I feel awful.

[Inure]

I feel incredibly lost right now. I ran across this forum looking up advice on the internet to try and make me feel.. differently. I know I don't deserve to feel less miserable, but this pain right now is just incomprehensible.

 

I guess I'll just start from the beginning. I was in an incredibly abusive relationship for 4 and a half years.. My ex, at various points in our relationship.. well, I'll just list off some of the bigger things.. he beat me, burned me, threw things at me, screamed in my face.. threw me out of cars, dragged me around.. One time he ran over me.. just terrible, terrible things. He was manipulative, calculating, aggressive.. Just a very, very angry and troubled man. I'm quite young - 21, and started dating him when I was 16, so I grew very attached and just waited for him to change.. Yes, I know, pathetic.. I used to be very strong willed. I'm not sure what happened.

 

I eventually broke up with him because I ended up pregnant and he completely abandoned me. Did a 360 and just ignored me, told me to go **** myself, that I was an idiot if I thought he'd actually talk to me, to "get rid of it", etc.. He threatened me and I was pressured by him, friends and family to get an abortion. I wanted to keep the baby but the stress was unbearable. I ended up getting the abortion and it has affected me greatly. It was April 6th I went to the clinic and it's been downhill ever since.

 

I met someone amazing during the time I was pregnant and he helped me through everything. He's a great guy and at first I was very happy with him (we're now dating, 3 months), but I broke up with my boyfriend and not even a few days later did me and this guy kind of become.. "official"? I was kind of scared that he would go away, so I agreed to be with him - we're long distance though, he lives states away but we've visited eachother a few times in the 3 months of dating.

 

The happiness level has spiraled down and I've just been stuck in this state of absolute depression, loneliness, isolation.. It's horrible. My ex boyfriend feels terrible and regrets everything, the moment he lost me he realized what kind of person he was and the fact that because of him a person wasn't born (I was afraid he would hurt the baby if I kept it, too..), so he's been very kind and considerate and plain heartbroken before/during/after the break up. The pain I feel from the abortion, and my feelings towards my ex, and the break up and everything that is happening.. It's just unbearable. The new guy that I'm with, he's amazing, kind, and truly and deeply cares for me - I care about him too, but I just feel so lost and miserable in my life. I can't talk to him about the pregnancy or anything that happened, because it was something between my ex and I.. And I found hanging out with my ex, talking to him about everything - I've found that it helps. It makes the pain less, it makes me a little bit more happy..

 

So I've become this horrible, terrible person and I've been spending more time with my ex without my new boyfriend knowing.. This new guy, I've only seen him three times in three months, but we care about eachother and it's what I always wanted.. but for some reason my heart goes back to my ex.. and even though he's a terribly angry, cruel person.. I just go back pathetically because it's the only thing that makes me feel better.. I just feel so worthless.. I feel like sometimes I don't even want to be here anymore, just disappear..

 

long story short.. I had a nervous breakdown last night and my ex called and talked to me, I told him.. well.. I had some very horrible thoughts and he calmed me down, and I was sobbing and crying and just an absolute mess. I don't really have any friends I can talk to, and no family members - I'm quite alone in that regard.. and I didn't want to call my new boyfriend and freak him out..

 

So my ex..who understands what I'm going through.. He came to see me and he kissed me, and I just fell into sex with him to try and forget all of this pain.. the pain of him abandoning me, the pain of killing my baby, the pain of being a selfish, terrible person.. I don't even know.. we had sex and the whole time I just thought of my poor, sweet boyfriend who has no idea wtf is going on with me at all (I don't want to bother him) and has no idea that I'm over here having sex with my crazy ex..

