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Walked in on bf in bed with another woman..


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Hello everyone. I'm not exactly new here, I've posted many times a few years ago under a different name. Anyway, it's nice to be back and I appreciate all of your responses in advance.

I'll try to make this as short as possible.

 

I had been dating my bf for 3 years. We've both been married before, myself more recently than he, and I wanted to take things slow. We were very serious, I just wasn't ready to live with him yet. I have a lot of trust issues and always have with him, and for good reasons. Anyway, sometimes I would spend the night at his house, and I have keys to his house that he encouraged me to use all the time. He always liked it when I would come over in the morning while he was sleeping, and surprise him.

 

Needless to say, a few weeks ago, I did just that. I went to his house to surprise him. I saw a car in the driveway and my heart SANK. I knew exactly what I was about to see. When I tried to open the screen door, I discovered that he had locked it. So, I broke the screen door, and used my keys to unlock the door.

The first thing I saw when I walked in was a woman's purse. Then I went into his bedroom and saw him and a woman sleeping together in his bed. They weren't having sex (Thank God.. when I saw them anyway) but he was wearing only shorts, and I saw her bare upper arms and the rest of her body was covered with the blankets on the bed that they were sharing.

 

I'm not proud of what I'm about to say, but this is what happened next..

I flipped out and woke them both up by yelling " What in the hell are you doing?" He abruptly jumped out of bed and forced me out of the room. Well, things got ugly.. I punched him in the face several times, then headed toward the bedroom where the woman was.

 

I tried to get in the door and she was pushing it shut so I started kicking it and I yelled to her " are you f%^*#$% him? " Her answer was " does it look like I'm f-ing him?) By this time my bf thought I was going to attack this woman so he held me down on the couch until I couldn't breathe.

( Please go easy on me for acting like this.. I was just in so much emotional pain and shock that I wasn't acting rationally).

 

Anyway, bf told me that he and this woman are just friends. He said that he needed someone to talk to about our relationship and some questions that he had as to why I won't move in with him.. he claimed he couldn't get those answers from me, so he needed a female's perspective. I confided things in this man that no one else in the world knows, and he told her everything about me. He knew how important my confidence was, yet he broke it and he broke it to that woman who was in his bed.

 

I told him to get her out of the house so we could talk and he refused. So I sat there ( she's still in the bedroom at this time ) until I could somewhat calm down, and when he trusted that I wouldn't attack her, he had her come out and talk to me.

 

She parroted exactly what he said to me. She said they're just friends (they called each other best friends) and that sometimes she spends the night with him because she had a miscarriage at her house and she doesn't always feel like going home. She told me that they've spent a lot of time together, etc etc etc.. Neither admitted to having sex.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I really shortened it up. There's so much more to this story, but those are the basics. I did break up with him.

 

But, I just want someone’s opinion or as many opinions as possible as to whether you would believe this story or not? I'm in so much pain :(..

 

I don't believe it, and even if I did.. this "secret friendship" is such a betrayal to me, that it's something I'll never get over. Please be as honest as possible because I need honesty right now, and nothing could ever hurt me worse than what I've been going through.

Edited by NayWinter
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I don't believe a word of it, and yes, you were right to dump him.

Their talk sounded rehearsed.

But actions speak louder than words.

And she was in bed with him, and the door was locked.

 

Helloooo??

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I don't believe a word of it, and yes, you were right to dump him.

Their talk sounded rehearsed.

But actions speak louder than words.

And she was in bed with him, and the door was locked.

 

Helloooo??

 

Thank you for your honesty. I don't believe a word of it either. I thought exactly the same thing, the fact that they told me the exact same thing sounded rehearsed. He said he locked the door because I wouldn't understand that he had a "friend". I told him throughout our whole relationship that he could have female friends as long as he was honest with me. I even told him I wouldn't mind if she was Miss America, because I'm not a jealous person like that. So, he could have told me if he had a "friend that was a girl" (that he happens to sleep comfortably in bed with) and I would have been fine with it. Well, except for the sleeping together part. Anyway, thanks again.

