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My boyfriend is jealous when I go to dinner w/ my male or female friends. He is making himself crazy and then me. He says he loves me so much he is afraid to lose me. He is trying to work on this, but ever time I go out w/ a friend (1 x a week) he gets upset. What should I do. I have never given any reason for him to doubt me. We have been dating 3 months. He does not act this way w/ anyone else. He is wonderful in all other ways and we are in our early 30s. He just gets hurt and acts sad.

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It sounds more like immaturity than jealousy. He is obviously not very secure in the relationship and with himself and that's what you have to work on with him. His self esteem isn't what it should be so have him work on that.

 

Insecurities usually spring from childhood experiences and you are probably not qualified to go into that with him. A professional counsellor will have to do that. Anytime a loved one is exposed to others of the opposite sex, there is a threat of abandonment so that may be another issue he has. He obviously has no feeling of your committment to him.

 

The bottom line is he considers your friends to be a threat to him. What he doesn't know is when you finally pick up on the fact that he feels so insecure and has such a poor self image, you will start thinking less of him too. After all, if the guy himself doesn't think that much of himself...how could you possibly think that much of him yourself.

 

You've got to get him off the jealousy kick. Try to make him feel secure but be firm and let him know that this is childish behavior and you seek a MAN for a companion.

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Perhaps his insecurities stem from feeling excluded from your social circle. Maybe if given the opportunity to spend time with you and your friends (on occasion)...he would have the opportunity to get to know them and eventually understand why you would enjoy spending one-on-one time with them every now and than. Once comfortable with your associations, he would feel much more confident (particularly with your "male" friends) letting you have your space without the fear that you are living some 'secret life' he is being distanced from.

 

The relationship is new and this is VERY common in the beginning...the adjustment period. He may be VERY confident of who he is, just not sure of who you are yet. The trick is not to feed into these insecurities, but to understand where they are coming from and reassure him...and prove, not by words but by actions, that you are someone who can be trusted.

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If it were reversed, (he was going out with female friends) I know I would feel exactly the same way he does! Give the guy a break and stop playing mind games with him. You know exactly what you are doing and you are flattered by the jealous attention you are getting. If you love him and consider the relationship a serious one, JUST STOP IT! Come on, you wouldn't like it done to you either!

My boyfriend is jealous when I go to dinner w/ my male or female friends. He is making himself crazy and then me. He says he loves me so much he is afraid to lose me. He is trying to work on this, but ever time I go out w/ a friend (1 x a week) he gets upset. What should I do. I have never given any reason for him to doubt me. We have been dating 3 months. He does not act this way w/ anyone else. He is wonderful in all other ways and we are in our early 30s. He just gets hurt and acts sad.
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I will not give up a lifetime of the friends I have or the future friendships I may develop for a man. It is not healthy. People should have outside interests besides one another. I am not flattered by this. I find it annoying. He does it w/ FEMALE friends also!! Not just men!!! He does it when I spend time doing other things that don't involve him. Like seeing my family. He knows all my friends and family. We do things together w/ them, but I want to be able to spend time w/ them also. This is normal.

If it were reversed, (he was going out with female friends) I know I would feel exactly the same way he does! Give the guy a break and stop playing mind games with him. You know exactly what you are doing and you are flattered by the jealous attention you are getting. If you love him and consider the relationship a serious one, JUST STOP IT! Come on, you wouldn't like it done to you either!
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If he does this with every dinner date you have, that's one thing - if he has no basis for this behavior.

 

However, if you are going to dinner with male friends, one on one, that's called a date.

 

BTW, who pays on these "friends" dates?

 

BTW II, how many men do you go on 'friends" dates anyway?

 

It seems to me that you are not very serious about dating this one guy romantically, excluding other daters.

 

It might be better to end the relationship with him if you cannot give up a more casual dating lifestyle. He obviously wants something different than that.

