MarieW Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 Hi, I'm new here but it seems a very informative site. I'm hoping someone can advise me on my problem or if anyone else suffers from it. It seems trivial but it's really getting to me now. I have a lovely long term boyfriend who doesn't flirt with other women, doesn't put me down and certainly isn't a pervert. Myself, I love sex, am not at all prudish, used to work as a glamour model and am considered attractive but.... If myself and my boyfriend are watching a dvd ( not porn, just normal films ) and there is female nudity/sex in it, I feel sick and get really upset. I can watch it alone and it doesn't bother me but when I'm with him I can't stand the thought that he may find those actresses more attractive than me and I keep feeling the need to tell him how much makeup and lighting is involved in making them look so good. He thinks I'm mad because he watches a film for what it is not because some woman takes her bra off, I understand all that but it doesn't help. I have female friends who aren't bothered by this so why am I? My boyfriend says I'm not normal and no other woman is like this and it's got to the stage now where I'm scared of him renting out a dvd and I have to read a review on it or something before I can watch it with him, just incase. He loves films and lives with me and he is now saying he won't watch anything anymore, but it's not as if he watches porn and I don't want to run away from the problem by not watching films, I want to get over it. Any ideas?? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 The way to get over irrational thoughts is to counter them with rational thoughts. What is the worst case scenario? Will your boyfriend leave you for a woman in a film? No. Will he start to hate you because you don't look like those women? No. You see how, when you really question the reality of your fears, they start to seem silly? Do you realize that you are accusing him of lying to you? Do you distrust him deep down? If so, you have to work on what may have caused those thoughts for you and then counter them with reality. The reality is that he loves YOU, loves YOUR body, and wants to be with YOU. Is he the most attractive man in the world? Do you think no other man is more attractive? Likely not. Despite all that, you love him for many other reasons and you would not leave him for somebody just because the other person is more attractive, would you? Nor will he. Is it rational to expect him to think that you are more attractive than any other human? Of course not, any more than he would expect you to think he is the most attractive person on the planet. What is important is that he wants to be with you more than anybody else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MarieW Posted July 17, 2003 Author Share Posted July 17, 2003 I appreciate that moimeme, and of course you're right, thank you. I just need to reinforce the relaity in my head instead of getting so wound up about it. I'd still love to hear from anyone else who has this problem, maybe we can help each other and find ways of dealing with it. Thanks 1 Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 I can relate... fantasy is always more attractive than reality, and nobody is perfect, so you have to realize that there will always be someone more attractive, more intelligence, etc etc. And some men do spend their life running after what else is out there... but some don't - they committ. So i guess it's just a matter of trusting your bf to stay with you. But OK - worst case scenario - he gets obsessed with an actress and hitch-hickes off to Hollywood. Is that SOOOO bad? No, you'll feel crappy for a while, and then get your act together, and fine a more sane guy =) Prepare yourself for the worst... and hope it will turn out better than that! (easier said than done, i know!!) Just some thoughts for you ... I hope somebody with more experience will stop by and comment as well =) good luck, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 You have to realize that you're never going to be able to eliminate images of beautiful women from the life of your guy. And, furthermore...and I hate to break this to you...in 25 years or so (if the two of you are still together) he will be all the more attracted to young chirpies with tight bodies. If you're lucky he won't act on his attraction but he'll most likely be capable of it. Live in the present, enjoy your relationship, don't preoccupy yourself with the little bit of tit he sees when he's with you. You ought to rejoice about that. It's what he sees when he's not around you...and what he will want to see in later years...that ought to be bothering you. And you'll have to deal with that, too, because there's not a darned thing you can do about it. Link to post Share on other sites
hairdrssr82 Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 Wow THANK u! I am not the only one. I am really trying to get over it. And so far, I feel one of the best ways to get over it is to PRETEND that u aren't jealous or insecure about him looking at another girl. I used to make such a big deal about my boyfriend looking at another girl's butt at the beach because I was so insecure about my own. Now I just shut up and deal with it. I think I am a pretty girl but sometimes I feel so insecure. He looks at porn, he sees naked girls, and I'm sure he is attracted to some girls too..... BUT so am I! My boyfriend and I are very serious about each other, but all the same, I look at other guys and I think they are attractive, wonder what they look like naked....you know. Does it mean I love my boyfriend any less, or does it mean I would ever cheat on him? No, not at all. My boyfriend is so attractive to me and that is all that matters. My Boyfriend LOVES Beyonce Knowles, and when she is on TV I am pretty much invisible to him. I HATE IT SO MUCH!!!! I hate watching his face when he sees her on TV, it makes me absolutely NUTS. I just wonder what is going on in his head....