Why am i feeling jealous

[Gina]

I've been dating a guy since November. He's been working in another state for a few months and drives to my home at weekends. A couple of weekends ago he took my car and on his return I found a pair of sunglasses which werent his in one of my car pockets. Normally I would blow it off but for some reason it's on my mind (they are a mans style but a very small size). Also, at the weekend he told me he had met up with an old friend he used to always party with.

 

We had arranged for me to go visit him this weekend but something has come up and i may not be able to go, i called to tell him and he said dont stress over it and that he had arranged for us to go party with his friend. Tonite he called to say he is going out with his friend and that he is turning his cell phone off (to charge).

 

My stomach is churning over this and i dont know why. I keep thinking about what he's doing. It's only a few weeks ago i asked him to stop being so possessive with me (he would ask lots of questions like "who you with" and "what are you doing"). I hate feeling like this and why should something so trivial as a pair of glasses set off all these negative thoughts?

[BeenThere]

Did you ask him who the glasses belonged to?

 

Could they possibly belong to one of your friends?

I've been dating a guy since November. He's been working in another state for a few months and drives to my home at weekends. A couple of weekends ago he took my car and on his return I found a pair of sunglasses which werent his in one of my car pockets. Normally I would blow it off but for some reason it's on my mind (they are a mans style but a very small size). Also, at the weekend he told me he had met up with an old friend he used to always party with. We had arranged for me to go visit him this weekend but something has come up and i may not be able to go, i called to tell him and he said dont stress over it and that he had arranged for us to go party with his friend. Tonite he called to say he is going out with his friend and that he is turning his cell phone off (to charge).

 

My stomach is churning over this and i dont know why. I keep thinking about what he's doing. It's only a few weeks ago i asked him to stop being so possessive with me (he would ask lots of questions like "who you with" and "what are you doing"). I hate feeling like this and why should something so trivial as a pair of glasses set off all these negative thoughts?

[Gina]

Yes i did ask him and he said he didnt know. I know they dont belong to anyone i know. I feel stupid because i know he's going to have friends in my car. I dont know whether these feelings stem from the glasses or the fact he's met up with the old friend. I'm trying to rationalize my feelings, i would not normally feel jealous over the friend or the glasses so why do i now?

Did you ask him who the glasses belonged to? Could they possibly belong to one of your friends?

[BeenThere]

First, its very common for people in new relationships to feel a little insecure. I don't think that your questioning the sunglasses lables you a suspicious or overly jealous person. I think the fact that you are dwelling on it so much is because you have gotten no real answer. In your mind, its still a mystery to be solved. Perhaps you were in a past relationship with someone who was "less than honest?" Those flashbacks can be a nasty obsticle to overcome sometimes.

 

I wouldn't let this one incident sway your decision as to whether or not to trust your new guy. My only advice is to wait and see if anything else happens that might send up the red flag. As always, trust your intuitions but don't let paranoia take control. If he's really living some secret life he's bound to slip up eventually. Trust me, you'll know it soon enough!

 

Keep us posted.

Yes i did ask him and he said he didnt know. I know they dont belong to anyone i know. I feel stupid because i know he's going to have friends in my car. I dont know whether these feelings stem from the glasses or the fact he's met up with the old friend. I'm trying to rationalize my feelings, i would not normally feel jealous over the friend or the glasses so why do i now?

 

[velvet]

I wouldnt worry about it.

First, its very common for people in new relationships to feel a little insecure. I don't think that your questioning the sunglasses lables you a suspicious or overly jealous person. I think the fact that you are dwelling on it so much is because you have gotten no real answer. In your mind, its still a mystery to be solved. Perhaps you were in a past relationship with someone who was "less than honest?" Those flashbacks can be a nasty obsticle to overcome sometimes.

 

I wouldn't let this one incident sway your decision as to whether or not to trust your new guy. My only advice is to wait and see if anything else happens that might send up the red flag. As always, trust your intuitions but don't let paranoia take control. If he's really living some secret life he's bound to slip up eventually. Trust me, you'll know it soon enough! Keep us posted.

[:(]

That's awfully nice of you to lend him your car, so that he can spend the weekend partying and having friends in your car. Hopefully he doesn't drink and drive and wreck your car. Hopefully drunk people don't trash or puke all inside your car. Why on earth would you lend him your car? Can't he get his own? What kind of a guy mooches his girlfriend's car?

 

Do you know that if he has a wreck in your car, it will affect YOUR insurance? (unless you have special coverage that has him as an occasional driver)

 

We all have instinct for a reason. If you're feeling uneasy about things, and add to that, the strange goings-on lately (the sunglasses, him being so easy going about you not being able to spend the weekend with him, him telling you that his cell phone will be turned off all night (that's suspicious to me. why wouldn't he charge it some other time, like when he's sleeping?))...plus something else. The fact that you've found HIM to be possessive in the past, with him always asking you where you went, who with. It's a known fact (though not saying that's definitely the case here) that cheaters will often mistrust their partners, or be insecure and always ask them where they went, with how, blah blah....because they know how THEY are.

 

First of all, stop lending this bum your car. He can get his own set of wheels to take his friends in. With the wear and tear he's putting on your car, is he going to pay for maintenance of it? Will he buck up for an oil change or tune-up? Help with insurance payments and gas? Chip in for new tires and all those little (and big) things that need replacing over time? Don't let him take advantage of you. Just how I see it.

Yes i did ask him and he said he didnt know. I know they dont belong to anyone i know. I feel stupid because i know he's going to have friends in my car. I dont know whether these feelings stem from the glasses or the fact he's met up with the old friend. I'm trying to rationalize my feelings, i would not normally feel jealous over the friend or the glasses so why do i now?

 

[midori]

You know if you're generally a reasonable person who isn't prone to irrational jealousy. If that is the case, then you shouldn't just write off your doubts -- even if they turn out to be unfounded. People often talk themselves out of seeing what's really there, instead questioning their own ability to perceive reality -- I've done that too many times to count.

 

The sunglasses thing is a little bit weird. Did you mention them to him? Did he say who they might belong to?

 

Another thing that strikes me as odd (maybe it's only me) is that the people I know don't announce in advance that their cellphones are going to be turned off, unless there are special circumstances. And most people don't plan on charging their cellphones while going out -- that's exactly when you want your cellphone! A little bit strange, no? Seems to me like he was really saying, "don't call me tonight."

 

You can confront him with your doubts/suspicions. He probably wouldn't fess up, and it might cue him to be more careful about dropping clues. I don't mean to say that your boyfriend is definitely cheating on you. This could all be an innocent misunderstanding. For now I think you've got some instances of curious behavior that warrant monitoring. If you're honest with yourself and not willing to be duped (as many people are) just keeping your eyes open ought to give you an idea of what is -- or isn't -- going on behind your back.

 

Of course if this is eating you up too much you should just bring it up with your boyfriend and see what he has to say for himself.

 

Good luck!