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I guess it is hard for me to understand your situation because I don't really believe in "Platonic" friendship. I can see it being possible, but not all that often. When I have tried it--it just hasn't worked out. In those rare cases when there is a Platonic friendship and you'd enjoy having dinner with this friend,I can understand your being miffed at at your boyfriend especially if he also believes in and actively participates in "Platonic" friendships. While I think it is very healthy to have interests and friends outside of your relationship, I do not think it is healthy to have close friends of the opposite sex without your boyfriend around. Call me old fashioned---but it will get you in some kind of trouble sooner or later. Grandma was right on this one---and believe me, at 30 I wouldn't have believed me either. It's kind of a maturational thing. Good luck to you.

I will not give up a lifetime of the friends I have or the future friendships I may develop for a man. It is not healthy. People should have outside interests besides one another. I am not flattered by this. I find it annoying. He does it w/ FEMALE friends also!! Not just men!!! He does it when I spend time doing other things that don't involve him. Like seeing my family. He knows all my friends and family. We do things together w/ them, but I want to be able to spend time w/ them also. This is normal.
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Has he meet your friends? Does he consider them a bad influence. What are your friends like. Are they family minded people? Or are they hell raisers?

 

Invite your husband out one time to let him see what you and the others like to do. Maybe he would enjoy going giving it a try.

It sounds more like immaturity than jealousy. He is obviously not very secure in the relationship and with himself and that's what you have to work on with him. His self esteem isn't what it should be so have him work on that. Insecurities usually spring from childhood experiences and you are probably not qualified to go into that with him. A professional counsellor will have to do that. Anytime a loved one is exposed to others of the opposite sex, there is a threat of abandonment so that may be another issue he has. He obviously has no feeling of your committment to him. The bottom line is he considers your friends to be a threat to him. What he doesn't know is when you finally pick up on the fact that he feels so insecure and has such a poor self image, you will start thinking less of him too. After all, if the guy himself doesn't think that much of himself...how could you possibly think that much of him yourself. You've got to get him off the jealousy kick. Try to make him feel secure but be firm and let him know that this is childish behavior and you seek a MAN for a companion.
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I have been talking to my boyfriend....I posted under jealousy yesterday. He is obbsessed w/ the fact that his ex girlfriend did not love him and that all the things that she did I will do to him. He does not feel he is good enough for me and he cannot bear to lose me. He feels he is more emotional than I am and that it rules his life. I have reassured him that I love him. He is involved in everything in my life. We are planning a wedding and he still feels that he is not good enough for me. I cook him dinners, spend quality time w/ him, send thoughful email, or leave small notes or small gifts and am seeing him 6 nights a week.....what can I do? I am almost beginging to think that he may need to go to counseling and I suggested it last night. He just says he loves me SO MUCH he cannot lose me. Advice?

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so, how did he react when you suggested that last night?? if he's up for it, then that may be the way to go.

 

thing is, there's just nothing more YOU can do here. you do things to let him know your feelings are genuine, so it's up to HIM to really believe and accept that now.

 

what you CAN'T do is constantly try to PROVE the way you feel -- you'll KILL yourself doing that, and i really don't think you'll see any positive results.

I have been talking to my boyfriend....I posted under jealousy yesterday. He is obbsessed w/ the fact that his ex girlfriend did not love him and that all the things that she did I will do to him. He does not feel he is good enough for me and he cannot bear to lose me. He feels he is more emotional than I am and that it rules his life. I have reassured him that I love him. He is involved in everything in my life. We are planning a wedding and he still feels that he is not good enough for me. I cook him dinners, spend quality time w/ him, send thoughful email, or leave small notes or small gifts and am seeing him 6 nights a week.....what can I do? I am almost beginging to think that he may need to go to counseling and I suggested it last night. He just says he loves me SO MUCH he cannot lose me. Advice?
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Sounds like he's suffering some post trauma from the last relationship disaster. I suppose his fear stems from the fact that he felt the same way about his last partner as he does you...and than, out of the blue; just when he thought everything was wonderful...he was blind-sided. He's probably afraid to ever get too comfortable or let down his guard like before --- afraid that because love has made him vulnerable again, history will repeat itself.