("Man Beyonce is so hot, look at that ass, i just want to bend her over....") But I just pretend I don't care as much as I used to. He downloaded her video on Kazaa and he's watched it a million times and I have to wrestle with myself to not delete it.......even though he would just download it again. I guess my point is, no matter who your bf is, there with be things like that the we have to deal with, us girls. I just find that the more I pretend it doesn't bother me, the more natural it comes to me. Hope that helps sweetie. Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 i have to say that i dont agree with tony's post at all. i think if a man is mature at 25 years older than he is now, he isnt going to be all the more attracted to young chicks. i do not think you ought to be happy that he gets excited about the tits he sees, what kind of a comment is that? the fact of the matter is, you are with him and he is with you. other ppl dont matter. its a self esteem thing and i too dont liek to see other women naked when he is there. but it goes both ways, you see naked men too. life goes on Link to post Share on other sites
Author MarieW Posted July 19, 2003 Author Share Posted July 19, 2003 You guys are all really sweet and informative. THANK YOU! It's good to know I'm not the only one, from the point of view that I feel more normal, but it's a shame some of us girlies don't love ourselves like we should. Hrdrsser( did I spell that right?) You're a sweetheart. I bet my bf fancies Beyonce too, she is gorgeous ( bitch! meow! ) but it's got to the stage where he wouldn't dare tell me if he did. I think what you say about pretending not to be bothered may work for me, I'll give it a go anyway. At the end of the day we are all human, and okay alot of women are beautiful but I bet they aren't first thing in the morning, just like us. I dislike myself intensely for feeling like this. I shouldn't hate these women, just because they are attractive doesn't mean they don't have feelings and emotions too. Anyway thanks people. I hope you will continue to post on this subject as it's a great help, not just for me but for other women too I'm sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Badselfimage Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 No, you are definitely not alone in this. I have battled it for so long and all I can really say is that I am 30 now, men haven't changed, they are not going to and I don't really think they should. My problems with it deal with my insecurity and that is what I need to concentrate on fixing instead of trying to change the guys in my life. It wouldn't matter what you looked like, that's the thing. You could be perfection, there will still be someone that gets him excited. And it's not even necessarily the people they look at, sometimes it is just the poses or the looks or the very suggestive sexual message. For me, I get turned on by talking about sex or reading about it not looking at it so much, but that's just me and really it's the same thing isn't it? So why would it be ok for me and not for him? My hangups about naked girls and porn are just that, my hangups. The only thing I hope for is that someday it won't be so lopsided and there will be more naked men in movies, because that part isn't equal and it's not really fair. Hope that helps. Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenWonder Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 I think its natural to have these fears, ok you might have them in an excessive way, but i'm sure plenty of people have gone through these feelings at some point. Insecurity is such an awful feeling, it feels horrible. I think that the images we see around us in our daily lives contribute to this in some way. I mean if we see pictures of beautiful, glamourous, perfectly toned people, and we feel we don't even compare, its bound to make a person feel inadequate, isn't it? The fact is, the sex which dominates the production/direction of media products is male. Its easier to sell a woman, because women will appeal to both sexes for sexual and platonic reasons. Beyonce Knowles for example, guys will want to date her, girls would want her as a friend. Its also easier for men to get funding to make media products such as films and television programmes. Therefore they will always feature woman as sex objects in some form, even in subtle referencing, more so than their male counterparts. I suggest you change the films you watch, go for more underground, independent films, rather than mainstream films which are generally involving sex. Or perhaps, watch widlife programmes, that way you can guarantee there won't be any women to get anxious over! What about animated movies like Disney films? Link to post Share on other sites
toojealous Posted August 4, 2003 Share Posted August 4, 2003 This post might be a little late, but I just happened to come across this forum... I know exactly how all of you feel. I've been with my boyfriend for about a year, and we have been so happy together. I've never had to worry about trusting him, and there is no reason for me to doubt that he loves me completely. I've never had insecurity issues like this before. Lately, though, I've been having horrible feelings of insecurity when I'm with my boyfriend. There was no trigger for this... My b/f often tells me how beautiful he thinks I am and has never acted the least bit dissatisfied with how I look. Now, I find myself cringing at every sight of a halfnaked girl on TV or in a movie whenever we're together. I usually end up insulting them or acting out against how piggish men can be. I know I'm overreacting, but the mere thought of my boyfriend, the love of my life, looking at some other girl's perfectly rounded breasts or butt, makes me want to scream and cry. I'm always wondering if he thinks they are more attractive than me, and I'm sure he does at times...worst of all, what if he's FANTASIZING about someone other than me?!? Sometimes, he'll make a funny comment like, "How about we rewind that?" or some other harmless joke. But even that is enough to make me want to tell him to be with her instead. Thinking about all this makes me want to censor all nudity in the world! I know this is abnormal and that I'm overreacting, but I don't know how to NOT feel this way. What girl wants her man looking at other women's naked bodies??? And why is it so socially acceptable? God forbid a woman wants to see another guy's butt on TV or go to a male strip club. This p***es me off to no end. How do I stop feeling this way? Help! I'm in desperate need of advice/consolation/etc. It's sad to think that so many women have to deal with these feelings, all of which are created by the media. I just hope it doesn't start to ruin our relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
