SadieP Posted May 15, 2010 Share Posted May 15, 2010 Forgive me if this is a long story. We met online, and started a long distance relationship a year ago. In the first 8 months we spent 2 weeks together but talked everyday, on average more than an hour a day. Then I moved across continent to be with him, as he's still going to school and I just graduated. For the first 9 months we were together (8 LDR, 1 living together) everything seemed PERFECT. Well, there are always little bumps, but really amazing. Then after 9 months I found out he'd still been trying to work things out with his ex since before we met, and continuing the whole time we'd been dating. They didn't talk as much as we did, but they had an 8 year history of on-again, off-again. They didn't live within driving distance either, but there were romantic emails & text messages. When I first found out I was ready to leave, but he convinced me it was me he wanted to be with. He said he was only in contact with her because he didn't know how to break it off after such a long history. And I still do believe him that it's me he wants, I mean his family knew about me and him, and nothing about his relationship with her. He spent more time talking to me than her. And in some of his messages to her he's clearly trying to break it off (she references him wanting to take a break etc). So he broke it off with her for good, I gave him another chance, and he did really well for awhile. Our main issue at first was trust, so he's been working to rebuild that for the past couple months. At first he was still answering her calls & texts, which was ok because he was still explaining the situation to her and answering her questions. After about a week I figured it was enough time for her to get used to the new situation (she was as blameless in the whole thing as I was), I told him I was uncomfortable with him still talking to her. He said he'd gladly give up talking to her if I didn't like it, and he did. He knew I was checking his phone and was fine with it, and for the past couple months there were some texts and unanswered calls from her, but nothing from him to her. I was checking the cell phone bill against his phone and he didn't delete things to try to hide them from me. But he lied to me throughout the whole time he was cheating, and even when I found out about her, he lied about the extent of the situation at first. I found out he has been lying to his friends for years about pretty major things, and I'm pretty sure he was lying to his last girlfriend about being in contact with this same ex the whole time they were going out too. And then today I found out that he contacted his ex again, and completely hid it from me. I read an e-mail she sent afterward, and I believe their conversation was completely harmless, so I'm not upset about the conversation itself. I'm upset because he said he'd give up contacting her completely, and the fact that he hid it from me. He waited until I was out of town to call her. Am I overreacting in thinking this is the last straw? In every other way he is completely loving and devoted to me. But I can't take the lying anymore, and have told him as much. I have never once yelled at him or overreacted, so he can't use that as a reason to avoid telling me things. And if he doesn't tell me about a harmless conversation with his ex (not one that I'd be happy about, but it's not like he's cheating again), it sounds warning bells to me that he'll still lie about bigger things, and isn't serious about earning back my trust. I'd really love another perspective on this. Link to post Share on other sites
ScaredHubby Posted May 17, 2010 Share Posted May 17, 2010 Fool me once, shame on you... Don't let him fool you twice. Let him know in uncertain terms that the next time will be the last time. Link to post Share on other sites
Reality Drip Posted May 24, 2010 Share Posted May 24, 2010 It seems like you WANT this to work but this guy just doesn't really care to put his foot down with the lady-folk. If you must: give him another chance. He screws this up and you just walk away. And stay away. There ARE MANY people out there that will be devoted to you and care about you; cherish you, and be forever loyal. ...don't you owe it to yourself to perhaps let them find their way to you? -Max Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 I have been in similar shoes as you with my SO. It took awhile, but he finally realized (for himself, after I walked away for a month) that he loved me and wanted me. He promised not to contact her anymore, he subsequently e-mailed her and copied me letting her know this, and he didn't contact her again. He ignored any contact from her and told me about it. He went above and beyond to ensure I knew he was serious. If your SO can't do that, he may not be the right person for you. I agree with the post that said tell him if it happens one more time, it will be the last time and that you will leave. Then you MUST be prepared to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadieP Posted June 5, 2010 Author Share Posted June 5, 2010 I really appreciate the feedback. That is essentially what I decided to do - told him in no uncertain terms that the lying has to stop, and the contact with her has to stop. We agreed he can call her or e-mail her one time to let her know why he's stopping contact so he doesn't just drop off the face of the earth. So far, so good Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts