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My bf told me he would be completely miserable without HER!


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Where to begin...

 

I know people don't like to read through really long posts, but please bear with me...I really need advice.

 

Ok, some background info:

 

I started dating my bf almost two years ago. He has a friend/ex gf who decided she didn't like me as soon as I met her, despite me trying to be friendly with her, because she was jealous that I was getting more attention from my bf than she was (we'll call her Erica). The first night that I met her, she even called my bf later that night telling him that I glared at her sister (this was absolutely not true). This happened a month into our relationship. From then on, Erica called my bf almost every day with these incidents that apparently happened to her...just to make my bf worried about her and to get him to come running to her...and it worked most of the time. After about a month of this, I began to get tired of it. So, I went to my bf and told him what I was noticing and that it was starting to upset me. He pretty much brushed me off and told me she wouldn't do anything like that. So, Erica's games continued. She graduated that summer (4 months into mine and my bf's relationship) and she posted pictures of her grasping my bf and kissing him on the cheek on her facebook. And every time he came to my house to visit me, she would text him right away asking him when he was coming back home (my bf and I go to the same college, but our hometowns are 3 hours away from each other).

 

Fall semester started and my bf told me that he talked to Erica and told her to stop her games because it was upsetting me. Yet, she still played games from what I saw. I admit, she didn't do it as much, but she was still controlling my bf to some degree. By December I got really tired of it. So, my bf told me to send her a message. So, I did. Even though I tried to establish boundaries with her (because she was clearly crossing the line), I tried to be as polite as I could. I said things like "could you please not call my bf about every little thing? it's interfereing in our relationship". I also said "I understand you two don't talk as much as you used to, and I really appreciate it, but I still deserve respect as his gf," and "I would appreciate hearing your thoughts on the issue" and "thank you for your time". She got pissed and told my bf the message I sent her was really bitchy and she threatened to end their friendship. So, my bf got pissed at me, and we fought and broke up (this was almost a year into our relationship).

 

After several months of almost no communication, my bf and I started talking to each other and visiting each other the next summer. We still loved each other...we just didn't know what to do about Erica. He still wanted to be friends with her, and I wanted her out of our lives. My bf and I got back together at the end of the summer when school started again. My bf and I came to an agreement that if I would tolerate Erica being in his life, then he would rarely talk to her for my sake. And if she crossed the line, he said he would defend me. In October, Erica realized that my bf wasn't calling her and she send him a bitchy message. To sum up the message, she told him to start caring about her more and start calling her more to see how she is doing or else she could never trust him as a friend again, and their friendship will be over. She even mentioned in the message that she thinks it's a shame he is dating me. So, he started talking to her more often. It's funny how all she has to do is give him an ultimatum and then he gives her whatever she wants.

 

Now to the present:

 

Erica is still a bitch to me, and my bf has yet to stand up for me. But at the same time, he doesn't talk to her nearly as much as he used to. But when this semester started, I started seeing her at his table talking to him and hugging him almost every day. That upset me. Also, last week my bf decided to eat in a different building than we normally do because he wanted a change in food variety. I found out later that Erica found out where we were eating, and she sent my bf a bitchy text that said "this situation is getting really ridiculous. two people should be able to sit in the same room together. And you know the problem isn't me." She didn't know that it was MY BF's idea and NOT MINE. She needs to get her facts straight before she sends bitchy texts. So, that pissed me off.

 

So, it is still a very sensitive issue this week, and my bf and I had a big fight about it last night and this morning. I told him we both don't need this stress and he won't get rid of her, so I'm going to break the relationship off. He got upset and said he didn't want to end it. He wants to be with me. I told him I can't deal with her anymore. I asked him why she is so important to him. If she is that important to him, then he should date her and not me. He told me he loves me and I'm the one he wants, but he would be "completely miserable without her". I told him if that's how he feels, then I think he still has some feelings for her. If that's the case, then why is he with me. He should be dating her. He refuses to date her, yet he "would be completely miserable without her," yet he wants to be with me.

 

To top things off, my bf got a mutual friend of ours to talk to me about the situation (we'll call him Fred). Fred told me he does think Erica is shallow and can be a bitch, but he kind of agrees with my bf because when Fred was dating his gf, she didn't get along with his friend/ex gf. But the thing is...Fred still had feelings for his friend/ex gf. So, I don't know what to do. I care about my bf very much, but I will always think he still has feelings for Erica if he is seriously going to be that miserable without her in this life.

