male strippers, ex-coworker jealousy and more fun

[ChampionSound]

It may say more about me than her, but I've upset about how other men are behaving toward my girlfriend, and the choices she makes about continuing to have them in her life.

 

Example one is an ex-coworker. She has told me that he 'had a crush' on her for a long time while they were working together, but nothing ever came of it, presumably because she was with me. A few weeks ago she went out for drinks with the ex-coworker and someone he knows, and ended up studying at his apartment for a few hours. I didn't make a big deal of it, because she just laughed when I suggested that it sounded like he still wanted more that 'just friends'. And in three years I've *never* gone through her email, but I noticed a bunch of messages from him in her facebook inbox, so I had to check them out. They have been talking back and forth for a few weeks straight, and he made several comments about how much he wants her, and how pretty she is, and how much he likes seeing her every day at her new workplace (from the street in front of it), and how cute her ass is... You get the idea.

 

I'm not threatened by this guy, but it seems disrespectful to me to have her going out of her way to stay in this particular persons life.

 

Second example.... A few days ago, my gf had a female friend from out of town stay with us. Her friend went out to a male strip club and gave her contact information to one of the strippers. The next day, this guy shows up uninvited at our door looking for our guest (who he knew wasn't with us because he had called earlier and spoke with my girl). I knew that the girl staying with us would appreciate if I let him stay, so I welcomed him in and hoped she would arrive home soon. Not great manners on her part to give out our address, but whatever. In the meantime, my gf is laughing and chatting with this guy who she later told me is 'really hot' and 'really nice' and my impression of the guy is that he is a hustler and although pretty charming, and I understand why he could make a little money entertaining the ladies, not at all the kind of person that I would want anywhere near my life.

 

Not that I have anything against strippers. Good people are good people, but sometimes you just have to make a judgment call.

 

Anyway, the next day I was talking to my girlfriend about this guy and how I wasn't happy with the situation and she told me that he had asked her name and added her on his facebook. I let it rest and thought about it for a bit, but by the next morning I had made up my mind: I was not ok with it.

 

I told her this, and she basically told me to suck it up or pack my bags. She very firmly said that she wants to be the one to decide who is or isn't part of her life. I understand that totally, but what I'm feeling is that she is making some bad decisions, and I feel pretty helpless about it.

 

I know part of it is my fault since I don't provide her with enough social options at home. She has very few friends right now, and I understand needing to be involved in more than home and work life. So that would be one strategy - help provide her with safer playmates. But another part of me says that I'm a chump for just standing by and watching it happen.

[jnj express]

Yes you are being way to soft in this situation. 1st, stripper should not have been allowed to come to your home, he is just looking for ways to add to his client list. Your Gf disrespected you by going overboard in her interactions with the stripper. 2nd, as to the other guy, if you really want to stop him call him up yourself and tell him to get out of your and your Gf's life or else. BUT this doesn't sound like the strongest of relationships if your Gf is telling you to suck it up. That doesn't happen in a committed relationship. How strong and tight a relationship do you have, and where is it going. If it is just dating then yes she can do and see whomever she wants. You need to have a serious talk with your Gf NOW, about the status of your relationship with her. Then make your decision about what to do WITH YOUR LIFE from there.

[Janicee]

Your girl appears to lack clear boundary in affliating with other males when she has been engaged you. And you seem to be unable to reflect your real feeling towards her being so lax and loose. If you regard it as a committed love, I am sure that it is at risk right now. You need to consider if she has already had intimate relationship with other guys also. I hope you would have your clear position and expectation for a committed love to continue. When the girl has been so lacking of respect towards you, the prospect for your relationship is dim. I hope you stay firm and make your own choice rather than being manipulated by her. Good luck!

[ChampionSound]

BUT this doesn't sound like the strongest of relationships if your Gf is telling you to suck it up. That doesn't happen in a committed relationship.

 

Believe it or not, we actually do ok. We've survived living together over 2 years now. For all the turbulence along the way, that's a record for me

 

I'm really not cool with her ultimatum, though. I did consider writing to this guy or going to talk to him where he works, but I think the solution here is more talking with her to make sure she understands that she is hurting our relationship and my trust in her. I just know how she is going to react, though and she will make it seem like I'm a big jerk who wants to control her, and who is insecure about other males being around her rather than trusting her.

 

And we did talk recently about the stripper guy, and she honestly seemed to have a hard time seeing why she shouldn't give this guy a way to be in her life - as she said 'its just facebook'. I mean, I happen to have two female stripper friends on facebook myself (one was a regular customer at my workplace the other an old fling who became a friend), but for me the context is totally different. At no time since I have been with my girl were either of them acting interested in trying to get in my pants.

