SQLGeek Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 To begin with... I have been cheated on in the past by other girlfriends. My fiancee and I have been together for 4 years. In the month or two leading up to her bachelorette party I spent extended lengths of time explaining to her my fears surrounding her bachelorette party. She spent extended amounts of time trying to explain to me that I had nothing to worry about. Her party came and went... and what I found out was that she made out with multiple guys. She also did things like licking shots off of chippendale strippers. This has shattered my trust... and hurts like hell. The worst part is that she didn't tell me when I asked... she told me some details and then told me "nothing else happened". Well she is a bad liar and I know her well. So I pryed... and she lied... and I pryed... and she cried and lied... and I pryed... and she lied and got angry at me and said things like "why don't you trust me"... and I pried and I found out about the make outs and chippendale waiter and that she wandered off in Vegas with the bachelor from a bachelor party that was there. They were gone for an hour... just the two of them. She swears up and down that nothing happened. I am struggling to believe her. There are times when it does not bother me and there are other times like tonight... that it hurts to lay next to her. Before this event she never gave me a reason to not trust her. The weekend after she returned home from the party we got into a fight... she was screaming and yelling at me... hit the dash of the car so hard with her fist that it bruised. I had also never seen her behave this way. I had always been planning to have my bachelor party with my boys out in the woods doing guys stuff. No strippers... no sex... nothing but drinking and goofing off. We ended up renting quads and riding the dunes in oregon. We are supposed to be married in a month... I need advice. Have I lost the woman I loved? Why would she be ok with doing what she did? I just need advice. My mind is struggling to understand... and I am not sure I can. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 It's not too late to dodge this bullet. Are you sure you really want to marry this woman? By the way I wonder if the militant anti-porn and anti-strip club crowd on here will be as quick to condemn as they are any man who does this. Link to post Share on other sites
in_absentia Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Hey there Is there the slightest chance that she didn't do any of those things but felt pressured into saying she did in order to get you to back off? The worst part is that she didn't tell me when I asked... she told me some details and then told me "nothing else happened". Well she is a bad liar and I know her well. So I pryed... and she lied... and I pryed... and she cried and lied... and I pryed... and she lied and got angry at me and said things like "why don't you trust me"... and I pried and I found out about the make outs and chippendale waiter and that she wandered off in Vegas with the bachelor from a bachelor party that was there. They were gone for an hour... just the two of them. She swears up and down that nothing happened. This makes it sound like she only told you after you'd been pushing her a LOT. Is there any chance that this is the case do you think? Though it doesn't make any sense for her to lie she'd done something to hurt you, maybe she felt it was the only way you'd stop asking (I don't know how much you pressured her though). If you genuinely believe/know that she did make out with random guys though, even if nothing happened with the guy she walked off with, then I'd say go with your gut instinct. I wouldn't stand for my partner to make out with ANYONE except me, let alone when you'd made it clear that you didn't want her to do that and how upset and worried you were leading upto it because of past experiences of being cheated on. Do you think you seriously really want to marry her, with this event hanging over your head? You know that she's capable of cheating, and that she did at the one time you were desparately worried about. I'm not trying to sway you either way, sorry if it sounds like that. But she doesn't sound like long term relationship material to me, based on this. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 she cheated on you. A bachelorette party does not give someone the right to cheat. Think really hard if you want to marry this woman. if she wants to marry you make her take lie detector test I agree with woggle, I want to see if the same posters who constantly bash men for these acts will show up now Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 To begin with... I have been cheated on in the past by other girlfriends. My fiancee and I have been together for 4 years. In the month or two leading up to her bachelorette party I spent extended lengths of time explaining to her my fears surrounding her bachelorette party. She spent extended amounts of time trying to explain to me that I had nothing to worry about. Her party came and went... and what I found out was that she made out with multiple guys. She also did things like licking shots off of chippendale strippers. This has shattered my trust... and hurts like hell. The worst part is that she didn't tell me when I asked... she told me some details and then told me "nothing else happened". Well she is a bad liar and I know her well. So I pryed... and she lied... and I pryed... and she cried and lied... and I pryed... and she lied and got angry at me and said things like "why don't you trust me"... and I pried and I found out about the make outs and chippendale waiter and that she wandered off in Vegas with the bachelor from a bachelor party that was there. They were gone for an hour... just the two of them. She swears up and down that nothing happened. I am struggling to believe her. There are times when it does not bother me and there are other times like tonight... that it hurts to lay next to her. Before this event she never gave me a reason to not trust her. The weekend after she returned home from the party we got into a fight... she