Too much detail about intimacy w/an Ex

[vexed]

So the other night, my boyfriend of 5 months and I got pretty drunk at his apartment--we had a lot of fun that night. He is my first serious relationship and first sexual partner. I love him very much and so thankful to have him in my life. (I am his 5th serious relationship, and about his 10th sexual partner.) I thought I would be ok with knowing he has had previous sexual partners, but something about the night we got drunk, and I asked him if he has ever had sex with another woman without using protection. He was very honest with me (I'm sure the alcohol helped) and said yes. I asked to tell me about it, in detail. He asked me if I was sure (quite a few times) throughout telling me the details of the night. I insisted that he talk to me as if I were a good guy-friend of his, and he did. He proceeded to tell me that this "hot" woman and him had a weekend-stand (he was potentially interested in a relationship, she was not). In "the heat of the moment" she apparently initiated sex before he could put on a condom. He told me that "it was pretty hot". While he was telling me the story, it really didn't phase me, and I wanted to know how much he would be willing to tell me..I suppose I was a little surprised he was willing to share so much.

 

It wasn't until the day after that I really processed the tone with which he told me about this weekend-stand--how "hot" it was. He even described how beautiful the shape of her breasts was. It really hit me hard, and for some reason I can't seem to separate this past (2-3 years ago) with the fact that he is with me and loves me and wants only to be with me now. I guess I feel a little insulted, insecure, jealous that he had unprotected sex with essentially a one night stand with beautiful breasts. But at the same time, I did ask for details..I am really confused and feel distanced from him right now. I have told him how I feel and said I needed some time to think this through. He said he was very sorry for what he said and he wants to do anything he can to show he deeply sorry he is for hurting me. I know he is genuinely sincere in his apology, but I still feel hurt and distanced from him.

 

Am I getting what I asked for or do my feelings sound justified?

 

Backstory: We used to work at the same company for about a year, from 2008-2009. He was in a relationship at the time so remained amicable, yet mutually interested in one another. He left the place I still continue to work at--but came back in March of 2010 to ask me out. He said he had wanted to ask me out for a long time, but feared rejection. He says that is in love with me and also feels blessed to have me in his life. I know our love for each other is strong, and we respect one another very much.

Edited September 29, 2010 by vexed

[New Again]

He showed a poor lack of judgement in giving in to your requests and disclosing so much personal information to you that frankly is not your business (IMO).

 

However, you got exactly what you asked for.

 

Hopefully this is a lesson learned for both of you.

[reservoirdog1]

Wow, talk about a case of "be careful what you wish for, because you might get it."

 

Your feelings are your feelings, and as such are valid. Lots of people don't want to know in gory detail about their partner's past sexual experiences. Many would feel insulted, insecure, and jealous.

 

Having said that... you asked. And while your feelings may be understandable, getting upset at your BF (and expecting ongoing apologies and what's basically "punishment" of him) is not.

 

He probably should have refused to get into it with you, if for no other reason than the consequences would have been obvious to people who weren't drunk. However, from what you wrote, drunk or not, at least he only told you after trying to make sure you really, really wanted to know. Which apparently you did, in graphic, locker-room detail no less.

 

Here's what you need to do: find somebody other than your BF to talk to about how this made you feel. A close girlfriend or a counselor. Your BF doesn't owe you an apology for telling you what he told you. Simultaneously, decide -- and quickly -- whether or not you can at least put this behind you in the presence of your BF.

 

If you can't, and if you're going to feel the need to keep bringing it up with him, your relationship is going to have a problem. Because if you keep bringing it up, it's going to poison the relationship.

 

And, yes... let this experience be a lesson to you.

Edited September 30, 2010 by reservoirdog1

[vexed]

Thank you for the prompt responses. I appreciate the honesty. reservoirdog1- I definitely don't expect ongoing apologies, I totally take responsibility for being insistent.

 

I think I may have some issues to get over--for some reason I am very curious about the details of past relationships, I feel like it will tell me more about who he is as a person and as a partner. Doesn't this seem like an accurate assumption? This curiosity can't solely be rooted in insecurity, right?

 

I've gotten advice from a close GF who has said some similar stuff--and that "opening the Ex-files" so to speak, is risky, and as I have learned, potentially painful territory.

 

I suppose it's up to me now to get past my potentially issue of insecurity and realize what we have now and want for the future is to continue our relationship.

 

From a male perspective, do you think he would still want to be together if I assure him I can get past this?

 

Sidebar: IMO= In my opinion? Is that right?

[reservoirdog1]

I think I may have some issues to get over--for some reason I am very curious about the details of past relationships, I feel like it will tell me more about who he is as a person and as a partner. Doesn't this seem like an accurate assumption? This curiosity can't solely be rooted in insecurity, right?

 

To be honest with you, it does sound primarily like an insecurity/jealousy thing. There's not much information you're going to learn about him as a person from his past relationships, because none of his past relationships are going to be like the one you have with him. That's because each relationship is a combination of two unique individuals. And that's doubly true when you're talking about the intimate sexual details of those past relationships.