 

I feel like I shouldn't have to monitor my gf or even be insecure about this stuff. I really want her to have a rich and rewarding social life. But how do I get her to see that these people are inappropriate? Talking hasn't helped much yet.

[ChampionSound]

Yes you are being way to soft in this situation. 1st, stripper should not have been allowed to come to your home, he is just looking for ways to add to his client list. Your Gf disrespected you by going overboard in her interactions with the stripper.

 

It may have been a mistake to let him come in, but I made the decision based on the fact that I knew that the girl he had come to see would be back soon - It seemed like the polite thing to do. As far as my girlfriend laughing and chatting with him, I wasn't upset about it until she gave him her facebook info. I think light flirtation is ok, after all just because she is with me doesn't mean she doesn't have a heartbeat or can't enjoy chatting with members of the opposite sex. You just don't take it to the point of giving your contact information (unless the person becomes a real friend, not just some random dude who happens to be cute and most likely would manipulate any opportunity to get in your pants).

[Bejita463]

And we did talk recently about the stripper guy, and she honestly seemed to have a hard time seeing why she shouldn't give this guy a way to be in her life - as she said 'its just facebook'. I mean, I happen to have two female stripper friends on facebook myself (one was a regular customer at my workplace the other an old fling who became a friend), but for me the context is totally different. At no time since I have been with my girl were either of them acting interested in trying to get in my pants.

 

Hypocrisy. How does she know you aren't trying to get in their pants? I'm not sure I would like what your girlfriend is doing myself, but the part I quoted made it seem like a double standard. She should not be leading these guys on, but for all she knows you are flirting with your friends the same way hers are with her.

 

This would be something to talk with her about. Maybe your definitions of what are and are not acceptable simply are not in sync, and she thinks you are both behaving as though on the same page. OR, she could be trying to prove a point to you about your own associations.

 

Just things to think about. Devil's advocate and such.

[ChampionSound]

Hypocrisy. How does she know you aren't trying to get in their pants? I'm not sure I would like what your girlfriend is doing myself, but the part I quoted made it seem like a double standard. She should not be leading these guys on, but for all she knows you are flirting with your friends the same way hers are with her.

 

This would be something to talk with her about. Maybe your definitions of what are and are not acceptable simply are not in sync, and she thinks you are both behaving as though on the same page. OR, she could be trying to prove a point to you about your own associations.

 

Just things to think about. Devil's advocate and such.

 

Yeah, the double standard thing is part of her perspective for sure. The strippers I have on facebook... well, the difference is that one could be considered an ex (we dated briefly, but don't talk now), and the other has mutual friends with me so she added me to facebook. We've never exchanged a single message outside regular workplace chit-chat, and she has never told me how much she wants me or likes my ass.

 

I understand other guys will find my gf attractive and try to make her interested in them. That's part of the game, right? But I would never go out of my way to maintain friendships with a girl who was interested in me. I actually have stopped talking to more that one female because I felt it could damage my relationship with my girlfriend, even if I had no intention of doing anything with them.

 

And look, she can be friends will every male stripper in town. I really wouldn't be hurt by that. But there is a difference between a legitimate friendship and going out of your way to communicate with multiple people who clearly want to have something physical with you.

[ChampionSound]

I guess my question is am I correct to confront her about these guys and insist that she show me the simple respect of not being in touch with people who clearly want to sleep with her? She says she can control the situation and knows what is best for her, and isn't interested in being with other people. But I don't understand if this was true why you would put yourself in that situation in the first place.

[samspade]

I told her this, and she basically told me to suck it up or pack my bags. She very firmly said that she wants to be the one to decide who is or isn't part of her life.

 

Pack your bags. She is either cheating on you or considering it. In any case, her behavior is way out of line, and you should hold your girlfriends to higher standards than this.

[Dexter Morgan]

Champion,

find a new girlfriend....one that is worth a squirt of p!ss at least.

[Bejita463]

Champion,

find a new girlfriend....one that is worth a squirt of p!ss at least.

 

I am unsure how well I played the DA, but I agree with this.

[sally4sara]

Sounds to me like this stripper/facebook thing is a bit of the tit for tat. Your GF is serving it up to you so you can take a walk in her shoes. This male stripper is a complete stranger and an interest to her friend. Why else would she want to know him. He isn't even an ex (like ONE of your's is). If you seriously don't like her having this practical stranger on her facebook, imagine how she feels about you having your ex who is a stripper on yours.

 

Tit for tat dude. If she isn't worth a squirt of piss over this then neither would you be in my book.