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Anyway, bf told me that he and this woman are just friends. He said that he needed someone to talk to about our relationship and some questions that he had as to why I won't move in with him.. he claimed he couldn't get those answers from me...

 

I'm a bloke and trust me when I say that that is absolute cr*p, If they were in bed together she is more than just a friend !!

 

Stop being so tough on yourself for flipping out, the bloke sounds like he was being a bastard.

 

If he hasn't even got the stones to admit he was f*cking her then probably better of without him.

 

Better to find out he is not worth it now than later on after you've moved in together.

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It sounds like you have analyzed the situation exactly right, even though you are understandably in a state of high stress and extreme emotions.

 

They are almost certainly having sex. However, even in the very unlikely event they aren't, he has betrayed your trust by keeping a secret so-called best friend, whom he shares his bed with, spends a lot of time together with, and discusses intimate matters with (including matters between you and him), all while somehow making you believe that none of this was going on. Viewed that way, it hardly matters whether they are having sex. No one who has been your bf for 3 years could keep all that secret from you without working at keeping it a secret. This is a deep betrayal, no matter exactly what they have been doing in bed together. This man has proven that he cannot be trusted.

 

Unless there is some reason you want to go through years of work with him, and you know he actually wants to change, you will be best off dumping him and taking care of yourself.

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I'm a bloke and trust me when I say that that is absolute cr*p, If they were in bed together she is more than just a friend !!

 

Stop being so tough on yourself for flipping out, the bloke sounds like he was being a bastard.

 

If he hasn't even got the stones to admit he was f*cking her then probably better of without him.

 

Better to find out he is not worth it now than later on after you've moved in together.

 

Thank you so much. It always helps to have a man's opinion too. I feel like I'm dying inside :(. The only thing I don't understand is.. assuming that he is sleeping with her.. why did he cheat down? The woman knew he had a serious gf, so I wouldn't and shouldn't have anything nice to say about her.. but she's not an attractive woman at all. Maybe she is on the inside, but coming in between two people who were inlove (or so I thought) doesn't really make her attractive on the inside either.

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It sounds like you have analyzed the situation exactly right, even though you are understandably in a state of high stress and extreme emotions.

 

They are almost certainly having sex. However, even in the very unlikely event they aren't, he has betrayed your trust by keeping a secret so-called best friend, whom he shares his bed with, spends a lot of time together with, and discusses intimate matters with (including matters between you and him), all while somehow making you believe that none of this was going on. Viewed that way, it hardly matters whether they are having sex. No one who has been your bf for 3 years could keep all that secret from you without working at keeping it a secret. This is a deep betrayal, no matter exactly what they have been doing in bed together. This man has proven that he cannot be trusted.

 

Unless there is some reason you want to go through years of work with him, and you know he actually wants to change, you will be best off dumping him and taking care of yourself.

 

Thank you for your reply. You all are helping me more than you know. I appreciate it so much. I thought the same.. I tried to convince myself that even if he didn't actually have sex with her.. he still betrayed me beyond belief, after swearing to God and everyone else that he'd never do that. I don't think I could get over that, even if there was some way of proving to me that they weren't intimate.

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If I may say so, trying to figure out the why wherefore and what's about this, is frankly a waste of time. You might as well ask why HRH prince Charles preferred Camilla to Diana.

 

Really, the only thing you need to know, is that he decided to make it stop working between you two.

They both made a decision to sleep together, and as such, he made a decision at that point, to choose being with her, over being with you.

 

What you do with this information is up to you. But whatever you do, you need to move on, and take care of you.

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I feel like I'm dying inside :(

 

That will ease eventually, honestly, I know it probably doesn't feel like that now but it will.

 

The only thing I don't understand is.. assuming that he is sleeping with her.. why did he cheat down?

