Chichi68 Posted July 4, 2010 Share Posted July 4, 2010 Wife and I had some marriage problems in the past. I found out that she had a crush on a work friend. She says she's had the crush on the guy for a couple years. I found out while cleaning out our computer that she was checking her and his name for compatability on several websites. Well I got his number, called him and asked him kindly to stop contacting my wife. Did I do the right thing? Should I have let her finish the friendship herself? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 4, 2010 Share Posted July 4, 2010 Unless she ends it herself, it won't end. Why would it if she wants it to continue? Generally when a BS contacts the OP and tells them to back off, the WS will simply contact the OP and say 'ignore that call, we just need to be more careful'. The WS has to genuinely want to end it, and it takes a few 'false endings' before it actually ends. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted July 4, 2010 Share Posted July 4, 2010 If the roles were reversed, I doubt your wife would be as kind as you. If this crush has been going on for a few years then there is a good chance that there is more to this story than you think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chichi68 Posted July 4, 2010 Author Share Posted July 4, 2010 Thank you for your responses. My wife's crush is a client at her barbershop, well former barbershop and former client because she is no longer there. It's been about 4 months already and I want to trust her but I feel that she was in love with the guy. The music that she listens to is about heartbreak and meeting half way, crush and **** like that. I've confronted her a few times and denies she was in love with him but my gut feeling tells me otherwise. It's so difficult not knowing what someone feels about you. I love this woman and I would endure anything for her. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 4, 2010 Share Posted July 4, 2010 I love this woman and I would endure anything for her. Great. Invite her to join you in marriage counseling next week. Re-focus each of your attentions on the M, even if only for that hour, to the exclusion of 'crushes' and 'friends'. IMO, you'll learn a lot. Expect her to be 'mad' at you for a good long while. Hope it works out Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted July 4, 2010 Share Posted July 4, 2010 You lose power if you are clinging on to your wife. Learn to establish boundaries. No marriage will endure partnership of three. The evidence has been presented. Expose this info to people that will help your marriage. (Her family and yours, her friends). Do not let her get off lightly. Link to post Share on other sites
H1N1 Posted July 4, 2010 Share Posted July 4, 2010 Wife and I had some marriage problems in the past. I found out that she had a crush on a work friend. She says she's had the crush on the guy for a couple years. I found out while cleaning out our computer that she was checking her and his name for compatability on several websites. Well I got his number, called him and asked him kindly to stop contacting my wife. Did I do the right thing? Should I have let her finish the friendship herself? You did nothing wrong, and at least now the relationship has been exposed. However, this by itself won't fix what's wrong in the relationship. You both need to work on your relationship together. Link to post Share on other sites
Maggotface Posted July 5, 2010 Share Posted July 5, 2010 Does your wife still show affection towards you? Has she appologized at all for her feelings for another man? I take it from the "meeting half way" songs that the crush doesnt feel the same for her. I think you've done the right thing, although, even if she had been the one to contact him if she really wants to stay in touch she will. I wouldnt jump to the conclussion that they have done anything physical. I wouldnt rule it out either but if they have you'll find out about it eventually. Blaming her for things that she may not have even done will just make things worse at this point and push her further towards this other man. Encourage her to go to MC, if it's possible maybe get away for a weekend somewhere and spend some together, rekindle things between you two. Link to post Share on other sites
Reality Drip Posted July 6, 2010 Share Posted July 6, 2010 Highly disrespectful of her to be hiding the compatibility website nonsense, the crush, and then to be listening to break up music. At least you caught it early. If you want to split hairs and say, was I wrong...was she wrong...let's just say you were both wrong and leave it at that. Bottom line is, she is deceitful and the next time around she may not be so careless. Find out what is missing from your relationship that she'd be seeking out that fulfillment outside the home. Cheaters won't or shouldn't confess anyway; you found out precisely when and how you were meant to. -Max Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted July 6, 2010 Share Posted July 6, 2010 How is your wife reacting toward you and your M since all this has came to light? Is she remorseful and shamed by what has happened? What has she done to help repair the damage she's caused? IMO the two of you need MC to address this and other issues within your M before her next "crush" comes along, and you're the one actually getting crushed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chichi68 Posted July 6, 2010 Author Share Posted July 6, 2010 Thanks everyone for the great responses and excellent advice. It's been a tough ride the last few months but I got to be strong. Sometimes I wish I hadn't found out and just let things happen, but if I hadn't I don't know what would have happened. I did establish boundaries for my wife and I and I made sure she understands that their will be no more mister nice guy. Yes I was an ******* in the past and said some hurtful things but she understands now why I said what I said. And like someone posted had it been the other way around I don't think my wife would have been as nice as me. As for counseling, been there done that. She told me I needed counseling because I was to angry...Duh!!! Gee, I wonder why I was so angry and upset, was it maybe because she was acting weird, getting all made up to go cut hair at her job, loosing weight etc...So I went to the counseling and dealt with some feminist counselor basically telling me it was all in my mind and that perhaps I was the problem, what a douche that lady was I swear! Lucky for me I found all that **** on the computer otherwise I probably would have believed that moron counselor Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted July 6, 2010 Share Posted July 6, 2010 Councillors have been known to get it wrong. Send her a note. Dressing up is a known condition indicating infidelity. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted July 7, 2010 Share Posted July 7, 2010 hey chichi-----what is your gut instinct telling you right now-----I think you are still in doubt, and bothered If there is still contact---have her send a NC letter and end it---IN YOUR PRESENCE There are many instances where what she tells you is just the tip of the iceberg----- Are there other changes in her----what about accountability for time---change in clothes, make-up---demeanor----You probably need to dig much deeper to really get the truth----your wife is doing to much obsessing, and showing toooo much unhappiness for what she has actually ADMITTED to. Link to post Share on other sites
TheLove Posted July 7, 2010 Share Posted July 7, 2010 I think you have taken this too casually chichi. This is your wife we are talking about! Seems she isn't even showing any remorse but sometimes a few people just get like that when they see something they know they cannot have. In your situation, your wife knows you are overtly nice and she believes she can get away with this because you are too nice. Yours appears to be a case of "familiarity breeds contempt". Calmly but firmly set boundaries! Be cool about the whole thing but let her know she can't take you for a ride! This has gone to the extent of her losing weight and dressing up all flashy and stuff and she is doing all this for someone else.... hmm.... sounds like a serious issue to me..... Let her define what she truly wants.....and you should make her aware that you don't appreciate all what is going on. If she keeps it up, then family and friends need to know. It sounds like a tough one..... Wish You Luck....... Let us get some feedback about how you fare........ Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted July 8, 2010 Share Posted July 8, 2010 So dude, again, what's the final outcome? Has she come back to the M, or is she still foggy about her "feelings". As another poster put it, I think you were way too casual about confronting this and not "laying down the law" to her. I really hope the first thing you did was "insist" she end all C with this dirtball. So, what is she doing now to fix this, anything? Are things any better than before? Does she even acknowledge her wrongness in this? If there not, then you got serious problems brewing. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted July 8, 2010 Share Posted July 8, 2010 Wife and I had some marriage problems in the past. I found out that she had a crush on a work friend. She says she's had the crush on the guy for a couple years. I found out while cleaning out our computer that she was checking her and his name for compatability on several websites. Well I got his number, called him and asked him kindly to stop contacting my wife. Did I do the right thing? Should I have let her finish the friendship herself? you absolutely did the right thing, or should i say you were completely within your rights. She was having inappropriate contact with another man as a married woman. they were having an emotional affair if he was contacting her and they "crushed" on each other. so this wasn't just a "crush". so now you have to crack the whip. Link to post Share on other sites
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