Is this Considered Flirting/Mutual Attraction?

[lacrossemom97]

My husband has a coworker who I've only met twice when I was with my husband....he is at least 9 years older than me (he's in his early 50's -- I'm in my early 40's) and is kind of a quiet guy but attractive in a boyish way. The first time we all met as couples, at the end of the evening, he looked at me and said we should all go out sometime. I said to him lightly "just pick a place and we'll figure it out." He followed us to the door and said to me "no -- you pick the place." Then the last time my husband had a business dinner with him, this person asked my husband to bring me but I was busy and he told my husband he wished I could have come.

 

About 9 months ago, I ran into him unexpectedly at his workplace, a hospital. He was on his way to see a patient. He came up behind me and nudged me in the arm....when I turned around and noticed who it was, I was embarrassed because there was another person in the room but also flattered and kind of smiled and said "hey" and nudged back in a quick buddy-buddy kind of way since the other person was in the room....it kind of took me off guard so I responded like I would to a guy who is a good friend. Anyway, it was a little funny since we had only met twice so we're not on long-term buddy terms and he had never touched me before. Anyway, he asked me how I was, made some other small talk and then asked me how I was a second time which I thought was funny unless he has short-term memory loss. I felt like a high school girl and was kind of embarrassed because he is a busy doctor and I knew he had more important things to do than talk to me. Does this sound like flirting or just being friendly to a co-worker's wife?

 

Anyway, I haven't seen my husband's coworker since the above situation in March and really haven't thought anything about this situation until today. The other night I sent in some homemade Christmas candy with my husband to share with coworkers at the hospital since they would all be working overnight on New Year's Eve. I guess no one else brought any food so the candy was eaten really fast by the nurses and doctors and everyone was commenting on how good it was. The above-mentioned possibly flirtatious co-worker happened to be working and apparently he ate some and he told my husband "tell Diane that she can stop by my house with some of this anytime." So maybe I'm just reading way too much into that statement but I thought it was really funny considering the other subtle vibes I had gotten in the past. He could have said that I could send the candy into work with my husband anytime but he didn't say it that way....he said she can stop by my house. I've only been to his house once 2 years ago for a couples party so it's not as if I'm someone who just stops by his house on a regular basis at all!!! My husband is pretty clueless about flirting (husband didn't even know when I was flirting with him when we first met!) so when he told me this, it was no big deal on his part....I guess I just took it a different way. Am I totally delusional in thinking this was a subtle way of flirting without being in the same room?

 

I talk to males all the time but rarely do I second-guess the interactions like this. Not that I would ever act on this in a million years, but at 42 years old, it would just be nice to know if I still have something that is interesting to the male species. I love my husband and would never be unfaithful but just wondering if I'm still attractive to the male species in general!

[imagine]

Mam,

 

As the circumstances change so will his attitude sharply change. I think you'd be amazed to see what you think is unattractive hits top spots in male eyes.

 

Conversely, you'll also be amazed what what used to be stunning, isn't.

 

Your husband doesn't hear you. His ears need checking.

[atwitsend]

I'm sure if you ask the guy he would tell you. Short of that we have no way of knowing how attractive you are (no offense).

[carhill]

I love my husband and would never be unfaithful but just wondering if I'm still attractive to the male species in general!

 

Happy to hear that and no worries, you are, in particular to one 52yo doctor. It can remain that way and "fun" if contact is infrequent and social in nature. Beware of dialing the phone in any other circumstance. This appears to be more flirtation than friendship so I'd recommend caution. Have fun, but be mindful

[Bryanp]

It is clear that he is fishing to see if you would be interested in starting something with him. Just look at the facts. First it is flirting. Second it is light touching (touching is significant). He touched you because he thought you would not mind. Thirdly, he told your husband that he was very disappointed that you did not show up for a previous dinner. Fourthly, he says jokingly to your husband (many a truth is said in jest) that you can bring cookies and visit him at his house anytime. He wanted your husband to convey that message to you.

 

Let me ask you that if the roles had been reversed and an attractive woman had been flirting with your husband like this do you think you would perceive this as just harmless banter? I assume that you would be very upset. This man is even trying to flirt with you via your husband. Your husband should open his eyes and ears.

