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Why won't he include me :(


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Parlanchina

My boyfriend is going out with his friends from his bio course. These are all girls (older by one or two years), around 4 of them and the very same group I brought up to him previously that I have a problem with. Though he has reassured me a lot and the girls know me, I am still having anxiousness about it.

 

Just right now he said to me that they are going out on Thursday night to have some drinks. HE DOESN'T DRINK! Well, he does but just a little, some social drinking he calls it. He quit for some time now. (I don't drink at all either)

 

I just hate the fact that though he knows I have worries and that the older girls know me, he doesn't invite me at all and I feel so excluded from the group. I have voiced this out too, as to why he doesn't bring me along so I can feel at ease. He told me that I wouldn't be comfortable with the hard drinks in the bars and He hates the fact that if I do join them on their drinking, he wouldn't have as much fun because he would worry about me all the time and have to oversee me all the time.

 

What do I say to that? Please please help...

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RedRussian

Sounds like he treats you like his 15 year old kid sister.

 

 

reassured me, I can feel at ease he is taking care of your insecurities and it's hard work so he went to get a drink from a kid who just don't get it.

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Parlanchina

We're both 25 and have been together for 3 years and he doesn't treat me like a 15 year old because he turns to me for help, advice and understanding, you know.

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My boyfriend is going out with his friends from his bio course. These are all girls (older by one or two years), around 4 of them and the very same group I brought up to him previously that I have a problem with. Though he has reassured me a lot and the girls know me, I am still having anxiousness about it.

 

Just right now he said to me that they are going out on Thursday night to have some drinks. HE DOESN'T DRINK! Well, he does but just a little, some social drinking he calls it. He quit for some time now. (I don't drink at all either)

 

I just hate the fact that though he knows I have worries and that the older girls know me, he doesn't invite me at all and I feel so excluded from the group. I have voiced this out too, as to why he doesn't bring me along so I can feel at ease. He told me that I wouldn't be comfortable with the hard drinks in the bars and He hates the fact that if I do join them on their drinking, he wouldn't have as much fun because he would worry about me all the time and have to oversee me all the time.

 

What do I say to that? Please please help...

 

He sounds like a pretty decent bloke, and I think he ought to have some "me" time with this bunch of friends despite the fact that they know you. You can always propose to have another meeting session next time. I don't see the reason why you are so concerned over this.

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He sounds like a pretty decent bloke, and I think he ought to have some "me" time with this bunch of friends despite the fact that they know you. You can always propose to have another meeting session next time. I don't see the reason why you are so concerned over this.

 

I don't agree. I can't see a real need for him to have "me" time with a group of female friends and a fair bit of alcohol.

 

If he's going out with a bunch of girls, I don't see any reason to exclude his girlfriend from the mix.

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I'm a little confused by what is going on.

 

Are they currently in class together? It isn't unusual for a couple of people to meet up for an after class drink and I could see why bringing you along might be awkward if the whole point is to comiserate about the class.

 

Do these particular girls make you feel uncomfortable? Or is it the fact that they are girls? Or is it the fact that you're not invited when otherwise you socialize together?

 

I think unless there is some concern about the girls, it is totally reasonable for him to go out for an hour or two with classmates. It is also totally reasonable for him to meet up with ex classmates every once in awhile for an after class/work drink to reminise about the class or network. But regularly excluding you from specific friends is different and not okay in my mind. A raging Friday night is also different than an afterclass drink.

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I think that you should go out with YOUR "friends" at the same time...see how it makes him feel...otherwise, if this continues, I would think that something was definitely up...

Good luck.

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RedRussian

I think that you should go out with YOUR "friends" at the same time...see how it makes him feel..

 

Let the Men hating games begin!

Wow advice from a woman to try hurt Mans feelings for doing nothing wrong, and just because feelings of an insecure little girl got hurt...wow just wow

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hopesndreams

Do you know which bar he is going to? Have you thought about just showing up? Give him time to get a few drinks down first, then observe.

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RedRussian
Do you know which bar he is going to? Have you thought about just showing up? Give him time to get a few drinks down first, then observe.

 

Yes start stalking him like a crazy GF you are.

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Dexter Morgan

If I had a gf, and I was going out with a group, especially if it were all girls, I'd be calling my gf and telling her to meet us where we are going.

 

but then again, I wouldn't be hanging out with a bunch of other women if I am in a committed relationship

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hopesndreams
Yes start stalking him like a crazy GF you are.

 

It's better to really know what's going on than to be in the dark. I think her concerns are warranted.

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If I had a gf, and I was going out with a group, especially if it were all girls, I'd be calling my gf and telling her to meet us where we are going.

