RecordProducer Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 So I met this guy on a dating site a few days ago and yesterday I drove to NYC (two hours) to meet him. He turned out to be severely overweight and looks older than his age (he's 50, I am 33). I saw a video of him and he looked cute but kinda husky, but he told me he lost a lot of weight and ate only healthy food. So I figure, you don't gain weight from eating 10 lbs of tomatoes each day. My hubby asked "You drove all the way to NYC and he never ever mentioned he was overweight?" No, never - but NYC is always worth the trouble. Anyhoo, I really liked his little brother (age 37) who showed up at the restaurant to get some cash from my date, cuz he was broke. So I took a deep breath and talked to my date later on the phone and told him that I really liked him as a friend, but felt no chemistry (he said he could feel it). And then I told him that I was attracted to his brother. Frankly, I figured: 1. he'd realize that just like he wants a young pretty girl, I also want a young pretty boy; 2. he should be glad for his little brother because he lost his twin two years ago and never recovered from it, is apparently broke and single, while my date admitted he was very happy with his life, only needed a woman, but didn't intend to get married. He was very upset, said my confession was ridiculous, and he had to sleep on it. This was last night and I never heard from him. Link to post Share on other sites
AriaIncognito Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 The little brother is broke, so you don't want him either. :-) Done and done. I don't think it was wrong of you to be honest with the guy. The age difference alone is a big factor to deal with (i'm currently dating a guy 17 years my elder, same as this guy was to you) and if he looked 17 years older, I'd not have pursued it. I don't need people thinking I'm dating my father, so to speak. If you don't hear from the guy, chalk it up to experience. Online is so risky, since you can send anyone anything and say it's you, but who knows what you'll get when you finally do meet in person. I guess people just hope they've already won you over with their personalities that you won't care they lied... Flawed logic, of course, but that seems to be the MO of a lot of online daters. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RecordProducer Posted October 16, 2008 Author Share Posted October 16, 2008 The little brother is broke, so you don't want him either. :-) Done and done. I don't think it was wrong of you to be honest with the guy. The age difference alone is a big factor to deal with (i'm currently dating a guy 17 years my elder, same as this guy was to you) and if he looked 17 years older, I'd not have pursued it. I don't need people thinking I'm dating my father, so to speak. If you don't hear from the guy, chalk it up to experience. Online is so risky, since you can send anyone anything and say it's you, but who knows what you'll get when you finally do meet in person. I guess people just hope they've already won you over with their personalities that you won't care they lied... Flawed logic, of course, but that seems to be the MO of a lot of online daters.Oh, thanks for being supportive. Well, he didn't quite lie, but you're right, they think the personality will beat the physics: he was all lovey-dovey on the phone, calling me all the time, texting me all the time, as if forcing it would make it a relationship. He did look like he's my father. I mean, my husband is 18 years older than I am but he's cute and skinny. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Your hubby knows you are meeting guys and he is ok with it? I am lost!! Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Er.... I was about to ask the same thing... This is obviously a comfortable arrangement..... No criticism intended. Just to clarify. Could you....? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Just to clarify but your husband has the option of going on web sites to meet other women also? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 I think their relationship has gotten to be "marriage in name only," as her husband has done his best to sabotage the relationship. For all intents and purposes, the marriage is over, from some of her earlier posts. RP, I am kind of surprised that your husband is being passive about the whole thing, I'd hoped that something would have sparked in him and he'd realize what a prize he has in you! But, I guess once an ashole, always an ashole ... Link to post Share on other sites
Shygirl15 Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Thanks someone brought it up. Weird. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 RP, I am kind of surprised that your husband is being passive about the whole thing, I'd hoped that something would have sparked in him and he'd realize what a prize he has in you! But, I guess once an ashole, always an ashole ... Her husband is hoping she meets someone to take her off his hands .. it seems to me that she doesn't want to leave and divorce him so the only thing left is letting her find some other guy to take care of her.. ( at least that would be the way I think he is thinking ) RP... you need to get yourself and children out of that environment and start your life over without him.. Then start dating... The kind of guy that would date a woman in your situation would be suspect IMO...I mean look what you wound up with doing online dating while still being married and living with your husband.. a lier.... To me I think it is time to rethink your exit strategy some Link to post Share on other sites
Author RecordProducer Posted October 17, 2008 Author Share Posted October 17, 2008 RP, I am kind of surprised that your husband is being passive about the whole thing, I'd hoped that something would have sparked in him and he'd realize what a prize he has in you! But, I guess once an ashole, always an ashole ...Thanks, Quan, as usual, you have words of comfort. Well, he is not being all passive. He's been giving me mixed signals for a long time, but the pattern is cold-cold-freezing-cold-kinda lukewarm-cold-warm-cold-cold... When I was about to leave, he said this symbolized the death of our marriage. I told him that the death came when he announced he no longer wanted us to be an item. Her husband is hoping she meets someone to take her off his hands .. I think he wants someone to want me (and me him) and then I'll become interesting again. He is f*cked in the head. Of course, i don't want my husband to want me only when I belong to somebody else, but this is what my intuition predicts. I have no place to go, that's why I am staying, plus he's great with the kids. He's going dancing every week and it really hurts me; two weeks ago, I was so upset, I started packing and looking for an apartment - and he told me that I had the option to stay. It's weird that he's obsessed with showing me how much he doesn't want me. But every time I decide to leave, he finds some practical rationale for me to remain in his house. He even said that HE would move out - of course, we know he's not moving out. He's desperately trying to show me how much he doesn't need me, but doesn't want to let me go. Recently, he said that one needs to negotiate a lot on life and NOT show that he's too interested in the thing in question. I really think that he was born a businessman and plays head games in his marriages too (I am wife #3). When this guy started calling me and texting me all the time for two days, hubby got all shaken up, but then he put his sh*t together and pretended he didn't care. I even called him from NYC and said I'd stay overnight - unless he wanted to commit and wanted to work on the marriage. He said he wouldn't make up his mind while I was holding a gun onto his head. I said I'd been waiting for over two years for him to come around and it's time for him to make up his mind. I hung up and he never called me. So he'd rather lose me than show interest in me - or he really doesn't care (probably both). Btw, I didn't sleep in NYC. I think when I am over him, in love with someone else, and I move out - that's when he'll want to work on the marriage. Alas, it will be too late. He's sick. