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should I call the "other woman"????


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Hi, I have been living with a man for 2 years..recently I found a phone number of a girl in his phone contacts who was new....when I asked him who she was he said he couldnt remember why he put her in there or who she is...which is impossible!!...after a few weeks of telling him that that excuse only makes him look more guilty...noone forgets a new contact in one week. He has now admitted that it was someone he used to know and ran into one day...I know she called once..he admitted to that one call and then put her in his contacts??so why all the secrecy??? there must be something going on...but how do I find out?...I want to call her and just ask her...but not sure if that is the best way to handle this...I just want to know whats going on????

thankyou for any help.

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Ok. Are you his girlfriend, fiance or FWB? Living together does not imply permanence.

 

After you have mapped it out, how do you think it works for him?

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LucreziaBorgia

You can call her, but don't expect to get anything useful. If she wants to be with him, she will lie and deny in order to keep him. It seems the only time you will get anything useful is when the OW is angry and wants revenge on him - then you will get plenty.

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Woman In Blue

It definitely smacks of shady behavior that he's continually lied to you about this gal every time you asked. I've reconnected with male friends from my past through social networks or Classmates, etc. etc., and have never felt the need to "hide" that fact to my boyfriend.

 

As Lucrezia has said, most women won't spill their guts to you if they have a vested interest. She could be an old female friend or ex, or she could very well be a new lady he's met recently and was dumb enough to put her in his contact list. She might know he's committed or she might not know. There are so many different variables.

 

You could call her and ask how she got your boyfriend's number. She might say they're old friends and he gave it to her just like he admitted to you, or she might turn out to be a gal he just met who has no idea he has a girlfriend. And she could also be a gal he just met who DOES know he has a girlfriend. There are just so many different scenarios as to how this could play out. The bad part is that he may have already told this gal that you found her number and warned her that you might get it into your head to call her, so she may already be versed by him in what to tell you if you call.

 

It could just go too many different ways if you call.

 

In the interim, I'd keep my eyes peeled. When most people are caught up to no good, they usually just go more underground - they don't magically stop their bad behavior.

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No, don't call her. Here's why.

 

Let's assume for a moment that your SO is telling you the truth (despite you having to pull it out of him). If you start asking this woman accusatory questions and it turns out to be something pretty harmless, you'll look pretty silly.

 

Is it a possibility that he kept this from you because he felt that you would overreact and make something much bigger out of what this may be? Could he be afraid that you might jump to conclusions? Do you show patterns of insecurity and he's simply trying not to worry you to death? Some people hide things from people not because they're being deceitful, but rather to protect the other person.

 

I think the best course of action is to talk with SO and get to the bottom of this this way. If he is repeatedly dishonest with you (versus just in this instance), you may have a leg to stand on. But tell him what you're feeling and see what he says. Do you trust him? If not, you have other issues going on in your relationship. Or is it possible that you *may* be overreacting? I don't know since I obviously don't know you, but these are questions you need to ask yourself.

 

Maybe you and your SO need to be more open with one another and as a condition of that you perhaps need to learn to be less insecure (if that's your issue).

 

Just one possibility of many...

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it could seem like it might be me but actually I don't overreact

But he lies alot and I don't know what to make of it . He sometimes

Uses that excuse but he is the one lying and I have never freaked out

When he tells me the truth. I don't believe this is innocent but I want

To be sure. Maybe there is no way to be sure.

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Enchanted Girl

If I were you, I would say this ...

 

"Sorry for overreacting. You're right, I should have just trusted you. I want to make everything better between us and her. Maybe you could introduce her to me and the three of us could go out some time. I want to meet her. I'm sure she's a wonderful person and that once I do, I will be completely over this whole thing. I'll make a new friend and laugh about it afterward."

 

If he hates this idea, then there's probably something up, especially if he doesn't know what to say at first because he's probably not going to expect you to say this. He's probably come up with a bunch of excuses in his head for why there's nothing between them and not a bunch of excuses of why you can't possibly meet her.

 

I like to make this a practicing habit anyway. I get close to any woman who might be a threat to my relationship with my boyfriend. It's harder for two people to hide those kind of feelings than one person. It lets you scope out the dynamic between the two of them sneakily and he'll talk about her more openly if you are friendly with her. If you can get the girl to actually like you, then it will be harder for her to agree to cheat with your boyfriend because she won't want to do that to you. And it will make them both incredibly uncomfortable about the whole thing just in general if they are doing anything wrong.

 

In my opinion, it's bad to ask or be angry about these kinds of things because you get accused of being jealous, immature, or wrong, whether you really are or not. It's better to make everyone so comfortable, that their guards fall down completely, and it becomes easy to catch them if they are doing anything wrong.

 

And if he isn't doing anything wrong, well, then you won't get in trouble for taking this approach.

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