 

but then again, I wouldn't be hanging out with a bunch of other women if I am in a committed relationship

 

I have to fully agree with Dex on this one.

 

To me, it sounds like this guy doesn't give two sh*ts about your feelings. You have let him know that these girls make you feel unconfortable, and he continues to hang around them, and now is even escalating by mixing these girls with alcohol ALONE without you.

 

If this guy truly cared about you, he would do everything in his power, including inviting you along, to make you feel comfortable with the situation. And if you still couldn't feel comfortable, then he would immediately cease all activity with these girls.

 

I was in a similar situation with my best friend of over 7 years. My male best friend and my boyfriend of 5 years, whom I own a house with, just can't get along. Granted, my best friend would intentionally make comments to rile him up, so he was not on his best behavior. After a few attempts to make them comfortable with each other, I had to call it quits with the best friend because he was being a jerk. My boyfriend, whom I want to marry and have kids with, is more important in the long run.

 

Basically, he is telling you he doesn't care about you enough to take your feelings into consideration and stop with these girls. Don't get me wrong, I'm NOT telling you to control this guy and prevent him from having a social life or activities outside of you. Quickest way to alienate a man. But socializing with the opposite sex, alcohol is involved, and he insists on excluding you, that's wrong.

 

My feeling is these women stroke his ego, make him feel like some sort of stud, and he doesn't want to give that up. To me, that's a form of an emotional affair....

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Let the Men hating games begin!

Wow advice from a woman to try hurt Mans feelings for doing nothing wrong, and just because feelings of an insecure little girl got hurt...wow just wow

 

He IS doing something wrong!! He's not including her!!!

 

Girlie - don't listen to this dude...he doesn't know what he's talking about!!

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RedRussian

He's not including her

 

He is not obligated to always take her to where ever or when ever he is going to some place.

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Mimolicious

How old are we? I mean, unless he has given you further reason to be this insecure then I don't see what is the problem. Yes, it is not so kosher to go out with a bunch of females and exclude your GF but a lot of things are not...

 

Tell him how you feel again and if he continues to disregard your feelings... "He's not that into you".

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Dexter Morgan
He's not including her

 

He is not obligated to always take her to where ever or when ever he is going to some place.

 

something is telling me that he never invites her when he is with a bunch of other women. wonder why? hmmmm:rolleyes:

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OP, is his ignoring of your feelings a deal-breaker? Are your feelings in line with cultural norms and precedents in Columbia? Is this man marriage potential for you? What is your goal with this relationship?

 

Just some things to think about and talk about whilst sipping your ginger ale.

 

The two main issues I see are, one, he's choosing to persist in actions which you consistently over time have had issues with. Two, he's thinking for you, deciding what you might like or not, rather than leaving that up to your prerogative. IMO, that's controlling behavior.

 

Are your concerns reasonable? Is there balance, meaning he accepts circumstances and actions by you which make him uncomfortable, like you going out with male friends for (virgin) drinks and/or socializing, as an example. Is there mutual 'bend'?

 

Why won't he include you? Who knows? Ask him. IMO, it's more an issue of 'what are your boundaries and how will you enforce them?'. Hope it works out :)

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My boyfriend is going out with his friends..

same group I brought up to him previously that I have a problem with

he knows I have worries

I feel so excluded

Please please help...

 

He won't include you because you are trying to make your problem his problem. You are being controlling.

 

The result is that he doesn't want you around in his outings and won't stop going.

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In Columbia, what do young males normally do when they go out for drinks with young females? OP, set the cultural stage for us. True, you might have some insecurities here, but I know little of your culture so am happy to learn. For example, is polyamory acceptable and 'expected'? Do you know these 'friend's' BF's/husbands? Set the stage. :)

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Parlanchina

Hi all, thank you so much for the replies. I've cried overnight thinking how terrible I must be to want to "control" him all the time. Someone may think that I don't give him his "me" time.

 

I always feel happy when he has his "me" time, as I do love my own quite, alone time. I love it when his guy friends hang out ok? I would even buy them groceries like chips and extra beverage for guy's night out when he mentions that his guy friends will be hanging out at his or another's house watching soccer (football) or basketball.

 

It's this thing with his girl coursemates that really bother me a lot. I have confirmation from some of his coursemates of him that I'm friends with that two out of the four he hangs out with have a crush on him and he knows it. I've tried reaching out to the girls but not much chance yet. He has introduced me to them but that was the one time I accompanied him to his College.

 

If I had a gf, and I was going out with a group, especially if it were all girls, I'd be calling my gf and telling her to meet us where we are going.