 

Have another talk and instead ask her how she feels about your facebook page contacts.

[ChampionSound]

Sounds to me like this stripper/facebook thing is a bit of the tit for tat. Your GF is serving it up to you so you can take a walk in her shoes. This male stripper is a complete stranger and an interest to her friend. Why else would she want to know him. He isn't even an ex (like ONE of your's is). If you seriously don't like her having this practical stranger on her facebook, imagine how she feels about you having your ex who is a stripper on yours.

 

Tit for tat dude. If she isn't worth a squirt of piss over this then neither would you be in my book.

 

Have another talk and instead ask her how she feels about your facebook page contacts.

 

Look, it was a hit-and-run thing for the stripper guy when he came to our house. My gf's friend left town two hours later. This is a guy who is in it for the p*ssy, and my perception was that my gf would be fair game the moment I walked around a corner. On the other hand, I have an stripper friend on facebook, but we haven't spoken in person since I met my current girl, and I think having ex's on facebook is still considered ok for most folks, as long as there isn't anything funny going on. As for the girl at work, she has been a customer for a while, and happens to be friends with several of my friends. She has not flirted with me once, and has presented herself as a decent person. Take out the word 'stripper', and it becomes nothing.

 

I'm not an angel, and I have made mistakes before too. But I have never given or asked for contact information from anyone that I have met, and I have never put myself in a situation where people who wanted to get physical with me were led on to believe that I might be interested.

[sally4sara]

Look, it was a hit-and-run thing for the stripper guy when he came to our house. My gf's friend left town two hours later. This is a guy who is in it for the p*ssy, and my perception was that my gf would be fair game the moment I walked around a corner. On the other hand, I have an stripper friend on facebook, but we haven't spoken in person since I met my current girl, and I think having ex's on facebook is still considered ok for most folks, as long as there isn't anything funny going on. As for the girl at work, she has been a customer for a while, and happens to be friends with several of my friends. She has not flirted with me once, and has presented herself as a decent person. Take out the word 'stripper', and it becomes nothing.

 

I'm not an angel, and I have made mistakes before too. But I have never given or asked for contact information from anyone that I have met, and I have never put myself in a situation where people who wanted to get physical with me were led on to believe that I might be interested.

 

But you KNOW all this and how it relates to you. You get to rest assured in that knowledge where your GF doesn't. I'm not saying you're wrong for these things, I'm just pointing out that it would be just as easy for your GF to be upset by things on your end. And if she is upset by it, an easy way for her to drive that point home would be to do the same. Is it her fault that she doesn't have a stripper ex to do the EXACT same thing back? Would this all be more understandable if she had screwed around with this stripper guy in the past?

Its about how an outsider perceives it compared to how the person who is in on it KNOWS it is. You don't like your perception of what your GF has going on. If you step outside of your life; how would it look to a stranger?

 

I'm a stranger, and I'm telling you it seems like you're getting uneasy over something very similar to your own facebook page associations. Take it for what you will. Just don't be a hypocrite about it.

[Dexter Morgan]

Tit for tat dude. If she isn't worth a squirt of piss over this then neither would you be in my book.

 

Have another talk and instead ask her how she feels about your facebook page contacts.

 

having someone on facebook, X or otherwise, is one thing.

 

having someone on facebook that you went out with, shoves it in one's face how "hot" he is, and flirting beyond belief is quite another.

 

And then he expresses his feelings about it and she tells him to "suck it up or pack his bags"??? Are you kidding me?

 

In other words she is saying, "your feelings don't mean a damn thing to me".

 

Champion...I'd pack my bags and move out without saying a word.

 

or is it YOUR place? If so, pack HER bags and tell her..."well....I aint suckin' it up....nice knowin' ya"

[Dexter Morgan]

i'm not an angel, and i have made mistakes before too. but i have never given or asked for contact information from anyone that i have met, and i have never put myself in a situation where people who wanted to get physical with me were led on to believe that i might be interested.

 

 

bingo!!!!!!!!!

[samspade]

I'm just pointing out that it would be just as easy for your GF to be upset by things on your end. And if she is upset by it, an easy way for her to drive that point home would be to do the same.

 

To the OP: If she wanted to "drive that point home," she'd have told you to your face that she is uncomfortable with your facebook friends, versus engaging in childish and inappropriate games (if in fact they are just games).

 

Ignore the moral relativist female b.s. and face the facts. You seem to understand the difference between having a facebook friend and flirting with a man in person. It's too bad some people don't get it, but they are the low-quality type to avoid when it comes to relationships.