 

Today.. I feel so guilty.. I cut off ties with my ex for good.. and I want to tell my new boyfriend what happened, but I know I will lose him.. and frankly.. I'm quite scared to just be alone.. I don't want to lose him, but I know I should tell him, because he needs to decide if he wants to be with a cheater or not.. but I don't know.. I can't believe I'm at this point in my life right now.. I don't know what's wrong with me.. I go back to someone awful, someone who made my life hell and beat me down.. yet he's the only thing that makes me happy.. When my new boyfriend comes to visit, I'm happy, but when he's far away, I get so lonely and isolated and thoughts of the past 4 years, thoughts of being in that clinic, thoughts of my poor baby I killed because I'm stupid and selfish just collapse onto me and I just feel so lost and terrible..

 

I'm sorry, I just needed to get this out.. confess it somewhere.. I don't know.. my new boyfriend doesn't deserve me or anything, but he's such a great guy and I do care about him, I'm just at the most horrible point in my whole life right now ever. Ugh.. talk about a pity party. I'm fully aware of myself and I take full responsibility.. I'm selfish.. it's as simple as that.

Edited June 29, 2010 by Inure

[LSNoob]

Aww I feel for you.

Sorry that you had a cunt ex-bf, hes an idiot and total douchebag. Don't ever talk to him and let him come near you.

 

You need a bf that live close by, so you can meet up with him, talk to him and vent out.

 

I just feel so worthless.. I feel like sometimes I don't even want to be here anymore, just disappear..

Don't ever say that >=|

Who are you to say that you are worthless and not wanted. There's always someone out there who needs you just as much as you need him. Be strong girl. Be VERY strong.

 

sweet boyfriend who has no idea wtf is going on with me at all (I don't want to bother him)

It's not called bothering him, tell him about your past relationship, how you feel, etc. He needs to know that, so he can be there for you and help you. Don't ever hold anything back from your bf, if you wanna vent it out then do it with your bf.

 

I hope you bf is understanding and really feels for you and keeps the relationship going. And I also hope that if he stays with you, you two can move to be closer to each other, because that long distance relationship is not helping. Wish you best of luck.

 

Always come here and vent out and talk to the members here. You're definitely most welcomed here.

[Reality Drip]

Any man that is THAT abusive to you will also hurt your child. Don't get involved with someone like that and congrats if you successfully cut things off with him.

 

As far as confessing to cheating I would say hold off on that situation. You've gone through a lot and this other guy is there for you. Sure, you self-sabotage but it isn't like you set out to hurt your new bf.

 

Stay away from the ex. If you continue to see him then just break it off with the long-distance boyfriend. He doesn't deserve to be made the fool. Even if you see your ex ONE more time; break it off with your bf. Until then, be a saint.

 

-Max

[Cracker Jack]

To be honest, it sounds to me like you don't need to be a relationship with anyone right now. Maybe you need to shift the focus onto fixing yourself up instead.

 

Still, sucks that you're feeling messed up like that. Sorry. Hope you feel better.

[bunnixkisses]

If you do not get the guilt and pain out of your system before you start getting into new relationships...it will ruin your future relationships. You need to talk to someone...not your ex..not your new bf...a friend..or something. A theripist might be good (because they will not judge you). I agree with the above guy...a relationship is not a good idea. However, having someone that cares for you long distance, may still keep your self esteem alive. Don't get serious, but tell him why. Honestly, I think that beings you're 21, and have only been dating 1 guy...you are not going to know how to address a new relationship. You have no experience, so you will compare your new boyfriends to your ex. You will miss your ex. It will hurt..and it will hurt for a long time. You will be depressed. BUT you have to FIX IT, and you are the only one that knows how. When you get yourself straight, you can find a new boyfriend that treats you so much better, and get married, and have another baby. But that's not going to happen if you cant let go of what happened...

 

I do not believe in abortion, however...I do agree with your decision. He's trying to play you to get you back..because he realizes no one else is going to deal with his crap. If you were to have this baby, and take him back..how would your child's life be? If you didn't take him back..would he be angry with you and take it out on the child? This is the first...and maybe last time I will every say this...but you did make the right decision.