justathought Posted August 4, 2003 Share Posted August 4, 2003 I've been having the same issues as all of you, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that there is no reason for us to feel this way. Why are we going to be jealous of other women who choose to put their bodies on display thereby degrading themselves as sex objects? No offense to the ladies of the world that do this, of course, that's your own choice... Think of it this way: Men can ogle and drool over these "hotties" as much as they want, but when it boils down to it, do they see such girls as anything more than pieces of meat? Nope. When your man looks at a naked chick in a magazine or wherever, he thinks "Ooo boobies, that reminds me of sex"...when he looks at YOU, his woman, he thinks a lot more than just sex. He chose YOU because you are the right combination of hotness and relationship-material....And that's what matters. Those other girls are just hot, and that's it. I dont know any guy that actually wants to DATE a girl that takes her top off for all the men of the world. Wouldn't you rather be the girl he looks at and thinks "Man, I love her" instead of the girl he looks at and thinks "What a nice ass" ..???? For those of you who still aren't convinced, try not to be jealous of other women you think are more attractive or fit than you... Think of them as being the best representatives of the female anatomy! Men worship our bodies...why not rub it in their faces? It's like free advertising. Heh-heh. So next time my boyfriend sees a hot girl take her clothes off, I'm not going to freak out..I'd rather just laugh about it and let him enjoy the sights--it'll make him anxious to see the REAL thing Strip clubs, on the other hand....that's a different story. Link to post Share on other sites
smurfy73nik Posted August 6, 2003 Share Posted August 6, 2003 Okay, I just have to comment on something Tony said. . . . . the thing about in 25 years he's going to be more attracted to young women than he is now. It goes both ways. Men sag and lose their hair when they get older . . . . Women like looking at young ,sexy men and will be thinking the same thoughts about them as men will be thinking about young women. As far as the nudity issue . . . . as long as he's not saying comments like, "too bad you don't look like her" or "I sure you wish you had a body like that" , then I wouldn't worry about it. It's a movie, not a dating service, so there is no way he will ever meet those women. And, there are always going to be people be "prettier, sexier" etc. Just be happy with who you are. I do believe that a confident woman who is secure in her own sexualty is very much a turn on. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted August 7, 2003 Share Posted August 7, 2003 and what he will want to see in later years...that ought to be bothering you. And you'll have to deal with that, too, because there's not a darned thing you can do about it. I guess, if somebody is so superficial that their 'love' for someone is based exclusively on desire and appearance, then he may well be that shallow. Most people love the person. After all, how many hours of your life do you spend having sex versus all the other things a couple does together? Is it worth basing one's total opinion about a woman on her appearance only? I suppose to the truly shallow... Now, ladies who envy these women on tv. Exactly how many of these women have managed to have a long-term, happy marriage? Hm? By your theory, (and Tony's as well,) all this beauty should be sufficient to get and keep a man forever but does this happen? Wise up!!!! It's all about being a good partner, not about your looks. And if you should happen to have a guy who would dump you because you aren't as beautiful as Beyonce, why on earth would you even want to keep such an idiot anyway? A fabulous line from a movie (forget which) "If he's too stupid to realize how terrific I am, he doesn't deserve me". Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted August 7, 2003 Share Posted August 7, 2003 I'm really sorry you have such a hard problem dealing with blunt fact. My statement made no reference to love. It only referred to what actually happens in real life with men as they get older. Their wandering eyes have nothing to do with their love or lack or love of their partner. It has to do with what some women have to be aware of in their men as their men get older...PERIOD. My post is weeks old and you're the first person to come forward and make an unfounded comment on its substance. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted August 7, 2003 Share Posted August 7, 2003 I would have fewer problems with what you say if you didn't purport to be an expert on all of humankind. Your 'statements of fact' are too often only statements of opinion; yours. If you were to present them that way, it would be different, however you make pronouncements as though you had some backing to them other than your own thoughts and this is why I object. Change your phrasing and you'll hear no more from me. Link to post Share on other sites
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