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 you have words of comfort it was my creative spelling of "ashole," wasn't it? :laugh: He said he wouldn't make up his mind while I was holding a gun onto his head what?!!! Two years of being flaky and he hasn't come to a decision yet? Want to bet on how loud he will wail when he realizes someone else strikes gold when they find you? I can just picture it – "RP should have tried harder, she should have been with me, I can treat her better than the other person can, etc" is he seriously that psychologically screwed up that he can't see what he's doing is really hurting himself? That it's okay to be happy and to love the person you're married to? Though I probably shouldn't have to ask this, my brother is doing the same thing with is ex-wife right now, and can't see that their marriage was, for the most part, unhealthy. denial is such a lovely thing! Link to post Share on other sites
Author RecordProducer Posted October 17, 2008 Author Share Posted October 17, 2008 you have words of comfort it was my creative spelling of "ashole," wasn't it? :laugh: Hahah! I can just picture it – "RP should have tried harder, she should have been with me, I can treat her better than the other person can, etc"He told me I would lose the best thing in my life - what could have been the best thing. I told him he was projecting his feelings on me. I tried my best o at least I tried to try my best. He, on the other hand, explicitly claimed that he's done with me and couldn't wait to get rid of me; he rejected me in every aspect of our marriage. I have no regrets whatsoever. And the mistakes I made convince me even more that he brings the worst in me, because my mistakes were reactions to the pain he caused me. I can forget how I felt on a certain day, but my (self) destructive reactions are there to remind me of how awful I felt. I spent 2.5 years craving affection and intimacy, longing for his love, waiting for the crumbs that he barely ever threw in my direction. I am still not over him, but I am working on it. It just feels so bad to be rejected. I don't know if he doesn't realize that he's hurting himself; this same thing happened with his ex-wife and she ended up falling in love with another man. He is very intelligent, he knows he's pushed me away, he knows I am still young and looking for my soul mate, since he apparently isn't the one. I think his psychological issues are stronger than him, ie., he IS an ashole, but he can't help it. Does he know he's an ashole? Oh, yes. But he doesn't care, just alike a criminal knows very well that he's doing something wrong, but doesn't feel any compassion. He can ascribe whatever traits he wants to me and I know I have faults, but he can never say that I am a bitch (mean, selfish, liar, cheater, manipulator, etc.). He knows I've been honest and open about everything and he knows I loved him to bits. So, he is the one who lost the best thing in his life. As ironic as it may sound, I don't think he wants to be happy in love. I think we all choose our evils and for him NOT showing emotions is the least of all evils. I feel really lonely sometimes. (And no, I don't want to meet the local soccer moms and have the small talk with them.) Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 What are you lonely for? That's not an easy question to answer, I'll bet. It's like you're in this limbo, this emotional tunnel between being married (on paper) and being happily single and alone. IME, there's nothing more lonely than being in an unhealthy M. I was alone for a lot of years (decades) when I was single and never had this kind of loneliness. Personally, I just go out and enjoy people. No investment, no commitment, no expectations, no romance; just sharing time and things which put a smile on my face. I remember when I used to just wander around NYC and ride the subway (when I did mileage runs to JFK) and just enjoy the people. Maybe try that next time; enjoy the city without the date Anyway, {{{{{R_P}}}}} Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 RP.. **hugz**... Divorce him.. take the money and run... Your self esteem is at risk it this situation.. please just leave him if not for your sake but for the children's sake... if you continue to stay and let your self esteem dwindle down into nothing it will take a long time and effort to get yourself back from the effects of his abusive treatment... He isn't being nice to your children when you look at how he is treating their mother... Your kids are not stupid.. they see what is going on and how he treats you and the effects of that on you... Link to post Share on other sites
ladyintights Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 So you and your hubby have decided on an open marriage now? :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
ladyintights Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 RP.. **hugz**... Divorce him.. take the money and run... Your self esteem is at risk it this situation.. please just leave him if not for your sake but for the children's sake... if you continue to stay and let your self esteem dwindle down into nothing it will take a long time and effort to get yourself back from the effects of his abusive treatment... He isn't being nice to your children when you look at how he is treating their mother... Your kids are not stupid.. they see what is going on and how he treats you and the effects of that on you... Exactly! What kind of an example is he setting upon your kids of how to treat women? And how can you allow this to continue when your children are at stake? And yes it is a game to him. Negotiating your stay and imprisonment is probably a power play to him. He has you under his control and he knows this. Does it bother you that when he goes dancing, he's likely having affairs as well? Link to post Share on other sites
dema1 Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 Honesty is always the best policy. The truth shall always set you free one way or another. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 He was very upset, i think most people would be Link to post Share on other sites
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