Cheated on Long-term Boyfriend!

[uk_lad1]

Hey

Firstly, to set the picture, I'm a gay male and I've been in a relationship with a guy that I love to the ends of the earth for a couple of years now; we live together and have for over a year. He is absolutely amazing, and we have no "problems" to as such. However, a couple months ago I started a new job and I met someone who I felt very attracted to and began to fancy. We kind of got to know each other over the following couple of months, and started to get along very well - going for drinks, lunch etc. Nothing had happened by this stage, but I can admit that I started becoming quite infatuated, which sounds ridiculous I know, especially as he could never ever replace what I have with my current boyfried. Well anyway, my boyfriend went away on holiday to see family for a couple of weeks, and I invited the guy from work to come over and chat ****, watch a movie etc. And of course, without the help of alcohol even, we hooked up, and did everythign except sex. On my part, I loved it, it was something that I'd wanted to happen for ages and something I had fantasized about for so long. On the other hand, I think the guy from work was just horny and it happened because of that, not necessarily because it was me. Knowing full well that what I had done was totally wrong, didn't change the fact that if I could have had him over every night while my boyfriend was away I would have. The only problem is that since "it" happened, I've lost my sex drive, there's just nothing there... I've tried to masturbate, I can't even sustain an erection. It happened a week ago, and my boyfriend gets back tomorrow. What do you think the problem is? Is it my subconscious guilt (I know it sounds awful, but I don't consciously feel guilty about what happened, for whatever reason). One thing I do know, is that I do not want to leave or lose my boyfriend, as I love him so so so much.... It's just this infatuation and what happened last week thats thrown me off. Sorry about the long story! I would REALLY REALLY appreciate your opinion! Thanks for reading!

[Geishawhelk]

I think it probably has a lot to do with guilt, and now, you're trying too hard and you can't relax, because you're fearful it will happen again. Being stressed out about not getting an erection can stress you out to the extent that you can't get an erection.

 

I hate to say it, but there's two ways forward:

You can either come clean, and confess to your B/F, (not the best idea) or put it behind you, try to forgive yourself, not mention it ever again - to anyone! - and just concentrate on pleasuring your man.

Forget about your erection completely.

Put that aside. Just focus on the enjoyment and fun, and the love you have.

Hopefully, in time, things will get back to normal.

Relax....

[uk_lad1]

Thanks for the advice, I already feel a bit better about it! What I jsut can't get around in my head is how I'm wanting more, kind of as though I've had a slice of the cake and now I'm dying to have some more. It's as though my infatuation has taken over all my rational thinking - and as I said, as terrible as it sounds, I feel no guilt at all, not immediately afterwards and not now. I've put all my efforts this last week into trying to get him to come back, and thinking in my mind that I was running out of time for it to happen again before my boyfriend gets back. It's emotionally exhausting loving someone so much but yet so intensely deisring someone else! Thanks again for your reply, I really appreciate it!

[Geishawhelk]

Question:

Do you think of your BF with the same sexual intensity and excitement that you do as with having an affair?

You don't say how old both you and your BF are, but I'm wondering if there's an age gap.....?

[uk_lad1]

Yes,

 

There is an age gap.... I'm 21 and he's 28.

 

As for the sexual attraction/intensity.... I'm definately attracted to my boyfriend, but nowhere near on the same level as I am to the guy from work (lets call him T). Making matters worse, I think, is that T is my age and we're both going through similar things ie. we've both just started Uni, become poor students etc etc so there are connections to him that I don't really share with my partner...

[uk_lad1]

What I also forgot to mention, is that my attraction to "T" goes beyond sexual/physical..... It seems to be an infatuation with him as a person, as well as him physically...

[Geishawhelk]

Ok, look, I'm not trying to sh*1t stir or anything, but in my long, old and feminine experience, (I'm a mum and stuff! ) if there's a sexual frisson or physical draw from outside a relationship - it's a sign that there's something of equal intensity or importance lacking from within that relationship.

In other words, honey-pie, don't fall for the "It just happened, I don't know why or how, we couldn't help ourselves."

Things don't 'just happen' and trust me, if we want to, when we want to, we CAN help ourselves plenty.

 

Try to put external attractions aside for a second, and focus on what any hidden issues might be within your R.