 

So, my questions to you are:

 

Do you think I'm being too paranoid and I just need to chill out and get over this situation?

 

Do you think my bf and I should just break up since we both feel very strongly and have very different opinions about this situation?

 

Do you think my bf still has some feelings for Erica?

 

I really need guidance and advice. Even if you think I'm too paranoid, or even a complete bitch, I want you to say so, but could you please be gentle about it? I have very sensitive feelings. I just need help. Thanks for your advice.

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Friends of an SO who actively sabotage your relationship have to go or you do once they show time and time again that they aren't going to change, simple as that. You aren't being paranoid, your BF has been an ass to let this continue as long as it has.

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Here is a huge red flag in your post, "So my boyfriend told ME to send HER a message"... What? Is he TWELVE and doesn't know how to talk to girls??? He LOVES the attention of two women who are feuding over him, kind of the opposite of the two knights jousting for one lady's attention. He is enabling this, and you are buying into this and she is making you look like "that crazy harpie girlfriend"...That is just how Erica wants you to look. If he did not encourage Erica, she would be long gone. He is the problem.

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Where to begin...

 

I know people don't like to read through really long posts, but please bear with me...I really need advice.

 

Ok, some background info:

 

I started dating my bf almost two years ago. He has a friend/ex gf who decided she didn't like me as soon as I met her, despite me trying to be friendly with her, because she was jealous that I was getting more attention from my bf than she was (we'll call her Erica). The first night that I met her, she even called my bf later that night telling him that I glared at her sister (this was absolutely not true). This happened a month into our relationship. From then on, Erica called my bf almost every day with these incidents that apparently happened to her...just to make my bf worried about her and to get him to come running to her...and it worked most of the time. After about a month of this, I began to get tired of it. So, I went to my bf and told him what I was noticing and that it was starting to upset me. He pretty much brushed me off and told me she wouldn't do anything like that. So, Erica's games continued. She graduated that summer (4 months into mine and my bf's relationship) and she posted pictures of her grasping my bf and kissing him on the cheek on her facebook. And every time he came to my house to visit me, she would text him right away asking him when he was coming back home (my bf and I go to the same college, but our hometowns are 3 hours away from each other).

 

Fall semester started and my bf told me that he talked to Erica and told her to stop her games because it was upsetting me. Yet, she still played games from what I saw. I admit, she didn't do it as much, but she was still controlling my bf to some degree. By December I got really tired of it. So, my bf told me to send her a message. So, I did. Even though I tried to establish boundaries with her (because she was clearly crossing the line), I tried to be as polite as I could. I said things like "could you please not call my bf about every little thing? it's interfereing in our relationship". I also said "I understand you two don't talk as much as you used to, and I really appreciate it, but I still deserve respect as his gf," and "I would appreciate hearing your thoughts on the issue" and "thank you for your time". She got pissed and told my bf the message I sent her was really bitchy and she threatened to end their friendship. So, my bf got pissed at me, and we fought and broke up (this was almost a year into our relationship).

 

After several months of almost no communication, my bf and I started talking to each other and visiting each other the next summer. We still loved each other...we just didn't know what to do about Erica. He still wanted to be friends with her, and I wanted her out of our lives. My bf and I got back together at the end of the summer when school started again. My bf and I came to an agreement that if I would tolerate Erica being in his life, then he would rarely talk to her for my sake. And if she crossed the line, he said he would defend me. In October, Erica realized that my bf wasn't calling her and she send him a bitchy message. To sum up the message, she told him to start caring about her more and start calling her more to see how she is doing or else she could never trust him as a friend again, and their friendship will be over. She even mentioned in the message that she thinks it's a shame he is dating me. So, he started talking to her more often. It's funny how all she has to do is give him an ultimatum and then he gives her whatever she wants.

 

Now to the present:

 

Erica is still a bitch to me, and my bf has yet to stand up for me. But at the same time, he doesn't talk to her nearly as much as he used to. But when this semester started, I started seeing her at his table talking to him and hugging him almost every day. That upset me. Also, last week my bf decided to eat in a different building than we normally do because he wanted a change in food variety. I found out later that Erica found out where we were eating, and she sent my bf a bitchy text that said "this situation is getting really ridiculous. two people should be able to sit in the same room together. And you know the problem isn't me." She didn't know that it was MY BF's idea and NOT MINE. She needs to get her facts straight before she sends bitchy texts. So, that pissed me off.

