on filling that bucket.

[PlayfulRuddy]

My view is that the cheating is still wrong, but there is the good possibility there is a whole bucket of wrong in the relationship and the cheating is part of that bucketful. More than likely in any long term relationship gone sideways, both sides have worked on filling that bucket.

You just explained my view towards cheating. This is the same way I feel about it. I would never cheat but I can see why it happens sometimes.

 

It seems many times a BS can do many wrongs or even at times be verbally abusive but they're still considered good, exemplary people with morals.

However if an spouse has been great as a person but only cheated once, they are immediately discarded from the ''nice'' list and even compared to murders, rapists, or burglars. This makes no sense at at.