 

One of the things I have sometimes noticed from women who are cr*pped on is this, you seem to look at the other woman and (often quite rightly) get p*ssed off because the other woman is not as attractive as you. From a mans perspective, I'm pretty sure he WASN'T comparing, she was probably just available and easy.

 

The woman knew he had a serious gf

 

Probably meaningless, she wouldn't have been bothered one way or t'other, I'm sure you didn't figure in this at all for her.

 

Maybe she is on the inside, but coming in between two people who were inlove (or so I thought) doesn't really make her attractive on the inside either.

 

She may or may not be, point is he either wasn't in love ENOUGH with you to stop himself or he was but is very weak. Question for yourself is do you want to be with a man who is either of these things for the future or take it on the chin and wait for someone better.

 

Take care.

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If I may say so, trying to figure out the why wherefore and what's about this, is frankly a waste of time. You might as well ask why HRH prince Charles preferred Camilla to Diana.

 

Really, the only thing you need to know, is that he decided to make it stop working between you two.

They both made a decision to sleep together, and as such, he made a decision at that point, to choose being with her, over being with you.

 

What you do with this information is up to you. But whatever you do, you need to move on, and take care of you.

 

Yes, you're absolutely right. I shouldn't be wondering why or any of that. It's just that this is so new. I'm definitely not healed yet. Stupid things just keep playing over and over in my mind no matter how hard I try and forget it.

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She may or may not be, point is he either wasn't in love ENOUGH with you to stop himself or he was but is very weak. Question for yourself is do you want to be with a man who is either of these things for the future or take it on the chin and wait for someone better.

 

Take care.

 

No, I don't want to be with that man. Over these past few weeks I've come to realize that I don't love him, I love who I thought he was. At least that's where I'm at now.

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I love who I thought he was. At least that's where I'm at now.

 

I think you already have your head in a good place, you will be fine. As tara says "take care of you" for now.

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I'm trying really hard to take care of myself right now. It's just so hard. I won't even talk to family or friends about what happened because I'm embarassed. I've been alone in this from the beginning :(. I don't feel so alone now, thanks to everyone here, and I thank all of you so much.

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He said he locked the door because I wouldn't understand that he had a "friend". I told him throughout our whole relationship that he could have female friends as long as he was honest with me. I even told him I wouldn't mind if she was Miss America, because I'm not a jealous person like that. So, he could have told me if he had a "friend that was a girl" (that he happens to sleep comfortably in bed with) and I would have been fine with it.

 

 

 

Hi,

 

I am so sorry to hear about the pain he caused you. I am a 21 year old male, (therefore a bit naive when it comes to relationships) who gave all his trust to his gf of more than 2 years. My ex would check my phone, my emails, give people nasty looks who smiled at me. I thought it was just something all girls did...a sort of protecting their own sort of thing. Anyway, I never questioned her feelings for me and encouraged her to go out with her and her gfs, or guy friends. Always saying "Have fun" and not thinking negatively, I thought I had the perfect girl who would do anything for me if I needed it, and vice-a-versa. After a bad fight one month ago, in which she flirted with someone right in front of me at a bar, refused to let me go home, and repeatedly hit me (body and face) I almost snapped and hit her back. I composed my self, but realized I needed to learn patience. Anyway last week she went out 2 days after I spent the night with her for her mom's death anniversary, something that she begged me to do. That night I resisted every temptation from her and told her "I cant do anything out of respect for your mother." Two days later she went out hooked up, etc with a guy because I hadn't spoken to her the night before.(The rest of my experience is under "I love her but I don't believe her")

 

My point is that I understand your pain, and I commend you for being so strong. I wish I was able to let be like you and let go. He does not deserve you. I understand your story is 100x worse than mine, and that makes you a saint for not reacting worse than you did. Trust is the most important thing in our lives. Surprisingly, with so many friends, trust is the hardest to attain. The sad thing is I feel more comfortable talking to you all on this site.