 

So, it is still a very sensitive issue this week, and my bf and I had a big fight about it last night and this morning. I told him we both don't need this stress and he won't get rid of her, so I'm going to break the relationship off. He got upset and said he didn't want to end it. He wants to be with me. I told him I can't deal with her anymore. I asked him why she is so important to him. If she is that important to him, then he should date her and not me. He told me he loves me and I'm the one he wants, but he would be "completely miserable without her". I told him if that's how he feels, then I think he still has some feelings for her. If that's the case, then why is he with me. He should be dating her. He refuses to date her, yet he "would be completely miserable without her," yet he wants to be with me.

 

To top things off, my bf got a mutual friend of ours to talk to me about the situation (we'll call him Fred). Fred told me he does think Erica is shallow and can be a bitch, but he kind of agrees with my bf because when Fred was dating his gf, she didn't get along with his friend/ex gf. But the thing is...Fred still had feelings for his friend/ex gf. So, I don't know what to do. I care about my bf very much, but I will always think he still has feelings for Erica if he is seriously going to be that miserable without her in this life.

 

So, my questions to you are:

 

Do you think I'm being too paranoid and I just need to chill out and get over this situation?

 

Do you think my bf and I should just break up since we both feel very strongly and have very different opinions about this situation?

 

Do you think my bf still has some feelings for Erica?

 

I really need guidance and advice. Even if you think I'm too paranoid, or even a complete bitch, I want you to say so, but could you please be gentle about it? I have very sensitive feelings. I just need help. Thanks for your advice.

 

I don't think your a complete bitch. I think it's astounding how much bull**** you actually put up with and I'm not sure why you would. Erica is not a friend, she is an ex. They shared romance, probably sex, kisses, miss you's their life. There is no I mean NONE whatsoever reason good enough why she should of even been in his life if he was having a serious gf (2 years). That **** is just RIDICULOUS. I had a guy friend who I'd known something like 8 years or so- we never dated but we did have sex in the past- so it made my current beau uncomfortable. I was serious about current beau and knew it- so friend went bye bye. That might sound harsh but he was a guy- we'd had sex before- and my current partner was more important to me - I ended the friendship and never looked back. This too might sound cold but it never bothered me. Sure, I hoped he had a good life and so on and so forth but I didn't cry about it and boo hoo and I never once felt miserable about it.

 

Therefore, I think it's obvious and has been ALL ALONG that your bf has feelings for this girl. This never should of gone on this long ever, you totally let him walk all over you.

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You are way too patient! I would have said Bye, Bye, Bye to him a long time ago!!!

 

You don't need this drama in your life. Since Erica loves giving him ultimatums, then why don't you? It's either you or Erica.

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Hey Ash---this is real simple, either your BF goes permanent and complete NC in all ways, shapes, and forms, or you are out of his life.

 

He is sitting on the fence playing both of you. Do you want to be part of a 3some, cuz right now that's what you are in.

 

Your BF is an immature baby----this mess with his X, is his to take care of, not your's. Why would you want to spend any more time with a guy who would stand back and watch his supposedly loving partner, suffer, as he has made you suffer. You are not paranoid, and what you need to do, is to dump this guy.

 

There are millions of guys out there especially at your age THAT WILL NOT COME WITH BAGGAGE ATTACHED TO THEMSELVES. If you for some stupid reason want to stay with this guy, then YOU set up some boundaries, with strict consequences that you will follow thru on, and he obeys them, or tell him to get out of your life. This is your life, YOU MAKE THE CHOICES, YOU DECIDE THE RULES.

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Citizen Erased

He's clearly still emotionally attached to her, it is incredibly disrespectful of him to even still have her in his life in this way, let alone when she's being such a bitch.

 

I wouldn't even give an ultimatum, if he was my bf I'd be incredibly turned off by that sort of treatment. Says a lot about his character IMO.

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Fact this guy isn't standing in your corner at all just shows where his loyalities are. If I were you, as heartbreaking and painful as this will be - BREAK UP WITH HIM.

 

He is emotionally attached to his ex girlfriend and until HE stops this (not her) you two don't have a chance. She is jealous and interferring, and he is letting her be too involved.

 

Remove yourself, walk away completely. IF he is truly sorry and realizes how much he loves you, then let his actions show you (ie telling the ex to take a hike) and do all possible to win you back. IF he chooses to remain friends with her, then you don't need him as your boyfriend.

