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do I come clean?


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I really appreciate this board. I've come here from time to time and asked questions and always received good, honest, sometimes blunt advice. Now I have a situation I want treated the same way.

 

I have a girlfriend & we're considering marriage. I was previously married and so was she. At one point during our relationship she asked me if I had ever been with anyone between my divorce and meeting her - in a panick I said "NO" - but the truth is I did have a girlfriend for 3-4 months prior to meeting her.

 

Now that we're contemplating marriage the guilt is getting to me. I think if I told her there would be a 90% chance that it would end the relationship - but I don't know if I can eventually marry someone without coming clean about this lie.

 

The main reason this has come up is that the ex-girlfriend recently sent me a birthday card and then followed it up with an email. I had asked her not to contact me ever again, but she did anyway. I was able to destroy the "evidence" before my girlfriend found it, but I'm worried that someday she will find out.

 

Should I come clean now or just continue to hide it?

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Forgive yourself for the lie if that's the only one. It wasn't about a truly significant issue and I understand how you may have lied in a panic, although it would have been so much easier to come clean. For your information, women like men more when they know other women have been attracted to them or have been fond of them as well so it would have been to your benefit to tell your current lady about your ex.

 

If you really think there's a 90 percent chance the relationship would end if you came clean, then there's two, maybe three, ways you have to look at this.

 

1. Do you really want to marry someone you can't confess to, who won't understand why you did it, who won't forgive, who won't move forward and just forget it??? A truly good, understanding woman would absolutely grasp why you did this and have a great deal of respect for you for making such a confession and it would bring you much closer.

 

Life is really short and can be really difficult. Do you want a chick by your side who hasn't the elasticity of thought to understand you and accept you for your frailties and imperfections? I wouldn't marry a girl like this with your tuxedo but right now you're in lllluuuuuuvvvvvvvvveeeeeee and you'll do just about anything to keep her. Wait a few years and see if it's fun to live with a closed-minded bxtch.

 

For my money, I want to marry a lady who understands I'm a fallible human being who makes mistakes now and then and who won't hold it against me when I attempt to correct them.

 

Now if you want to marry somebody who is very rigid in her thinking and who could leave you on a dime, you have found the right girl...and keep your mouth shut about your ex...by all means.

 

2. You can decide that you really want a lady with whom you cannot be joined at the soul level, a girl who expects you to be superhuman and a girl who will reject you the minute you do something wrong for which you are truly sorry.

 

In this case, by all means do not tell her anything about this. It will eventually go away. You may have some aggravation for a year or two unless your ex is completely psycho.

 

For those who know me in this forum, I don't care what woman you meet or what partner you have, admitting to and asking for forgiveness for cheating is ALWAYS a fatal blow to a relationship. I've caught you far enough in advance that I urge that if you marry this gal don't cheat on her or she's liable to cut your weinnie off.

 

3. A third alternative, one that could certainly land you in prison for life but nevertheless solve your problem, is to arrange for this ex of yours to "disappear." (Joking, of course, maybe) Decent women will not bother you if you ask them not to do so. This girl's a real wench. Women are extremely intuitive and she probably knows you haven't told your present lady about her.

 

You really know how to pick 'em.

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I think she would leave not because of the fact that I had a girlfriend prior to her - I think she would leave because I lied about it & continued to lie about it, covering up the birthday card & email.

 

I think she'd be devistated that I could look her in the eye and lie like that. I think she'd have trouble trusting me for a long long time....

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I think you need to tell her. But explain why you lied and tell her about your coverup and your desire to clean the air and start your marriage off right and with complete honesty.

 

Expect her to be pissed for a while and it might take a while for the trust to come back, but if she's the right one for you, she'll get over it and will trust you again.

 

Good luck!

I think she would leave not because of the fact that I had a girlfriend prior to her - I think she would leave because I lied about it & continued to lie about it, covering up the birthday card & email. I think she'd be devistated that I could look her in the eye and lie like that. I think she'd have trouble trusting me for a long long time....
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Samantha's suggestion is certainly a good one and the one I would choose. If she can't handle your confession and forgive you, you don't need her.

 

But Samantha's very correct that a trust issue will be created and sometimes those are very hard to resolve and overcome. Trust is like virginity...once compromised, it is very difficult to regain. I don't even know if you can restore virginity even with surgery...have to look that one up.

 

I personally wouldn't be pissed if a girl confessed something like this to me. I would understand why she did it and never think another thought about it. But I am weird!!!

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This is such a non-issue----------inconsequential, little, uninportant, white lie.

 

Talk with the x and tell her that you want no contact WHATSOEVER, that you've moved on and your new girlfriend wouldn't appreciate the contact with her.

 

Change your email address. (do you live in a small town?)

 

Don't tell your girlfriend---just forget about it. I've lied about my age to every single boyfriend I've ever had; so what? No big deal.

 

How old are you two?

 

You made a tiny mistake and won't do it again---you are forgiven!

 

Yikes, is she that silly and simple minded? Things are not always black or white.

 

Be careful with one like this.

 

Samantha's suggestion is certainly a good one and the one I would choose. If she can't handle your confession and forgive you, you don't need her. But Samantha's very correct that a trust issue will be created and sometimes those are very hard to resolve and overcome. Trust is like virginity...once compromised, it is very difficult to regain. I don't even know if you can restore virginity even with surgery...have to look that one up. I personally wouldn't be pissed if a girl confessed something like this to me. I would understand why she did it and never think another thought about it. But I am weird!!!
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Absolutely! Trust is a very big issue in a relationship. The way i see it is that you did not cheat on her with this girl, it was before her. Yes, you are in the wrong for lying to her once, but just explain that you panicked, and make sure you tell her that this girl contacted you and what you said to her. If she truely loves you, she will understand.

I really appreciate this board. I've come here from time to time and asked questions and always received good, honest, sometimes blunt advice. Now I have a situation I want treated the same way. I have a girlfriend & we're considering marriage. I was previously married and so was she. At one point during our relationship she asked me if I had ever been with anyone between my divorce and meeting her - in a panick I said "NO" - but the truth is I did have a girlfriend for 3-4 months prior to meeting her.

 

Now that we're contemplating marriage the guilt is getting to me. I think if I told her there would be a 90% chance that it would end the relationship - but I don't know if I can eventually marry someone without coming clean about this lie. The main reason this has come up is that the ex-girlfriend recently sent me a birthday card and then followed it up with an email. I had asked her not to contact me ever again, but she did anyway. I was able to destroy the "evidence" before my girlfriend found it, but I'm worried that someday she will find out. Should I come clean now or just continue to hide it?

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