 

You say that you would never have an affair on your husband which is good. The problem is that this has already seeped into your mind. You at the least subconsciously realize that this is what this OM is after and you are already contemplating it in your mind although you say you would never cheat. The fact that you have been thinking about this shows that the OM's advances has been somewhat successful. Your have been playing this little dance with this man wondering if he finds you attractive. Mark my words he will somehow down the line try to invite you out for coffee under some pretext.

Again how would you feel if your husband wrote this message to this board about another attractive woman who he feel has been flirting with him?

I think you and your husband need to start communicating better. I also think you should tell your husband that it is pretty obvious that this physician is trying to hit on you. I wish you luck.

[lacrossemom97]

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

 

BryanP, you think it sounds like this man is on a bit of a fishing expedition? I'm still not so sure about that which is why I posted. It could be nothing -- I guess when my husband told me what he said about stopping by his house, I was really taken aback, even though it did sounds like a lighthearted joke. It truly didn't even phase my husband so maybe that's just the way that guy talks. By the way, this guy is also married to a very pretty woman who is a few years older than him.

 

I don't think he would call me for coffee -- and I really wouldn't have an affair with him or anyone -- there would be absolutely no way as I could ever morally do that. I know that at some point in time we will probably socialize with this couple -- I'm a bit hesitant to do this because if there is any chemistry, it could be awkward. The funny thing is, physically, I don't find him nearly as attractive as my husband is so I'm not sure what else is at play here. I seemed to just sense something when I was around this man but maybe it is my imagination?

 

I guess I just enjoyed a different type of attention than I normally get from our male friends. I don't know why but I just want to know that I'm still attractive to people -- my husband tells me I am but he's supposed to say that, right?! Usually, I am in my normal mode of being a wife and mother without any thoughts of needing affirmation but every once in awhile, something in me wonders if I still have "it".

 

Also, I know it is not right that I posted this and really unfair to my husband but I was just wondering what was going on since my husband is not really tuned into flirtation and didn't seem to pick up on a few things. I think people flirt with him often and he probably doesn't even notice because he's a Type A personality and is so focused on other things. He didn't even know that I was flirting with him when we first met!!

[Bryanp]

There is no question in my mind that this man is on a fishing expedition. He knows that your husband is oblvious to these sort of things which is why he could be so bold to jokingly (many a truth is said in jest) convey these messages to you through your husband.

 

What you have written in your last message is a classic example of how affairs can begin.

1. You wish to know that you are still attractive (my husband has to say it because it is your husband). This is a classic statement from women who have had affairs.

2. You wish to know that other men still find your attractive and that you still have it. This is another classic statement.

3. You say he is not your type and not as attractive as your husband. The majority of time the affair person is indeed less attractive than the spouse. It is more a question of being desired.

4. This other man could have said to your husband to tell your wife she can drop by cookies anytime. Instead he pointedly said you could drop off cookies at his home anytime. This is a clear fishing statement. He wants you to think about it and he has succeeded. He sounds like a player.

5. When he previously nudged you (touched your shoulder) you said it felt like your were a high school girl again and enarmoured of his attention.

 

These are all classic example of how affair may begin. You realize that there is a mutual attraction. Your best bet is to stay away from his. These type of people have plenty of time to wait. They can tell when somebody else is also attracted to them. He is disrespecting your husband but he does not care. Their whole routine is to act like it is just playful kidding and they do it to every attractive female they can find. I once knew a man like this and asked him (he was married) why he jokingly make sexy joking comments to all of your friends married wifes. He told me (he was drunk at the time) that all he needed was to have one of the wifes take him seriously for him to have an extra-marital relationship.

 

You sound very level handed. Put your energy into your marriage. This guy is bad news. I am sure he is also playing on the fact that he is a physician. I think many women have fantasies about people in high positions like physcians, college professors and so forth. I wish you luck.

[2sure]

Wow - I'm surprised by the responses indicating his behavior has crossed a line. To me he sounds friendly. No friendlier than I am to my husband's co-workers and I'm not flirting.

