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Retroactive Jealousy


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Retroactive jealousy is ruining me. I am in a relationship with the greatest man I have met and I cannot be happy due to my obsession with his last relationship. Most of the posts I've read regarding retroactive have been related to an uneasiness about sexual history, but this is not my case.

My boyfriend was with his ex for a little over two years, lived with her, had a dog with her. This surely seems infinitesimal to the past marriages or infidelities some people overcome, but it is nearly all I think of.

According to him their relationship was "not great." He told me he took her as a date to a wedding shortly after they had split and she ended up making out with one of his relatives... She still calls. I hate it. It has almost caused our break-up. Do I simply feel she doesn't deserve to be in his life anymore? I cannot help but make snide comments about her because it seems natural to dislike anyone that could hurt him. He almost seems defensive of her when I do so, and this fuel my hurt and jealousy even more. Maybe he hates for me to be petty. No idea.

He has kept all of the pictures taken during their relationship and I snooped through them, seemingly to torture myself. Pictures of them kissing, celebrating her birthday, on a double date, at holidays with his family, on vacation. He says he keeps all of his pictures and there is no real reason to delete them. Apparently, my dislike for them isn't enough and it is something I should simply get over. These pictures haunt me so much that they feel like my motivation for everything. I want to take a vacation because they did, I want to go to a costume party because they did.

A great deal of my insecurity about his ex must come from his emotional distance. I am very used to my lovers doting on me, constantly professing love and showering me with compliments. This is not at all like him. He mentioned to me he told his ex "I love you" all the time, but that it was thoughtless because it was said too frequently. He hardly ever tells me he loves me and at one point implied it would be said more often with time. Did he love her more because he was with her longer, even though she was not as grateful and earnest as I am?

He has no understanding of jealousy at all. I am only twenty years old and I have never lived with my exes. I do keep in touch with them but this does not concern him at all. My sexual experience matching his own despite my being younger does not concern him either. I have no way of teaching him to empathize.

We have been together for nine months now and I have still not conquered this. I am completely lost and my irrational jealousy is wearing him down. I am thankful for any advice.

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I don't think I have the whole picture. What do you mean he "keeps" pictures, and you "snooped"?

 

I was using his laptop and looked through his "Pictures" folder.

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you should be thankful for his sake that you don't have any way to "make him empathize." playing on his insecurities is not going to make him want to be with you! and it's certainly not going to strengthen your relationship.

 

you need to tell him flat out that you're feeling like he loved his ex more than he loves you because of reason x, y, and z, and talk this out. you can create reasonable compromises that won't make him feel like you are a controlling

psycho. for instance you can say "that box you have of your ex's pictures makes me uncomfortable having around. do you think you can help me out by putting it in the attic somewhere for now?" unless you snooped, then you're gonna have to be more creative with that one.

 

I know what it's like to have retroactive jealousy, but really you're being too hard on the guy here. attacking her isn't a very classy thing to do, and it's only going to make you look petty in his eyes. I bet he isn't getting defensive about her, but feels like you're attacking him when you say those things about her. I can understand how her calling would upset you, again, ask him to lay off contacting her for a while, or if he feels like this is unreasonable, express to him how much it bothers you and how much you want to be ok with it in the future and ask him to come up with an idea to help you. if this conversation is a calm one, where you speak to him honestly and not accusingly, he should want to help you out.

 

hope this helps, good luck :)

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I was using his laptop and looked through his "Pictures" folder.

 

 

ah I didn't read that clearly the first time, so maybe my suggestion about that doesn't work anymore. stop looking at his stuff! :p

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Thanks for the advice!

 

For clarification, when I say I want him to empathize, I don't want to play on his insecurities. He seems to lack them is what I'm getting at. I just want him to be less harsh with me and I think if he could understand what I'm feeling, he would be.

 

As for the pictures, we did reach a sort of compromise. Those that involve his tongue in her mouth are deleted. One small step.

 

I really feel like I have done everything I can with him for now and he has been wonderful considering he has trouble understanding. Is there something I can do on my own?

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ok. the reason I asked is b/c people feel differently about this kind of thing. If my SO were using my laptop, and looked through my pic folder, I'd feel like this is no different than hanging around my house, and taking a look through photo albums on the shelf. Some people, however feel violated by this, and if he is one this may be pushing him away and also make him defensive about his right to have them in the first place.

 

Now you say he is "the greatest man ever", yet you are wanting empathy you can't get; AND you are wanting him to behave towards you the way past guys have.

 

As for his defending her, I understand this may feel like crap to hear, but maybe its b/c your snide comments make him feel like crap about himself. He once gave himself to someone, and got hurt for it. Your comments, reminding him of the negative parts of that probably don't make him feel great about himself, right?

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That's insightful. I always say I'm thankful for him not fawning over me all the time and I really am. It's not that I want him to be like others, I simply have trouble adjusting to someone who doesn't convey his emotions. It's hard for me to remember he loves me when he doesn't say so or act in a way that makes it evident.

 

He seems so overly confident and secure, I forget to even consider the impact the remarks I make have on him... Maybe if he could admit to me that the relationship was a mistake I wouldn't feel compelled to make those comments. A great deal of this is that I know very little about the reality of their time together, so I build it up into something perfect, something I'm not achieving for him.

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Sounds like maybe he's just not sharing w/ you the way you want, and that is really the entire problem.

 

Thanks so much. I think you're absolutely right. I'm afraid to learn the reality of his last girlfriend, thus a lack of communication on my part. Also, because he doesn't feel inclined to share his emotions frequently, I underestimate his perception of our relationship.

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