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He said he locked the door because I wouldn't understand that he had a "friend". I told him throughout our whole relationship that he could have female friends as long as he was honest with me. I even told him I wouldn't mind if she was Miss America, because I'm not a jealous person like that. So, he could have told me if he had a "friend that was a girl" (that he happens to sleep comfortably in bed with) and I would have been fine with it.

 

 

 

Hi,

 

I am so sorry to hear about the pain he caused you. I am a 21 year old male, (therefore a bit naive when it comes to relationships) who gave all his trust to his gf of more than 2 years. My ex would check my phone, my emails, give people nasty looks who smiled at me. I thought it was just something all girls did...a sort of protecting their own sort of thing. Anyway, I never questioned her feelings for me and encouraged her to go out with her and her gfs, or guy friends. Always saying "Have fun" and not thinking negatively, I thought I had the perfect girl who would do anything for me if I needed it, and vice-a-versa. After a bad fight one month ago, in which she flirted with someone right in front of me at a bar, refused to let me go home, and repeatedly hit me (body and face) I almost snapped and hit her back. I composed my self, but realized I needed to learn patience. Anyway last week she went out 2 days after I spent the night with her for her mom's death anniversary, something that she begged me to do. That night I resisted every temptation from her and told her "I cant do anything out of respect for your mother." Two days later she went out hooked up, etc with a guy because I hadn't spoken to her the night before.(The rest of my experience is under "I love her but I don't believe her")

 

My point is that I understand your pain, and I commend you for being so strong. I wish I was able to let be like you and let go. He does not deserve you. I understand your story is 100x worse than mine, and that makes you a saint for not reacting worse than you did. Trust is the most important thing in our lives. Surprisingly, with so many friends, trust is the hardest to attain. The sad thing is I feel more comfortable talking to you all on this site.

 

I am so sorry for your pain. This is the kind of thing that hurts us so bad, we may never fully get over it. Just to correct you, I did break up with him, but I haven't let go yet :(. I mourn and cry every day for the person I was inlove with.. the person I thought he was. It's a battle for me everyday, and it's a very hard one. I'm not a cryer, but this has pretty much broken my spirit. Thank you for your kind words. I hope that both of us will come out of our experiences stronger and better people.

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I'm trying really hard to take care of myself right now. It's just so hard. I won't even talk to family or friends about what happened because I'm embarassed. I've been alone in this from the beginning :(. I don't feel so alone now, thanks to everyone here, and I thank all of you so much.

 

Don't be embarrassed. It is typical to feel embarrassed and bad when your partner cheats. This is connected to feeling that if you were better or if they loved you more, they would not have cheated. NOT TRUE. The truth is if your bf was a better person (more honest) he would not have cheated. If he didn't love you, he could have ended things with you. He is the one who behaved badly, not you.

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You did the right thing and yes in the beginning it will be hard to live without him, but when you feel weak and want to contact him replay the moment you walked in on them sleeping in bed together. When I wanted to run back to my ex I'd always reimagine everytime he called me a b*tch, slut, whore, etc. and the moment he left me. It helped me stay strong and learn to live without him. And I agree with everyone else, he definitely f*cked her.

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Screen door locked, purse in house, sleeping in same bed. I don't care what either of them say. He f*cked her. I'm sorry you had to go through this. Frankly, if that was me, I would have attacked both of them. Not only would I be pissed over the cheating, but also over the fact that he put your health at risk. Get tested for STDs ASAP.

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Screen door locked, purse in house, sleeping in same bed. I don't care what either of them say. He f*cked her. I'm sorry you had to go through this. Frankly, if that was me, I would have attacked both of them. Not only would I be pissed over the cheating, but also over the fact that he put your health at risk. Get tested for STDs ASAP.

 

Well, I tried to go after her.. but the bastard stopped me. He held me down on the couch so I couldn't get to her. Then he claimed (later) that he wasn't protecting her, that he didn't want me to have her image in my head more than it already was. YEAH.