was screaming and yelling at me... hit the dash of the car so hard with her fist that it bruised. I had also never seen her behave this way. I had always been planning to have my bachelor party with my boys out in the woods doing guys stuff. No strippers... no sex... nothing but drinking and goofing off. We ended up renting quads and riding the dunes in oregon. We are supposed to be married in a month... I need advice. Have I lost the woman I loved? Why would she be ok with doing what she did? I just need advice. My mind is struggling to understand... and I am not sure I can. She is lying. Something did happen. She is not going to tell you everything. Just enough to quell your curiosity. She is going to blame shift, gas light you and act angry to try to get you to back off so she doesn't have to face the wrong she did. You will never know the extent unless you can get her to take a polygraph. Her signs of anger are also her guilt eating her up. If you have to question yourself about her, do you really think you should get in a lifetime committment with her. Trust your gut. If she can't be honest with you now, it's not a good idea to invest in this now. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 she is feeling guilt big time, she knows she has screwed up---is she showing any remorse. Bachelorette party or not, she doesn't go around giving lip to all the guys in the bar, especially strangers, as to the male stripper, that is the least of your problems, tho it is part of the whole screw up----major problem why would she dissapear with another guy for an hour, we both know the answer don't we. Get her tested for STD if you stay with her. Her actions at that party were inappropriate. IMHO if i were you i would back off of the wedding, you sure don't want to legally tie yourself to her now, and just wait and see where all this goes. Also if she wants to stay with you, and you want to R, your relationship, she needs to show remorse, transparency, and now she needs some boundaries, cuz she obviously can't control herself when out with the girls and drinking. Link to post Share on other sites
lostsunsets Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Call it off!!!!!! You know that if she went off with that guy, a guy she never met b4. She was drunk. She was getting married. She f***ed this guy. no doubt. Call it off now!!! You will have these questions and fights for your entire marriage. Do you want that? She had her chance to come clean. She lied. You had to pry the information out of her. If you need an out, tell her you can't trust her because of all the lying after the fact. You will regret it if you go through with this. Or tell her the only possible way you will consider going through with it, is if she takes a polygraph test. Tell her the lies alone are reason enough. Tell her that she should jump at the chance. Go on line, download info on a local polygraph tester. Go to her and say " I scheduled an appointment for a test ". No questions, no comments. If she won't do it, you know she boffed that guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Sorry but your fiancee has crossed the line here. Kissing another man, under any circumstances, is cheating... licking shots off a Chippendale is disgusting... and god knows what other stuff she did with that guy from the bachelor party. If my partner behaved like that, our relationship would be over, wedding or no wedding. You should seriously rethink your decision to marry this girl. You need to find a girl who loves you enough not to want another man anywhere near her - I love my OH and wouldn't dream of even kissing another guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 You would be out of your mind to marry her. She cheated on you knowing your past history. She degraded herself and her relationship with you. Why would you want to marry a woman who made out with multiple men at her party? She has no respect for you. It does not take a genius to figure out what happened when she went off for an hour with a guy she just met. Do you think they were talking politics when she was drunk after making out with multiple men? She played you for a complete fool. If she does this while you are engaged it does not take a genius to figure out what she will do when she is married. Walk away my friend because she has showed her true colors. She does not respect you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? If you are still foolish enough to be with her then demand a polygraph test and you will know for sure that she screwed this other guy. I would suggest that you both be tested for STD's. Don't be a fool. Surely you can do better than this. Link to post Share on other sites
Land Shark Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 So in 4 years of being together, you never had a single indication that she was capable of betraying you like this? Never a doubt. If that's the case, then maybe you should ask yourself, how often do you expect her to go to bachelorette parties after you're married? Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 How old is your fiance, how did you find out what happened that night, b4 you go any further, find out Why she did these things, the deep down why., and ask her How could she do these things to her future H. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 If someone can't control themselves while drinking, this isn't going to change. If you can accept this fact, then proceed with the marriage. Personally, I would get out before it's too late. Link to post Share on other sites