 

IF you choose to do nothing and stay with him, then accept that he is going to treat you badly and put his ex first most of the time.

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This isn't an Erica issue, this is a boyfriend issue. He clearly still has feelings for her, she prob dumped him, which is why he can't let go. He is subjecting you to all this drama out of sheer selfishness. You have been way too patient, and it's time to take a stance. He will have to choose, exgirlfriend or you, he can't have both and it's your job to enforce that notion.

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It sounds like you have basically said its me or her and he has chosen her.

 

Even if he has not blatantly chosen her...he did not choose you.

 

Bail.

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make me believe

You've put up with WAY too much already. This girl is toxic to your relationship (because your boyfriend lets her be), and if your bf was serious about you he would have cut her out of his life completely. But he clearly enjoys the attention/drama or has feelings for her. I would NEVER EVER stay with a guy who refused to cut a "friend" like that out of his life and then claimed that he'd be completely miserable without her. Come on!

 

They are both disrespecting you BIG TIME, and you need to dump your bf and find somebody who will put YOU first.

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i agree with everyone who's posted.

its not Erica thats the problem, its your BF. when he said he would be miserable without her that must have been like a massive slap in the face for you.

I would be so, so angry if that had been said to me. talk about a p*ss take.

you deserve way, way more than whats going on.

 

you've been very patient, more so than most people would IMO.

your BF either needs to grow a spine and boot her out of his life, or say goodbye to you.

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Hey Ash.....

 

See if you can get your bf to read this article. Maybe he'll wake up before it's too late.

 

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/but_if_we_started_dating_it

 

The last paragraph really hits it on the mark.

 

BTW, no you're not paranoid, or over-reacting.No, you don't just need to "chill out and get over the situation.."

 

(why do i get the feeling that those are your bf's words, and not yours...)

 

You have every right to be upset, mad, furious, pissed, worried, concerned.......................

 

One thing you could say to your bf is,"Hey you might as well date her again, it looks like she's going to sabotage any other relationship that you attempt to have. Hope you realize what you're signing up for........."

 

The Onion article really sums it up nicely. Good luck with whatever you decide.

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Thank you for your thoughts and advice, everyone. It has really put it into perspective for me and has let me know that I, in fact, AM NOT crazy or bitchy or the problem.

 

Jenifer1972, I have always thought about that. I'm a nice person, and it's not fair for people to unjustly throw my name in the dirt around other people. You're right when you said she is making me look like "that crazy harpie girlfriend". That's exactly what she is doing, and everyone around her is buying into it.

 

Hoping2heal, you're right about what you posted. I even gave up a couple guy friends for my bf. One of them was an ex bf who mistreated me in the past, so I had no problem letting him go. The other one actually came on to me a little bit, so it only makes sense to let him go, because I was in a serious relationship. Yet my bf refuses to do the same for me.

 

Pretty much all of you have told me since she likes giving him ultimatums, then I need to give him one, and actually enforce it. I know this is something I've had trouble with in the past. I have given him an ultimatum a few different times...me or her. He would refuse to choose. He wants both of us, but he can't have both. And although it'll really hurt, I think I'm actually starting to see that I need to get out of this situation and be completely serious about it. If he wants me back and is truely sorry, then he needs to get rid of her, like whichwayisup mentioned.

 

Jnj express, that question you posed about why would he sit back and watch someone he supposedly cares about so much get hurt...I've asked my bf that so many times. I either don't get a straight answer or he blames it on me and says she wouldn't be a bitch to me if I didn't provoke her....Um, I have no communication with her, and I don't really see her around. So how can I provoke her?

 

Twenty-ten, you are right on with your guess. She did dump him. She dumped him for another guy, and I don't think he ever got over it.

 

Miad's Princess, I'm trying to get him to think about that. He told me he would be completely miserable without her. But, he refuses to let me go, and he tells me he would be so miserable without me. But, as you said, he needs to figure out who he is going to be more miserable without. Like you said, he can't have both.

 

2sure, yeah I agree with you. Even though he says he refuses to choose, he has chosen her. He's not going to let her go.

 

Make Me Believe, yes I know I've put up with too much. I let my feelings get in the way too easily, and I let him tell me he loves me when I try to leave, so I don't go. It is very hard for me. But you're right, I need to get over it and find someone who puts ME first, like you said.

 

Malenfant, it hurt me so much when he said he would be comepletely miserable without her. It was a slap in the face, a knife in the heart, a piss take, you name it. When I mentioned this to him and said that he would be fine without me, only THEN did he say that "you know I would be completely miserable without you too". That was rough.