 

I am pissed that he put my health at risk, even though he vehemently denies ever cheating on me. I made an appointment to get checked out because, obviously he's a liar and I don't believe a word he says.

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You did the right thing and yes in the beginning it will be hard to live without him, but when you feel weak and want to contact him replay the moment you walked in on them sleeping in bed together. When I wanted to run back to my ex I'd always reimagine everytime he called me a b*tch, slut, whore, etc. and the moment he left me. It helped me stay strong and learn to live without him. And I agree with everyone else, he definitely f*cked her.

 

Thanks, that's good advice. This guy also verbally abused me, so what you said to do, is what I've been doing so far.

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hey there

omigosh i can't believe what i'm reading. i went through almost the exact same thing 2 weeks ago when I walked in on my boyfriend of 8 years with another woman. (see my last post) he was naked and she was in shirt and t-shirt. i know because i pulled the covers off them.

 

i don't believe a word of what your bf (ex bf? ) is saying. they were in the same bed together, for god's sake! i don't care how they justify that, how would he react if he found you in that same situation? it makes me sick hearing that this was happening on a regular basis between them, and not a one time thing. even if there was a 1% chance that he actually did not sleep together, when you're in that sort of situation it takes one little second to cross that line and never return.

 

i'm going through the exact same pain right now and i know there are going to be times when you'll try and justify his actions and try to give him the benefit of the doubt. see, i had a key too, and he could have easily told me that he wouldn't give me full access if he was planning on cheating and bringing girls over to his place. but men are stupid and think they can get away with it. and i know to this day had i caught them in bed and just walked away, he would've still denied it and said they were just "talking in bed". this was @ midnight. that's why i had to pull the covers and risk seeing what i didn't want to see because there's no way he can lie to me when he's fully nude!

 

anyway, he could have left the door unlocked and had her sleep on the couch or sleep on the couch himself and give her the bed. at the very least. but this is definitely an emotional affair if not a physical one. what else did he do in the past that made you suspicious of him?

 

i'm so sorry to hear what happened to you. i feel like i'm reliving this nightmare all over again. its been 2 weeks for me and as you can see, i have to come on LS every night for support before i go to bed because it helps me stay strong and know that i'm doing the right thing by leaving him.

 

if you need to chat more, i'm hear to listen. sometimes it helps talking to someone who's going through the same thing. stay strong :)

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I'm not proud of what I'm about to say, but this is what happened next..

I flipped out and woke them both up by yelling " What in the hell are you doing?" He abruptly jumped out of bed and forced me out of the room. Well, things got ugly.. I punched him in the face several times, then headed toward the bedroom where the woman was.

 

so he pushed you out, or grabbed you and drug you out. Therefore it could be seen as self-defense since he touched you first.

In any case, you can consider that assault, so if he tried to get you arrested, he might want to think again.

 

 

I tried to get in the door and she was pushing it shut so I started kicking it and I yelled to her " are you f%^*#$% him? " Her answer was " does it look like I'm f-ing him?)

 

then why is her ass hiding in the bathroom? she may not have been effing him at that exact point, but they more than likely did at some point.

 

 

By this time my bf thought I was going to attack this woman so he held me down on the couch until I couldn't breathe.

( Please go easy on me for acting like this.. I was just in so much emotional pain and shock that I wasn't acting rationally).

 

although physical violence should never be condoned, the emotions that go through oneself when finding things like this out can sometimes take over. Your anger is understandable, just have to control yourself.

 

 

Anyway, bf told me that he and this woman are just friends.

 

your bf is a lying d!ckhead.

 

 

He said that he needed someone to talk to about our relationship and some questions that he had as to why I won't move in with him.. he claimed he couldn't get those answers from me, so he needed a female's perspective.

 

ya, maybe....sitting on a couch, or talking out on the porch. Not lying in bed.

 

he must think you are really stupid. I say tell him to eff off and go find a good man.

 

 

I told him to get her out of the house so we could talk and he refused.