sadandugly Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 It's not too late to dodge this bullet. Are you sure you really want to marry this woman? By the way I wonder if the militant anti-porn and anti-strip club crowd on here will be as quick to condemn as they are any man who does this. I do. I may be considered anti-porn and anti-strip club, because I'm insecure, but nevermind... I condemn this not because of insecurity, but because what this woman did is plain wrong! I agree with the poster who said that a bachelorette party doesn't give anyone the right to cheat. That's why I'd never have a bachelorette party with strippers... plus I don't see the appeal. But anyway, I've heard that both bachelor and bachelorette parties involving strippers and drunk friends, and of course, a lot of alcohol can get out of control. OP, I know you may love her, but I would call the wedding off. This woman doesn't deserve you, she's a cheater and you're a good man. I know this is up to you, but in case she did really cheat (because there's always the chance that, as another poster said, she made up the whole "I made out with some guys" story only because you were pushing her... but it's a really SLIM chance...), I don't think you should marry her. I know it's normal to get carried away in such parties, especially when alcohol is involved, but we can always control ourselves... Ok, so yes, I condemn her for her inappropriate behavior... no double standard here... Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 i'd put the brakes on thiis marriage,in my opion she cheated wether by licking shots off dancer, or who knows what she did when she was mia for a hour. but i'd get a std test. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SQLGeek Posted June 22, 2009 Author Share Posted June 22, 2009 How old is your fiance, how did you find out what happened that night, b4 you go any further, find out Why she did these things, the deep down why., and ask her How could she do these things to her future H. She is 28 and I am 31. She told me a very small amount. I asked more questions like I said in my earlier post and finally I did the wrong thing and checked her phone. yes I know... ****ty but I felt trapped... she had been talking with one of the girls that was there and was telling her that I was not taking it well and that she had spared me from the details. I confronted her with this and this is when she told me about leaving with the bachelor for an hour. Later I found out about the licking shots off a chippendale waiter from another of her friends... she did not recall this as she claims to have been blacked out. This is not enitrely unbelievable as she does have a tendency to blackout when she drinks to much. Link to post Share on other sites
ChampionSound Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 She is 28 and I am 31. She told me a very small amount. I asked more questions like I said in my earlier post and finally I did the wrong thing and checked her phone. yes I know... ****ty but I felt trapped... she had been talking with one of the girls that was there and was telling her that I was not taking it well and that she had spared me from the details. I confronted her with this and this is when she told me about leaving with the bachelor for an hour. Later I found out about the licking shots off a chippendale waiter from another of her friends... she did not recall this as she claims to have been blacked out. This is not enitrely unbelievable as she does have a tendency to blackout when she drinks to much. One of the things I have noticed about this website is that a lot of posters think that the only solution to a relationship problem is to find a new spouse. How many posts in here are the same as this one? 6 posts in a row screaming 'leave her'! 'she doesn't deserve you' etc. Whatever. We've all made mistakes. My take on the thing is that if both people still love each other and are willing to work to stay together, then what you need to be looking for is a way to rebuild that life that you had wanted together. You need a solution that helps you move forward, not something that removes the person from your life. I don't have a lot of experience, but I'm willing to bet that most people who do end up staying together for a good part of their lives end up having to work through infidelity issues at some point. It doesn't make her a bad person, just someone that made a mistake. If you can, try and figure out how to make that work for you. And if that doesn't, well at least you did your best. Link to post Share on other sites
MissHollywood Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 To begin with... I have been cheated on in the past by other girlfriends. My fiancee and I have been together for 4 years. In the month or two leading up to her bachelorette party I spent extended lengths of time explaining to her my fears surrounding her bachelorette party. She spent extended amounts of time trying to explain to me that I had nothing to worry about. Her party came and went... and what I found out was that she made out with multiple guys. She also did things like licking shots off of chippendale strippers. This has shattered my trust... and hurts like hell. The worst part is that she didn't tell me when I asked... she told me some details and then told me "nothing else happened". Well she is a bad liar and I know her well. So I pryed... and she lied... and I pryed... and she cried and lied... and I pryed... and she lied and got angry at me and said things like "why don't you trust me"... and I pried and I found out about the make outs and chippendale waiter and that she wandered off in Vegas with the bachelor from a bachelor party that was there. They were gone for an hour... just the two of them. She swears up and down that nothing happened. I am struggling to believe her. There are times when it does not bother me and there are other times like tonight... that it hurts to lay next to her. Before this event she never gave me a reason to not trust her. The weekend after she returned home from the party we got into a fight... she was screaming and yelling at me... hit the dash of the car so hard with her fist that it bruised. I had also never seen her behave this way. I had always been planning to have my bachelor party with my boys out in the woods doing guys stuff. No strippers... no sex... nothing but drinking and goofing off. We ended up renting quads and riding the dunes in oregon. We are supposed to be married in a month... I need advice. Have I lost the woman I loved? Why would she be ok with doing what she did? I just need advice. My mind is struggling to understand... and I am not sure I can. I don't suggest rash decisions. How about talking to her and finding out more and then deciding later how you want to proceed? You've spent four years together. That's not a short time. There must be more than physical attraction that kept it going. I wish it all works out for your best, whatever you decide. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 One of the things I have noticed about this website is that a lot of posters think that the only solution to a relationship problem is to find a new spouse. How many posts in here are the same as this one? 6 posts in a row screaming 'leave her'! 'she doesn't deserve you' etc. Whatever. We've all made mistakes. My take on the thing is that if both people still love each other and are willing to work to stay together, then what you need to be looking for is a way to rebuild that life that you had wanted together. You need a solution that helps you move forward, not something that removes the person from your life. I don't have a lot of experience, but I'm willing to bet that most people who do end up staying together for a good part of their lives end up having to work through infidelity issues at some point. It doesn't make her a bad person, just someone that made a mistake. If you can, try and figure out how to make that work for you. And if that doesn't, well at least you did your best. If someone is cheating before marriage then you would have to be mentally impaired to marry to that person. She kissed other guys, licked shots off a stripper, and she "left" with a man for a hour. All of this happen in one night. OP, at the very least you need to postpone the wedding Link to post Share on other sites
samspade Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 Do yourself a favor and get out while the gettin's good. Whether she cheated on you or not is irrelevant. Why should you even tolerate the kind of behavior that puts her in such a position? The fact that she even went off for an hour alone with this stripper, thus creating the possibility (and perception) that she ***ked him, is reason enough to dump her. A woman who respects her man will NOT put her relationship with him in jeopardy with even the slightest perception that she has cheated on him. She does not respect you, and I am sure if you ever find out the truth, she will blame you for it. You need a solution that helps you move forward, not something that removes the person from your life. You are half right. Moving forward means removing this person from his life. He is better off alone than with her. Let her work on her "infidelity issues" with some other poor sap. OP: You need to think about what YOU are doing wrong to attract women who are so willing to disrespect you. In the meantime, get out of this mess - you will save yourself a lifetime of pain!! Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 Another problem is that she continues to change her story and lies to you about it. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speaks volumes. Again after everything she did at the party with no boundaries in place, she leaves with another man for an hour being drunk. What do you think they were doing - talking about the Iranian crisis? I think you have now seen a glimpse of your future. You are thinking of marrying a woman who degrades herself and her boyfriend who she is engaged. Get a STD test done and insist on a polygraph and more than likely you will find out she had sex with this guy. If you still marry her then you only have yourself to blame what will happen in the future. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would be so accepting as you have been? She played you for a fool. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 Her party came and went... and what I found out was that she made out with multiple guys. this is not a knee jerk reaction..........but...break off the engagement NOW and cancel the wedding. She not only cheated on you, but she lied to you, KNEW your fears and concerns, and cheated anyway. She has no respect for you. Her behavior now indicates how she will be later on in life once the newness of her marital status wears off and the 7 year itch sets in. trust me, you do NOT want to marry her. She also did things like licking shots off of chippendale strippers. This has shattered my trust... and hurts like hell. The worst part is that she didn't tell me when I asked... she told me some details and then told me "nothing else happened". Well she is a bad liar and I know her well. So I pryed... and she lied... and I pryed... and she cried and lied... and I pryed... and she lied and got angry at me and said things like "why don't you trust me" oh hell no she didn't!! she cheats, but gets angry with you. GET THAT ENGAGEMENT RING BACK NOW!!!! We are supposed to be married in a month... I need advice. get the ring back and notify your side of the invitees. you do not want to marry this huss. Have I lost the woman I loved? No, the woman you "loved" never existed. The woman in her place is a cheater and a liar. Why would she be ok with doing what she did? because she is a cheater. and some people might say that if it was a one time "mistake", which cheating is not a mistake, that it could be forgiven. But she cheated multiple times in Vegas. Cancel this wedding NOW!! And if she lives with you, pack her bags for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 SQLgeek, maybe I can put it in these terms for you and you might understand better: delete FROM life WHERE fiance='wh0re'; then reboot your server Link to post Share on other sites
ChampionSound Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 SQLgeek, maybe I can put it in these terms for you and you might understand better: delete FROM life WHERE fiance='wh0re'; then reboot your server hahahaha Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 SQLgeek, maybe I can put it in these terms for you and you might understand better: delete FROM life WHERE fiance='wh0re'; then reboot your server I don't see you searching by key!! Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 I don't see you searching by key!! I searched by field name Link to post Share on other sites
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