 

Freestyle, thank you so much for that link to The Onion article. It really does sum my situation up pretty well, especially the last paragraph. I sent the link to my bf and asked him to read it and to really think about it. He said he would read it. Hopefully it gets through to him, even if not for our relationship, then at least for him so he can still get that manipulative person out of his life. What the article said is exactly what I've been trying to tell him all along, but he wouldn't listen to me. I don't know, maybe he'll listen to the article. It's worth a shot. So, thanks again for that! Also, those words about me being "paranoid" and needing to "chill out about the situation" are my bf's words to me. You hit the nail on the head.

 

Thanks again, everyone for your support, advice, and comments. I look forward to hearing any other thoughts or comments. Thank you!

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Hey Ash.

 

just curious about what your bf thought about the article,if you've discussed with him yet or not.

 

there's a handful of stories similar to yours here that might give you more insight, if I have time, I'll post the links.

 

There's a poster here who had a great term for the dynamic between your bf and his ex/"friend". It could very well be that she views him as a BBBF;

a Back-Burner Boyfriend.

 

she doesn't want to be with him now, but he's expected to sit patiently on her back-burner in case he's ever needed....like when she needs validation in between boyfriends:rolleyes:. What a great ego stroke for her to know that he's pining away back there.And how dare you come along and screw that up for her..........How dare he leave her back burner to sit on another stove where his needs are actually met......?

 

IMO. there's a basic, fundamental rule for mainting friendships with exes,there can be no disrespecting of the new partner. Period. If she was a true friend to your bf, she wouldn't try to sabotage his finding happiness with someone new.

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I only have one standard bit of relationship advise because I find it works for pretty much any relationship problem.

 

Don't get crazy over it, just get gone.

 

Meaning if you find the relationship you're having adds so much stress to your life that you feel like you're going crazy mad - it is an unhealthy relationship and you will be better without it and the person you're having it with. Its not about the girl and she isn't causing the problem.

He is and you sticking around is only enabling him to continue making you crazy.

 

Better luck in life to you. :)

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Freestyle, you make such good points! That is exactly how I've been feeling. I know she is thinking I stole her perfect world by getting involved with my bf. But she still needs to respect me and the fact that I make him happy. They both need to let go. She needs to let him be happy without her, and he needs to realize he is happy without her and he needs to get away from her if he is going to have a healthy relationship. I am hoping he sees that after he reads the article. I sent it to him last night, and he said he recieved it, but he didn't say whether or not he read it or what he thought. In the message I sent, I told him to really think about it, so that's probably what he is doing. Plus, he works crazy hours during the weekends, so all he does pretty much is eat, sleep, and go to work, so I don't talk to him much or see him over the weekends. But I'll be sure to let you know as soon as he tells me what he thinks! Thanks again so much for sending me that link!

 

Sally4sara and zwieback.toast, thank you for your advice.

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You are deluding yourself, and you know it---she is never gonna let go, and he is to weak to go strict NC----You can come up with all the gimmicks you want---This is not the person you want to be in a relationship with---

 

HE HAS BAGGAGE THAT HE CANNOT AND WILL NOT SHED

 

Think what this would be like if you were married to this guy, and could not just walk away. Right now you are in denial---wake up the the reality of this situation.

 

The ACTIONS here are way louder than any words that have been spoken. This guy and his baggage will hurt you for the rest of the time that you tie yourself to him.

 

You get one trip thru life on this planet, and you better do it right the 1st time, cuz it's your only chance, this guy has done nothing but bring you pain and misery----wake up and run from his as fast as you can.

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You have him dead to rights on this one! This girl is competing for his attention and he is allowing it. Trying to keep her happy while keeping you happy...and blah blah blah. This is basically a guy who's testicles have not fully matured yet. He has not yet learned intimate boundaries and emotional integrity.

 

He needs to make a choice. The statement that he would be miserable without her is an excuse to continue his codependent (I can't let go of the emotional baggage) BS!

 

He isn't going to change this behavior until he deals with some consequences. You need to tell him you are leaving until he makes a choice...a non-negotiable choice that either she is out of his life completely; or you are! He can't have it both ways. This girl is obviously dysfunctional, and so is he to allow her to violate your relationship this way.

 

You just need to tell him like it is...and stand ready to follow through with your word...this crap is ridiculous!

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