 

BOOM, nuff said.....tell him he is history.

 

 

So I sat there ( she's still in the bedroom at this time ) until I could somewhat calm down, and when he trusted that I wouldn't attack her, he had her come out and talk to me.

 

She parroted exactly what he said to me. She said they're just friends (they called each other best friends) and that sometimes she spends the night with him because she had a miscarriage at her house and she doesn't always feel like going home.

 

OMG, what a load of s##t.

 

 

She told me that they've spent a lot of time together, etc etc etc.. Neither admitted to having sex.

 

i would have told them to keep spending that quality time together and you are gone.

 

 

But, I just want someone’s opinion or as many opinions as possible as to whether you would believe this story or not? I'm in so much pain :(..

 

 

no, this is a total bulls##t story. What do you think he would do if he found you lying in bed with another guy with the bare minimum on and you told him you were just confiding in him. He'd want to pound the s##t out of the guy.

 

 

I don't believe it, and even if I did.. this "secret friendship" is such a betrayal to me, that it's something I'll never get over. Please be as honest as possible because I need honesty right now, and nothing could ever hurt me worse than what I've been going through.

 

if he wasn't doing anything wrong, he would have told you about her and that she stays the night sometimes and that he talks to her all the time.

 

But he didn't tell you about her, or at the very least that she stays the night. why? because its inappropriate and he knows it.

 

But they ARE screwing each other. that you can be sure of. they are both so full of s##t they are backing up.

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hey there

omigosh i can't believe what i'm reading. i went through almost the exact same thing 2 weeks ago when I walked in on my boyfriend of 8 years with another woman. (see my last post) he was naked and she was in shirt and t-shirt. i know because i pulled the covers off them.

 

i don't believe a word of what your bf (ex bf? ) is saying. they were in the same bed together, for god's sake! i don't care how they justify that, how would he react if he found you in that same situation? it makes me sick hearing that this was happening on a regular basis between them, and not a one time thing. even if there was a 1% chance that he actually did not sleep together, when you're in that sort of situation it takes one little second to cross that line and never return.

 

i'm going through the exact same pain right now and i know there are going to be times when you'll try and justify his actions and try to give him the benefit of the doubt. see, i had a key too, and he could have easily told me that he wouldn't give me full access if he was planning on cheating and bringing girls over to his place. but men are stupid and think they can get away with it. and i know to this day had i caught them in bed and just walked away, he would've still denied it and said they were just "talking in bed". this was @ midnight. that's why i had to pull the covers and risk seeing what i didn't want to see because there's no way he can lie to me when he's fully nude!

 

anyway, he could have left the door unlocked and had her sleep on the couch or sleep on the couch himself and give her the bed. at the very least. but this is definitely an emotional affair if not a physical one. what else did he do in the past that made you suspicious of him?

 

i'm so sorry to hear what happened to you. i feel like i'm reliving this nightmare all over again. its been 2 weeks for me and as you can see, i have to come on LS every night for support before i go to bed because it helps me stay strong and know that i'm doing the right thing by leaving him.

 

if you need to chat more, i'm hear to listen. sometimes it helps talking to someone who's going through the same thing. stay strong :)

 

Thank you so much for your response. I'd like to read your thread, can you please post a link? Everything that you've said is exactly what I'm going through, it's everything that's going through my head. Wow, you really do feel my pain, and I'm sorry that you are going through this too :(.

 

God I wish I would have pulled the covers too. I just wasn't thinking at that moment. What I do know is that he was wearing only shorts ( not sure what was under those) and I saw her bare arms.. I think it looked like she was wearing a black tank top, but that could be my post-traumatic imagination.

 

The same question plagues me.. Why would he give me the keys and encourage me to come over anytime when he had this girl ( or girls) sleeping at his house on a regular basis? It just doesn't make sense.

 

Thanks for sharing your story with me. I'd PM you my email address, but I don't think I can PM yet.

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