 

but then again, I wouldn't be hanging out with a bunch of other women if I am in a committed relationship

 

I dont' know why he does not do this. If in you situation it is possible, then I cannot see why it can't be with mine. :(

 

Do these particular girls make you feel uncomfortable? Or is it the fact that they are girls? Or is it the fact that you're not invited when otherwise you socialize together?

 

Honestly, its the fact that it's all-girls. I don't know. Isn't it not as common? I mean, especially with the fact that there is alcohol it doesn't quite give me a stable feeling at all. When he is social drinking with guys I am not at all uncomfortable. I am just worried when he has to drive. At least he doesn't drive.

 

OP, is his ignoring of your feelings a deal-breaker? Are your feelings in line with cultural norms and precedents in Columbia? Is this man marriage potential for you? What is your goal with this relationship?

 

They're not exactly deal breakers as of yet because I'm still considering when is my breaking point in all of this. I'm also here to know where I draw the line. If he is going to continue, then it might be something more major.

 

So far, we are good together, and I personally don't want to talk about marriage yet seeing as he has just a little bit of self-center and self-absorb characterisitics and I don't want that!

 

The two main issues I see are, one, he's choosing to persist in actions which you consistently over time have had issues with. Two, he's thinking for you, deciding what you might like or not, rather than leaving that up to your prerogative. IMO, that's controlling behavior.

 

Yes, I have argued about this with him before. His arguement is that his biology coursemates are around 90% girls (true) and out of all, he says these 4 girls are the one he gets along with quite well. That's why I don't want to give him an "ultimatum" or whatnot because I don't want him to end up friendless in his course.

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Parlanchina

Sorry for this doublepost but he also said, "These are my friends!" like as if he has another circle that I am not supposed to be part of. That's why I'm not invited/involved.

 

What if I ask him directly to invite me to their drinking meet? If you all were in my position, what would you say?

 

His possible responses:

1. "No I will not take you. This is my coursemates and I would just really like to spend time with other people."

 

2. "If you don't trust me Then I just won't go anymore and I'll stay at home!"

 

3. "Why are you doing this? You don't want me to have friends at all!"

 

Please help. I don't quite know what to say.... :( :( :( (in tears)

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What if I ask him directly to invite me to their drinking meet? If you all were in my position, what would you say?

 

Another perspective is 'Great, I'll meet you there' and then do it. No rancor, no explanations. I can't imagine one singular event in my decade long marriage that my wife wasn't welcome at. Obviously, you're not married, but the intimacy, trust and bond is similar. It's your prerogative to accept or decline. You know they'll be drinking and you know the chatter will be about school. I often did similar when stbx would invite me to work parties; imagine 30+ stylists all chattering about hair and fashion. I learned a lot and met some of the husbands and boyfriends. The key is she was transparent and welcomed me.

 

I would not speculate about why he acts the way he does or possible scenarios and responses. Do what *you* want to do. Own that. He's a big boy and can handle himself :)

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Parlanchina
Basically, he is telling you he doesn't care about you enough to take your feelings into consideration and stop with these girls. Don't get me wrong, I'm NOT telling you to control this guy and prevent him from having a social life or activities outside of you. Quickest way to alienate a man. But socializing with the opposite sex, alcohol is involved, and he insists on excluding you, that's wrong.

 

My feeling is these women stroke his ego, make him feel like some sort of stud, and he doesn't want to give that up. To me, that's a form of an emotional affair....

 

Thank you so much for your input. I will try to include this statement of yours in case he tries to argue... "But socializing with the opposite sex, alcohol is involved, and he insists on excluding you, that's wrong."

 

I hate that he is doing this especially. I have no other qualms except this. I don't think I'm all unreasonable. I'm working full-time as a secretary in a law firm and in our office there are a lot of men and they often drink a lot and sometimes invite me. I haven't gone once because I didn't think it would be proper at all. The last time I went out to a drink was with my girl friends and I drank some. I want our relationship to be decent, respectful. I don't want a boyfriend who gets drunk with other girls!

 

But I wonder as well if that is just too harsh or controlling.

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Take a deep breath Parlanchina, half the comments about how controlling you are seem to come from other people's issues.

 

Personally, I think it is totally fine to go for a drink or two (no more than 2-3 hours) with coursemates regardless of sex. But then I am not Colombian and cultural rules vary.

 

However, if any of these girls have a crush on him that changes things. Either he has to make it clear to girl that nothing will happen (he wouldn't have to say anything, bringing you along could be enough) or stop hanging out with her.

 

I don't think you have the right to say he can never socialize with female classmates, but you have every right to say he can't go drinking with girls who are interested in dating him.

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