[sally4sara]

To the OP: If she wanted to "drive that point home," she'd have told you to your face that she is uncomfortable with your facebook friends, versus engaging in childish and inappropriate games (if in fact they are just games).

 

Ignore the moral relativist female b.s. and face the facts. You seem to understand the difference between having a facebook friend and flirting with a man in person. It's too bad some people don't get it, but they are the low-quality type to avoid when it comes to relationships.

 

You are choosing to ignore that she may well have brought it up; The OP gives us no info about it one way or the other. He has excuses for why its okay for him to have stripper contacts he is sexually familiar with, but it doesn't mean his GF buys those excuses. This crappy attitude she is serving up could very well be due to his actions and excuses.

 

I just find it quite hypocritical that its okay for him to have stripper contacts he has had sex with (which means he thinks the girl is "hot"), but its not okay for his GF to have stripper contacts she HASN'T had sex with. The "he is hot" comment is made because she hasn't had sex with the guy, but needs to make her BF feel the way she feels.

 

I didn't say it was mature. I didn't say it was right. I simply said he was being hypocritical. YOU are the one calling my caution to being hypocritical a bunch of "female moralist B.S." and further suggesting I am low-quality for not "getting it". I'd give the post I gave to a male or a female OP.

 

You sound like a peach buddy. Isn't it great when people who don't understand the concept of equality try to give advise?

[samspade]

You are choosing to ignore that she may well have brought it up; The OP gives us no info about it one way or the other.

 

I love this: I am "choosing to ignore" information that was not supplied by the OP. Perhaps you are choosing to ignore that his girlfriend may secretly be Wonder Woman, since he didn't mention that, either.

 

Either she confronted him with it, as a mature person would do (and as the OP actually DID do), or she did not and is playing games, as an immature person would do.

 

If the OP forgot to add that his gf told him to his face she didn't like him having strippers for facebook buddies, and asked that he delete them, then I will agree with you. I didn't see anything about this in the story provided, so I am not "ignoring" anything. There is no moral equivalence between someone being in a list of contacts on FB and the behavior of this guy's girlfriend toward a male stripper in person. And that's to say nothing of her "studying" at a guy's apartment who - she said - had a crush on him.

 

If she respected him, she wouldn't be engaging in activity that could even be misconstrued as disloyal. If she hasn't already cheated, it's only a matter of time. Even if it IS tit for tat, that's grounds for her dismissal.

[sally4sara]

I love this: I am "choosing to ignore" information that was not supplied by the OP. Perhaps you are choosing to ignore that his girlfriend may secretly be Wonder Woman, since he didn't mention that, either.

 

Either she confronted him with it, as a mature person would do (and as the OP actually DID do), or she did not and is playing games, as an immature person would do.

 

If the OP forgot to add that his gf told him to his face she didn't like him having strippers for facebook buddies, and asked that he delete them, then I will agree with you. I didn't see anything about this in the story provided, so I am not "ignoring" anything. There is no moral equivalence between someone being in a list of contacts on FB and the behavior of this guy's girlfriend toward a male stripper in person. And that's to say nothing of her "studying" at a guy's apartment who - she said - had a crush on him.

 

If she respected him, she wouldn't be engaging in activity that could even be misconstrued as disloyal. If she hasn't already cheated, it's only a matter of time. Even if it IS tit for tat, that's grounds for her dismissal.

 

Im not arguing with you because I don't like your opinion. I don't give a damn about it. I'm not the one implying anyone who doesn't adhere to my opinion is a low-quality person. That's on you. The OP can either listen to my take on it or not, but I'm not insulting other posters for coming up with a take on the OP thread that differs from my own.

I'd think twice about giving out advise while you're so judgmental that you can't deal with a thread that contains advise that isn't in line with your own. Now shove off me; this isn't about you or me remember?

[samspade]

Anyway, ChampionSound, if your girlfriend believes that openly flirting with a stripper in front of you is fair game to make a point that could just as easily be made verbally, maybe you should think about whether she is worth keeping around. Some people obviously think you're a hypocrite for being upset, but there is a difference between your Facebook friends list and her bottom-shelf behavior. I'd recommend you find someone with a stronger moral compass.

[Dexter Morgan]

Anyway, ChampionSound, if your girlfriend believes that openly flirting with a stripper in front of you is fair game to make a point that could just as easily be made verbally, maybe you should think about whether she is worth keeping around.

 

very well said.

 

 

Some people obviously think you're a hypocrite for being upset

 

not me....he didn't hang out with his X, call her "hot" and try to rub his gf's nose in s##t.

 

The gf, however, did all of that and went somewhere with this guy. 3 hours I believe was said? studying? ya ....right.