You might be surprised to find there's a shift....

 

Complacency?

Boredom?

Stuck-in-a-rut....?

Do you love him as a partner.... or is it different now.....?

[uk_lad1]

Well, looking at the bigger picture I'd say we're OK. But as much as I don't want to admit it, I feel as though I'm kind of getting "old" with him; basically that we took things too fast and now we're kind of just US, and that we're 70% companions now, if you get what I mean. He's obviously older and wiser, and, being an independant person, I'm struggling feeling as though I've tried to grow up too fast, and miss young, frivolous fun, which I'm obviously starting to have with T - someone who enjoys the same things that I do and has a youthful fresh outlook like I do, or which I used to have but am starting to rediscover. It just makes it really, really hard loving my partner so much but having to admit that maybe it isn't all peachy.

 

Honestly, while he was away, and I had the place to myself, I felt like I remember feeling when I lived with my parents and they were away - this freedom! And what happened with T, feels like rebeling did when I was a youngster. I guess that kind of means I'm subconsciously feeling trapped by the relationship?

 

p.s. thanks so much for your responses, your advice is really amazing! Like you said, I shouldn't tell anyone, which I haven't, but I need some outlet!

[Geishawhelk]

In things like this, you see, there's always something under the surface.

This initial thrilling possibility of a fling, has, in a few short posts, made you come face to face with the fact that the age gap btwn you and your partner, may actually be limiting you.

 

I think you need to summon up the courage and have a talk with him about this.

Because you're both moving together, but parallel, not joined.

Your interests aren't mutual, and there's a chance that, like train tracks, you're reaching a set of points.....

I see and understand what you mean about needing to have some fun.

When you met, you were around 19, and he was 26. It probably felt great at that point to have someone so mature take an interest in you, and treat you like an adult, respect you and love you.

 

This is all complete hypothesis and guesswork on my part, I know this. But I'm just trying to fill gaps haphazardly, and I wonder how close I am?

[uk_lad1]

You're pretty pretty close.

I was just out of school, I'd embarked on travels, stopped in London and loved it so much that I decided to stay. I met him after I'd been here for a few months, so as far back as I can remember, all my memories of London and places I've been, things I've done etc. have been with him. It was great to meet someone who was slightly older and wiser, although he was still very youthful for his age and still looks 22; it made me feel very secure, and I guess it's kind of had a negative impact on my growth that instead of standing on my own two feet in a foreign country, I met him and seeked refuge with him.

 

And now that I'm feeling obviously more confident and secure in myself and where I am, I've made friends etc. maybe I'm wanting to experience some things for myself as an independant young guy in such an exciting place, but obviosuly the relationship is "holding me back" in some way.

 

I have thought about this stuff in minor detail before, but now that you mentioned it, everything seems to be falling into place.

[Geishawhelk]

I feel like I've just handed you a stick to whack a hornet's nest....

The mostest ideal thing would be to tell your BF what you've just told me, and he turn round and say to you -

"Hey that's really great! Look, why don't you go off and find yourself some fun, let your hair down, date a few guys, have an adventure, taste the freedom, stay safe, stay clean - and come back when you're ready to settle down! I'll be here!"

 

But of course, you know it's not going to go down like that, don't you?

 

IN fairness, if you've started having feelings for other guys, something, at some point is going to give.

So the decision is yours:

Do you think you can carry on living a double life - having some fun on the side, living it up a bit, without your BF knowing - or do you think you guys need to talk?

 

Both are darned risky.

You have to decide which would be the better risk.

[uk_lad1]

Yes, both very risky! I'll definately have a think about it!

Obviously, like most people, it's the change that I'm afraid of - I want to be independant and have fun, but then once I have it, who knows, maybe I'll realise that it was the wrong choice! Your advice has been aboslutely brilliant, thank you so so much for your time! And I will let you know what I decide to do...

[Geishawhelk]

I'd like to say I'm glad to have been of help. But it's a crappy one.....

 

I'm sorry the outcome turned out to bring more complications than you'd originally banked on.

But maybe the good thing is that you'll channel your thinking towards what the real issues are, rather than find fun in a diversion, that will only, ultimately, make things worse.

 

Take care. PM me when you need to....