 

Although you are not like the woman from his past, and don't feel you should be held accountable for the hurt and mistrust someone *else* created, this is a very REAL issue for him. Even telling him "I love you" over and over again...and even backing up your words with actions...may not be enough to convince him to *relax*. After all, I'm sure the last love of his life said and did the all same things as you, than waited until he believed her with all his heart before breaking it. And if there were any situations between the two of you in the beginning of your relationship that may have led him to distrust you, then he's trying to rebuild his trust on a foundation that's already unstable. Although indiscretions and "little white lies" may be forgiven...they are never forgotten. Especially by someone who has been burned so badly in the past, that they are now searching for the warning signs they didn't see coming before. "Burn victims" (as I like to call it) will hold on to even the smallest of hurts as "clues"..."signs"...or "evidence" that this person will eventually show their true colors and end up just like the last. Sometimes I feel they are more afraid of being "dooped" than they are of actually being abandoned.

 

I don't know whether to suggest therapy or not. Not even a professional will be able to convince him you are loyal and trustworthy. Only 'time'...and LOTS of it...will wear away those walls. Meanwhile, continue doing exactly as you have been doing being careful to remain honest and up front at ALL times. It will be a lot of work...for BOTH of you...but if you love him enough you'll both come through. And if you can take anything positive from this situation at all, at least there is some comfort in knowing that he is completely devoted and will probably NEVER become *so* comfortable that he'll one day take you for granted.

 

Good Luck, Ellen...to both of you.

I have been talking to my boyfriend....I posted under jealousy yesterday. He is obbsessed w/ the fact that his ex girlfriend did not love him and that all the things that she did I will do to him. He does not feel he is good enough for me and he cannot bear to lose me. He feels he is more emotional than I am and that it rules his life. I have reassured him that I love him. He is involved in everything in my life. We are planning a wedding and he still feels that he is not good enough for me. I cook him dinners, spend quality time w/ him, send thoughful email, or leave small notes or small gifts and am seeing him 6 nights a week.....what can I do? I am almost beginging to think that he may need to go to counseling and I suggested it last night. He just says he loves me SO MUCH he cannot lose me. Advice?
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He does need some counselling.

 

You definitely need to postpone any wedding until he gets his act together. If he keeps telling you he's not good enough for you, there may come a day when you are actually convinced of that. After all, it's coming straight from the horse's mouth.

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Sounds like you have a beautiful love affair going on! Enjoy it--and stop him when he starts obsessing. When he starts talking about this kind of thing--don't answer or acknowledge the statement---walk over to him with a lovely gentle smile, kiss him softly on the lips and proceed to be nice to each other. If you do this EVERY TIME, he will start believing you and stop obsessing.

I have been talking to my boyfriend....I posted under jealousy yesterday. He is obbsessed w/ the fact that his ex girlfriend did not love him and that all the things that she did I will do to him. He does not feel he is good enough for me and he cannot bear to lose me. He feels he is more emotional than I am and that it rules his life. I have reassured him that I love him. He is involved in everything in my life. We are planning a wedding and he still feels that he is not good enough for me. I cook him dinners, spend quality time w/ him, send thoughful email, or leave small notes or small gifts and am seeing him 6 nights a week.....what can I do? I am almost beginging to think that he may need to go to counseling and I suggested it last night. He just says he loves me SO MUCH he cannot lose me. Advice?
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I think your guy does need some help. As arthropod98 said, there is nothing you can do about it. I don't think you, alone, can help him get over this. It is not healthy for you to adversely modify your life to cater to his neuroses. You could try to compensate for his insecurities by staying within arms reach of him for the rest of your life, but what kind of life would that be, for you or him? As time goes by he will only become more afraid, more controlling and more demanding. You both need to be free of this, for his sake more than yours.

