djorchid Posted July 2, 2003 Share Posted July 2, 2003 I have been in a relationship for three years. We shared a strong bond (I thought) and had planned our entire future together. Found out last week that in a "moment of weakness" he cheated on me and the woman he cheated on me with is now pregnant with his child. I can no longer have children (medical prob) but have two from a previous marriage. This was the only issue that we had between the two of us. He wanted children (of his own). He is from another country and the culture of this country is for you to carry on your fathers name. We had discussed adoption etc... but he wasn't very receptive to any of these ideas. An issue that we were trying to deal with. His story is that this woman (that happens to be from his native country) that lives with his friend had been hitting on him for a few months (I have met this woman on a few occassions). His desire to have a child was so strong that in a "moment of weakness" he had sex with her and she became pregnant. He claims that it was only a 'one time thing' and that he now completely regrets what he has done. He claims that he thought that this would be his way of getting the baby that he wanted, even believing that this woman would give this baby to him for us to raise!!!! (do not believe he was thinking about what I would think about all this) He has begged for my forgiveness (even cried) and claims that he loves me very much. He claims that he does not want anything to do with this woman and that he has told her this. He also claims that this woman told him to go on with his life and leave her alone! But this woman calls him on his cell phone constantly and threatens him etc. I do not know what to do. I have experienced the worse pain from this whole entire situation. I feel humiliated, cheated, and down right do not trust him at all. I loved this man with all my heart as he was my best friend, lover, and soulmate. Do I give this man a second chance? What do I do if this woman decides to keep this child? How can I accept and share in his life when he has had a child with another woman? Will I ever be able to trust him again? I am so confused ... would appreciate some advice or input on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted July 3, 2003 Share Posted July 3, 2003 I doubt that I can help you, but I feel so bad for you. I don't know what I would do in your situation - I can try to imagine, but when it comes right down to it, I don't know. My first instinct is to say that you two need some space from each other. No contact for a while and it should be on your terms. If you tell him that you want space and that YOU will contact HIM when you are ready to talk, then he needs to respect that. Even if this was a one-time thing, he now has a life-long bond with this woman because they will share a child. This situation is not going to go away. I love my husband with all my heart and I would like to think that, after everything we have gone through together, I would be able to get past something like this. But I also know me, and I am pretty sure that it would eat away at my insides - maybe not even be noticeable to me--I might think I'm dealing with it, then all of a sudden all those little bites that I didn't feel will culminate in a huge cavity inside of me that is filled with pain. I don't know if that makes any sense. I don't know. You've been in this relationship for three years, yet within the last few months he has cheated on you. There has to be more than just cultural differences here - he had to know how you felt, you said you talked about adopting, etc. If he had just wanted to make sure he had a biological child the two of you could have talked about a surrogate mother and there would not have needed to be any physical contact between him and another woman. I think you need space. It might not be a bad idea to get some professional counseling too. If for no other reason then to help you deal with this and to help your children deal with this - he was part of their lives for 3 years too. Maybe you can think of it in that way. If this were to happen to one of your children, what advice would you give them? How would you want them to handle it? How would you help or advise them? And think about how you handle the situation and what role model you are setting for them. That might help you to sort out some of your feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 3, 2003 Share Posted July 3, 2003 YOU WRITE: "His desire to have a child was so strong that in a "moment of weakness" he had sex with her and she became pregnant." I haven't laughed so hard in years....and if you buy that BS you need to go back to school. Men don't just up and screw somebody they aren't in a relationship with because they have this incredible urge to have a child. They do it because they're horney, perhaps a little drunk, and they care about their sexual gratification and nothing else. On the outside chance that he was being honest with you, he is just plain out of his mind insane. This is not a man you want to have in your life. Can you imagine being married to this guy and having him jump the bones of some female everytime he gets horney...uh, sorry, I mean has a strong desire to have a child. DUH!!! Gimmee a break. This is the most insane thing I've ever seen written in this forum...no, on the entire Internet!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author djorchid Posted July 3, 2003 Author Share Posted July 3, 2003 I thank Hokey for being honest and caring. Tony, I am glad that my dilema found some gratification for you in your life! People do some stupid and insane things in their life and I am sure that you are "not" without faults. My fiance does not drink so it was not due to drunkeness that he did this. He made a mistake. There is more to the story regarding cultural issues etc. but I feel that I have visited the wrong website for advice and support. In hopes that you may have to seek support or advice from anyone in the future, I hope that you get a response from someone like yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
wideawake Posted July 3, 2003 Share Posted July 3, 2003 Hey djorchid, You asked for advise and here is mine. I've had a friend that did this exact same thing to his wife. She gave him a second chance and he continued to screw other woman. Here's my advise - Kick his ass to the curb and find someone that will respect you. He's trash and always will be. Link to post Share on other sites
veggie Posted July 3, 2003 Share Posted July 3, 2003 The problem I am having with seeing this as a one-time occurrence is that your bf's story does not add up. He told you that he was only intimate with this other woman in a "moment of weakness" and yet, by some terrific coincidence he managed to impregnate her in that single occurrence. He also says that it was his desire to have a baby that led to this moment of weakness, which suggests that this was not an unplanned event but that he and this woman had discussed this very eventuality. Otherwise, the odds of this motivation (him wanting a baby as an excuse for cheating) combining with the outcome (she's pregnant) would likely not have occurred. When you put this together with the importance he places on having a child and the fact that this other woman is from his country, I would say that you do not really have a choice. My guess is that regardless how much he loves you (and he may, in fact, love you and be terribly conflicted), he will ultimately choose to be with his baby and, quite likely, his baby's mother. Not knowing what country/culture your bf is from, what I am about to say is a guess, but at least consider that many of the cultures that value male offspring above all else also tend to accept married men having women on the side. Although I realize you are in a world of hurt at the moment, you deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
maskee28 Posted July 3, 2003 Share Posted July 3, 2003 I agree with wideawake - kick him to the curb... If this is what he does in a "moment of weakness", he's obviously not a very strong person. His actions showed absolutely NO respect for his relationship with you, and NO consideration for your feelings. Even aside from his little 'mistake', the relationship faces an obstacle that may be too big to overcome: the fact that you are unable to have more children, and he is simply not willing to consider other avenues such as adoption... Link to post Share on other sites
yagottahelp Posted July 4, 2003 Share Posted July 4, 2003 Hello, I really feel bad about your issue, it's truly a tough situation. Although in most cases i am against games, in this case, it might not be a bad idea. I'm not saying screw with this guy totally-but he needs to show you he loves you. And i don't mean cry a night or two and bring you pretty flowers. He has to be there for you. I mean over a time span, a month, two months-till you know for sure he ios there, or he'd rather have sex with girls. When you come to a conclusion, whether is be he loves you and he did screw up (i guess people do make mistakes-but this is alittle fishy in this situaton) or if he doesn't come through, you have to accept it-no making excuses for him. Also realize that if you do stay with him, you have to b e able to deal with this child. If he's part of your life, it will b e part of your life, and also a constant reminder of what happened. Link to post Share on other sites
stupidbutsorry Posted July 4, 2003 Share Posted July 4, 2003 I think that he wasn't looking at all of the consequences when he had his "moment of weakness" and now the other woman feels that she has him trapped and is trying to control him, and he just wants to be with you. He needs your support against her, even though it may be hard to give. He made a really bad mistake, but he'll never do it again, that is for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
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