 

In my view, the only things a person NEEDS to know about their partner's past relationships are:

 

1. Did the partner's past relationships produce children?

2. Did the partner cheat in those relationships?

3. Is the partner STD free?

4. Did any seriously bad things happen in those relationships that might have damaged or scarred the partner in some way?

5. Are any of those past partners still in your partner's life in a way that poses a threat to your relationship with them?

 

Beyond that, knowing intimate sexual details is of no benefit, and doesn't tell you anything particularly important about who he is. Nothing you couldn't find out anyway, just by going through the usual sexual discovery process between him and you. Which is supposed to be part of the fun of a relationship, isn't it?

 

From a male perspective, do you think he would still want to be together if I assure him I can get past this?

Yes, I think he likely would. As long as you're truthful when you give him that assurance, and your assurance translates into conduct on your part.

 

If you really want him to feel that your spoken assurance carries weight, tell him that you appreciate the caring and understanding he showed when you became bothered by this, that you've given it a lot of thought, and that you've realized that you and he each have pasts, and neither of you owes the other an explanation or an apology for your pasts. That's how most guys look at it, in my view, and it'll help if you're putting it in his terms.

 

Then, bury the issue, move on, and never raise it again with him.

 

Sidebar: IMO= In my opinion? Is that right?

Right.

Edited September 30, 2010 by reservoirdog1

[vexed]

reservoirdog1- you make a good point with regards to what "details" of past relationships are relevant to the present time. This makes me view my curiosity in a different light. I should be (and am) appreciative of the fact that he has shared the important things ie-no children, STI free, never cheated etc.

 

I view this now, more than anything, as a painful, unfortunate, yet valuable lesson.

 

Thank you so much for your input. This has been some of the most logical, helpful advice I've gotten in regards to my situation.

[make me believe]

I think I may have some issues to get over--for some reason I am very curious about the details of past relationships, I feel like it will tell me more about who he is as a person and as a partner. Doesn't this seem like an accurate assumption? This curiosity can't solely be rooted in insecurity, right?

 

Oh no.... noooo! Believe me, you are SO much better off not knowing the details of his past. When I was younger and much less experienced than I am now, I obsessed about my ex-boyfriend's past and wanted to know EVERYTHING. I mean, all of the gory details. It was completely rooted in insecurity. I didn't have as much experience as he did (and he was not even very experienced himself!), so I guess I wanted to know what I was "up against." Part of me must have felt like I had to compete with his past, and I wanted him to tell me that I was the prettiest girl he'd been with, the best sexual partner, etc etc.

 

But after having a few more boyfriends & more experience myself, I've realized that I don't dwell on MY past or compare my current BF to my ex's, so I have no reason to think that HE does that stuff either. Ya know?

 

And if you're honest with yourself, do you REALLY think that knowing all the details of his sexual & romantic past is going to help you understand him better? He was a different person then, in a different relationship, with a different person. It has nothing to do with you and your relationshp with him. And, really, does knowing that he once had unprotected sex with someone make you feel like you know him better?? (Actually, that may be a bad example because that info is pertinent as he could have contracted an STD...)

 

Anyway, I would be soo uncomfortable with the info that your BF shared with you... hearing him talk about another girl's breasts & what they did together would make me feel awful. But you DID ask, and unfortunately he wasn't smart enough to refuse to give you the details. So now just try to forget about it, and chalk it up to a painful lesson.

[Eeyore79]

I hope he's had an STD test since he had unprotected sex with this slut! If she did it with him, she probably did it with others too - god knows what he might have caught from her (and passed on to you).

 

If he hasn't been tested, you both need to go and get tested asap.

[PegNosePete]

she apparently initiated sex before he could put on a condom.

This part confuses me. Was he drugged, or unconscious? Was he restrained in some way that he could not act of his own accord? How can someone initiate sex "before" you can put on a condom? He had a choice to take 30 seconds to put one on, or to just let her go ahead without. To be honest that part of the story sounds a bit fishy, it's likely that he wanted to do it unprotected just as much as she did.

 

But yeah the others are right. Better not to know these details. Most likely he just said she initiated before he had a chance, to soften the blow a little for you. And you did get what you asked for... don't ask any more!

[Untouchable_Fire]

He showed a poor lack of judgement in giving in to your requests and disclosing so much personal information to you that frankly is not your business (IMO).

 

It wasn't judgment.... it was TRUST. This guy TRUSTED that what she told him was true... that she wanted to know and would not take issue.

 

She then BROKE that trust.

 

At no point did he make a bad choice.

 

Anyway, I would be soo uncomfortable with the info that your BF shared with you... hearing him talk about another girl's breasts & what they did together would make me feel awful. But you DID ask, and unfortunately he wasn't smart enough to refuse to give you the details. So now just try to forget about it, and chalk it up to a painful lesson.

 

WTF? Really?

 

So if a guy believes and trusts what you say... and you turn out to be a liar... it's HIS fault for trusting you?

 

Help me understand how that makes any sense?