 

From what you described, he has some emotional issues he needs to work out. I would recommend these issues be permanently resolved before you get married. If his emotions are in control of him, then he is out of control. This is not good ground to try to build a marriage upon. If this is not taken care of NOW, it will haunt your relationship with him from now own.

 

The best way to eradicate a fear is to face it head-on, endure it and get through it. My guess is, he did not and still has not face his past losses. He ignored or masked his fears and pain instead of dealing with them. Did he take the time after breaking up with his ex-gf to deal with the breakup or did he jump into a new relationship soon after her?

 

It will be harder for him to deal with this problem while in a relationship with someone, but it can be down. Unfortunately, it should have been done well before meeting you. At this point, I am not suggesting you break up with him. If you are up to it and you want to stay with this guy, insist that he talk to a counselor with appropriate credentials and training for on how to deal with this kind of behavior.

 

Your only other option is to endure this until you can't take it anymore. An emotionally healthy person (I assume you are) will eventually reach a breaking point and his fears of you leaving him will ultimately come true. Deal with this ASAP!

I have been talking to my boyfriend....I posted under jealousy yesterday. He is obbsessed w/ the fact that his ex girlfriend did not love him and that all the things that she did I will do to him. He does not feel he is good enough for me and he cannot bear to lose me. He feels he is more emotional than I am and that it rules his life. I have reassured him that I love him. He is involved in everything in my life. We are planning a wedding and he still feels that he is not good enough for me. I cook him dinners, spend quality time w/ him, send thoughful email, or leave small notes or small gifts and am seeing him 6 nights a week.....what can I do? I am almost beginging to think that he may need to go to counseling and I suggested it last night. He just says he loves me SO MUCH he cannot lose me. Advice?
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Woh... he needs major help. Forget the wedding idea!!

 

I think he has some serious issues, and he may have to go through some single time before he can get his act together. He sounds a bit like my ex - I don't think he loves you SOO much, it's just that he doesn't have any other meaning to his life, and basically, u'r what keeps him going. That sux! I mean for how much longer do u wanna see him 6 nights a week?? U'll wanna have a life outside of your r/s or marriage, and he WILL object!

 

Best of luck. be careful not to trust his words about loving u ... i've gone thru similar stuff, incl. wedding talks.

 

-yes

I have been talking to my boyfriend....I posted under jealousy yesterday. He is obbsessed w/ the fact that his ex girlfriend did not love him and that all the things that she did I will do to him. He does not feel he is good enough for me and he cannot bear to lose me. He feels he is more emotional than I am and that it rules his life. I have reassured him that I love him. He is involved in everything in my life. We are planning a wedding and he still feels that he is not good enough for me. I cook him dinners, spend quality time w/ him, send thoughful email, or leave small notes or small gifts and am seeing him 6 nights a week.....what can I do? I am almost beginging to think that he may need to go to counseling and I suggested it last night. He just says he loves me SO MUCH he cannot lose me. Advice?
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I would threaten that he will loose you if he continues that behavior pattern. That you need your on time, as does he. If he cant help himself, tell him to have a doctor help him and that he has to make some changes before the ceramony.

I have been talking to my boyfriend....I posted under jealousy yesterday. He is obbsessed w/ the fact that his ex girlfriend did not love him and that all the things that she did I will do to him. He does not feel he is good enough for me and he cannot bear to lose me. He feels he is more emotional than I am and that it rules his life. I have reassured him that I love him. He is involved in everything in my life. We are planning a wedding and he still feels that he is not good enough for me. I cook him dinners, spend quality time w/ him, send thoughful email, or leave small notes or small gifts and am seeing him 6 nights a week.....what can I do? I am almost beginging to think that he may need to go to counseling and I suggested it last night. He just says he loves me SO MUCH he cannot lose me. Advice?
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