 

Even if he is flirting - it appears to be just that, friendly flirting - not invitation flirting. Certainly he is attracted to you - finds you pretty or charming or fun - or all three. If he was interested in something more, he would have simply invited you to lunch or to grab a coffee.

 

lol - laughing WITH you here I think -

 

Its OK to enjoy this attention - but your analyzing way to much for your own good. Assume he finds you as hot as everyone else does!!

[lacrossemom97]

BryanP, you seem to have a lot of insight...I appreciate your thoughts. How do you know so much about this type of thing?!

 

I honestly would never let this go anywhere. I still think it could be my overactive imagination! I want to respond to a few things that you said about staying away from this man and how it sounds as if he is a player.

 

I don't think I can avoid him because he is one of my husband's medical partners so there will be occasional situations that arise where I will see him. I really think that if his wife is around, he will be on different behavior because the only time he seemed to give off any vibe was when she was not around.

 

Also, yes, I think he is a player and also bad news. Can a person be nice and also bad news? I think so. My husband thinks he is really nice and a great guy. He is not a typical player type. He is a quiet person -- not an outgoing person who stands out in a crowd. Also, he is not a really handsome macho type of guy. However, he seems to be very smart and has some type of strange charisma. My husband has mentioned that this guy works a lot, is hardly ever home, goes out to bars, etc. a lot and goes away on guy only trips. He is not anything like my husband in that respect because my husband is a real family man, is not a partier and rarely ever goes out without me except to a few business dinners. They golf together occasionally but that is it. I think it's just an attraction to a different type of person that I would never ever want to actually be with in real life. Also, I think that the fact that I was not intimidated by him or in awe of him and was just friendly towards him was maybe something that he was not used to....most women are kind of in awe of doctors and don't know what to say. I know they're just regular people so that's how I treat them.

[Flavia]

Stop it. Any flirtation with this man is going to directly affect his respect for your husband. Be the kind of person they both can respect. You might actually be a pawn in a powerplay between the two of them.

[Bryanp]

I think the previous poster Flavia has made an excellent point. Any flirting you do with this OM will indeed decrease the respect he will have for your husband.

[Charles1978]

I personally don't see anything here. He's just a nice guy, that's all. Nudging you when he tells you hello means nothing. Move on... nothing to see here.

[lacrossemom97]

Flavia, that is good advice...I have not been anything but friendly to this person and his wife whenever I've seen them so I wasn't doing any flirting.

 

Charles, the nudging thing wasn't the issue. It was another vibe I picked up on the one time that I saw him when my husband and his wife weren't around. He was getting ready to see a patient (a friend of mine) and seemed to be wanting to extend our conversation and in no hurry to leave. I was the one who kind of rushed the conversation along because I know how busy these guys are and also, my friend needed to be seen.

 

Anyway, it may be nothing but friendliness like some other people mentioned.

[Flavia]

You are questioning whether its "mutual attraction" which says you are invested in it and wanting to ponder if he is. But this is a foolhardy place to look for validation on your charms...Your husband's workplace?

[lacrossemom97]

Well, I wasn't looking for it at all -- I just happened to sense something....has never happened before so that's why I was confused.

[Bryanp]

I think you will do fine. You are intelligent enough to know that their could be some potential problem down the road (recognized the mutual attraction) and this is the reason you wrote to this board which is very good. You are not in denial. You just wanted the opinion of others pertaining to this situation. Your radar is up and you are on guard. I do not think you will be tricked into doing something stupid. You are fine. Do something nice with your husband tonight.

[Charles1978]

...most women are kind of in awe of doctors and don't know what to say. I know they're just regular people so that's how I treat them.

I have plenty of doctors in my family... 4. There's no reason to be in "awe" of them, believe me. Like you said, they're normal people. Some do have a big ego though.

[BlueEyedGirl]

Honestly, I see nothing here. He probably doesn't give you a second thought and makes those comments about lots of women. You are taking it WAY WAY too seriously. If he really wanted something, he wouldn't be saying it to your H (oblivious or not)....