[vexed]

PegNosePete

 

You're right he could have stopped her or done anything to take the matter of seconds it takes to put on a condom. He could have, but didn't. That is what it is, I suppose. I can't dwell on that though. The love I have for him is strong and I am going to choose to accept him, which includes accepting the past which is unchangeable. I know this sort of situation is present in millions of other relationships, the feelings of insecurity I suppose were compounded by the fact that he is a couple years older, more experienced, and him being my first relationship and partner.

Edited September 30, 2010 by vexed

[reservoirdog1]

It wasn't judgment.... it was TRUST. This guy TRUSTED that what she told him was true... that she wanted to know and would not take issue.

 

She then BROKE that trust.

 

At no point did he make a bad choice.

 

 

 

WTF? Really?

 

So if a guy believes and trusts what you say... and you turn out to be a liar... it's HIS fault for trusting you?

 

Help me understand how that makes any sense?

The problem, as I see it, is that, that night, vexed was bargaining and giving assurances on the basis of things she had no control over. Namely, her feelings. Basically, he was asking "promise you won't get mad?" And she was promising not to. Then the feelings arose in response to what he said, rightly or wrongly. So it's kind of a trust issue, but different from, e.g., trusting her to not cheat on him. Cheating would be completely within her control; feeling or not feeling a certain way isn't.

[reservoirdog1]

reservoirdog1- you make a good point with regards to what "details" of past relationships are relevant to the present time. This makes me view my curiosity in a different light. I should be (and am) appreciative of the fact that he has shared the important things ie-no children, STI free, never cheated etc.

 

I view this now, more than anything, as a painful, unfortunate, yet valuable lesson.

 

Thank you so much for your input. This has been some of the most logical, helpful advice I've gotten in regards to my situation.

Glad I was able to help.

 

Now, go hug him, already!!!

[grungesponge]

You can't really hold anything against him since you asked and now you are probably only reinforcing that he withhold things from you in the future. I can't understand why some people actually want to hear that stuff. I hate it when my gf spills even accidental details about her sexual past.

 

Your boyfriend made a bonehead move though. There is almost never a reason to go into details like that. He should have used better judgment and realized most people can't handle hearing stuff like that. It almost seems cruel to me, but maybe he is just a very blunt person.

[Untouchable_Fire]

The problem, as I see it, is that, that night, vexed was bargaining and giving assurances on the basis of things she had no control over. Namely, her feelings. Basically, he was asking "promise you won't get mad?" And she was promising not to. Then the feelings arose in response to what he said, rightly or wrongly. So it's kind of a trust issue, but different from, e.g., trusting her to not cheat on him. Cheating would be completely within her control; feeling or not feeling a certain way isn't.

 

That argument is a complete fail.

 

If she can't control her feelings... how am I supposed to control mine? I have to control my temper on a daily basis... isn't that a feeling?

 

She gave assurances that it would not be a problem... then proceeded to make a big stink about it the next day. Even having him apologize for trusting her word.

 

It's ridiculous behavior and she should be told how immature and ridiculous it is.

 

I assume she is fairly young and it's her first serious relationship... and as such a learning experience.

 

FYI... I don't think her BF will trust her with information from this point out.

[make me believe]

It wasn't judgment.... it was TRUST. This guy TRUSTED that what she told him was true... that she wanted to know and would not take issue.

 

She then BROKE that trust.

 

At no point did he make a bad choice.

 

 

 

WTF? Really?

 

So if a guy believes and trusts what you say... and you turn out to be a liar... it's HIS fault for trusting you?

 

Help me understand how that makes any sense?

 

I think calling her a liar is a bit much... Sure, she "promised" she wouldn't get mad, but as Reservoir said, you can't control your feelings, only the way that you act on them. So you controlling your temper everyday isn't really comparable. You probably still FEEL angry or annoyed, but you don't act on it. Similarly, the OP mentioned in one of her posts that she knows she can't punish her bf for this or keep bringing it up/demanding an apology. She knows he didn't do anything wrong, she just wants help dealing with her feelings. Apparently when she asked him these questions and promised not to get angry, she legitimately thought that knowing this information wouldn't bother her. A common mistake of inexperience, IMO.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I think calling her a liar is a bit much... Sure, she "promised" she wouldn't get mad, but as Reservoir said, you can't control your feelings, only the way that you act on them. So you controlling your temper everyday isn't really comparable. You probably still FEEL angry or annoyed, but you don't act on it. Similarly, the OP mentioned in one of her posts that she knows she can't punish her bf for this or keep bringing it up/demanding an apology. She knows he didn't do anything wrong, she just wants help dealing with her feelings. Apparently when she asked him these questions and promised not to get angry, she legitimately thought that knowing this information wouldn't bother her. A common mistake of inexperience, IMO.

 

She told him something that was untrue. That by definition is lying.

 

She had complete control over how she reacted to this. Calling her BF and getting him to apologize was a crap move. I realize she did that because of youth and inexperience... but she has to understand that it wasn't Ok. Also she needs to understand that choice will have repercussions later on, as he will no longer trust her with some information about his life.

 

So... while I somewhat agree with you... there was definitely some behavior choices that she should have controlled.